Me Plus One

Mumble-Jumble

2012-02-05T17:04:00.001-05:00

I’vehad a lot swirling around in my head lately it’s been hard to organize any ofit into any kind of coherent post…so I’m gonna do a bit of thought vomit here& hopefully make some sense!

Ijust noticed I now have 50 Followers!!! Wow! It’s amazing to me that even a fewpeople would want to read my blog…to know that there are 50 of you is a hugecompliment! Thank you all & from now on I expect 50 comments on each post…lol!Just kidding!! J Sincerely thank you, tho…

With50 followers, I’ve made the effort to try to make sure I’m following along withevery follower who has their own blog…as you can imagine, my Reader has beenfilling up plus I’m trying to read the archives of these new blogs I’mfollowing as I like to get a little back story…I admit, I’m having troublekeeping up but I’m commenting as much as possible…that is when Blogger allowsme to…I have been very frustrated that I haven’t been able to comment on someposts! There’s so much going on with y’all!

Alongwith all this blog reading, my Book Club assigned The Hunger Games as our nextbook…I haven’t read a novel, well, since Elena was born…but this one! I couldn’tput it down!! I even read parts aloud to Elena just to keep her occupied so Icould read it (she enjoyed it too!) Well, upon finishing it, I just HAD to getthe other 2 books in the series! The whole trilogy was A.Maz.Ing!!!!! I thenwent right into reading The Help which was also great!

Asfor Elena…she is growing & changing by leaps & bounds!!! The girlamazes me daily!! She said Mama!!! For 2 days…& hasn’t said it since!! It mademy heart melt to hear it & now she won’t…she just looks at me with this mischievoussmile! She does however seem to call me Dada! I swear she knows the irony ofthat & does it on purpose!!!

Thegirl is honing the fine art of the Temper Tantrum…sometimes it’s quite comicalbut most often it’s frustrating & testing my patience. The worst part aboutthem is that she will just fling herself down which results in her banging herhead or hurting herself, bringing on real tears.

We’vecome a long way with Elena’s eating too…I’ve weaned her off of both daytime breastfeedings so she only nurses in the morning & at bed time & we’re goingto leave it that way until I dry up…

Elenaturned 11 months old yesterday & I have 32 days until I go back to work…I’mtaking the wise advice of numerous moms & going back on a Thursday. I have beenleaving Elena with my Mom for longer stretches to get her use to me being gone…Elenais very clingy…thankfully, since she sees my Mom everyday (my Mom lives withus) she’s clingy with her too. If you give her time to warm up to people, shedoes just fine but if people get in her face too quickly & try to pick herup too soon, she gets very upset. With people she sees all the time tho, she’sjust fine, it’s new people she’s leery of.

Elena’sa little water baby! We started swimming lessons back in August & have beengoing weekly since then & she loves it! She now walks down the ramp intothe water by herself! That is one of the things I’m going to miss most when Igo back to work. My Mom is going to continue to take her but I’ll miss beingable to.

Well,there’s a hundred other things I wanted to write but I can’t think of them now…plusI’m distracted by hearing Elena upstairs squealing, giggling & having fun& I want to join in…

The Nitty Gritty

2012-01-16T19:20:00.000-05:00

AuntFlo kicked down my door January 2^nd & made it clear in nouncertain terms that I will be her bitch in 2012…after 1 year & 7 months ofnot having a period I knew it had to start sometime…I was actually a littlerelieved only because in the 3 weeks prior I’d been feeling very weird &off…I couldn’t explain it but just didn’t feel right, I wasn’t able to sleep, Ifelt very on edge…well, obviously my hormones were running amok…it’s nice tohave an explanation for why I was feeling that way…but for 13 days…bleeding,not spotting either but actual flow. Is that normal?

I wassort of holding off weaning Elena in hopes of keeping Aunt Flo at bay but sincethat’s now a moot point, I’ve cut out 1 feeding so far…ya, I know, big whoop!But it’s taken me more than a month to work myself up to that. I kept saying Ineeded to start weaning her but just couldn’t bring myself to start.

I’vebeen having mixed feelings about it…a big part of me really wants to stopbreastfeeding…I can’t really articulate why I didn’t…don’t…want to anymore…butthese feelings brought on very strong feelings of guilt…especially readingother women expressing how much they were dreading weaning or missing breastfeedingor sad they never could breastfeed. I was/am beating myself up that I’m takingbreastfeeding for granted...except that I don’t…take it for granted, I mean.

Ontop of that, I’m agonizing over the emotional impact on Elena. Am I going tomake her feel abandoned…or will she feel like I’m pushing her away? In thebeginning, breastfeeding was a very intense bonding experience for me. It wasvery important to me to be able to provide Elena’s sole source of nourishment& because she nursed every 2 hours (or less) for the 1^st 4months, I relished in the one on one time.

SinceElena started crawling (& even more so since she’s been walking) ourbonding seems to occur less while she’s at my breast & more while we sharelaughs, play games, read books, snuggle…and breastfeeding has seemed to becomemore of a necessary pause in the fun…except at her bedtime feeding, she onlynurses for 10 minutes or less then pops off with a smile & is ready toplay.

I’vestarted to think something’s wrong with me that I’m not getting the warm &fuzzies about breastfeeding anymore. Like I should be grieving the end of thischapter of motherhood…instead I just feel like…well, like it’s just time…thisconfuses me because we worked so hard to breastfeed, Elena & I…many timesin those 1^st few days & weeks I thought of giving up but wepersevered...& now I’m giving it up so easily? Well, not easily but I’mokay with it.

So I’mjust a mess of emotion. Instead of having to accept that we’re almost donebreastfeeding, I guess I actually need to accept that I’m okay with it.

Thereis one problem…Elena won’t drink milk. I started her on sippy cups ages ago& she’s a champ…she drinks water all day…so I know she knows how to use thecups but she won’t drink more than a sip or 2 of milk. To compensate, I’mgiving her yogurt regularly & about to try cheese so hopefully that’ll beok…

She’seating really well now…I’ve gotten over my choking fear. Elena has provenherself to have a very good gag reflex & we are ever vigilant with what wegive her. I have taken Billy’s advice & we feed Elena off our plates nowtoo…my Mom is better at it than me but since starting this I’ve seen greatimprovement in Elena’s chewing & biting, she’s even eating the babybiscuits & Mum Mum crackers…she does well with toast too…I have to admitthat I’m at a bit of a loss with snacks…I don’t want to give her cookies allthe time & toast seems boring…I give Elena fruit at breakfast & fruit& yogurt at lunch & dinner so it seems a bit much to give her fruit asa snack too… so I’m asking for ideas!! Help me out ladies!!

2011 In Review

2011-12-31T18:30:00.000-05:00

Wow!It seems like just yesterday that I wrote my 2010 In Review post!!! Last year Iwondered what emotion would dominate 2011…there were certainly many…excitement,confusion, frustration…EXHAUSTION, lol!!! The one dominant emotion though? I’dhave to say…Awe.

I wasin awe of how crazy intense labour was…it awed me that I was able to deliverElena…seeing Elena for the 1^st time was completely awe-inspiring…

I wasin awe with just how little sleep I got those first few weeks…& in awe ofhow much I was actually able to accomplish on so little sleep…

And Ihave been in absolute awe of this extraordinary little girl who picked me to beher Mama…watching her grow & learn & discover her world is beyondanything I imagined when dreaming of being a Mom.

It isas this New Year approaches that I realize, for the first time, I am notlooking toward the New Year wondering what it will hold…for the first time Ican remember, I just am in the here & now…I know 2012 will have it’s trials& triumphs, changes & challenges…for the first time I am content to sitback, let them come & enjoy the ride…

I wishyou all wealth, health & happiness in 2012 & I pray for nothing butsuccess for those trying to conceive <3

I’llleave you with some photos of our Christmas…

Christmas Eve

At the Candle Light Service...Elena LOVED running around...don't worry, this was before the service started :)

Christmas Morning...Santa has arrived!

Elena & I about to open her Stocking...

Elena playing with the Ball Popper Santa brought her...oh the squeals of delight!!!

Happy New Year, Everyone!!

Christmas Traditions

2011-12-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

Well, here we are…ChristmasEve! Christmas has always been my favourite time of year…I love winter &the smell of snow (yes, snow smells) & the crunch under my feet…but as Imentioned last year, it had always been bittersweet. Not this year though, thisyear is all sweet & I am beyond excited to start my own Christmastraditions with Elena! Some traditions we’ll start this year but some will haveto wait until Elena is older & can understand.

When I was a kid, I could notwait for Christmas morning! When I learned that some families exchanged giftson Christmas Eve, I was so jealous! I remember one year, my Dad had to work ChristmasDay (he was a street car driver in Toronto) so my parents decided we would openpresents on Christmas Eve morning. I was so excited!! Except then I was superexcited Christmas Eve Eve!!! So in honour of that excitement &anticipation, on Christmas Eve Elena will be allowed to open 2 presents…onewill always be a new pair of pajamas…so she looks cute in Christmas morningphotos…& the other will be a Christmas story book…oh sure, as the years goby, these gifts won’t be a surprise…she’ll of course figure it out but it’ll bea fun...

Tonight we are going to myMom’s church for their Candle Light service…I’m not sure if this will become atradition since I’m not religious at all but the service is beautiful, I knowElena will love the music & my Mom will enjoy showing us off. I feel alittle hypocritical going since I don’t buy into the whole religion deal but Ican really appreciate the beauty of it…

As for the Santa Question…Ilove the innocence & magic of Santa Clause…I love the idea of believing inthe generosity of a jolly man who fulfills a Christmas wish…however, I neverliked the idea that some kids get a ton of gifts from Santa (not judging here,this is just my opinion) or that they get everything they ask for. Aside fromthe fact that I just can’t afford to do this, I don’t want Elena to have thatsense of entitlement…Elena will receive 1 gift from Santa Clause Christmasmorning plus her stocking will be stuffed with fun little goodies…I think thatallows her to experience the magic yet keeps her expectations grounded.

Once Elena is old enough tounderstand, before Christmas she & I will go thru her toys & shewill pack up the ones she no longer plays with & ones she’s grown out of& we will donate them to the local mission. Also when she’s old enough tounderstand, we will be involved in the Adopt-a-Family program. I will teach Elenathat even though we don’t have a lot, there are others that have even less. Christmashas never been about the commercialism for me & I want to make sure thatElena learns more about giving than receiving…

I’m sure over the years we’lldevelop other traditions & refine these but I think it’s a good start. I’mjust so very excited for Elena’s 1^st…I know she won’t remember it& I’m sure she’s going to be pretty over whelmed but she only has one 1^stChristmas.

So Merry Christmas, everyone! HappyHanukkah…Happy Kwanza…Happy Winter Solstice…or whatever you celebrate, enjoy!

She Did It!!!

2011-12-13T19:26:00.001-05:00

Did you see that!! Elena's walking for reals!!!! She totally blew me away tonight when she did it! We've been trying to make her for a while then tonight she just up & walked to me & we haven't been able to stop her!! I am so proud & excited!! And somehow she seems smaller, littler I mean...does that make sense?

9 Months...Wow!!!

2011-12-07T17:10:00.001-05:00

It’sjust amazing how time is flying!! I can’t believe Elena is 9 months old &it’s almost her 1^st Christmas!

Andshe’s walking!!! Well she’ll take 2 or 3 steps from the table to the couch orfrom the couch to the exersaucer or from the couch to me so I’m not sure if 2or 3 steps counts as actually walking yet but she’s so close. The most she’sdone in one go was 4 steps where she took 2 steps, stopped, balanced herself,took 2 more steps then fell to her knees & crawled the rest of the way. Shestands like a pro now too & will stand & play.

She’sbabbling like crazy now…it’s funny that her 2 most repeated sounds are “da da”& “ba ba”…it’s obvious they have no meaning since she has neither aDada nor a Baba (bottle) lol! She’ll also “say” “ya ya ya” & “gee geegee”…but nothing seems to actually mean anything though she’s very animated intelling her stories so when she does talk, we’ll have to watch out! She alsodoes this alien voice that is hilarious! I’m going to try to post a video toshow you, we’ll see if I figure out how (I apologize for the loud Agent Oso atthe beginning )…

Elenahad her 9 month well baby check up today…she’s 22 lbs 5 oz & 2’ 5” tallputting her in the 95^th percentile…She’s the biggest baby the Dr hasright now. Everything looks fine & he’s pleased with her development.

I mentioned that Elena has her 4 front teeth (2 top, 2 bottom)…I was ableto get a photo…it’s a little blurry but shows her teeth well…

Andthat’s about it for us lately…I am really looking forward to Christmas &have been thinking a lot about what traditions I want to start with Elena…but I’llget into all that in a separate post.

100 Days...

2011-11-29T11:48:00.001-05:00

One year ago today marked 100 days until my due date...now this year, today marks 100 days until I return to work...I'm in denial & don't want to talk about it...

I took Elena to meet Santa...

As you can see, she was none too impressed...

It was really funny actually...when we got there Elena was mesmirized by the lights & decorations & was laughing at the other children meeting Santa & seemed very excited for her turn...she loved his bells & the bells the Elf shook to get her attention, she loved Santa's beard, his faux fur cuffs & his gloved hands...she was all smiles & I was so surprised & thought we might actually get a smiling photo...until I stepped away! Oh well, I think it's pretty darn cute :)

I have new worry & stress about Elena choking...she won't eat anything bigger than a small pea & that she swallows whole without chewing. Anything bigger she pushes out with her tongue & spits it out, literally spits it! I've tried Farley cookies (which she loves to crumble up but won't eat), I've tried chopped instead of mashed bananas, I even caved & bought some organic baby food...no dice. She does, however, have no problem picking up paper or lint from the floor & trying to eat that!! Oy!

We had our awesome photographer over again to take some photos for our Christmas cards...here's the 3 shots we used...

It was also our 1st snow that day...I'm happy to have a photo of Elena's 1st experience...she was none too impressed, lol!

Why Buy the Cow When You Can Get the Milk for Free?

2011-11-22T10:18:00.001-05:00

My Grandmother, Elena’sGreat-Grandmother, whom she’ll call GiGi lives with us. She was born in 1918 ona small farm in New Brunswick & when I say, “on a farm” I mean she was bornin the farm house. She grew up on said farm with few luxuries, she had to befrugal & couldn’t be wasteful. She married & had 6 children…money wasalways tight & she had to make it stretch between a family of 8.

To this day, she will cut moldoff cheese & eat the rest of the brick, she’ll make a sandwich with stalebread (including the ends) before she’d even think of throwing it away. Shekeeps napkins that, “weren’t used much” for a second go. She has bought atleast 3 new winter coats since moving in with me but she refuses to get rid ofthe old ones…because you never know. She has practically every dress she’s everworn to various family weddings, events, etc & she always resists when oneof her daughters insist she get a new outfit saying, “I can just wear what Iwore to so & so’s wedding/birthday/retirement.

I believe that her upbringing& adulthood molded her into this frugal, prudent women & having livedthru periods of hand-to-mouth has made her reluctant, nay loath to takeanything for granted…even though she’s financially comfortable now she stillwouldn’t think of being even the slightest bit wasteful…because you never know.

With everything Elena & Iwent thru when she was born, her losing so much weight & my milk takingalmost a week to come in, I believe it’s made me a little bit of a breast milkhoarder. I have obsessively pumped at least once a day…at first I pumped toencourage my milk to come in, then I pumped to build up my production &then to build a stash & aside from a bag or 2, I haven’t used any…if I wasgoing to be away for a feeding, I’d pump a fresh bottle rather than dip into mystash.

Now that Elena is almost ninemonths old, a bunch of the bags will expire being older than 6 months. I’mhaving trouble dealing with having to throw them out…it’s silly, I know! Asidefrom the bags, it has cost me nothing to collect this milk, yet the thought ofthrowing any out makes me feel so wasteful.

So I have officially stoppedpumping…it was a difficult decision…thoughts of, “what if I run out?!?!” &the more irrational thoughts of, “Elena’s going to STARVE if I stop pumping!!!!”I know it is the right thing though…I have to go back to work soon & Inever planned to pump then so it’s better to stop now than spend my 1^stday back at work engorged & uncomfortable. Soon enough I’ll have to weanElena from her 2 afternoon feeds. Once I’m back to work, I’ll still nurse herin the morning & at night until I dry up & switch her to cow’s milk. Itwas just a little scary getting here.

We’ll cover the emotions overweaning in another post ;)

November Rain

2011-11-11T07:20:00.001-05:00

It’sbeen a while since I’ve done a proper update post…I have so many blog postideas whirling around in my head & some half written but nothing has reallyformed into anything post-able…in the mean time Elena is growing & learning& changing…

Mobility

Elenahas been crawling for over a month now…once she was purposefully crawling, Icompletely baby-proofed our entire living room & made it her space. Ididn’t want to spend all our time saying, “No, don’t touch”…I mean, she’s ababy, she’s curious…she’s going to be in a lot of places where I’ll have to dothe “No, don’t touch” thing so I wanted her to have a space that was hers…butthere are 3 spots that are off limits: 1 electrical plug, the cable box & acorner that has my file & scrapbooking boxes…so in a room entirelydedicated to her, FULL of toys, where she can play freely, what is sheobsessively focused on? Yep, you guessed it: the plug, cable box & fileboxes!!!

Elenaseems to believe she can stand now too…only one problem, she hasn’t quitefigured out balance & gravity yet. She pulls herself up on things then justlets go…She’s also taking tentative steps…it’s very exciting. I blame her GiGi(her Great Gramma)…when she started belly crawling in August, GiGi said,“She’ll be walking by Christmas!!” My reply was,
“Oh Gramma, she’ll only be 9 months at Christmas, there’s no way Elena will bewalking by then!” Apparently Elena has other ideas!! We'll see...

Teething

I’mafraid to even type this for fear of jinxing it but teething hasn’t been nearlyas bad as I heard it could be…Elena has 3 teeth with her 4^thbreaking thru now. The saving grace for us has been Camilia…really seems totake the edge off…she'll get a “super dose” when a tooth is 1^stbreaking thru (when pain & discomfort is at it’s worst)…the “super dose” is3 doses 15 minutes apart…plus I give her 1 dose just be before bed. Thankfully,we’ve only had to use Advil or Tylenol very sparingly.

Sickness

Wehave been plagued by sickness lately…nothing too serious, it just seems likeone thing after another…I got a cold a few weeks back. The worst of that coldwas trying not to cough & wake Elena in the night…oh & the lack ofsleep.

Thenlast week…I got shingles!!! I’ve had them before & for any of you who don’t know,shingles are a strain of the chicken pox virus & aside from the itchiness,they hurt like HELL!! I got my outbreak along my rib cage & it felt likeI’d broken a rib. Since I’m still breastfeeding I was doubly concerned withElena either catching it or chicken pox or the medication crossing into mymilk. Thankfully, Elena didn’t catch anything & it turned out the meds docross into the milk but in a lower dose than would be prescribed so I took them.

Justwhen all that starts clearing up…Elena gets the sniffles. At first I thought itwas from her top teeth coming in until I got the sniffles too…it’s a cold &it started Saturday night. I was so worried about the time change but it didn’tmake any difference since we were up every hour that night…poor Elena couldn’tbreath. During the day she does alright since she’s upright & her nosedrains…so Sunday night, I propped her up on our nursing pillow & this madeall the difference. She’s slept relatively well these last few nights. Alsowe’ve used Coryzalia made by the same company as Camilia…she gets 1 dose beforebed & it helps.

Sleeping

Well…sleephas been our most challenging aspect…Nights were hit & miss for a long time but Elena napped really well during the day (2 or more hours twice aday!!). I read so many (too many) books, articles etc…so much conflicting info…Ireally overloaded myself, over thought the whole situation & was feelinglike an epic failure that I couldn’t get Elena to sleep with any consistency atnight…then one Saturday a few weeks ago we spent the day at my brothers &Elena barely had any naps, ½ hour in the morning & maybe ½ hour in theafternoon. My brother said, “maybe she’ll just konk out tonight!” I smiled& nodded but in my head was thinking, “Nope, that’s not how it works. Thebooks said so.” Well guess what? Yep, she slept like a log!! So I tested it thenext day…and day after that…limited Elena to no more than a 1 hour nap twice aday…well lo & behold she started sleeping straight thru…until she got thesniffles but that’s just a blip. Are you kidding me? I felt like such a dummy!!I mean now it makes perfect sense but I feel like a real idiot for not figuringout on my own that Elena wasn’t sleeping well at night because she was sleepingso much during the day!

Eating

Elenais doing really well in this department & her weighing in at 22 lbs provesit! I’m still making most of her food. I still puree all her veggies but forfruits I’ve been buying the Motts unsweetened apple sauces…she’ll eat justabout anything mixed in applesauce!! Elena’s funny about trying new foods…mysystem is to introduce something new & offer it daily for 4 days to allowfor reactions. Elena always resists & does not take it well. After the 4days, I give her a break then re-introduce it a week or so later & she alwaysjust takes it without complaint from then on…so weird!

I’mgoing to be honest with y’all now…I am terrified of the next eating step offinger foods & Elena feeding herself. I am petrified she is going to choke& I am not confident in my first aid skills & worry I’ll panic. If itwere up to me, Elena would eat pureed foods until she was 12! I know I have toget over this for Elena’s sake but I am gripped with fear at the thought of herchoking. I am constantly thinking & worrying about having to start moretextured foods…my stomach is in knots just typing about it. She does get sometexture now with her green beans & peas & I mash her banana instead ofpuree it & the apple sauce isn’t smooth…but that’s about as much texture Ican bring myself to offer her. Can’t we just wait until she has ALL her teeth?And is old enough for me to explain how important it is for her not to choke?!?!?

Okay,now that I’ve worked myself up into another panic attack about Elena choking,maybe it’s time to wrap up this epic update post. If anyone has any adviceabout any of the above, please share…

BOO!!!

2011-10-31T18:27:00.000-04:00

Elena's 1st Halloween...A Pictorial

We went to a Vampire Party on Saturday...having been a vampire genre fan since Anne Rice & since Elena's name came from Vampire Diaries, I couldn't pass up this t-shirt, it says "My Daddy's a Vampire"

Guess What??? Pumpkin Butt!!!

This is the best photo I could get of today's costume...

Me Time...Take Two

2011-10-19T11:29:00.003-04:00

Okay…hereI am week 2 of Me Time. Thank you so much for your support & very excellentadvice on my last post. It really took me by surprise how hard it was. I mean,I’d been out without Elena many times before…but last week was the first timeshe went out without me…I was home & she was out & the house was soquiet. & I didn’t know what to do with myself. This week I made sure I hada plan…I actually have a whole list of things to do…I haven’t done any it…

Instead, let's just enjoy some silliness...

Elena's Muffin Top

Her Bubble Beard

And just being silly trying on hats

I Didn't Expect This

2011-10-12T10:21:00.002-04:00

UGH!!! Okay, so for the last couple weeks, my Mom & I have been planning for Elena to go with her to her church Wednesday mornings so that I can have some Me Time & Elena can start getting use to being away from me. We had decided that today would be the 1st day since I have a Dr appointment. I have been looking forward to this since we came up with the idea...the Me Time, not the Dr appointment.

Now, here I am, all alone in my house...I don't like it. I've been crying since they left. Chances are, they'll be home before I even leave for my appointment but I just feel empty. How the hell am I going to go back to work?

To be honest, I'd been trying to back out of letting her go since last night. My Mom, being the wise women she is, gently insisted she take Elena & reassuringly told me Elena would be just fine...which I know she will be but I can't help but wonder how she is...what is she thinking? Is she wondering where I am? Is she feeling lost without me like I am without her? Rationally I know it's better for her to have some time away from me as much as it benefits me to be away from her...but UGH!!!

7 ~ 37

2011-10-09T12:28:00.000-04:00

Elenaturned 7 months this week…and I turn 37…I always believed that I would marry at25, have 2 or 3 kids by 30 & would be deeply immersed in raising childrenby the time I turned 37…that obviously didn’t work out…but I’ll take what I gotthank you very much! I mean, the guy I was dating at 25 who I expected to marry& have those 2 or 3 children with, I can’t even fathom what a mistake thatwould have been. Someday maybe I’ll write about what a nightmare thatrelationship turned out to be but for now, take my word for it, I am colossallybetter off…hindsight & all.

I’vebeen thinking a lot lately about how glad I am NOT to be in a relationshipright now. Surprises the hell out of me! I never thought I’d feel this way. Ohsure, I miss the emotional support & extra pair of hands (& paycheck) apartner would provide but on the other hand, I am glad I don’t have to thinkabout having sex, I’m grateful I can give Elena my undivided attention &not have to be concerned about a partner’s needs.

Thenthere’s the exciting milestones Elena has hit lately…her first tooth poppedthru, bottom right, & the one next to it has just broke thru too. She’sfigured out how to sit up from laying down …she tentatively crawls beforesprawling on her belly…she pulls herself up on EVERYTHING…no matter how sturdythe object is. She then likes to let go & turn to look for me, to make sureI’m watching I guess, which inevitably results in her falling…she has alsofigured out that she can “walk” along whatever she’s pulled herself up on. Funfor her, nerve-wracking for me! Do I miss having a partner to share these amazingmoments with? Honestly, not really. My Mom & Gramma both live with me…&there are always friends & other family just a text or phone call away toshare a moment with.

Thethings I do miss about not having a partner, like the extra pair of hands orextra paycheck, aren’t really great reasons to be in a relationship…down theroad, as Elena gets older, I’m sure my heart will open up again to the idea ofdating & being in a relationship…for now, I’m quite content putting all my energyinto raising Elena & giving her my undivided attention...but if one moreperson says, “well now is when you’ll meet Mr. Right since you least expect it…blah,blah, blah” I might punch them!

And now for some brag photos...these are from Elena's Half Year photo shoot...I couldn't help but make the 1st one my new header!!

Eating Adventures Part Deux

2011-09-21T19:04:00.000-04:00

We’re actually doing pretty well in this departmentnow…Elena no longer pinches my boob during feedings…that’s a relief! I’m gladit was a short lived phase!! I used a technique I read about to keep a teethingbaby from biting the nipple: expressing displeasure without scaring her,stopping the feed each time she pinched & expressing an obvious frown.After a feed or two of doing this, she stopped the pinching & hasn’t done itsince…gives me hope she’ll learn not to bite me too.

As for solids, we’ve moved on from cereal to veggies now…Iam proud to say that I have stuck to my decision to give Elena homemade babyfood…I’m sure I’ve mentioned before but in case you forgot, let me remind youthat I am LAZY!!! As much as I want to make Elena’s baby food, I thought I’dgive up if it was too hard. I am happy to say it is pretty easy & amsticking with it. The worst part is the peeling, chopping & steaming but thatisn’t so bad & I can often con my Mom into doing that part. I love my MagicBullet too! It purees perfectly & is so easy to clean.

Elena has tried sweet potatoes, carrots, squash & peasso far. She, of course, loves sweet potatoes. I’m surprised to learn that Idon’t mind them either. I’d never had them before feeding them to Elena. What Idon’t understand is that Elena blatantly disliked carrots yet has taken aliking to peas…one strange kid, in my opinion, lol!! I mean, who likes peas& not carrots? I hate peas!!! They smell disgusting & my stomach turnsevery time I get a taste when I’m checking temperature while feeding Elena.Seriously! How can you like peas & not carrots?!?!?! I’m going to introducecarrots again & try to convince her that they are awesome!

Now that Elena has a few veggies under her belt, I’vestarted giving her two different ones at a meal. It’s funny to see the look onher face when we switch from one vegetable to another…she’s a little miffed atfirst. She also does this fake little gag/cough that is hilarious…

I think we’re just about ready to jump into the world offruits. I held off thus far because I was afraid she’d refuse vegetables if shetasted the sweetness of fruits first. Apparently that’s a myth…I swear there isso much conflicting information out there about how & what to feed your child,it’s very confusing & frustrating. It’s very important to me for Elena tobe a healthy eater. I was a very fussy & picky eater…I want to try to curbthat behavior in Elena. I won’t be so strict never to allow junk food…remember,I am lazy! What kind of mother would I be to deprive my daughter the pleasurethat is ice cream sundaes or peanut butter cheese cake or chocolate fudge brownies…

What's New

2011-09-12T11:42:00.000-04:00

SoMuch!!!! I can’t believe how much Elena has changed in the last few weeks, letalone the last 6 months. She had her well baby check up & needles lastWednesday…she weighs a whopping 19 ½ lbs & 2’3” tall! The Dr ispleased that her growth is so consistent. He said the words every nervous-first-time-worry-wart-momneeds to hear: “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it…she’s perfect.” She tookher needles like a champ…it breaks my heart though because when she’s stuckwith the first needle, she cries a bit but takes it in stride but when the Dr sticksher the second time, she looks at me with this look like, “AGAIN?!?!?!?!MOMMY!!!! Why are you letting this happen to me?!?!?!??!” She calms down again prettyquickly which makes me feel better.

Elenais learning so much so quickly…she is mobile now that she figured out how tobelly crawl…it made all the difference once I bought play mats to put down ontop of our carpeting. I was putting her down on a quilt, which was fine for awhile (& necessary due to her spitting up) but she couldn’t get anytraction. I bought those interlocking foam mats & the first time I put herdown on them, away she went!

Shecan’t get into a sitting position on her own yet but if I sit her down, she isable to balance herself & keep from toppling over most of the time. From hersitting position, she can get herself onto all fours & she rocks back &forth like she’s thinking about crawling but if I don’t save her soon enough,she’ll usually face-plant!

She’sgood for about 15-20 minutes of independent play before she’s craving myattention whether it be on the floor or in her exersaucer. She seems tounderstand when I’m eating or pumping as she will play well on her own while I’mdoing either of these but if I grab the laptop or iTouch to check emails orblogs, she fusses & squawks for my attention. I don’t mind too much though…Ican’t imagine a better way to spend the day than playing with Elena &watching her discover the world. Elena is fascinated with the most mundanethings but watching her eyes sparkle as she explores everything has mecaptivated!

Shelikes to watch TV & loves the Disney Junior channel…which she comes byhonestly since I’m a TV-aholic (& so’s Grandma)…it’s always just on in theback ground but she has her shows that she’ll pay attention to like HandyManny, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Imagination Movers & she likes some of the “commercials”between shows too…it’s the songs that grab her attention. She stops everything whenManny & the Tools sing their work song or for the Hot Dog Song on Mickey…herfavourite show is Bear in the Big Blue House. It’s the only show thatcan hold her attention for the entire episode and she just loves Luna & theGoodbye Song…

Wehad to give up the cloth diapers. All of a sudden Elena was getting thesereally bad bum rashes…I’d switch her to disposables, it’d clear up then within aday or two of being back in the cloth ones, the rash would reappear. Theservice said they hadn’t changed anything so it’s a mystery why, after 5months, she was getting these rashes. Since she was fine in the disposables, I hadto switch…I was disappointed but couldn’t continue with those horrible rashes.

Andthat’s life with us now-a-days…better get this posted before Elena learnssomething else new, lol!

Wacky Dream

2011-09-08T22:59:00.000-04:00

I had the wackiest dream the other night that I just had topost about!! It went like this:

I ran into Little One(of The Clock Finally Started Ticking)at a coffee shop & she invited Elena & I to come along with her &Scarlett to a gathering of other single moms…I said sure & we went to thepenthouse apartment of Abby (of True Confessions of a Single Mama) as she &Calliope were hosting this gathering. The others that were in attendance were:Lorelei (of Perpetual Ambition) with her “daughter” Rose, SurlyMama (of It’sDefinitely Possible) with her “daughter”& Mama Time Bomb (of Baby TimeBomb) with her “daughter”, Magdalena.

Now this is strange already for a number of reasons…althoughI have met Little One IRL & seen photos of Abby & SurlyMama, I have NOIDEA what Lorelei or Mama Time Bomb look like, yet in my dream I havemanifested faces for them…also strange is that my subconscious has “decided”that Lorelei would be having a girl & name her Rose, SurlyMama would have adaughter though my over active subconscious didn’t name her…Mama Time Bomb isn’tpregnant yet, but my mind “decided” she’d have a daughter & name her Magdalena…&it get’s weirder!!

So we’re all visiting & Abby is serving these delicious appetizerswhen I decide I need to change Elena’s diaper…I go into a spare room &start changing her on the floor. Little One comes in with this guy…I’msurprised since I thought this would be a SMC gathering…Little One proceeds tointroduce this guy & give me a dating-profile-esque run down about him…Ithen go into the kitchen & there’s another guy who Abby introduces to me inthe same style followed by SurlyMama introducing yet another guy…

I’m feeling pretty suspicious at this point & feeling like I’mbeing set up so I turn to Lorelei & ask her what’s going on. She responds, “OhTara, we all thought you really needed to meet someone nice & settle downso pick one of these great guys & be happy!”

At which point I woke up!! So wacky!!!

Best 6 Months of My Life

2011-09-05T12:17:00.001-04:00

It’s easy to say that now!! Weeks 1 thru 4 ½ weren’t exactlyfun…thankfully, due to the sleep deprivation, I don’t really remember detailsof those weeks except that I was exhausted & wondering when this motherhoodgig would get fun! It’s fun now…for the most part, anyway!

Elena turned 6 months old yesterday & I take a page from Lara's book & decided to celebrate Elena's Half Birthday. We had family & friends over for a BBQ...& even though it rained most the day, we just moved the party inside & still had a great time. Since I was so busy with things yesterday, I haven't had a chance to compose an update on all the wonderful things Elena can do...so I thought, since many requested photos, I take that easy route...Enjoy!

Here she is yesterday...LOVES that toy, the post anyway...if I stack the rings on it, she dumps them off...even if she's playing with something else, when she notices I've stacked them, she will reach over, dump them off then go back to what she was doing!!

Please, Mommy??!!!

We had some professional photos taken...this is the same photographer we used for Elena's 3 week old photos...she is awesome!

99 Posts & 1 Non-Post

2011-09-02T16:36:00.001-04:00

This is my 100^th post…I have noticed the numbergetting closer & have been trying to come up with a special way tocommemorate it. I thought about listing 100 things that make me happy orgrateful & although gratifying for me, seemed colossally boring for you. Ithought about doing a giveaway but realized I don’t have anything worth givingaway & though am quite talented in the craft department, just don’t havethe time to take something like that on…how about 100 pictures of Elena? Cute butseriously, not as much fun for everyone else as for me...with Elena’s HalfBirthday looming, I thought about tying that post to my 100^th butthat would be lame…

Now here we are & I have thought of nothing special formy 100^th post…so I am going to just post this non-post, clean theslate, take the pressure off & move on…

Thanks for reading!

I Need 3 Hands to Breastfeed & Other Eating Adventures

2011-08-22T21:38:00.000-04:00

Elena has started grabbing & pinching my boob whilebreastfeeding…I have bruises from the pinching. Everyone warns you about thesore nipples but no one ever mentioned this grabbing & pinching! I have triedgiving her a toy to hold onto…she just tosses that & grabs for my boob.I’ve tried urging her to grab my t-shirt…no dice. I miss the days she wouldjust knead at it! It’s quite challenging to support her with one hand, supportmy boob with the other & bat her hand away from grabbing & pinching!

I started Elena on Rice Cereal a few weeks ago…I was naïveto think that babies just know how to eat off a spoon…I mean, every other babyI’d ever fed just did it! Of course, I wasn’t there for their first, second,tenth try either…Elena would open her mouth wide for the spoon but just as Iwould put it in, she’d look down at it resulting in spoonfuls ending up in hernose, cheek, forehead…I felt like such a dummy!

She’s got the hang of it now & I figured out she prefersit warm rather than cool & am working on getting the consistency of thecereal just right. I have to admit, the stuff tastes really good! I don’t mindtesting the temperature with my tongue & am just a little disappointed whenshe eats it all without leaving me a spoonful!!

Cereal all over her face & loving it!

Getting a nose full

Not Fair

2011-08-13T22:26:00.000-04:00

I'd been composing a post all week...just the usual update on life & happenings, etc...but since Friday, all I can think about is Shannon & Finn. I am stunned by Finn's MRI results. My heart hurts for Shannon & that she has to go through this. Please click over & offer her words of support. I wish there was more we could do but hope at the very least we can offer her strength.

Growing up, I would often lament (read whine), "But it's not fair!!" And without fail, my father would always respond, "No one ever said life was fair, kiddo." Now, as my heart screams, "NOT FAIR!!!" in my head I hear that Coldplay song, "Nobody said it was easy...No one ever said it would be this hard."

Lazy Hazy Crazy Summer Days

2011-07-20T20:37:00.000-04:00

Gosh…what a beautiful summer we’ve been having lately! Theweather has been just perfect…not too hot or humid…the days just seem to fly by…Iapologize for the long posts lately…when I get a chance to write, I really letit all out, lol!!

Elena has been doing pretty good…we have our challengingmoments but thankfully there’s a lot more fulfilling moments…I am so gratefulfor how often I laugh these days, really laugh…I can’t remember any time in mylife that I’ve laughed more often than these last few weeks…the other day Elenadid something funny, I laughed then she laugh which made me laugh harder whichmade her laugh harder…it was hilarious!

Switching to 3 hour feeds was easier than I thought it wouldbe…but I wouldn’t say it was completely easy either…I do feel like we have asemblance of a schedule & routine now though. It’s amazing what adifference that one extra hour between feedings makes…we have time to do things& I am confident going out more…Elena is eating better & sleeping reallywell. She wakes & nurses about 9am, nurses again about noon & naps,nurses around 3pm & naps, nurses about 6pm…we’ve been taking nice longwalks in the evening at about 7pm & by the time we get home, I give Elenaher bath & that takes us to her 9pm feeding when she settles for the night.Fantastic…for a week…then this last week Elena woke up in the middle of thenight 3 nights in a row. I’m not really complaining since she nursed & wentright back to sleep…but since then, she’s not going to bed after her 9pmfeeding anymore. She falls asleep but wakes up after 40 minutes & stays upuntil midnight but then goes down for the night…I guess the 12 hour sleeps weretoo good to last but I’m guessing that since she’s getting more consistent daytime naps, she only needs the 9 hours at night…and 9 hours is pretty sweet soI’ll take it. The challenging part is the 20-40 minutes before she’s due toeat…she can get very cranky & fussy…not every time but often enough…I canusually distract her but I often just give in & feed her 10-15 minutesearly.

The one thing that soothes Elena 90% of the time is if Ising to her…I’m not being humble or self deprecating when I say I can’t sing…Itruly have no musical talent & am completely tone deaf! So am completelyflattered that she loves my singing so much…my other singing issue is that Idon’t remember most of the lyrics to kids songs so end up doing medleys of abunch of songs, lol! Anyway, one of the songs she likes the most is “OldMacDonald Had a Farm”…easy for me since I know all the words ;) & I thinkElena loves all my goofy animal noises (our Old MacDonald has monkeys &elephants on his farm!)…because of Elena’s love of this particular song, Iremembered having a toy when I was a kid that I think many of us had, TheSee’n’Say where you pull the string & it makes the noise of the animal thearrow was pointing at…well lo & behold Fi.sher Pri.ce has made an updatedversion that I finally tracked down! Elena loves it!

I didn’t end up starting Elena on cereal just yet eventhough the Dr gave us the green light…I was so excited for her to start that Iwent out & bought bowls & spoons & Rice Cereal that I can addbreast milk to…then I just didn’t feel confident that she was quite ready…Ican’t really explain why, it was really more of a gut feeling but I’m just notsure she’s quite ready…she’s showing great interest in watching us eat &other signs she’s almost ready but the one thing that was catching me up wasthis tongue reflex thing…I don’t quite understand what I should be looking for.If anyone can describe this for me, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Now I will leave you with a few photos since I haven’tposted any in a while…

A Laughing Moment

The day we put her crib together...doesn't she look tiny in it?!?

Playing in her Exersaucer

Out for our evening walk

Everything I’ve Been Meaning to Mention

2011-07-04T18:46:00.000-04:00

Elena is 4 months old today! Can you believe it? I can’t! She had her 4 month check up today…she’s 16 lbs 5 oz & 26 inches long…tall? She is doing fantastically. The Doctor noted that she is a big girl but doesn’t have any concerns & was pleased with how bright & interactive she was.

I asked him about Elena feeding every 1.5-2 hours & he said at this point she is able to go for longer, it’s just up to me to extend the length between feedings…he suggested if I hold her off for 15 minutes for each feeding, Elena will catch on & I can extend things to every 3 or 4 hours…of course she’ll fuss, cry & resist at first but in a day or 2 she’ll never know the difference. It seems a little simple to me & I know it’ll be a challenge holding out when Elena is screeching to be fed but I'll give it a try!

Oh & yes, I said screeching! It’s one of her new things…she has a happy squeal-screech & an angry high-pitched screech. She also giggles and laughs all the time, it’s hilarious! She’ll start laughing at the oddest times & at the weirdest things…I think she’s inherited my odd sense of humour. Elena has also found her feet & toes…typically, she puts them in her mouth every chance she gets. This has helped her in starting to roll over from back to front…she’s done it a few times by accident & can’t quite figure it out when she’s actually trying…& now when she’s on her tummy, she has no interest in trying to roll over since she’s figured out she can scoot forward if she tries hard enough & she’s more interested in trying to do that.

Every post I’ve done lately, there was always something else I’d meant to mention & forgot…so I’ve been trying to keep track & hopefully catch up…

Cloth Diapering

Elena has been in cloth diapers since birth…we’ve had our ups & downs with them but over all I am happy. I went with a diaper service ‘cause you know my lazy ass was going to be washing diapers!! At $23 a week, cost-wise I think it’s comparable to disposables…I get 70 diapers & I’ve never run out. I made a stupid mistake the 1^st week…I had purchased Mother-Ease snap covers from them (also a good deal at 3 for $30) but they didn’t quite fit Elena when she was newborn…I also didn’t realize that the covers were a necessity so was frustrated that the diapers were “leaking” every time. Then I realized that was what the covers were for, duh!

Another small issue we had was Elena was getting some mild irritation on her toshy but we put a light layer of Sudocrem with each change & she’s good. If she gets a flare up, we just use disposables for a day & she’s back to good as gold. The only other times when Elena is in disposables is thru the night, since she’s in the diaper for 8-10 hours straight (sometimes 11 or 12), the cloth was too irritating. The disposables wick away the moisture 100% better. We also use disposables when we’re out for the day…bringing home dirty cloth diapers was a pain & kinda gross to me plus the disposables are a lot less bulky…surprisingly, the diaper pail for the cloth diapers is pretty odorless, I was a little worried it would be stinky & since Elena’s changing station is in our bedroom, I didn’t know how that would go…but the pail they provide has a charcoal odor barrier so it’s not bad at all.

Baby Food

Yes, my lazy ass is going to attempt to make Elena’s baby food…I’ve been told it’s not that involved & reading Gille’s posts about it & her great tips & suggestions, I think we can manage. I kept seeing the infomercials about the Baby Bullet & thought long & hard about getting one…then a very smooth salesman at a specialty store convinced me to purchase the full size Magic Bullet saying that it was better value since the Magic Bullet has a full size motor compared to the mini in the Baby Bullet plus you could do more at one time in the Magic Bullet & use it for a lot of other stuff too…& for that day only (note sarcasm here) they would throw in a “Baby Booster” kit that had individual food containers you could date (I’m picturing the ones like with the Baby Bullet) & a no-tip toddler bowl…all for the low low price of $120!! Yeah! I was hooked!! I happily skipped home with my fantastic deal only to find that the food containers were the same ones I could have purchased at the Dollar Store for a buck & the dating system? “Use a white board marker.” Yes, that is actually what the instructions said!! And since I’d been sucked into this purchase at a specialty store, when buyer’s remorse set in, returning it wasn’t an option since they very clearly stated at the checkout “NO REFUNDS, Store Credit Only”…what the hell am I going to do with a store credit at a specialty store that only sells infomercial products?!? Then, to rub salt in the wound, doesn’t Walmart have the Magic Bullet on sale 2 weeks later for $49.95!!!! Oy!!!

The Dr gave us the green light to start Elena on cereal…I’m glad for that as she seems ready…now I just have to buy cereal, spoons, baby bowls, a highchair…

Me Time

I don’t get a lot of me time…just me…away from Elena. My Mom is great & takes her for half an hour here & there when she’s home so I can get stuff done like laundry, dishes, a shower, dinner, etc…I’m asking her a lot more often lately to help Elena get more use to being away from me but to be honest, I don’t really want to be away from her. The days can be very long & I really crave a break sometimes but half an hour feels like enough for me.

The other day, my Mom looked after Elena for a few hours so I could run some errands at the mall. I had a nice afternoon & didn’t cry like I have in the past…it was easier going from store to store looking for what I wanted & sitting in the food court having lunch all while not having to worry about Elena or when she’d need to eat or where I would be able to. So I admit, it was a nice respite but I can’t shake the guilt of enjoying my time away from Elena. Being with Elena all day every day is very fulfilling…she amazes me continually & I love watching her learn & grow. She’s become such an easy going baby after those first couple of weeks of so much crying. I know it’s as good for Elena as it is for me for us to have some time apart. I’m telling you the god-honest truth when I say I don’t crave or desire time away from Elena but I do enjoy the time away & that’s what makes me feel guilty…

Congratulations!!

I’m so happy for the numerous BFPs going around lately!! Congratulations to Andrea, SurlyMama & Lorelei…also a big congrats to Rachel for becoming a licensed Foster Mom…and a welcome to the world to Chase, who couldn’t wait to meet his Mommy! If I missed anyone I’m sorry and congratulations to you as well!

Thank You!

A huge thank you for all your support & advice on my last post! It meant so very much to me & eased my mind...the advice offered by all of you wise women was very much appreciated.

Feeling Defeated

2011-06-22T13:05:00.000-04:00

I don’t even know where it started...maybe with how little success I’m having getting Elena into her crib…maybe it’s that I’m feeling exhausted with having to breastfeed every 2 hours (or less) & being concerned I’m just not producing enough to satisfy Elena...maybe it's what I perceive as criticism from family members…I don’t know…I do know that these are “Fun Problems” & I’ll take them over the myriad of other problems I could be having…I’m left feeling so defeated & tired though…

Oh, breastfeeding…I am so very grateful that I am able to…the closeness & bonding time it allows me to share with Elena is priceless…the way she stares up into my eyes as she nurses is so precious…the convenience of not having to mix formula, wash bottles, heat bottles works well for my lazy ass & saving the expense on formula is such a blessing right now with money being so tight…I worry that I’m just not good enough…what I mean is that my milk isn’t good enough…Elena nurses about every 2 hours but usually it’s more like every hour & a half…rationally, I know she’s fine…she’s growing well, man is this kid growing!! She’s getting heavier & more roly-poly & it seems like she grows longer (taller?) everyday!! She’s already grown out of some of her size 6 months clothes!!! A drawback with her nursing so often is that it limits us for going out…though she takes a bottle well from other people, she will not take one from me…so if I go out alone, which most often I do, we have to either A) make sure there’s a place to nurse her while we’re out or B) not stray too far from home as we can only be gone for an hour & a half tops…that’s very limiting & a little isolating…there’s not as many places to nurse while we’re out as I thought there’d be.

Then there’s the crib issue…I was so naïve to think that I’d just be able to put Elena in it & she’d just take to sleeping in it without any problem…for every nap I lay her into the crib & she wakes within minutes & won’t be soothed to stay…the longest she’s made it (asleep) was 20 minutes…She doesn’t cry or get upset or anything & I’ve left her in there awake for 15-20 minutes hoping she’d fall asleep or at least become comfortable being there. I’ve tried a dozen techniques of placing her down…I’ve tried staying in the room, I’ve tried leaving right away…I’ve tried using a heating pad to warm her place before putting her down…I’ve waited until she’s deep asleep before putting her down…I’ve tried laying a t-shirt of mine down hoping the scent would trick her…I’ve tried running a fan for white noise like we have at night…nothing works! I’m at my wits end & ready to give up but know it’ll just get harder...

Then I’m questioning why I’m even putting so much pressure on us both to use the crib! A big part of me feels like I’m only doing it because everyone (my family) seems to think I should…I mean, Elena is sleeping just fine in my bed!! She naps really well in my bed & sleeps 8-10 hours through the night!! Why mess with that? It’s not like I have a partner that shares my bed & we have to worry about our relationship or intimacy or whatever…I know I always said I wouldn’t co-sleep but can’t I change my mind? The night before last (the 1^st (& only) night I put Elena in her crib at night) as I watched her sleep through the bars of the crib while I lay in my bed, it made me really sad…really, really sad. When I read about the negatives of co-sleeping, all that’s listed is the detriments to a couple or safety issues…well I don’t need to worry about the couple issues & I have been very diligent in making Elena’s sleep space safe…the benefits, however, seem to be plentiful…so am I just using these as an excuse to take the easy route? I don’t think so…

Everything I’ve done for Elena so far, every decision I’ve made, I’ve done research & asked advice but bottom line, I’ve trusted my gut…when I’ve considered stopping breastfeeding, my gut says, “NO!!!” When I think about keeping Elena in my bed, my gut says, “Yes”. I know that’s not a popular choice but I feel it’s the best choice for us.

I even feel better already having put it all out there! What do you all think?

The Soundtrack to My Life

2011-06-16T09:02:00.000-04:00

I’ve always felt like the songs on my iPod are the soundtrack to my life…okay, not all the songs. I mean Epic by Faith No More or In One Ear by Cage the Elephant don’t have much meaning other than they’re a good freakin’ songs…but a lot of the songs on my playlist have deep sentimental meaning for me.

Since Elena was born, I’ve been reevaluating my Favourites Playlist. I’ve realized that a lot of songs just aren’t the sentiment my heart is singing now…like Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day, Desperado by The Eagles, Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday, One by Three Dog Night, Possibility by Lykke Li just to name a few…I still love these songs…they’re just more gloomy for my current state of mind. I’d rather listen to Good Mother by Jann Arden, I’m On My Way by The Proclaimers, On The Radio by Regina Spektor, Ordinary Day by Great Big Sea or ‘S Wonderful by Ella Fitzgerald…these are better examples of songs that reflect the joy in my heart.

One year ago today marked the beginning of this fabulous life I now live. One year ago I wrote this post to my one viable Follie…the next day, one year ago today, sperm was sent to meet egg & my life began to change forever. Elena began this very day last year. There was one song that I listened to repeatedly during that time…the lyrics spoke what my heart felt. The song? More Than Life by Whitley…this verse particularly:

“To touch something real,
Will help your wounds heal,
Like the sun on your face,
The dreams of starry nights.

And we are homeward bound,
And I, I want this more than life…”

I listen to it now & it still makes me cry…I’ll never hear that song without feeling all the hope, fear & excitement of last year. This day last year, I dreamed & prayed that today I would be holding my child in my arms, kissing her beautiful face, reveling in her precious smile & that is exactly what I’m doing today.

Three Months

2011-06-05T20:56:00.000-04:00

Elena turned 3 months old yesterday & what better way to spend the day than at the Choice Mom’s event in Toronto! It was such a great day! Meeting Mikki Morrissette was such an honour & connecting with other Choice Mom’s was amazing. I even met Lisa Rebecca from “The Clock Finally Started Ticking” & her beautiful daughter Scarlett. I thought Elena had big blue eyes! Scarlet has stunningly large blue eyes! It was such a great day…I also found out about a monthly support group for Choice Moms in Toronto so am looking forward to joining that!

Elena is still growing in leaps & bounds…she changes every day & is really developing her personality. It’s pretty clear she’s going to have a temper, just like me. My Mom thinks this is justice, lol! If I don’t feed her soon enough or pick her up when she wants me to, she screams bloody murder. She’s having to deal with a lot of frustration now…because she’s learning it’s possible to do things, she gets frustrated when she can’t. Like rolling over…she knows she can, she’s done it by accident…but she can’t quite figure out that she’s getting her arm in the way when she tries. Also, since she now like to bring EVERYTHING to her mouth, she gets very frustrated with her mobile toys since she can’t pull them to her. Elena is very interested in the TV now. She loves colourful vibrant shows. My Mom has a large screen HD TV & Elena loves watching it, especially Nascar which make her Grandma proud!

I got my hair all chopped off recently…while I was pregnant, my hair became so thick & luscious…it is now falling out like crazy! It’s driving me crazy & is one of the few things I miss about being pregnant. I had it cut short so that Elena doesn’t keep grabbing handfuls of hair. I don’t really like it but it serves the purpose for now…& it’ll grow back.

Another Choice Kid was born!! Welcome to the world, Haven!

Lastly, here’s a photo of Elena…I finally caught a smile!!!

Moments...

2011-05-27T21:38:00.000-04:00

First, I want to clarify last week’s title…when I said it was boring, I meant boring for y’all, not for me…every moment I have with Elena is precious & a dream come true…yes, even the screaming crying & poopy diaper moments. So I really appreciate that you don't think it's boring either.

Elena is still sleeping like a super star going for at least a 7-8 hour stretch each night or like last night where she slept from 12:30 straight thru to 9:30 this morning! Then she fell asleep while feeding & slept until 11:30am!! She’s actually been sleeping a lot these last few days so I think she’s in a growth spurt…even though she’s breast feeding like a champ, I’m worried I’m not producing enough…I haven’t supplemented yet but I’m thinking about it. I just don’t know what to do. During the day she feeds every 2 hours still…she’s not starving by any means; you should see how big this kid is, lol!! I’m just worried that Elena needs more.

Elena is still trying so hard to giggle but hasn’t quiet got it yet but she’s so close! She smiles like crazy & is such a flirt!! And her babbling! OMG her babbling is hilarious! She’s so serious sometimes like whatever she’s saying is of the utmost importance…she also will “sing along” with me! The kicker though is that as soon as I flip the camera on to record her, she clams right up & just stares deadpan into the camera! This makes me laugh but also frustrates me to no end!

She’s rolled over from tummy to back 4 times now…ya, you read that right….she’s not a genius or anything though…all 4 times she did it by accident & surprised herself by doing it…the look on her face was priceless! When she actually tries to do it, she gets her arm in the way & then gets so frustrated that she can’t roll over. When she’s on her back she doesn’t even try to roll over…but she loves when I pull her up into a sitting position.

What’s weird is that now that Elena is sleeping so well, I find I have so little time to read blogs & am woefully behind & apologize for that and for not commenting as often as I want to. During the day, Elena is awake a lot of the time so I am keeping her entertained & she’s entertaining me. She only takes quick naps so when she does I run around like crazy getting something to eat, throwing in a load of laundry, washing a few dishes, putting clothes away…I’ve got into the habit of using my iTouch & the Google Reader app to read posts while I’m breast feeding but that makes commenting difficult. Basically, the reason I’m explaining all this is because I want to thank everyone who reads, whether you comment or not, I really appreciate it…I also want to thank all of you bloggers for writing & sharing.

I have been so overwhelmed lately with how complete my life feels now…I had felt for years that I was floating through life without any real purpose or direction…I had put everything I had into my career hoping to feel fulfilled but never did…I invested huge amounts of effort & energy into a couple of long term relationships only to realize I was more invested than he was…I explored religious & spiritual avenues for purpose…none of these things filled that place inside me that felt so empty. Now, finally, I feel complete. I feel that my life has purpose & direction. I am overwhelmed by how grateful I am for this life that has been entrusted to me. Love is too small a word…watching Elena discover the world & having the opportunity to lead her along fills me with a degree of joy I never felt possible.

Boring Post - 11 Weeks

2011-05-20T21:58:00.000-04:00

I couldn't think of a better title & since this'll just be a boring baby post I thought I'd warn you up front :)

Elena is 11 weeks old today...wow! 11 weeks! I think I say that every week but I can never believe how quickly time seems to be passing. Also how much Elena changes from week to week. I keep having to remind myself that she's only 2 1/2 months old as she seems to be growing up so quickly.

2 or 3 weeks ago, I put Elena in her Excersaucer for the 1st time & she couldn't even touch the bottom & didn't even take notice of the toys on the tray (since she started holding her head up early on, she's very strong with it but I put her in the seat backwards so the back of the seat can support her, a tip a fellow mother gave me)...now she already touches the bottom & is just figuring out how to bounce & she is mesmerized by the toys & has figured out how to make them rattle.

We have one of those playmats with the stuff hanging overhead...Elena does not like this...she won't spend much time on her back or her belly when she's awake to begin with but she does not like to be underneath the hanging toys at all. I'm worried she'll never learn how to turn over if she won't spend any time on her back or belly.

She's already pulling herself forward when she's sitting in her chair or swing...I use to just sit her in them & not bother with the restraints (I know, bad Mama) but I can't do that anymore now that she tries to sit forward...I joke that she's working on her 6 pack they way she uses her abs lately, lol! When you hold her on your lap, she sits right up, you really have to be careful!

Sleep has still been really good & pretty consistant...the last 2 nights she's gone a 8 hour stretch of sleep from 1am-9am!! What a treat for me!! She's sleeping in bed beside me now so I really get a great sleep since I know she's safe & she's comforted by me being so close.

My work had a Shower for me recently...they like to hold them after a baby is born so everyone can meet the baby...we were totally spoiled! The benefit of working in the Finance Department, they know how to stretch a budget!! They bought us our crib & the mattress!!!...plus a carrier, this neat night light shaped like a turtle that projects stars onto the ceiling & a bunch of clothes! I'm most grateful for the crib as that was a big expense I now don't have to worry about...I am procrastinating putting it together though as I'm not ready to try to transition her in it yet...selfish I know but I want to keep her close just a little longer.

What else is going on? Elena is trying so hard to laugh! She does this huge, wide mouthed smile then this high-pitched squeal...it's so cute. She works really hard at her babble too...watching her form her lips around the sounds is adorable.

I feel like there's a million other things I wanted to post about but for the life of me can't think of them now...but will as soon as I post this, I'm sure, lol!

Have a good long weekend everyone!! (is that just in Canada this weekend?:)

A Pleasant Surprise

2011-05-13T16:21:00.000-04:00

For the last few days, like most of you I'm sure, I have been anxiously awaiting news from Shannon over at Chasing Rainbows...so you can imagine how pleasantly surprised Elena & I were when we arrived home yesterday from our errands to find a package on our doorstep. Lo & behold it was a gift from Shannon & Chiquitito:

We were so touched & grateful! And even more pleasantly surprised to learn that Chiquitito had been born!!! Congratulations Shannon & welcome to the world Finnegan!

Elena had a wonderful day for our Mother's Day walk-a-thon...We got to see the Midwives that delivered her & had beautiful weather:

This photo isn't an indication of how Elena felt about the day...I just think it's a funny picture & had to share, lol!

Elena is 10 weeks old today...we're really doing well now. Elena must have heard me complaining about her night owl ways as for the last 5 nights, she's slept from 10pm-3am, wakes, feeds then sleeps until 8am!! Knock wood that she keeps this up!!

She's already started drooling like crazy! I thought this strange to happen so soon but have learned that it's normal...I just hope this doesn't mean she'll start teething early!!

She's found her hands & is mesmerized by them...She'll also wave them at me with this look on her face like, "Look Ma! Look what I have!!" She seems so proud of herself...it's too cute!

And now I'll leave you with a proper photo of Elena...

What's the Haps...

2011-05-02T20:53:00.000-04:00

It amazes me how time seems to be flying by yet ticking by slowly all at the same time...how can that be? Elena has changed so much! Can you believe that she's already 8 weeks old? She'll be 2 months on Wednesday!

Life is easier...not easy but easier...fun...& fulfilling. Elena is a bit of a night owl...she's sleeping for at least one 4-5 hour stetch a day which is great but she also seems to like to be up from 1am to 4 or 5 am...not fun! She sleeps with me all the time now...another thing I said I'd never do! It's a matter of survival really...Elena will sleep longer & more soundly if's she's on my chest or cuddled into my side...so that's how we sleep. It got to the point where did I want to stand on my convictions or did I want to sleep...I wanted to sleep...so what if she turns out to be twelve years old & still sleeping with me, lol! Now that Elena is 8 weeks old I was going to start moving her towards sleeping on her own but today she had her immunization shots & is feeling pretty yucky so I think I'll wait a few days.

Elena has graduated from the Midwives care to our family Dr...she is now 12.4 lbs & 23.2 inches long...she's in the 70th percentile for weight & 90th percentile for height...I don't really get this "percentile" thing...what I mean is why everyone is so concerned with what percentile their kid is in but I am glad to know that she is developing & growing well.

She was such a trooper during the whole visit...she didn't cry or fuss while being examined, she didn't pee on me while out of her diaper & even though she screamed bloody murder while being stuck with the needles, she quieted quickly. Her poor little thighs are red & swollen & she's definitely uncomfortable but the Infant Tylenol seems to be doing the trick.

Elena really is so much fun nowadays...she's smiling like crazy & she reacts to my voice & follows me with her eyes...if she's crying while being held by someone else, she instantly calms when I take her which feels awesome...she's a happy baby most of the time...though when she's in a mood, she can SCREAM. I think she may have a bit of a temper! She's starting to coo & babble which has me in stitches! I think she'll be a talker like me!

You can tell by her weight that she's an excellent eater...she's exclusively on breastmilk...which is good & makes things easy for me but she feeds pretty much every 2 hours which is a bit exhausting but I'd rather feed on demand right now then have her cry if I try to stretch it out. I'm such a dummy too...last week she was really fussy & crying more than usual & I couldn't figure out why...then I realized that, duh, she was hungry! She use to empty just the one breast during a feed but now she often takes both.

She seems to be managing her gas issues pretty well & I'm not needing to give her as much Gripe Water now. I'm still very careful with what I eat so as not to aggravate her but that helps with my weight loss...I'm telling you, the breast feeding diet is amazing! I've lost another 5 pounds & weigh 10 pounds less than I did when I started TTC! I can't wait until the weather finally gets nice enough for us to go out walking then the weight will just drip off!

Elena & I went to a Mommy & Me group a few weeks back...I wasn't impressed. I'm not much of a joiner to begin with & am very shy when I don't know anyone...well this group was obviously an established group of women who have been meeting together for a while & they made no effort to include me. The facilitator didn't even introduce me to the group & not one woman asked what my or Elena's name was...out of the 8 women there, 2 approached me...one asked how old Elena was & the other asked if I was breastfeeding & when I responded yes, she said, "Good" & turned away. Not a fun experience to say the least. I then inquired about the seminars they run like Baby Massage, Baby Yoga, etc & was told that everything was booked until June & then just waiting lists after that! I did some digging & found out about another group run in another part of my city so am going to try that one this week & hope it's a better group of women.

Elena, my Mom & I are participating in a walk on Mother's Day that my Midvives Group is sponsoring in support of Save the Mothers called Footsteps for Change. I'm very excited to participate in such a worthy cause...I just hope the weather is nice.

That's it for us...we're pretty boring these days but loving every minute!

Does it Hurt Any Less?

2011-04-28T13:47:00.000-04:00

It was 1 year ago today…I'd learned of my impending loss the day before but it was 1 year ago today that the pain & physical evidence of it started. I had never before experienced such all consuming physical & emotional pain at the same time. It was all so overwhelming…dealing with feelings of failure & self-blame, feeling so empty & lost…all while having to endure the anguish of my body expelling the life I had already begun to love. I secluded myself…turned inside myself & suffered alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to have to listen to their pity & platitudes…I didn’t feel like I deserved their love & compassion. I had started to question whether I should pursue this dream of motherhood. I hadn’t been prepared for this loss & grief. I endured those days of physical pain & emotional turmoil then stuffed it deep down inside & moved on…but the grief took longer to deal with…I’m still dealing…1 year later & I still grieve the loss of my 1^st pregnancy…would it hurt more if I’d had subsequent losses? I don’t know…I’m sure it would…but does it hurt any less now?

It’s starting to be how I thought it would…

2011-04-11T16:15:00.000-04:00

Before Elena, I’d had a lot of experience with children of all ages…as a teenager, I babysat a great deal & even nannied one summer for a newborn…I have been very involved with both my nephews since their births & my very good friend has 2 boys that I also have been around since their births…as prepared as all of this experience made me feel, it’s so very different when it’s a child of my own that I’m dealing with…I had all of these preconceived ideas about how I would do things…a list of stuff I would & wouldn’t do…did you feel that whoosh? That was my preconceived ideas & list of woulds & wouldn’ts flying out the window!!

I never wanted to give a pacifier to my child…Elena uses a pacifier…She’s a comfort nurser & likes to be on my boob for comfort & will overeat to the point of making herself sick…I was afraid to give her a pacifier because of all the info out there that says it will interfere with breast feeding…it hasn’t interfered at all, she still breast feeds without any trouble & now, between feedings, when she’s fussy & wants to comfort nurse we have an alternative that works. She doesn’t always take the pacifier & that’s how I know she’s upset for another reason.

I never wanted to give my child “elixirs” like Gripe Water…I give Elena Gripe Water…she’s a gassy little girl & needs the help getting her toots out…watching her suffer & not being able to help her was heartbreaking for me…now that she doesn’t have to struggle to get her toots out, she’s a happier girl.

I didn’t think I’d need things like a rocking chair or baby swing…I have borrowed a rocking chair & bought a second hand swing…my back was killing me from having to walk & bounce Elena to comfort her…Elena is just as soothed & comforted now by us rocking in the chair. The swing has been great for when Elena is awake…now I don’t have to constantly hold her. Some of my favourite times now are sitting in front of the swing & having face to face interaction with Elena…she’s starting to smile & react to my voice…it’s the best time for me to read to her.

There’s a ton of other things too & I’m sure that there’ll be a ton more over the coming weeks, months & years…it’s made me learn not to feel guilty for changing my mind & exploring other options…& that would be the only advice I’ll ever offer to new Moms (& Dads)…don’t feel guilty for changing your mind & trying things you never thought you would. Follow your instincts & you’ll always do what’s best for your child.

Elena saw the Chiropractor on Wednesday last week & there were 2 spots on her spine that he adjusted…what a difference it made…she doesn’t seem to struggle as much to expel her gas & it doesn’t seem as painful for her to push it out. He also identified a spot on her mid-back that had a muscle knot & I’ve been rubbing it out with gentle pressure & she seems so much more comfortable.

Elena also saw the Pediatrician on Thursday for the results of her renal ultrasound…her right kidney is still dilated but still at just 3mm which means it hasn’t changed as she’s grown so there’s no cause for concern…we’ll check it again at 1 year. The Dr also weighed her & she’s 10 lbs 4 oz now!! She’s also grown a whole centimeter in length!

The best news of all this week…Friday night, Elena slept most of the night only waking up to feed then going right back down & she’s done that every night since!! She must be in a growth spurt too since she’s wanting to feed every 2 hours again…but she’ll sleep from 7pm to midnight or 1am so I get my butt in bed by about 8:30 or 9pm & get a good sleep & am able to get back to sleep after her feeds thru the night…it’s also fun having Elena awake & playful during the day.

Things are finally beginning to feel routine…less stressful & hard…& the weather is finally starting to get nice enough for us to get out walking!!

Liz Taylor Died...

2011-04-04T19:38:00.000-04:00

...and I had no idea...how did I miss this? I didn't hear a peep about Ms Taylor's passing until I was standing in line at the Pharmacy & saw the People's Magazine tribute to her...I was so shocked I turned to my Mom & said, a little too loudly, "Liz Taylor died?!?!?!" I would have expected there be a total media blitz a la Michael Jackson for her so am baffled that I missed this!!

Elena is One Month Old today!!! One Month already!! We're doing pretty good...Elena had her 4 week check up & she is doing great, weighing in at 9 lbs 7 oz now...she had her renal ultrasound on Wednesday...you may recall that when she was inutero, her right kidney had been dilated...we don't get results until this Thursday but Elena was a superstar & didn't cry at all!!

Elena still has her days & nights mixed up...we had a couple of rough nights last week...I was afraid she was becoming colicy but she's just gassy...I have started drinking fennel tea regularly & found some alcohol free all natural Gripe water that seems to be doing the trick...plus she'll sleep for 4-5 hours after being up during the night so that's a good stretch of sleep for me. I've made an appointment for Elena to see a chiropractor...I've read that they can help with gassiness...hopefully it'll help Elena.

I Fit Into My Jeans!!!

2011-03-28T06:22:00.000-04:00

When I got home from the hospital, one of the 1st things I did was pull out all my favourite pre-pregnancy jeans & try them on...not only did none of them fit but I could barely get them up over my thunderous thighs & butt!! Before allowing myself to feel too dejected about this, I cut myself some slack & resigned myself to my maternity jeans for the time being...On Friday, after putting on said maternity jeans, they looked really baggy...so I tried on my jeans again...just to see...I didn't hold out much hope & gave myself a little pep talk as I pulled them up telling myself it had only been 3 weeks so if they didn't fit...but THEY FIT!! Yeah, me!!

As I slim down into my pre-pregnancy clothes, Miss Elena is already out growing stuff!! She doesn't fit in the outfit she came home from the hospital in & there are a few sleepers now that just aren't fitting well...cute thing is, she seems to be growing longer rather than chubbier so the next size sleepers fit her length wise but she's swimming in them...too cute.

Everything has been going along well for us...Elena seems to like to be up most the night & sleep during the day...which makes for going out pleasant since she sleeps the whole time but makes me a little tired...it's nice in theory to say, "Sleep when the baby sleeps" but there's a lot of stuff that needs to be done during the day that can't be done at 3am...but we're managing...I'm getting enough sleep not to be a zombie...I have been tempted to hit the 24 hour grocery or drug store just for something to do at 3am but as my Mom pointed out, "There are weirdos out at 3am!" LOL!

Elena Since Birth...

2011-03-21T23:54:00.000-04:00

First, I need to give mad props to you Choice Moms who do this completely on your own…sure, I don’t have a partner but I have had tons of help & could not have done it on my own…okay, I could have done it on my own but I’m glad I haven’t had to!

Elena & I have had a very challenging 1st two weeks…our 1st bit of excitement happened in the hospital the night she was born…we were brought to our room on the maternity ward (we didn’t get one of the luxury rooms but we got a private which was nice)…it was a little unnerving, after having so many people around, to be all alone, just Elena & I...I was at a loss as to what to do. I unpacked a little & the nurse came in & gave me the low down then told me to try to get to sleep…Elena was sleeping soundly in the bassinet beside me so I laid down & drifted off for a bit…all of a sudden all I heard was what sounded like Elena choking!!! I couldn’t see anything as the room was dark but I quickly pulled the call bell & begged the nurses to come right away as my daughter was choking. I then switched on the light & looked at Elena…& just about passed out! There was blood all over her & it looked like someone had gutted a pig in her bassinet! No lie! There was so much blood! All I remember was feeling my knees go weak, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t speak & I didn’t know what to do!! Thank god the nurses were there instantly…they looked at Elena & were much more concerned for me at this point…it sunk into the logical part of my brain that if they weren’t concerned with Elena, then she must be fine & not choking…they explained to me that this was all perfectly normal, that Elena had ingested a bunch of my mucus & blood during delivery & was now throwing it up & that it happened all the time…so the blood was MY blood, not hers…when I could finally catch my breath & speak, I said, “Well someone should have warned me this could happen!! I thought I’d broken her already!!” That gave them a laugh…scariest moment of my life!!

Saturday night was hell for another reason…I had the Nightmare Nurse…she was just short of mean, very pushy & hounded me ALL NIGHT LONG about Elena not eating & implying she was starving to death…I’m not going to get into a lot of the details as I don’t want to give the wrong impression…I mean, in the 5 days I was in the hospital I had upwards of 30+ nurses tend to me in some capacity or another & only had 3 nurses who were not great…but this one was the worst!

Basically, she came in & told me I HAD to give Elena a formula bottle…she gave me conflicting reasons why...like I said, she implied Elena would starve by morning if I didn’t…I said if that was the case, I would page my midwife for her advice, the Nightmare Nurse’s response was, “Oh, this isn’t something to page your midwife about.” WTF?!?!? She makes it sound so dire then won’t let me talk to a Dr or lactation consultant or “bother my midwife”…I had started pumping what I could & finger feeding, cup feeding, spoon feeding Elena what I collected. Knowing what I know now & hind sight being 20/20, I would have given Elena the formula bottle…but the Nightmare Nurse’s approach prevented me from trusting her or believing her…she kept contradicting herself & giving me conflicting information (she told me Elena had lost 6% of her birth weight but I found out from my midwife the following morning that at that point she’d only lost 3%)…then blaming me for being over tired & not making good judgments but still hounding me & not allowing me to sleep!! Worst of all, while I was on the toilet, she came in to take Elena for her 24 hour tests, I told her to wait because I wanted to be there & she just left with Elena saying she would get things ready & I could meet her at the nurse’s station…this is strictly against hospital policy & I was flabbergasted!! I quickly got myself together & went to the nurse’s station & neither she nor Elena was anywhere to be seen. It turns out she had taken Elena down to where they do the hearing test & I had missed the whole thing…all she said to me was, “She passed.”

You can imagine that by Sunday morning, I just wanted to go home! I was an emotional mess having fought with this Nightmare Nurse all night & my biggest fear was that if I stayed another night, like they wanted me to, she would be on again & I’d have to deal with her again. Luckily, I was able to convince the Powers-That-Be to let me go…so Elena came home Sunday, March 6th.

We weren’t out of the woods yet though! Sure enough, Elena was losing weight as my milk hadn’t come in yet & the colostrum just wasn’t cutting it…I was afraid that if we introduced formula & bottles that she’d never go back to the breast…we tried finger feeds & all kinds of other breast feeding friendly interventions…but by Tuesday (March 8th) I just needed to see Elena eat & gain weight. She had lost a whole pound & was down to 7lbs 5 oz…I started her on formula the Monday afternoon & by Wednesday, she was up to 7lbs 11 oz…on Monday, I started taking some herbs (Fenugreek & Blessed Thistle, 3 capsules 3 times a day) & my milk came in Wednesday afternoon with a vengeance! I started pumping but I was afraid to offer Elena the breast because I was so afraid she would refuse…my Mom convinced me Thursday morning, after being up all night pumping & feeding, to just try…well, Elena took it like a superstar!!

We had an appointment with a Lactation Specialist that Thursday afternoon (March 10) & she helped me with understanding latching & what “let down” was (I thought it happened just once, not every time!) & since then Elena has been feeding exclusively on the breast & gaining like crazy! By Sunday, March 13th she was up to 8lbs 3 oz & by last Wednesday (March 16th) she had surpassed her birth weight & was up to 8lbs 9 oz!! This was good news for a number of reasons as you can imagine but most importantly it meant that I could stop waking her every 2 hours to feed…we could just feed on demand!

The only challenge we have now is that Elena likes to be up all night & sleep most the day! Compared to everything else, this is very minor & I’m pretty much just trying to sleep when she does though that’s easier said than done since the dishes & laundry, etc needs to get done too. Last night she had a good night though & tonight looks like we might be lucky again…

It has been through all of this that I have really had to admire the Choice Mom’s who have dealt with all of these same challenges yet they faced them alone…they didn’t necessarily have their Mom living upstairs to help out at any hour or their Aunt stopping by every day after work to pitch in & help with whatever was needed…I’ve really counted my blessings lately!

Sorry this is another long one but now we’re all caught up to date…Lastly, as you can see, I’ve changed up the look of my blog…I figured since I had entered this new phase, so too my blog should reflect that…what do you think?

Elena's Birth Story

2011-03-15T17:24:00.001-04:00

Finally…here is Elena’s birth story…be forewarned, it’s a long one…so hunker down, grab a snack…here we go…

We last left our laboring heroine (that’s me ;)) having been induced using Cervidil (which I kept calling Citadel, lol)…what I didn’t realize then but now know, the purpose of Cervidil is to soften & dilate the cervix…

I didn’t sleep much between excitement & needing to use the washroom every hour, literally! I truly thought that actual labour was sure to begin some time during the night & we’d head to the hospital…oh how wrong I was! My instructions when leaving the hospital were that they would call me the following morning to let me know when I was to come back for the next step unless labour started on it’s own…they called around noon & told me to come in for 1:30pm (this was March 3rd). We packed up the car & arrived at the hospital right on time.

I was shown to my labour & delivery room…all the rooms are decorated with different wallpaper boarders, like the dreaded “Tea Cup” room with a boarder of tea cups that gives it a more kitchen feel…I got the “Fairy Baby” room which suited me fine…little did I know I would be staring at those Fairy Babies for the next THIRTY ONE AND A HALF HOURS!!!!!

I got settled in & comfortable…they hooked me up to a monitor to check on Baby…the Dr came in for a check & I was only 2 cm dilated but my cervix was softening. At 3:15, the Cervidril was removed & my IV was put in…at 4pm, Oxytocin was started & slowly increased in ½ hour intervals…I was uncomfortable but not experiencing any pain…I was up & walking around…basically just waiting.

By 6pm, my cervical check showed no change at all…I wasn’t making any progress whatsoever but everyone seemed so sure I’d deliver before midnight…

At 6:30, it was decided to insert a Foley Cervical Catheter…remember when I thought the stretch & sweeps were a medieval form of torture? This ‘little’ procedure was taken from the same manual! Basically, it’s a catheter with a balloon on either end that they insert into my cervix & inflate a balloon with saline at either end…this is to put pressure on my cervix & encourage it to dilate…I was told that when I was 5cm dilated, the Foley would fall out…something to look forward to…

Things got very uncomfortable after that…moving around was uncomfortable, laying down was uncomfortable…at about 8pm, my water broke!! All on it’s own!! I was really happy since at least this could be one thing that was not done with intervention! The contractions started getting progressively more intense after that...

It was at this point I started to consider an Epidural…I hadn’t wanted to have one if I could manage but was open minded if I felt I needed it…& my thoughts on not wanting an epidural had nothing to do with trying to be a hero or winning some sort of medal…for me, it was the fact that once an epidural was administered, I’d be confined to bed plus my fear of having a needle inserted so close to my spine. I was afraid I’d jump & end up paralyzed…by 11:30pm (still March 3rd) I had to seriously evaluate my situation…it was no longer comfortable to be up & walking around…the many trips back & forth to the toilet were painful & uncomfortable & I only felt any kind of relief while sitting on the toilet…so I felt if I wasn’t up moving around, I might as well have some pain relief…I was also reassured that although there is a small chance of paralysis, chances were slim…also, it was very clear by this point that not only wouldn’t I be delivering before midnight, it was going to be quite some time & I’d need some rest…knowing it would take some time to arrange the anesthesiologist to come, I gave them the green light.

While waiting for the anesthesiologist, as luck would have it (read sarcasm here!!!) the Foley “fell out”…the good news was that I was now 5cm dilated…the bad news was it was just sitting inside my vagina…& this was VERY uncomfortable!!! The nurse came in & removed it…it would have been nice if this could have waited until AFTER the epidural since it HURT! Those balloons were the size of a couple of golf balls!! I thought about complaining about how much it hurt…then I realized I was gonna be squeezing something much bigger out so I sucked it up!

The anesthesiologist finally came & by 1:30am (March 4th now) I was in epidural heaven!!! I was feeling so good & even contemplated naming Baby Epidural, that’s how great I felt. The nurses advised that I get some rest & try to sleep…At 2:30am they realized they’d forgotten to put in my catheter & put one in…I then tried to get some sleep but they kept coming in every 20 minutes checking this & adjusting that…what I didn’t know at the time was that Baby’s heartbeat was dipping after each contraction meaning she wasn’t recovering well from them…the Oxytocin was turned off for an hour & they added sugar water to my drip to wake Baby…everything seemed fine after that so the Oxytocin was restarted after the hour.

Just after 7am (March 4th) they came in to check my progress, or lack there of…they continued to increase the Oxytocin & by 10am I was only 6cm dilated but contractions were coming more consistently…at 12:30pm the Drs came in again & I’d made better progress, 8 cm dilated then just stayed there at 8cm…c-section was discussed but we decided to give it another 2-4 hours & see…at 2:30pm there’d been no change…by 4:30pm I was exhausted, physically & emotionally, I was very uncomfortable & feeling a lot of pain despite the epidural…I was done. When the Drs came in at 5pm, I told them as much & said I couldn’t go on…the Dr encouraged me to do just 3 test pushes just to see what happened…I agreed & pushed & she said my pushes were successful & had moved Baby down…she said I was now 9cm dilated & encouraged me to give it another 4 hours…I refused & said I couldn’t make it…she advised just 1 more hour…I agreed to the hour only after she promised that if there wasn’t any change, we’d move to a c-section...no more waiting.

During that hour, things got way more intense…the nurse gave me a super dose of epidural & put in a fresh one so it wouldn’t need to be changed if I started pushing…the Drs came back at 6pm on the dot & lo & behold, I was fully dilated & my contractions were really strong…I was in significant pain & can’t imagine how painful those contractions would have felt without the epidural! It was time to push…

I started pushing at exactly 6:08pm…it was pretty intense…I had a lot of help, my Mom & my Aunt were there, my nurse, a med student who’d been involved with my case since Wednesday, one of my midwives & her student…they were all very encouraging & played their role in keeping me focused & pushing effectively…there was a shift change at 7pm & I got a new nurse & she had a midwife student with her…the nurse change was very inconvenient since we had such a good dynamic going & the new nurse that came in had an attitude & just started doing things like moving the bed or wiping at me without being asked or warning me what she was doing…I snapped at her & told her to just back off so she then sulked in the corner like a petulant child…I didn’t understand how she could be so inconsiderate…I needed a lot of focus & we (my “team”) had such a great rhythm going that she just wasn’t helpful…her student seemed to get it & hung back until she saw a need to be filled then jumped in…I did notice my midwife took the nurse aside & spoke to her & after that she was better…

I really want to describe how intense things got at this point…I mean, the pain was unimaginable, the pressure was beyond my comprehension…but beyond that, I can’t think of the words to describe it…especially at those final moments when Baby was coming out… I had sent my Mom to the sideline because she was just traumatized seeing me in such pain & watching what was going on, the “professionals” took over the coaching…I don’t know how I continued to push…I just closed my eyes & focused on the Dr’s voice as she was telling me how, when & where to push & the midwife student’s voice who was soothingly telling me how great I was doing & how awesome I was…I had no other awareness…I knew about the shift change so knew it was after 7pm…at one point I heard them talking about needing a stool but couldn’t understand what for…turns out they needed to get up on the bed & push down on my pelvis to help Baby out…I also wasn’t aware at the time that the Pediatric Team had been called in as there was some concern for Baby & what condition she’d be in when she came out…but like I said, I was so focused on pushing her out, I was completely oblivious to all of this.

Then, right around 8:52pm (I thought it was 7:30pm…seriously!) out she came…& oh the relief that washed over me…they whisked her right over to the warmer & she was checked & double checked & she started wailing…that a beautiful sound!! She cried & she wailed & I had to wait…they had to check that her shoulders hadn’t been displaced, they had to make sure her airways were clear & that everything else was ok…during this time the Dr told me I had to push out the placenta…my response was, “YOU WANT ME TO PUSH AGAIN?!?!?!?” & they laughed & said it would be easy & it was…

Everyone kept asking if Baby had a name…I told them I had to see her…Finally, they asked if I was ready for some skin to skin & to hold her…I was overcome & speechless & just nodded…she was wailing away but as soon as she was laid on my chest & I put my arms around her, she quieted instantly & looked up at me with her big blue eyes…it was in that instant that she ceased being “Baby” to me & I knew she was Elena, my daughter.

7 Days...

2011-03-11T20:52:00.010-05:00

Wow...At this moment one week ago today, I was in the most intense experience of my life...7 days already...& yet it seems like a lifetime as well...I'm still working on Elena's birth story post but in the mean time I had to share her 7 day old birthday photo...

I also wanted to say that I am slowly catching up on reading blogs...since I'm pumping or feeding while reading, I've gotten lax at commenting & apologize for that...we are slowly getting into the swing of things & Elena is exceptionally patient with me while I get us figured out.

Thanks to everyone for commenting & encouraging me...this week has definitely been challenging but all that natters is that my girl is thriving & everything just keeps getting better & better.

Due Date...

2011-03-09T18:06:00.000-05:00

Today was my due date...instead, I have a beautifully precious 5 day old who I am in awe of & amazed by! I haven't had the chance to compose her birth story yet. We have had a challenging couple of days...between my milk not coming in, Elena losing a whole pound & me not able to satisfy her, plus my blood pressure has been through the roof...it really has been challenging...but we're getting the hang of things now & my milk came in today...so it only gets better from here.

Thank you all so much for your well wishes & compliments on her beauty & her name...it's funny how I had so much trouble picking her name & it didn't even end up being any of the names on my original list!! But when I saw her, I just knew Elena was her name.

Thank you all again so much!!!

INTRODUCING...

2011-03-07T08:09:00.000-05:00

So many details to share...but lets just enjoy this moment for now...

Welcome to the world, My precious Angel...I don't know what I ever did to get this lucky that She would choose ME to be her Mama!!!

I am truly in awe that I did this, both made her & actually delivered her...vaginally, no less after many many hours of labour!! I will compose a full birth story soon but as you can imagine, this little one has all my attention for now.

Thanks to you all for your well wishes...we feel so loved!!

INDUCED!!!!

2011-03-02T11:59:00.000-05:00

That's right, folks...I have been induced! Still no Baby yet...we're still early stage now...but this show is on the road...let me start from the beginning...

I saw my OB Dr on Friday for another ultrasound & check...my fluid volume was low again but still in normal ranges but my blood pressure was up again...we stuck with our wait & see attitude since I had an appointment at my Midwife's scheduled for Monday...

Monday at my Midwife's...we did another Stretch & Sweep (which is some medieval form of torture, seriously!) & I was still only about 1 - 1.5 cm dilated...but my blood pressure was still up...now remember that my blood pressure up until now has been perfect...it was decided that I would return Wednesday to have another blood pressure check...

I arrived this morning at my Midwife's...everything looked good...except my blood pressure was still up...not only that but it was higher than it has been...140/100...we had thought to do another stretch & sweep but she wanted to check with my OB Dr 1st...so while I waited, she called & they decided I should head straight over to his office...good news was I didn't have to endure another stretch & sweep...then anyway.

Over at my OB Dr's office...he decided it was time...there was reasonable justification to transfer care & induce...I was a little scared but definitely ready...OB Dr explained that he was sending me directly down to Labour & Delivery with an order for induction...but first they would run blood work & urine samples plus a Non-Stress Test & based on those results they would decide what type of induction they would use.

Unfortunately, my OB Dr had, at this point, been on call for more than 30 hours so after seeing me was going off call...but he assured me that the new Dr was great & not to worry...so after making a few phone calls to my peeps, I headed up to L&D...NST came in perfect...blood work & urine came back normal...however my blood pressure was still up at 140/91...the new OB Dr was great & my OB Dr took the time to call her personally to fill her in on my condition so I am feeling pretty special & well taken care of...they did a stretch & sweep & decided to induce with Cervidil which then slowly releases over 24 hours & I was allowed to come home...

So here I am at home...waiting...I'm having contractions but they're not consistant or anything so I am going to head off to bed & try to get a good night's sleep since tomorrow is going to be a BIG day!!!

Oh & BTW...tomorrow was the day I was wishing & hoping would be my daughter's birthday since it will be 03~03~11...now it looks like it may very well be...I'm so excited!!

Blogoversary!!!

2011-02-24T10:56:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I forgot that yesterday was my Blogoversary!! It was 1 year ago yesterday that I wrote my oh so eloquent 1st Blogging Post!!

I decided to start a blog since I had always journaled so it felt natural to write about this journey, though it was...is...a little intimidating to open my heart & to express my thoughts for an audience...yet I now feel a part of an amazing community of women...women who inspire me, challenge me, women I can admire...strangers who have become friends even though I wouldn't know most of them if I passed them in the street...amazingly strong women who have endured so much with grace & dignity.

In honour of my Blogoversary I want to thank all of you...those who read my blog, whether you comment or not...and all of the women who also write blogs & put themselves out there & share themselves with all of us. I am grateful to be a part of this community.

Waiting...Waiting...Waiting...

2011-02-23T11:21:00.000-05:00

38 weeks today...I think my Girl is quite content on the inside though...

My Midwife made a home visit this morning. She likes to do this so when she comes during labour, it's not the first time she's trying to find the house. I'm planning to labour at home for the 1st part before heading to the hospital...

Anyway, everything is still good...it was a little weird to have an exam in my own bedroom but I've been told to let go of my modesty...my Girl is fine, heartrate about 150 bpm...head down at -3 so still a ways to go...we agreed to do a stretch & sweep...my cervix is central, which is good but still thick...she was able to do a stretch but she couldn't reach the membranes for a sweep...which was okay by me since the stretching part HURT!! Then I remembered that this was nothing compared to what was to come!! Now I am 1 cm dilated & had some bloody show. I felt a few contractions after this but everything has settled down again & now we'll just wait...

I've been off work for a week now...I'm a little bored...I've cleaned everything I can think of...organized all the baby stuff...learned how to use my carseat...packed my bags for the hospital...did my taxes...sent out all my thank you notes from my shower...etc...etc...etc...

And so I wait...always with the waiting...

37 Weeks...Full Term, Baby!!

2011-02-16T15:45:00.000-05:00

Wow...37 weeks already! In some ways it seems like it's been 37 years & in other ways it seems like it's been 37 minutes!!

This time last year I was gearing up for my HSG & was so nervous about it...it still doesn't seem real sometimes...I stop cold & say to myself, "Whoa, I'm going to have a baby...A BABY!" How did this happen, lol?!?!?

I had my OB consult yesterday...what a great Dr! Very dry but so thorough & I really like that he's a straight shooter & doesn't sugar coat anything...he said that he wasn't concerned at all with the size of Baby (which was the reason for the consult) but seeing that my amniotic fluids had been low did concern him..."But they went back to normal," I said..."Yes, but low normal." That I hadn't known...thank god for my recently found zen perspective from the psychiatrist or else info like that would have sent me in a tail spin!

Dr ordered another ultrasound to see if Baby was still growning & that fluid levels were steady etc...if she hadn't grown and/or the fluid levels were lower this could indicate a problem with the placenta & we would induce...thanks to my new zen perspective & my Girl moving around consistantly, I wasn't worried at all...I adopted a wait-and-see attitude...luckily I didn't have to wait long as they were able to book me for an ultrasound this morning & straight to the Dr afterward (conveniently, they're in the same building).

Everything is great...my Girl is still scoring 8/8 on the Biophysical Profile...fluid levels are holding steady & she's still growing (OMG!!) & she's now estimated at about 8 1/2 lbs! Dr was very pleased with this & said we'll wait & see if she decides to come on her own...but he's concerned that my blood pressure has been elevated...not high really but higher than the rest of the pregnancy...then he said the best thing I could ever hear: "You just need to rest & take it easy" meaning it would be advisable to stop working!! You don't have to tell me twice!!! Friday was going to be my last day anyway but I had some sick time left so as of 4:30 today, I am DONE!!!

And now we wait...I'm booked for another ultrasound Friday the 25th & to see him afterward & will see my midwife early next week...unless my Girl decides to make an appearance in the mean time...

When it Rains it Pours...

2011-02-13T10:52:00.000-05:00

I was showered yesterday...I am still so overwhelmed by the generousity shown towards my Daughter & I...My Brother & Sister-in-Law hosted a Baby Shower for me yesterday & I am touched by how many people came & how thoughtful they were with their gifts. My Girl will definitely be well dressed! I also received all the necessities for when Baby comes home...we're all set, at least I'm pretty sure we are. Now we wait...I can't wait to find out when my Daughter's birthday will be...I think I've come up with a name too...

Back in December, I mentioned here that I'd been referred to a psychiatrist to address my worries, fears & anxiety...I finally had my appointment on Friday & what an experience...I wish I had admitted sooner that I needed help because the Dr gave me a new perspective in which to look at my worries, fears & anxiety. He also reassured me that there's no reason to believe that all my fear, worry & anxiety has been detrimental to my Baby...he also debunked the information I'd heard in my prenatal classes that all this fear, worry & anxiety would increase my risk of postpartum depresssion...he said that I actually didn't fall into the high risk category by a long shot but even if I do experience PPD, by already having support in place will minimize the severity. He did specifically say, in his professional opinion, he did not believe I would develop post partum depression. I'm booked for a follow up appointment with him at the beginning of April...to either close out my file with him if all is well, or so that I'm reassured I have an appointment booked if I am feeling anxious, fear or worry....plus I can call in at anytime if I need help or support.

It took a lot for me to admit how deeply I was struggling with worry, fear & anxiety...I was afraid to admit vulnerability, I was afraid I'd be judged harshly...but I realize now, if I had admitted my need for help sooner, I could have received help sooner. I'm going to try to remember this in the future.

I also wanted to say a Happy Birthday to Jett & Congratulations to Gille on the birth of her precious son.

Lastly, I thought I would share a belly shot...yes, I'm HUGE & keep getting BIGGER, lol!!!

Just to keep things interesting...

2011-02-05T15:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening, I had my registration appointment at the hospital...it went well & I'm all signed up.

When I came out of the appointment, there was a message on my phone from my Midwife's office...I thought it'd just be a routine update about my ultrasound from Thursday...but she didn't leave any details like usual instead asking that I call her that evening or 1st thing this morning.

Well, I called back right away...turns out that although my Girl passed the Bio Physical Profile with flying colours scoring 8/8 my over all fluid level in all 4 quadrants was low...no need to be overly concerned since overall everything looks great & I wasn't leaking any fluid but as a precaution she asked that I meet her at the hospital today for a Non-Stress Test.

You can imagine me, being such a worry wart, & how much this news put me on edge...but I'm very proud of myself for keeping perspective & remaining calm...& for once Dr.Google actually put my mind at ease...for the most part.

My Girl passed the Non-Stress Test beautifully scoring 10/10 & showing excellent reactions...& what better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than listening to my Daughter's heartbeat for over 1/2 an hour! My blood pressure was up...but that's understandable considering I was worried.

I'll have to go for more ultrasounds (I think I can handle that) & probably more NST...& they'll probably have me deliver before 40 weeks...in the mean time, I can continue regular activity...I did ask if they were sure I should continue to work...but no dice there ;) I'll have to stick it out the next 2 weeks...

Ode to my Belly Button

2011-02-03T20:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, no, I am not going to subject you to a poem about my belly button but I am fascinated with it lately...you see, I have always had a very deep one...I'm talking DEEP...I could stick half my pinky finger into it...now, I can see then end of it...it hasn't actally popped, it's still an inny...but I can actually turn it inside out now...I'm thinking, in the next few weeks it will pop...& this fascinates me!!

In other news...I had an ultrasound this afternoon...at 35 weeks my Girl is now estimated at 7 lbs 10 oz...this doesn't freak me out as much when I found out she was 6 lbs. I am reassured that although she is a big baby, she is growing consistantly & developing well...her heart looks great, she has a strong heart rate, her lungs look well developed, we even got to watch her practice breathing!!

Now I am counting down the days...1st, 2 more weeks of work! Just 10 more work days!! It could not come soon enough...this getting up at 5am is just not fun anymore!! 2nd, 5 more weeks until my due date...as intimidating as the thought of delivering a 9+ lb baby is, I really hope she holds out until at least the week of March 7th so that I can have a few weeks off work before she arrives.

I am ready for her though...I cleaned, organized & put away all her clothes this past weekend, her cradle is in my room now, I've set up the cloth diaper service...I'd just really like some rest & relaxation before she arrives...

Good Results

2011-01-24T18:51:00.000-05:00

First of all...thanks everyone for your name advice...a few of you mentioned that once I see my daughter, one name will just be her name...& I agree...I'm just going to keep my ear out for new suggestions & I'll just know...but boy am I glad I don't have to pick TWO middle names, lol!! Her middle name is actually already set, always has been...My Mom & I both have the same middle name so it was easy to know that my daughter would share this tradition...it does help too since some names just don't flow with the middle name so I can cross them off the list right away...anyway, we'll just have to wait & see what her name turns out to be...

I had an appointment with my Midwife today...I went for my 2nd Glucose Tolerance Test last Thursday & they had the results...great news! I am still NOT Gestationally Diabetic (lol, is that a word?)...& the glucose in my urine has lowered...my results with this test are actually better than with the 1st test! I have been very careful about what I'm eating & it's obviously paying off...plus I've actually lost a couple of pounds...don't worry, nothing to worry about, it's just that I'm eating better...plus it wasn't like I didn't have a few pounds to spare!!

I do have to meet with an OB...because My Girl is weighing in at 6 lbs 2 oz already puts her above the 90th percentile, which here in Canada, results in an OB consult...but it's pretty much just to provide me with information & prepare me for different scenarios that could result from a large baby birth...& who doesn't want more information...it won't be new info that my midwives haven't already covered, just a different perspective & that's okay with me...I was afraid that they'd have to transfer care...it's not like I have anything against OBs, it's just that I fear that they jump to medical intervention too quickly & I'd be told that since she's big they'll jump to induction or c-section...my midwife reassured me that wasn't the case & we both agreed on who to refer too, he comes highly recommended & he's definitely not one to push medical intervention unnecessarily...the other thing I worried about with the consult is that it would have to go through my family Dr. I love my family Dr but he's not an OB & any referral from him would move me to another hospital in my city & I DO NOT want to be at that other hospital...but that's not a worry & I can stick with the hospital I know & already love...& still go for the luxury suite...which, BTW, my brother has offered to pay for if I do get one...he is so generous!!

Speaking of my brother...I had an eye opener about just how excited he is about my having a baby...he's a bit of a big-wig-muckity-muck at the company he works for...he was asked to speak at a conference in Florida, all expenses paid...but the conference is at the beginning of March & he doesn't want to be away when my daughter is born! I really am touched!

I guess that's it for now...if anyone has any more name advice or suggestions, keep 'em coming!!

What's in a Name?

2011-01-23T12:31:00.000-05:00

So much!! Especially when you have no idea what or how to name your daughter! I posted here that I had a short list of names choosen but now I'm not sure any of them seem right...back then I was sure that one of the 5 names would be my daughter's...now I'm not so sure...I've thought of new names...I've revisited old names I'd already discarded...I just have no idea!

Why can't babies come out with their name stamped on the bottom of their foot? Remember Cabbage Patch Kids? They would come with their birth certificate & they had their name...oh sure, you could change it if you wanted but at least you had a starting point!!

I know I should be glad if this is my only worry right now (if only it were my only worry!) but it is forefront...with every day & week that passes by I get a little more stressed that I'll never be able to pick a name...part of me feels that The Perfect Name is out there & it will miraculously come to me & I'll just know, "that's The One". I'm hoping that when I see her for the 1st time a name will just fit & seem right.

For now, I am open to suggestions...so hit me Ladies!! Does anyone have any advice on how to choose a name? Or even just name suggestions?

SIX POUNDS 2 OUNCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-01-13T20:01:00.000-05:00

At 32 weeks that's how much my daughter is weighing!!! SIX POUNDS 2 OUNCES!! With 8 more weeks to go & an estimated 1/2 pound weight gain per week...if I make it full term She'll be TEN POUNDS!!!! I know babies that were born full term weighing 6 lbs!!

Okay, so I'm freaking out a little, lol! The good (& reassuring) news is that she is developed well, good strong looking heart, really good amniotic fluid levels, cord blood flow looks really good, placenta is still up front & she's head down...all very reassuring & positive.

I'm going for the Glucose Tolerance test again...even though my blood tests from the last one came back perfectly normal, my last 2 urine tests had high levels of glucose...once could have been a fluke...two is enough reason to double check it again...I'm not really sure if gestational diabetes can develop within 4 weeks after a normal test result but I don't want to take any chances & since my Girl is measuring big, I would rather be safe & check than sorry...I've been really careful with my eating & trying to really limit my sugars...I only gained 2 pounds between my last appointment this one & that was over Christmas so I'm pretty proud of myself.

All of this has made me realize that I need to get my butt in gear & get organized as I could very well have way less than 55 days until Show Time!!

60 Days Left

2011-01-08T15:34:00.000-05:00

Are you kidding me? There's just 60 days left until my due date!! That doesn't seem possible! I've finally entered the "enjoying pregnancy" phase & it's going to be over in 60 days? To be honest though I can't wait for my Girl to be here...having all this baby stuff around, I can't wait for there to be a baby to use it all.

I went for my hospital tour on Wednesday...I'm feeling really good about delivering there...their policies meet all of the things that are important to me...they encourage skin-to-skin right away & will assist me to breastfeed within the 1st hour...in the event of a c-section, they don't whisk my girl away but instead keep her close by me until I'm stitched up & able to do skin-to-skin & feed...they won't bathe my girl right away & they won't do it without me present...they have 24 hour rooming in so once my daughter is born, she won't be separated from me for any reason...even if she needs tests, it is my right to go along & be present...the only reason we'd be separated is if she needs to go to the NICU but I don't want to think about that...

What I didn't know before Wednesday was that they have these two suites there that are total luxury...they're not birthing rooms, they're for your stay after & they're 1st come 1st serve...they're pretty pricey if you get one, $150 a night, but all of that money goes to the hospital's children's charity...worth it to me, I'm definitely putting my name on the list! However, if I have a regular birth & everything is ok with my girl, I won't be in the hospital long anyway since with my Midwife they can send me home pretty quick...but I'll sign up anyway...just in case.

I am preparing myself for a c-section...something in me just feels like this is the way it'll go...everyone keeps telling me that since my girl is big, I won't be able to deliver vaginally...but I'm a bigger girl with wide hips so who knows...either way, my goal is a healthy daughter, however she needs to come out is fine by me...& if I end up with a c-section, then having the luxury suite would be sweet!

My focus right now is getting everything organized around my house...I have 6 more weeks of work & I can not wait to be done!! I had to take a few sick days this week...having a cold & being pregnant is NOT fun...it wasn't even a bad cold, but I wouldn't take anything & just suffered through...then the constipation set in & having been a long sufferer of IBS & always being very regular, this was a new experience...I don't ever remember being so glad to poop as I was yesterday!!! The point of all this TMI was that my boss, my big boss, the head guy, made a point of telling me to take any time I needed in these last weeks...I think he could tell how uncomfortable I was but since I work in finance & this time of year is SUPER busy for us, I was reluctant to be off...but he said not to worry & also gave me permission to work from home if I needed...I really appreciate that, having that understanding is so reassuring.

Well this is one of my most rambling posts...

2010 In Review

2010-12-31T14:43:00.000-05:00

As I sit here in my office at work...all alone since I am the ONLY person in the building today (it's a little creepy!)...I'm lacking the motivation to actually work & my mind keeps wondering back over this past year....

From the start, 2010 was already a big year for me as my birthday would fall on 10.10.2010...I'd been thinking about this fact for the last couple of years & wanted to do something special...as it turned out, I decided to become a Mother.

What I remember feeling a year ago, having made this momentous decision, was...terror! Okay, that's a bit over-dramatic...but I was scared...at that point, I had never heard the term "Choice Mom", I didn't know that IUI & IVF were two totally different things, I had no idea what Clomid was or that my menstrual cycle consisted of more than just Day 14-Ovulation & Day 28-Period or even that my period marked the BEGINNING of my cycle, not the end! I didn't know just how much I didn't know!

I remember that by around January 7th or 8th, I still hadn't made a call to any Fertility Clinics...by this point I had scoped out a few clinics in my area...I had learned that I needed IUI with Donor Sperm or TDI......I had started looking at Donor Banks...all I thought about was TTC (though didn't know about that acronym yet)...& I realized I was scared...scared to take that next step...scared of the unknown...

I realize now that fear has been my most predominant emotion in 2010...that makes me sad to admit. I've experienced a vast array of emotions this year...in any given year, for that matter...but as I reflect on 2010, fear has threaded itself through every experience I've had this year...in so many ways, so many times this year, I have been gripped with fear, overcome with fear, brought to my knees by fear.

This year is also the 1st in my life that I have been told, numerous times, how courageous I am...interesting, don't you think? The year that I am most fearful, the year that I am fear's bitch, is also the year I find my courage...that's what courage is though, isn't it? Doing something despite your fear? That makes me a whole lot less sad...dare I say even a little proud? Makes the fear worth it, I think.

I wonder what emotion will dominate 2011...for 2011 is sure to be filled with many many emotions...but which will stand out most?

1 More Sleep!!!

2010-12-24T11:04:00.000-05:00

As I sit here in my jammie-jams, enjoying the fact that I got to sleep in & thinking about Christmas...I can't help but be awed at how different this Christmas is from the so many Christmas' before...

For many many years now, Christmas has been bittersweet for me...Christmas has always been my favourite time of year...I just love the lights & colours, the music & cheer, getting together with family & friends...but for the last however many years Christmas has had an undertone of sadness & loneliness for me. Every Christmas that came & went was another reminder of what I felt were my failures...another year that I hadn't met my Prince Charming, another year past without starting a family of my own, the realization I may never be a Mother...that's the one that hurt the most. I mean, I can wait forever for my Mr. Right, there's no time limit on love...but my window to becoming a Mother (biologically speaking) was beginning to close.

I wanted to know what it was like to be pregnant...I wanted to know how it felt to have a baby move inside me...I wanted to experience labour & delivery...I wanted to experience breastfeeding...I wanted a beautiful little person to depend on me & call me Mama...& every Christmas that passed reminded me that I didn't have any of that & maybe never would.

It was last Christmas Eve that I told my Brother & Sister-in-law of my plans to be a Choice Mom...their support & encouragement were overwhelming & they, along with the rest of my family, have stood by me through it all this year.

Now, here I am, Christmas Eve & feeling my Daughter kick & flip inside me & it seems so surreal...if this is a dream, please don't wake me.

ICLW December

2010-12-21T13:49:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a few months since I participated in ICLW...I use the excuses that I've been too busy/tired...yes, okay a little lazy...but since I have most of this coming week off work...& a brand new laptop...I'm geared up & ready to comment!!

I've only been blogging for a short time...but the benefits I have reaped from this amazing online community are priceless. I don't know that I would have gotten through the dark time of my miscarriage without the support & kind words from readers. Equally, the heart-felt congratulations & words of encouragement when I found out I was pregnant again have meant just as much to me...it's been as much a joyous time (like hearing the heartbeat for the 1st time) as it has been a time filled with worry, fear & anxiety...

So thank you to all for stopping by & for all your comments, advice, encouragement & blog love!

I've Been Spoiled!!!

2010-12-19T21:08:00.000-05:00

What a weekend! Christmas started this weekend for me...

Since my one aunt is going away for Christmas, she, myself & my brother's family got together Saturday to celebrate & exchange gifts...for this Christmas I asked that instead of gifts for me, if everyone could buy baby stuff since every little bit helps...well they decided that since this would be my last Christmas on my own that they would spoil ME with gifts just for me, not my daughter...and spoil me they did! They bought me a new laptop!!!! Way more than I deserve or expected...when I ripped off the wrapping, I started bawling!! Then, as if that wasn't generous enough, the also bought me a new flat screen TV!!!

Both of these gifts are items I needed...my current computer is a dinosaur & after turning it on, I have to wait 45 mins to an hour for it to load up for use...then it can take 10-20 mins to load webpages...& it freezes all the time...my TV is a hand-me-down to begin with & works just fine but is the big old tube kind & most channels don't fit properly on the screen...but as much as I need a new computer & TV, there was no way I would have spent the money replacing them...my Daughter comes first & I would get her what she needs before these luxuries for me...& my family knew that...

I am just so overwhelmed by their generosity & thoughtfulness...my Daughter & I are just so lucky to have family that loves us so much & supports us so well...

Then, today I got together with one of my best friends, who lives out of town, for our Christmas...she conned me into going to Sears with some excuse or other but once we were there, she pointed out that all the baby stuff was on sale & proceeded to choose all kinds of stuff for my girl...she stocked me up with a ton of sleepers, receiving blankets, a tub seat, a thermometer, toys...a bunch of stuff I'm gonna need in the 1st weeks after my Girl arrives.

So again I am humbled & overwhelmed by the people in my life & their generosity...just overcome with emotion & gratitude...

Update: Test Results are in...

2010-12-17T13:57:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how quickly my blood tests from Tuesday came back!!

Everything looks good...my Hemoglobin is on the low end of normal at 117 but since my White Blood Cell count is slightly elevated, this may be attibuted to a cold I may be fighting...I feel fine & didn't think I had a cold but I guess that means I'm fighting it well :)

More importantly my Glucose Tolerance was perfect...my fasting glucose level was normal & it was normal at 1 hour & 2 hours...yeah!!

One less thing to worry about...

It's For Sure...

2010-12-16T13:16:00.000-05:00

She's a Girl!!!

I've had a busy baby week...Tuesday I went in for my Glucose Tolerance Test...it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be...the fasting was difficult since if I don't eat as soon as I wake up, I get very nauseous & throw up, so that wasn't fun...but at least the solution I had to drink wasn't what I thought...I imagined it would be thick & milky...which would have made me gag & I'd probably throw up again...but it was more like orange pop & it was cold so I was able to drink it no problem...then I had to wait 2 hours, having my blood taken every hour...my Aunt brought me to the lab & waited with me as I wasn't sure how I'd feel & boy, was I glad she was there as having her to chat with made the time fly!! Fingers crossed everything comes back normal...

Then yesterday, I had my long-awaited ultrasound...I really, really needed to see my girl again & be reassured she was growing & developing well...& if she was still a girl, lol! If you'll recall from my 19 week scan, they made an educated guess that she was a girl, but couldn't say for 100% sure...well there's no doubt, she's a girl...the tech was able get a good shot of her privates & zoomed right in on the labia for me. She also took the time show me all her other parts too...spine, ribs, skull, brains, fingers, toes & a really great shot of her heart & valves...it was great! She's also still big for her stage...she's been measuring big all along & she's estimated to be about 3 lbs 2 oz...My mom thinks the tech said 3 lbs 6 oz, but I'd rather think she's not THAT big, lol! I hope she turns out tall & skinny instead of tall & chubby like me...

& without further ado, here she is...it's not the best scan as she's all curled up in a ball with her hands & feet up by her face...she was a Move-y McMoverson through the whole measuring phase of the scan but as soon as Mama wants her to smile for the camera, she clams right up...

Lastly, I couldn't close without mentioning that that this week marks 28 weeks! Such a milestone & with every week that passes, I can breath a little easier.

What I've learned...

2010-12-10T20:09:00.000-05:00

Today holds a special memory in my heart...today was my due date with my first pregnancy. With this date coming up, I have been doing a lot of thinking & looking back & wondering. I wasn't sure how I would feel or if I would even remember...but as December approached & then the 10th got closer, it's been on my mind...I am sad thinking of & missing my little Tadpole, my baby that wasn't meant to be...but that makes me feel guilt...especially when I feel my sweet Girl kicking & moving around.

Miscarrying ranks up there in my top 5 worst life experiences...that goes without saying...there was a point that I didn't think I'd survive, physically or emotionally...that's when my mind turned to moving forward. I remember feeling that I MUST move on...I MUST NOT dwell...so that's what I did, I moved on, I didn't dwell & I tried again right away, as soon as my body would allow me to...my body was physically ready but I wonder now if I was emotionally ready...I wonder if I gave myself enough time to heal mentally & come to terms with my loss.

I wonder this because as joyous as my current pregnancy has been, there has been a constant undercurrent of fear, worry & anxiety. Fear of losing this baby too, fear of getting too attached 'just in case', fear of so much...& worry, worry I'm doing something wrong, worrying something is wrong, worrying I'm worrying too much...or not enough...& pretty constant anxiety, mostly irrational anxiety, like when I'm in the baby section of a store, am I tempting fate? anxiety over buying my stroller that if I do, it will cause me to miscarry again, anxiety to even 'name' her...with my 1st pregnancy, I affectionately called the baby my Tadpole...I haven't called this baby anything other than Baby or my Girl for fear of jinxing her. Heaped on top of all this fear, worry & anxiety is guilt...

For the most part I kept this all inside...partly because when I tried to talk about it, I was told I was being silly...mostly because I was even afraid if I admitted how scared, worried & anxious I was that it would cause things to go wrong.

It was during my prenatal classes that I learned that all of this fear, worry & anxiety wasn't silly...more importantly, I learned that this amount of anxiety can lead to worsened postpartum depression...so last month, at my Midwife appointment, I admitted my fears, worries & anxiety...She didn't tell me I was being silly, she didn't dismiss me...she took the time to listen & provide information to help put my mind at ease...she validated my feelings & made me feel less crazy & more supported...she decided & I agreed to a referral to the Women's Health Concerns Clinic at my hospital...this is a community psychiatry practice that focuses on women's mental health. I'm amazed at what a difference just knowing that help is in place has made for me.

It was through all of this too, that I learned that I can miss my Tadpole & be sad for that loss without lessening my love for my Girl...being joyful & excited with this pregnancy doesn't diminish my feelings for my first nor does it mean I've forgotten.

So today, I remember my Tadpole...my angel baby.

Love to Paige...

2010-12-05T17:47:00.000-05:00

Please head over to The Turning of Paige...she needs our love & support right now.

We are all shocked and saddened by her loss. I just want to scream WHY?!!?

Paige, my thoughts & prayers are with you now & in the days & weeks to come.

101 Days Left...

2010-11-28T16:35:00.001-05:00

...and I think I'm ready...almost...I think...I have all the necessities anyway!

It seems Canada has jumped on the Black Friday Bandwagon...the stores here were having huge 3 day sales...& I bought a Stroller Travel System!!

I also bought the Infant-to-Toddler Rocker I really wanted. I bought a similar one for my Sister-in-Law when she had my 1st nephew & she got so much use out of it...

& I've also bought my Diaper Bag. I really wanted to get a nice bag since I had no intention of carrying it plus a purse. I searched high & low, far & wide & finally found one I loved:

The picture doesn't do it justice...It's made by Ju Ju Be & it has some bling & some sparkle plus it's versatile & practical.

Now that I'm broke, I have to shift my shopping to Christmas presents...at least I don't have too many people to buy for.

********************

Lo & Behold...another blog award! And such a cute one!!

Thank you so much to Gille, who awarded it to me...here are the rules:

Link back to the person who gave it to you (check)

Pass it on to five other blogs

Leave them a comment telling them about the award...so I am awarding this oh-so-cute award to:

Choice Mom
Exploring my Options for Motherhood
Fervently Wishing
The Baby Chase Project
Baby Time Bomb

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American blog friends!!

Loss

2010-11-24T16:29:00.000-05:00

Please stop by Stork Stalking & offer Jay your love & support as she goes through this most recent heartbreaking loss.

Positive Baby Planning Progress

2010-11-17T09:08:00.000-05:00

After the relief of knowing my daughter was doing just fine on Thursday, I realized I had to get my butt in gear & get some planning done...as of today, I am 24 weeks & think the next 16 weeks will probably fly by with Christmas & all...

I admit I have been hesitant to look too far ahead but I have reached a turning point & though I'll continue to worry, reaching 24 weeks & knowing that my daughter's chance of survival (if the worst happens) increases with each passing day does allow me to be a lot less anxious.

So I've made great strides in the Baby Planning process in the last few days...On Saturday I went & registered at Babies.R.Us...that was great fun but as someone had mentioned before, it was VERY tiring!! It had been suggested to me to register at Sears as well but aside from the free swag, I don't see the point. Besides, if someone wants to get me something off the registry but finds it cheaper elsewhere, by all means, get the cheaper price!!

My Mom came with me & she was funny...she complained that I wouldn't pick any of the stuff she thought I should...she also revealed that she'd been busy buying all kinds of stuff behind my back!! Sneaky Mommy!

On Monday, I made my Hospital Tour & Registration appointments...The Scheduler was a hoot! And it was a good thing I called when I did! She initially tried to book my registration for the end of February! I reminded her that I was due March 9th...she was able to squeeze me in for February 4th & booked my Hospital Tour for January 5th...a bit backwards but she said that was fine!

I've also narrowed my humongous list of names down to a short list of 5:

Hannah
Aislin
Grace
Julia
Layla

This may change, of course, but I am leaning toward 1 name in particular but I'm keeping that mostly to myself...for now...

I've saved the best news until last!! At my Midwife appointment she confirmed Baby's movement & kicking & we discussed that I may already be feeling some but am just not aware...So on Sunday afternoon, I was lounging quietly on the couch & started to feel what I had always discounted as gas...I laid very still with my hand on my belly over the place I was feeling it...and sure enough I felt a BOMP against my hand & then another BOMP!! Now gas definitely doesn't BOMP into your hand!!! What an amazing feeling!! I wanted to jump up & run upstarirs to tell my Mom but I also didn't want to move! So I laid there & felt it a few more times before she must have shifted & I couldn't feel anything anymore. It was so great though!

That's it for me! Take care everyone!

Warning: Pregnancy Update

2010-11-11T13:39:00.000-05:00

I say this because many of the women I'm following are having some difficult times right now & want to give anyone not up for a pregnancy post the chance to click off...

Deep Breath....and Big Sigh...of relief that is...

I had worked myself up into quite the worrying mess lately & was so afraid something had gone wrong with my daughter...everything I read lately, from Baby Centre to What to Expect, all were saying I should be feeling Baby by now...but I wasn't...well, maybe not "wasn't" but I couldn't be sure...on top of this, hormones have been getting the best of me & I have cried more in the last 2 weeks than I had in the last 4 years!! Between the heartbreak of some of the women who's blogs I read, my own worry plus a touching encounter with a Veteren while buying my poppy, I thought I might dehydrate with all these tears!!

Today I had my Midwife appointment though & she put my mind at ease...hearing my daughter's heartbeat & her kicking away...like I said: Big Sigh of Relief! My Midwife reminded me that since I have an anterior placenta, I won't feel Baby distinctly as soon...but there were clear kicks & movement detected by the doppler which proved that I just wasn't feeling her. Now I just have to wait 5 weeks & I get to see Baby again, I have an U/S booked for Dec 15th...unfortunately I also have to endure the Glucose Tolerance test that week too...

Lastly I wanted to extend my congratulations to: Hopeful, Jay, & S...their BFPs were another reason I was brought to tears recently :)

Half Way There, Baby!!!

2010-10-20T13:08:00.001-04:00

20 weeks today!!

Wow, I can't believe we're half way there! What a ride so far...things are going along fine...no cause for concern or worry...but that hasn't stopped me from being concerned or worried, lol!

I really can't wait until I can feel my Girl move on a regular consistant basis...I feel a nudge or a twinge every so often throughout the day but am never 100% sure it's Baby. Then, when I don't feel anything for a while, I get worried.

I went to my 1st Prenatal Class last night...hopefully it gets better because last night was pretty dry. The one thing that struck me was this list the nurse put up on the Top 10 Worries Expectant Mothers have...I was surprised that my worries didn't appear on the list (except for maybe 2 or 3) & there was a bunch of other things I'd never thought to worry about! Then I started to worry that I wasn't worrying enough...or that I was worrying about the wrong things...I know I have become a worrying mess since getting my BFP but this threw me to a whole new level. Then I stepped off that crazy train & remembered that I think I'm managing my worry pretty well...I've stopped Googling stuff since you most often find the worst case scenarios...I talk it out with those close to me so I can identify when I'm being irrational (which is most of the time) plus, their reassurance is comforting...I'm not afraid to discuss even my silliest worries with my Midwife so she can reassure me from a medical & professional point of view...but it's constantly there, like white noise, this worrying in the back of my mind...I'm not stressed out or anxious or anything...I just...worry.

Amusingly, they played a video last night & I thought, "Here we go, here comes the scary birthing video." Yet this video was all sunshine & rainbows & oh, look Baby just slid right out...I mean, Come ON!!! I've read enough Birth Stories & seen enough The Baby Story on TLC to know that the video they showed was not an accurate portrayal of what to expect!! I felt like telling the nurse, "Come on, Sister! Give it to me straight! No more of this fluff!!" Maybe they're just easing us into it...

Anyway, even though I have that Worry White Noise I am still enjoying being pregnant...okay, enjoy maybe isn't the exact right word...but it's still a worthwhile means to an end...& it is all still very facinating what our bodies do!!

Lastly...just a quick shout out to all you ladies in or just entering your 2ww (Rachel, Hopeful, Single Mom 2B, Jay, Baby Chase Project & S)...I'm hoping for BFP for all of you & sending positive baby thoughts your way!!

The Big Reveal!!

2010-10-15T09:21:00.000-04:00

Okay, patient blog friends...here comes my big reveal!!

I'm a little hesitant though, as my wonderful U/S tech said she couldn't give a 100% answer to the gender question...so there is still a chance it could go the other way...knowing that I wanted to know, she kept her eyes peeled during the entire 45 minute appointment...the area was obscured by the umbilical cord a lot of the time...she was able to get a few glimpses & combined those with her technical & scientific markers & made her best educated guess. So even though she couldn't give me a 100% sure answer, she wouldn't have given me any answer if she wasn't somewhat confident...so...

I'm going to have a...DAUGHTER!!! Probably, lol!!!

That brings me to another realization this whole U/S brought on for me...all this time, I had been thinking in terms of Baby & Boy or Girl...but I am going to have a Daughter! A Daughter! OMG, a DAUGHTER!!! (Or a Son, but you get my drift...) It just seems so surreal to me! STILL!!

It's an odd feeling for a dream of mine to come true...I'm not being pessimistic or negative...I mean, my life hasn't always worked out the way I wanted, but it's always worked out & I am happy with the turn out (especially now!)...but for the most part, the things I've really really desperately wanted haven't worked out...I've dealt with a lot of disappointment...but this one dream, my dream of motherhood...the one dream I want more than anything I have ever before wanted or I believe I'll ever want...it's the dream that's coming true.

I'm having a Daughter!

P.S. I had boy's names picked out...girl's names? not so much...I'm so jealous of those of you who know what you're going to name your children!!!

Sex Party!!

2010-10-13T08:05:00.000-04:00

Well, I was all excited when I got home last night to post that I was having a...

...a...then it dawned on me...there are those in my close network of friends & family that weren't at the party..so they don't know yet...do I want them to find out that I'm having a...{insert gender here}...by reading it on my blog?

So, dear blog friends, I have to hold off just a few more days before I let the cat out of the bag...but I couldn't resist a little teaser :)!!

10.10.10 - 10:10am

2010-10-10T10:10:00.001-04:00

Today is October 10, 2010 - 10-10-10...my 36th birthday...and I have 150 days until my due date...I learned something significant about turning 36 that I just loved & had to share...I read Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens & she did this post back at her birthday about turning 36...it really spoke to me then & even more so now...this is a special, once in a lifetime thing to have a birthday fall on such a significantly numbered day then add to that that I am turning the significant age of 36 - my double life...and add to that, on my 36th birthday, my double life birthday I am actually carrying new life inside me. Somthing I had started to give up hope on last birthday...

It was last year's birthday that I first started considering becoming a SMC...if you had told me, "Tara, you'll be pregnant this time next year." I'd have told you that you were cracked!! Now look at me! 18 weeks, 4 days pregnant & 150ish days until I meet my child!!

This birthday could not have turned out more special!

My Brother is throwing me a Sex Party!!!

2010-10-06T13:26:00.000-04:00

Those are words I never thought I would say!!! True though...my nephew called me the other night, he had some stuff he needed to ask me, he is 7 & so adorable! Anyway, when we were finished talking he said Daddy wanted to ask me something...Turns out that my brother is extremely anxious to find out the gender of my Precious One! His enthusiasm brings tears to my eyes! For him to be this excited really means a lot to me...anyway, he knew I was finding out Baby's gender on Oct 12th & didn't want to wait until the following Sunday (the 1st potentially possible time for my family to get together) so he's decided to have everyone over to their place on Tuesday so we can have a big reveal! Luckily everyone in my family is available although his stance on that was if they couldn't come TFB!!

That means I am back to Plan A about finding out...my friend (who will also be in the delivery room with me) is coming to my appointment & my tech will divulge the juicy details to her & they will seal it in an envelope for me to take to the party & I will find out right along with my family!! I'm very excited!

I needed that excitement right now...my mind has been such a jumble lately. I have tried composing posts but haven't been able to organize my thoughts...but I will try.

I am 18 weeks today! I can't believe it! It was exactly 10 weeks ago today that I saw my Precious Baby & watched the heart beat away for the 1st time...only 10 weeks ago! It feels like a life time!

I have moments where fear absolutely grips me. What if something has gone wrong? I don't let myself dwell there long though since there is no rational or logical reason to warrant such worry.

Logically & rationally I remind myself that I'm experiencing (sometimes pretty intensely) round ligament pain & that wouldn't happen if Baby & uterus weren't growing...for the most part I'm keeping it together & not totally freaking out with worry or fear.

The thing is, from the beginning, none of this has seemed real...I've felt like I'm going through the motions & experiencing it all but am waiting to wake up & realize it's all been a dream...it's all very surreal to me & I have moments where I think, "Whoa, wait...I'm Pregnant? Really?"

A few weekends ago, I visited my friend for the weekend as she is moving & has all kinds of kids stuff to pass down to me. The one thing she is lending me is very special...Her grandfather made, with his own 2 hands, a wooden cradle...a true family heirloom...and she has allowed me to borrow it for my Baby...I am so touched & honoured. She has been like a sister to me, I was her maid or honour...& now to have this honour...

And this cradle...wow! I mean it is BEAUTIFUL! It is a big wooden one...I mentioned my love of Little House on the Prairie...well this cradle looks exactly like the cradle Charles made in one episode...I think the one where they had their son but who died & Laura blamed herself...anyway, I'm sure you can picture this cradle, it's amazing.

My Mom helped me get it inside & since I wasn't prepared to move it into my bedroom just yet, I put it in my living room, out of the way. Well later that day I was drawn to it & walked over & stood over it & it all hit me like a bucket of ice water...I'm. Having. A. Baby. This cradle is going to hold my Precious One during their 1st months of life. For the 1st time it really felt real! The mixture of feelings...joy, awe, relief, fear, joy...I was so grateful to really be feeling something, and so strongly!

Now I have less than a week to wait before I see my Baby again & hear that precious heartbeat...I can make it, I know I can :)

The Versatile Blogger Award

2010-10-02T17:26:00.000-04:00

To be nominated is nice...

So much more to be twice!

Thank you to Shannon & S for this award although coming up with 7 interesting things about myself will be tough...but it doesn't say they have to be interesting, lol!

So here are The Rules:

•thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award

•share seven things about yourself

•pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous

•contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

Now here goes with my 7 things...

1) I am completely & irrationally terrified of anything that flies (birds & bugs, I mean)! Though anything that flies terrifies me, bees, hornets & wasps cause me the most anxiety.

2) I've been known to be a bit of a dare devil...I have been skydiving twice, handgliding twice, I took a flying lesson once...so even though I'm afraid of things that fly I'm not afraid to fly!!

3) I learned to ride a motorcycle before I learned to drive a car & received motorcycle for my sixteenth birthday...I never followed through with getting my motorcycle license though.

4) I hate, hate, hate to do the dishes I wish I had a dishwasher! However I love to do the laundry!

5) I'm only at #5?!? Let's see...I enjoy travelling but have not been to nearly as many places I dream about going...my favourites of the places I've been are Prague, Lucerne, Nice & Barbados.

6) I love to read...sometimes I have 2 or more novels on the go at one time...I couldn't choose any one author or genre as a favourite as that all depends on my mood at any given time.

7) One of my all time favourite TV shows is Little House on the Prairie...watching this show with my mom & brother are some of my favourite childhood memories & I use to imagine Charles Ingalls was my Pa.

There we have it...now as for my nominations...most of who I follow have been nominated already so I'll just have to double up...

Baby Time Bomb

Chasing Mommyhood

Choice Mom

Exploring My Options for Motherhood

MissConceived

Stork Stalking

This May be a Dream Come True

Have fun y'all!

How Very Practical!

2010-09-22T14:38:00.000-04:00

My Useless Knowledge gadget strikes again!

Not sure how I feel about this one...part of me thinks, "How neat!" & the other part thinks, "That's just not fair!"

16 Weeks...Really!?!?!?

2010-09-21T10:05:00.000-04:00

Not much going on for me...just, you know, baking a baby!

I'll be 16 weeks tomorrow & I've found the last couple of weeks very...unnerving. Basically because I don't feel anything...not in a bad way, it's totally natural (so I am constantly reminded)...it's just that phase in pregnancy where nausea & sick feelings are gone...I'm still tired but not that all consuming exhaustion of the early weeks...my appetite has abated & feels more normal...but it's still too soon to feel Baby moving...so I'm feeling...nothing. (I mean this physically, we'll get to the emotional stuff in a minute...)

I thought I felt Baby move on Saturday morning...I was poking around my belly & then all of a sudden felt, like, a...blip. I thought, "what was that?" Then it happened again...but since then, nothing. Since it is so early, plus my whole placenta placement thing...I'm pretty sure it was just gas & wishful thinking...

As for emotional feelings...I'm a mess...I've always been a sensitive person & my feelings can get hurt pretty easily but I never felt I was an overly emotional person...I mean, if you hurt my feelings, I wouldn't burst into tears & run sobbing from the room...I'd deal. Now, I can break down sobbing for the least little thing! It doesn't even have to happen to me...a girl at work has been going through a tough time & in the past, I'd feel bad & what not but now? I'm balling at the injustice she has to endure!!! And watching the news? Forget it! I can't even catch the highlight commercials without getting upset at some event or other!! Even things that aren't even sad make me cry!! If someone compliments me or even just thanks me, I'm stuggling to keep my composure! It really is pretty funny after the fact when I think about how I reacted to certain things but in the moment, it's pretty embarrassing!

Anyway, thanks to everyone for their advice & encouragement about registering...I have decided to go for it...why not, right? I am going to wait until after I find out Baby's gender though...

Which brings me to a little disappointment...originally my U/S was scheduled for October 7th...which would have been perfect since that was just before my birthday & Thanksgiving (in Canada;) so I'd be able to share the news when my family was gathered together...I had it all planned out. My friend would go with me to the U/S & my tech tell her the gender. She would then write it down & seal it in an envelope...then at Thanksgiving Dinner (which falls on my birthday this year) I would open the envelope & find out right along with my whole family!

What's that phrase, "the best laid plans" or something...don't I get a call from my clinic that my usual tech won't be in on the 7th afterall & the replacement is not qualified or some such...doesn't really matter since I'd rather go in when my usual tech is there anyway since she's been with me from the beginning & she is A-MAZ-ING...I love her to death!

Long story short (too late!) my U/S has been rescheduled until October 12th...which is fine (except for having to WAIT!!) but now I want to find out the gender on the 12th because who knows when I'll be able to gather my family together again for a big reveal!! I also don't want to just tell my family individually by text or phone call...I'll have to think of something...I was thinking of stealing an idea from Gille & bake cupcakes then fill the middle with either pink or blue icing & have everyone bite in at the same time to find out...who knows...

What a Beautiful Noise

2010-09-08T13:30:00.000-04:00

I left my Midwife's office yesterday with one of those goofy grins you just can't wipe off your face...I walked to my car but it felt more like I floated there on a cloud...I was just so full of joy at having heard my precious little Baby's heartbeat for the 1st time...I started my car, switched on my iPod & what song comes on? What a Beautiful Noise by Neil Diamond (yes I have Neil Diamond on my iPod, don't mock!)

Needless to say, I had a fantastic appointment...I am feeling so good about choosing to go with a midwife...She had the results from last week's U/S & everything looks great! My blood work looked great...My placenta is growing in front which she said is fine but just means I may not feel Baby kicking & moving as soon as some due to the buffer & she also warned me that it may prevent us from hearing Baby on the doppler but my little one was front & centre showing off for Mommy with his/her strong heartbeat! She even showed me how to feel for my uterus which is kinda neat.

I'm debating about registering for Baby...my brother & sis-in-law asked if I was & before that I hadn't even considered it...sure it would be fun to do but I think it's be a little pointless...I mean, I don't have a lot of friends. I have a just a few very close friends & my family & that's it...I guess they'll want to give Baby a gift but whatever they choose, I would be grateful for & the necessities I'll get myself...so as fun as zapping all that stuff would be, it's seems sort of over indulgent to me...what does everyone else think?

FREE DRUGS...and other stuff

2010-09-03T08:43:00.000-04:00

Okay, before I forget ('cause I do that a lot lately!) I've been meaning to post that I have 1 shot of Ovidril still in the package & kept in the fridge that I don't think I'll be needing. Now I don't know the logistics or legalities of shipping something like this but if anyone wants this it's yours for the taking...send me an email to: t(dot)like(dot)tara@gmail.com & we can work out the details!

Now the other stuff...I had my 13 week U/S on Wednesday...I was nervous going in for a number of reasons...this time I had to go to the hospital instead of my clinic & you definitely don't get the kind of personal attention you do at the clinic...but I was lucky, my tech turned out to be great. Her name was Paula, which right away I knew was a good sign since my S-I-L's name is Paula. I told her up front that I'd M/C back in April & was nervous & needed to know that baby was okay...as soon as she put the wand on my belly, she said, "there's Baby & there's the strong heartbeat. Everything looks perfect." I was so grateful that she put my mind at ease right away. She even adjusted the screen so I could watch while she took all the measurements & stuff so I got a good long look at my precious one moving about. Paula then went & got my Mom & took the time to show us all of Baby's parts, a nice close up on the face, spine, hands, feet, heartbeat...the only downside is they don't print pictures but it was enough for me to know Baby is still perfect & well. At 13 weeks Baby is measuring 13 weeks & 2 days & heart is still beating strong at 160 beats/minute.

It all feels really real now...that may sound weird but up until now, in my head Baby was more of an abstract concept...but now that I'm really feeling the tugging & stretching in my abdomen, now that my tummy is starting to protrude, I'm really starting to FEEL pregnant. Up until now, I didn't FEEL pregnant...oh sure, I had morning sickness & fatigue (understatement!) & stuff but that all felt more like I had the flu than that I was pregnant! I can't wait until Tuesday when I see my Midwife again as I'm hoping she'll use the doppler & I'll finally get to HEAR Baby! I've seen Baby's heartbeat but I have yet to hear it!

Okay everyone, have a fantastic long weekend! It's Ribfest here so y'all know where I'll be!!!

12 Weeks

2010-08-25T19:52:00.000-04:00

I can hardly believe that I'm 12 weeks pregnant! This last week & a half or so has been a turning point of sorts...I've experienced a lot of tugging & pulling feelings in my lower abdomen & it seems as though my belly is protruding some...but I'm also extremely bloated & gassy so am not sure how much is Baby & how much is gas. I've been feeling quite uncomfortable lately...I feel very huge & constricted...on the upside the queasy feelings are gone...though I still experience food aversions. My breasts are now only mildly tender but are definitely denser & heavier...& yes, unfortunately bigger. Hormones are getting the better of me...I've been feeling almost like PMS. I also get pretty weepy for no reason...a song I've heard a million times before can now bring tears to my eyes & I can't explain why...I cry at just about every TV show I watch...like Big Brother! I mean that is the most ridiculous show yet I found myself crying at something stupid that happened on it! I watched Inglorious Basterds on Sunday & balled my eyes out at the beginning & a few other parts to! You know you're being affected by hormones when you cry at Quentin Tarantino films!!

I spent part of last weekend with my nephews (M, 7 & H, 5) & they are so funny about Baby. Very curious & very excited...while we were sitting in a cafeteria style place for dinner, a family sat at the table next to us & had a newborn who was crying up a storm...well M says to me, "You see that Tia (that's what they call me)...That's what you're going to get. I hope you're ready." And H has graciously offered to help with changing diapers, even the poopy ones! They have also come up with some interesting names...they are sure it will be a boy & have suggested "Ranger" & "Wolfgang"...My aunt is calling Baby "Raspberry" from when it was that size...when it became the size of a prune that just didn't have the same ring...

I've also told everyone at work about Baby...I'm hoping I didn't jump the gun but it just felt right to tell everyone & they are all very excited for me...it makes things easier since now they know why I'm tired all the time & why I can't change the water cooler bottle.

I do have my moments where I'm terrified something will go wrong. My next U/S is September 1st & it can't get here soon enough...I just need to be reassured that everything is okay with Baby...but really, for the most part, I can keep my fears at bay & I focus on all the signs that everything is perfectly fine.

Lastly, another HUGE congratulations...this time to Shannon on her BFP!! Another thing that made me cry this week...but I think this one was justified :)

Choice Mom Event in Toronto!!

2010-08-20T14:30:00.000-04:00

I'm just so excited! There is going to be a Choice Mom event organized by Mikki Morrissette in Toronto on September 25th!! I have already registered & am so excited to go!

It was through her site that I was introduced to the Blogosphere & I just loved her book Choosing Single Motherhood! It's just an afternoon but it sounds like it will be a wealth of information. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to connect with other Choice Moms! I can't tell from the details if Mikki will be there or not but regardless I am extremely excited to be going!

Where did this week go?

2010-08-15T15:26:00.000-04:00

What a week! I don't even know where it went!

Tuesday I went for another U/S...I was 9 weeks 6 days & Baby was measuring 10 weeks 2 days so growing wonderfully...still has a strong heartbeat of 160 beats/minute. Shelly, the tech, showed me a clear shot of the spine & I had no trouble identifying the heart. The best part of the appointment was seeing Baby kick & wave & spin around...just moving up a storm!! It was precious! It was just so amazing to see Baby looking so much more human. Soon I'll be feeling those kicks & spins & that just blows me away!

I also met with my Midwife for the first time. Last week I visited my family Dr to discuss prenatal care. I was still on the fence whether to receive care from him & an OB or go with a Midwife. My Dr was great & really took the time to discuss the pros & cons of either choice. He himself is pro Midwife as when he was doing deliveries he worked very closely with them. He also assured me that if at any time I changed my mind he would resume care no problem. So I met with my Midwife on Tuesday after my U/S & what a great experience. She's very excited & passionate...I admit I went in a little defensive half expecting her to be too new age for me but was pleasantly surprised. And the amount of information offered up was great! Even as great as my Dr is, he didn't have a package of pamphlets for me or a library of books & videos I could borrow from. Since I am all about the info, this was a huge selling point for me!

The only issue of contention was that she is very pro home birth & that is definately NOT something I'm interested in. We really didn't have time to discuss this though since there was so much to cover but I'll nip that idea in the bud on my next visit. I think home birth is an interesting concept & works for some women...but for me? My vision of child birth happens in a hospital. The good thing is that she explained her stance of respect for choice so I don't think she'll push me on the issue.

This week I also told a few more people about Baby...I told one of my Aunts that lives out West & she didn't believe me at first but once I told her the whole story she was very happy for more & is excited that my Due Date is near her birthday. I told a couple of girls from work & they can't wait to start shopping for Baby! My Mom has been telling more of her friends too.

The support & acceptance from everyone is unbelievable! Not a single negative reaction. My Mom's one friend asked, "Does she know who the father is?" assuming I got knocked up the old fashioned way...I wish someone would ask me that! I'd love to look them straight in the face & say, "No" before going on to explain the circumstances.

Another rite of passage this week, I went & bought some maternity clothes...my clothes are already getting pretty sung & uncomfortable. However, since I'll be biggest through the winter I bought long pants & jeans & it's still to warm to wear them & didn't think it made sense to buy capris' that I'll only be able to wear for a few more weeks before the weather changes. Now I can't wait for fall!!! Although I am a Fall/Winter lover anyway so I always can't wait for fall!

Lastly, I'd like to close with a HUGE congratulations to Paige on her BFP...I couldn't be more happy for you, Paige!

And to all the rest of you ladies that are knee deep into your 2ww, here's hoping you all get your BFPs too!

This & That

2010-08-04T19:00:00.000-04:00

It's been a fun week...I'm still floating on a cloud after my U/S...though it's hard not to be a "Nervous Nelly"...not surprisingly I've been having lots of twinges & discomfort in my lower abdomen & inevitably wonder, "Is this cramping?" It's always just gas or constipation...

After worrying about not having enough symptoms, it's like my baby said, "You want symptoms? You asked for it!!!" Aside from the unbelieveable exhaustion, I've been feeling the nausea...it's not what I thought it would feel like. Mostly it feels like I have the flu...but with constipation instead of diarrhea. As long as I have something in my stomach, I'm okay so I'm doing a lot of munching...

I am always hungry but I haven't had any cravings really...I have been experiencing some food aversions though...even that's not like I expected...I'll start to feel hungry & think, "Oh, I want some cookies!" But when I'm standing in the cookie aisle at the grocery store my stomach just turns over in protest...it's a weird feeling to want to eat certain foods but then feel like gagging when I actually try...

Even the exhaustion isn't anything I could have been prepared for...I am so tired beyond any kind of tired I have ever experienced! I use to be a party girl...I use to go out drinking 4 nights a week until 2 or 3 in the morning without missing any 8am classes or early work shifts & this was week after week! And I never remember feeling as tired as I do lately even after sleeping for more hours than I'm awake!!!

I find it all facinating! All the changes & feelings...it's just amazing!

We told my Brother's 2 sons about the baby on Saturday...M is 7 & H is 5 & their reactions were so fun! H is excited that he won't be the youngest anymore & kept telling me, "I can't wait for the baby to get here!" M was a bit more pensive about it & here's the conversation after he absorbed the info:

M: Daddy? Does this mean you'll be the Daddy?

Me & Bro: NO!

My brother went on to explain about different types of families, 1 Mommy, 1 Daddy, 2 Daddys, etc...after thinking about this for a moment he says to me:

M: I really think that's best. (meaning just me & the baby)

Me: Oh? why's that?

M: 'Cause that way, at dinner, you only have to make 2 dinners. When Mommy makes dinner, she has to make FOUR!

So precious! They are excited, to say the least & are both convinced it will be a boy & gave me some interesting name suggestions.

Here I am 9 weeks now...I saw my RE today & he is very pleased with my results from last week & said there was nothing to indicate any concerns & said he didn't think any further U/S were necessary...I asked him if he was SURE he didn't want to check...he smiled & asked if I would feel better if we did another U/S & I nodded emphatically so he booked me in for next week, just to put my mind at ease...although knowing he didn't think it necessary made me feel really good.

My Perfect Day

2010-07-28T18:41:00.000-04:00

That's my perfect little baby! Adorable, right? Couldn't be more perfect either! Measuring exactly 8 weeks with a heartrate of 160 bpm!!

What relief...what absolute relief! They are also calculating my due date as March 10th now...I know, due date-shmue date...baby will come when baby is ready.

Because of my previous miscarriage, my RE wants to see me again, my appointment is next Wednesday. I also see my family doctor next Thursday. One benefit is that I get more ultrasounds & more opportunities to see my precious baby!!!

What an amazingly perfect day!!! My Mom came with me again & we both saw my baby for the 1st time together. It was such a special moment to share with my Mom. She has been unbelievably supportive through this whole journey...she & I have had our disagreements & rough patches but there has been one common thread...her unconditional love. No matter how I've ever disappointed her, she has always loved me fully & unconditionally. Growing up with that has given me an excellent example of how I want to be a mother. Oh sure, I have my own opinions about some stuff that differ from hers...but when it comes to love? She's an inspiration.

I wanted also to thank everyone for all their comments on my last post. It was so cathartic to write it & put it out there...Before writing it, I was afraid to admit I was scared...it felt as though I took the power of the fear away by facing it, admitting it, sharing it...then to receive so much encouragement & well wishes really bolstered me when I needed it. So thank you all.

7 Weeks

2010-07-21T19:36:00.000-04:00

Today I am 7 weeks pregnant...the last 3 weeks since I found out I was pregnant have been...stressful. I have put on a positive outward facade...but inside I have been full of turmoil & fear.

From the beginning I haven't felt like I was pregnant & I just keep turning over in my mind if it's actually true or if I am headed toward another heartbreak. I am afraid to allow myself to be hopeful in order to steal myself against possible disappointment...then I think it has to be okay this time & I'm cheating myself by not allowing myself to feel the joy...it's a vicious circle.

I have exactly 3 symptoms...THREE!

1st: I have to pee ALL THE TIME...that's a good sign, right? This must mean everything is progressing okay, right? Everytime I have to get up AGAIN to go to the washroom, I feel myself get a little hopeful...then I remember that I had to pee all the time last time too...vicious circle.

2nd: I am EXHAUSTED all the time! I am so tired I want to stab myself in the eyes...even after a full 6 hours straight of sleep (between getting up to pee) & lounging all day on the couch, I am still so very tired. This has to be a good sign, right? I don't remember being this tired last time...& I get a little more hopeful...then I start thinking that maybe I'm tired because of the emotional turmoil I'm in & if I believe this is a good sign, I'm just setting myself up for a huge fall...vicious circle.

3rd: My breasts have gotten very tender & in a different way from last time...last time they hurt from the beginning & I'm sure it was a side effect of the progesterone more than the pregnancy. This time they didn't start hurting until a few weeks in & it was different...for 3-4 days they felt like they were...buzzing & they felt itchy but from the inside then they became tender...that's gotta be good, right? And the tenderness was more from the inside than just the normal period-feeling tenderness...I was really getting hopeful with this one, it seemed like such a good sign...then this morning...nothing, gone! No more tenderness at all...

I would be lying if I said I wasn't still obsessing about my low hCG levels with my betas too...sure they doubled but they doubled last time too...& don't forget that I missed 3 doses of my progesterone when I was so sure my period was starting...what if my baby was developing fine then by my not taking those 3 doses I changed the course...

Deeper than that, the fear that grips me is that if I miscarry this baby too, that will indicate a bigger issue...to miscarry once can be chalked up to a fluke of nature...the statistics say that 1 miscarriage is not an indicator of anything & "at least your body knows how to get pregnant"...but 2 miscarriages?

I believe that things happen for a reason & what's meant to be will be...after going through the process of realizing & accepting that I won't meet my soul mate in time to have my dream family...then contemplating & deciding to not accept that this means I won't be a mom...by taking control of my life & going after my dream of motherhood regardless how untraditional the method...am I supposed to believe that after all of this I may be childless in the end anyway?

After my 1st miscarriage, I was so bent on moving on, not dwelling, moving forward...I felt that I deserved the hurt & heartbreak of my 1st miscarriage but that it had earned me a place in the motherhood club...that if I just tried again as soon as possible, I'd be pregnant & it would all be worth it...now here I am & I fear the fates are breathing down my neck saying, "Not so fast, lady!"

What am I to do? Don't get me wrong, I have allowed myself to daydream about this baby & imagine a healthy pregnancy & what it will be like...but I catch myself before I get to wishful because of the vicious circle...but I've realized one very important thing: trying to remain unattached won't make a loss hurt any less.

So I wait...exactly 1 week...next Wednesday I go for my U/S...the moment of truth.

Twit

2010-07-05T16:12:00.000-04:00

I have mentioned before about my iGoogle Homepage & the Useless Knowledge gadget...well take a look at this pearl:

I'm glad I'm not a Goldfish!!

Very Excited!!

2010-07-03T09:38:00.000-04:00

I can't even quite digest this all yet...I can't express exactly how sure I was that this cycle was a bust...but I am definitely pregnant!

I went yesterday for my 2nd BT & more than doubled...126.6 hCG...and as much as I would like it to be way higher, I have to remember that it's the doubling that matters & that it's higher than at this point last time!

I have my 7 week U/S on July 28th...25 days! It seems like so far away...more waiting...

Twist of Fate

2010-06-30T18:57:00.000-04:00

When I posted Monday evening, I just knew I was on the verge of getting my period. I was experiencing pretty intense lower back pain which is always my 1st warning that I'm about to start. Then late Monday afternoon I noticed my 1st signs of spotting...period was inevitable, right? I stopped taking my progesterone suppositories...what was the point, I might as well save them, right?

Tuesday morning (CD28), I expected to wake up to full flow...what did I wake up to? Nothing! Even my lower back pain had subsided...throughout the day I kept expecting it to come back...I mean, I wanted a CD1 so I could start the process for try #3!! But all day, NOTHING!

When I woke up this morning, still nothing! I was sure it was just taking it's time but just to put my mind at ease, I decided to take a HPT...I had a cheap one, why waste a good one, right?).

I took the test & got a 2nd line almost immediately! My 1st thought? WTF!!! I looked & looked again...I couldn't believe it!! And of course I started doubting it. How could this be? I had no symptoms whatsoever...no tender breasts, no nausea, nothing! The test was a cheap one, it was probably a false positive...

I quickly got ready & high-tailed it to my clinic for a beta...blood tests don't lie & I was sure it would come up negative...or maybe this was just a chemical...I mentioned I'd had no symptoms, right?

My nurse called at about 11:30am today...the verdict? BFP!! My 1st thought? WTF!!! I have a 51.98 hCG!!! She warned that my progesterone was very low...well, ya! I'd stopped taking it!!! I immediately hauled my ass home & deposited my suppository!!!

I can't even believe this. I was so sure this was a no go. When it felt like my period was starting, I wasn't surprised. I'm in shock that I've actually got a BFP! I don't know if it's even sunk in...

Then there's no guarantee it'll stick...I go back Friday to may sure my hCG doubles...it may not. Even though 51.98 is higher than this point last time, it's still not off the charts high...this could indicate another blighted ovum...last time I knew it wasn't my fault that I miscarried. This time? How can I not blame myself? If I had just kept taking my progesterone...okay, that's it. My 5 seconds are up...I let the fear in & now I am going to remain calm & positive.

No Need to Test...

2010-06-28T18:09:00.000-04:00

Aunt Flo has been banging down my door all day...it also feels like she's drop-kicked me in my lower back!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed...but what else can I do but look forward to try #3?

2ww Randomness

2010-06-23T09:12:00.000-04:00

1 week down, 1 week to go...it hasn't been so bad as far as 2ww go...I'm experiencing the usual flop flopping of, "I think I feel pregnant" to "No way, this is a bust, I feel nothing"...

I bought some pregnancy tests yesterday...no, I didn't use any yet...I'm not ready to give up the dream...by not taking the test, I can still blissfully imagine that I am preggers...I bought the tests because they were on sale & thought that must be a sign...

Last weekend was dreadful...not because anything bad happened...it was actually nice in that sense, I was house & dog sitting so it felt like I was on a mini vacation...I didn't have to do anything but hang out with the dog, Murphy, a Westie who is an absolute sweetheart...it was dreadful because I didn't have much mental stimulation to distract me from thinking about whether I'm pregnant or not...I watched a bunch of movies & read a little, slept a lot...it was very relaxing & really was a great weekend but it was nice to get back to work on Monday.

Work has been extremely busy lately & I love it...1st because I love what I do & the people I work with & for & 2nd because it keeps my mind mostly occupied so I'm not obsessing...I can go whole minutes without thinking about it, lol!!

This coming weekend is a busy one (thank god!), I will be quite occupied...Saturday we're having a family BBQ at my house...which is CD25, 10dpiui, 3 days prior to expected AF...the soonest I could test...however, if I get a BFN, that'll ruin my mood for the BBQ & I don't want to do that...that takes me to Sunday, why not test then? Well, I'm taking my aunt to see The Tempest at the Stratford Festival starring Christopher Plummer on Sunday, I don't want to be bummed out for that!! So the very soonest I will test is Monday...

Also, to keep occupied, I am participating in my 1st International Comment Leaving Week...I am really getting a lot more out of it than I could have imagined...reading the inspirational stories of other women & their experiences & successes...even the heartbreaking stories are inspiring because of the unbelievable strength & bravery these women show both in how they deal with their situatons & for sharing it with the world...

Thank you to everyone for stopping by & offering your well wishes...but especially thank you to everyone for sharing these intimate parts of your lives.

Lucky Number 2

2010-06-16T15:36:00.000-04:00

And so it begins...I am inseminated! I got the call from my nurse yesterday that I was surging...I felt a sense of satisfaction knowing I felt the symptoms of ovulation only to be confirmed by my BW...although now I still have an Ovidril shot I don't need...

My appointment was this morning & my Mom came along with me this time...I feel it's so special for her to be there with me now at the very beginning & then at the birth...although she wasn't in the room during the actual insemination, that would have been too weird...but I was glad to have her with me for the rest of the time.

I was also so happy that Nicole, the nurse who did my IUI last time was there again & was available to do it this time...minus all the drama! Everything worked out perfectly & now the wait begins.

I'm in such a different state of mind this time...I'm well aware of all the negatives & possible disappointments but I refuse to dwell on them now...there's no point...I've dealt with hard stuff in my life & worrying about it before hand never prevented it from happening nor made me more prepared to deal with it...

I'd rather fill my time in the next 2 weeks daydreaming about my upcoming positive beta & my 7wk U/S & hearing my baby's heartbeat for the 1st time...getting excited about blowing my co-worker's minds when I tell them I'm pregnant...I'm going to imagine which crib I'm going to buy & how I'm going to arrange everything...

Everything is all up to nature & fate now so I'm going to just be positive & zen...Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

Dear Follie,

2010-06-15T08:10:00.000-04:00

I am so proud of you for working so hard & having a growth spurt...2.0! Way to go!

Now I want to prepare you because you'll be having some visitors in the next day or so...there will be millions of them but I want you to be hospitable...don't be overwhelmed, you only have to let 1 in so pick the best, stongest one & then get aquainted because you two will go on a little trip...

Hold on tight to each other & enjoy the ride because at the end I've prepared a nice soft place for you to land & when you get there, snuggle in & latch on tight & continue this awesome growing you've started already!

Then, nine months from now (give or take) I'll bring you into my world & continue to love you & nurture you for the rest of your life!

I love you, Follie!

Mommy

Another Quick One...

2010-06-14T14:20:00.000-04:00

CD13 - All my hopes & dreams are pinned to 1 follicle!

Okay, way to over dramatic, lol! But it looks as though it's just the one that's growing, it's up to 1.7 now...1 is all I need!

My home page at work is the iGoogle personalized homepage & one of the gadgets I have is called "Useless Knowledge"...well guess what popped up today:

Just in case I needed to know...too funny!

Quick Update...

2010-06-13T20:07:00.000-04:00

...had another U/S this morning...my follies on the right have gotten smaller so as the Tech said, the party is happening in my left ovary...however, they're not growing as dramatically as last time...1 is 1.6 now & the 0.8 grew to 0.9 but no change in the other 0.9...my lining is thickening nicely at 7.6...

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little discouraged...but keeping my promise to myself to stay positive, I reminded myself that I only need 1 good follie so I'm thinking positive grow thoughts for my little 1.6-er & if little 0.9-er wants to get big, I'm good with that too!

I go again tomorrow to see how we're doing...looks as though Wednesday will be the day...

Nightie-Night! (Yes it's only 8:07pm but I gotta get up at 4:30!!)

Looking Good, Kid...

2010-06-12T12:38:00.000-04:00

Happy Weekend, Everyone!

I went yesterday for my CD10 U/S & BW...things are looking pretty good...3 follies in my right, still measuring 0.9 & 3 follies in my left now measuring 1.3, 0.9 & 0.8...it looks as though the left ones are the growers this month...my lining is doing well at 5.2 but I started Estrace last night just to be safe...looks as though insem will be Wednesday or Thursday...I'm getting very excited!!

I've made a lot of plans to keep busy this weekend plus to accomplish some stuff that I won't want to do after my IUI...I was up 1st thing this morning & did some deep scrub cleaning of my kitchen & bathroom...I'm taking my nephews to see the new Shrek movie later this afternoon...tomorrow I go in for U/S & BW then I'm going for a massage & I'm going to stop in to visit one of my aunts to help her with some stuff...I am also going to dye my hair!! Yup, not making that mistake again!

Also, the good thing about my U/S & BW on Sunday...I assumed I'd have to go into Toronto to their main offices since my office is usually closed on the weekend but they have started opening weekends for the last month or so...that's convenient!

I'm feeling really ready for this & my 2WW...I'm still all about the positive visualization & thinking good baby making thoughts...

Good luck to my fellow bloggers who are or are about to be in the 2WW as well!

Excitement & Trepidation

2010-06-05T10:55:00.000-04:00

Okay...let's get the details out of the way...I went yesterday for my CD3 U/S & BW...Things look good: 6 follicles in my right ovary measuring 0.9...8 in my left measuring 0.6...this is less than normal but still good so I think the Metformin is doing it's job...my lining is 4.0...I started my Clomid, 50 mg a day for 5 days...now I'm a little confused because both my nurse & the RE on duty yesterday told me to start taking it yesterday which was CD3 but I thought you were supposed to take Clomid on CD5...but they haven't led me wrong yet so I'll trust them...

I'm really excited to be trying again & feeling this forward motion...but I'm also a little anxious as well...I'm afraid to get too excited because I know how much a disappointment can hurt...I'm not being negative, I'm really not...but it wouldn't be honest if I didn't address my fears...in the last few weeks since miscarrying, when the pain of loss consumes me, I wonder if I really want to be in a position to possibly go through it all again...however, the thought of never being a mom is more heartbreaking...when compared to that, it's worth the risk.

So being a true Lost fan, I'm going to take Jack Shephard's advice & let the fear in...but only for 5 seconds...1...2...3...4...5...now for the next 24 days, I am going to be all about positive visualization & thinking good baby-making thoughts.

As for the negative self-talk, Hopeful shared a very good point that I think all of us need to hear:

After I told a friend I was the queen of negative self talk, she asked me:

Would you say those same things to a me?

It was a life changing moment because I would NEVER say those things to a friend. Her point was well taken. We need to be just as nice to ourselves as we are to others.

It was life changing for me as well...I will never allow myself to do this to myself anymore...when I catch myself & reverse my thinking & remind myself how lucky I am.

Finally!!

2010-06-02T07:30:00.000-04:00

Aunt Flo has finally made her way to my place & I can finally get this show back on the road!!

I tell you, I haven't been so happy to start my period since that time in my early twenties when I thought I was pregnant! Oh, how the times have changed!!

CD1, yahoo!!! CD3 U/S & BTs booked for Friday!! Yippee!!!

Still No Flo...

2010-05-29T10:06:00.001-04:00

I really wanted to be able to post that Aunt Flo had arrived & I was on my way to try number 2...I was feeling sort of PMS-y last week & the last 2 days feel sort of like the beginning crampiness but still NOTHING!!!

I am really trying to remain zen about the wait, reminding myself that my body is just taking care of it's self & making it's self extra ready for next time...yada yada yada...blah blah blah...but I just can't help but hear the doubts in the back of my brain, "That was you last good egg" "Your period will never start" "You'll just keep miscarrying" "You'll never be a mother"...

It's been a blessing that work has been so busy so that I get a 9.5 hour distraction from it all...I also reminded myself that it's only been 4 weeks too...logically & rationally there's no reason to believe something is wrong...

Unfortuately Logic & Rational aren't always companions of mine!!

On a funny note...I am amazed by people sometimes (most of the time)...I'm an early bird & was up this morning at about 6:30am...(that's sleeping in since I get up at 5am during the week)...I'm lounging on the couch & I start hearing this loud vibrating...at 1st it sounds as though it's coming from upstairs...I go up to investigate & realize it's coming from outside & the neighbour behind me is jack-hammering his patio!!! AT 7:30am ON A SATURDAY MORNING!!!! Now it doesn't bother me since I'm already up but I can just imagine what the other neighbours must be feeling! How inconsiderate can you be?!?!?! Baffles me!

Has Anyone Seen My Aunt Flo?

2010-05-18T20:25:00.000-04:00

Because she's M.I.A...I've been waiting & waiting for her to arrive & fear she may be lost!

I think that's one thing anyone who is going to start TTC should know (because I wasn't prepared for it), whether they are a single gal like me or in a couple, they need to know that the 2ww is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to waiting during this process.

"Destiny is a Fickle Bitch" ~ Benjamin Linus

This is one of my favourite Lost quotes...well Time is pretty fickle herself!!! It amazes me that my 1st IUI was ONLY 2 months ago today, yet my miscarriage seems like a lifetime ago & it has ALREADY been 3 weeks since then...in some ways it seems like time is standing still, then in other ways I cannot believe it is already almost June!!!

I will admit that as much as I want to get moving on try #2, I am also a little afraid...afraid there won't be a BFP this time, afraid there will be, afraid I'll miscarry again, etc...I was also afraid to call the Donor Clinic for fear my Donor wouldn't be available any longer...well I finally got my nerve up to call today...Relief! My donor is still available!! The nurse said there are quite a few vials available...since I don't know when I'll need it though, I wasn't sure if I could order now, which led to a funny conversation:

Me: Since there are many vials available, can I just wait?
Nurse: Well, yes but you never know...These things go in spits & spurts.
Me: No pun intended, right?

We had a good laugh about that! She was great though, she placed an order for me for June 7th so that a vial would be kept on hold for me, just in case, but if I need it sooner (which I doubt) then I can call again.

I am so relieved to have this taken care of...I was afraid I would have to go back to the Donor-Picking-Drawing-Board...I also feel that using the same donor again will boost my odds.

That's it for me for now...if anyone does see my Aunt Flo, can you direct her my way?

Non-TTC Post

2010-05-11T13:43:00.000-04:00

Just a quick one for information purposes only...not sure it even matters but hey, what the hell...I am still getting use to the World of Blogging, the Blogisphere if you will...when I 1st set mine up, I wasn't so sure about it all...trying to come up with a Blog Name? so hard!

Anyway, I had my posts "signed" as Me Plus One & always assumed it was because that is the title of my blog...when I started posting comments on other blogs it would show "Me Plus One" & I thought that was odd but figured it just linked somehow to my blog...well, I have just discovered that it's part of my settings & I can change it!!

Long story short (too late!!)...I have changed my blog/comment "signature" to Tiara...sort of a nickname I acquired but we'll save that long boring story for another day!

So if you were wondering who this Tiara chick is...it's me :)

Happy Mother's Day!!

2010-05-09T19:52:00.000-04:00

This is just a quick one...I wanted to wish all the Mothers & Mothers-to-be out there a very happy day!

Here's hoping that I will be celebrating next year with a newborn!!!

Very Hopeful

2010-05-05T21:08:00.000-04:00

Wow! I feel 110% better...for a number of reasons...1st, I was back to work on Monday & even though I was still crampy & uncomfortable but it was so good to be back there...I love my job & love the people I work with...no one knows about my TTC plans there except my bosses & 1 coworker so it was good to just focus on work.

Then, today, I went to my clinic for a follow up H/S & blood work & to see my RE...so much information to share!! My U/S showed I had pretty much expelled everything so no need for a D&C...thank god!!

I am so grateful for having such a great RE...he just exudes confidence that when he explains things, I just know I can trust him. He explained that my miscarriage was basically just bad luck. My tadpole just wasn't right chromosomally (is that a word?) so it just didn't develop...there was nothing I could do differently.

He also looked over all of my results (except today's as they weren't available yet) & said they all look really good. He did identify that my ovaries over produce which can diminish my follicle quality. He explained he wasn't so concerned since I had 3 really good follicles with my last cycle but to decrease my chance of a 2nd miscarriage, he put me on Metformin which is a diabetic medication but has been known to aid & increase fertility.

A concern I had was regarding the "infection" they swabbed for that I took antibiotics for before my 1st IUI...I can't remember what the name of it is but it is known to cause miscarriage...just to be safe, we swabbed again today in case it hadn't cleared up.

When I asked if I should change donors he said absolutely not...he advised I should stick with him since we know he can get me pregnant. I have to admit, I'm afraid to check as I'm scared he won't still be available...

The really exciting news was that he advised we can try again on my very next cycle! No need to wait!! He explained that often the advice to wait is more for the emotional factor than any basis in biology & since the odds of conceiving on the next try are so good, why wait? I am so glad I don't have to wait!! And of course they'll monitor everything, if it's not optimal, we'll skip it & try the next one.

Once I got home, my nurse called as my RE was able to look at today's results & agreed I'd expelled everything & would probably start my next period within the next 2 weeks! Wow, I didn't expect so soon! I still show a positive hCG of 8 but that will decrease to nothing.

It goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway:) I am on cloud 9!! I can't even explain it! I don't want anyone to think I take this miscarriage lightly or don't feel an immense loss...those are feelings I deal with internally but I can't allow myself to dwell on my loss. I prefer to look forward to the blessings ahead of me rather than the grief behind me.

I want to close this post with my heartfelt gratitude to all of you for the encouraging comments & support, both from my family & friends as well as my new cyber-friends. You all will never know how grateful I am I didn't have to go through this alone. Thank you!