The Miracles of Modern Medicine

I have jumped ship...I'm out of the Doubt Boat...my friend gave me a fantastic quote that I have to remember:

That which comes too easily, we take for granted. That which we work for, we value.

I am feeling pretty good though...so so very excited...it looks as though Thursday will be the day, Thursday or Friday...

Now the miracles of modern medicine...not exactly a miracle (yet) but I find it pretty amazing that my uterine lining could be 5.5 yesterday then I stick a tiny little hormone pill up my hoo-hoo-dilly & this morning my lining is a wopping 6.8! Amazing!

My follicles are growing nicely as well...1.8, 1.7 & 1.3...I'm so proud of them :) I can't wait until tomorrow morning to see how things have changed....

Back in the Doubt Boat...

That's where I am right now...that's the boat where I think I'm sure this try won't work...allow me to explain...

Today is CD12 & I went for my U/S & BT...my follicles are growing in the right ovary...I have 2 good ones, 1.7 & 1.5 in size (1.9 being the minimum & 2.2-2.3 being best) & 1 just less at 1.2 which are good sizes for this stage & bigger than they were this CD last month...so yeah Clomid! I guess it did it's job...I go tomorrow for another U/S & BT...I'll be going everyday until we inseminate...the nurse explained as well that if necessary, I will be given meds to induce ovulation...administered by needle. This means that I will have to give myself the shot...ya, I know...not sure how I feel about that but think I'll manage okay.

I know what you're thinking, this is all sounding like good news...why the Doubt Boat? Well the nurse called me this afternoon at work with good news & bad news. The good news: my hormones haven't surged so my follicles get more chance to grow...the bad news: the lining in my uterus is a little thin...6 is ideal or the minimum or something & mine is only 5.5...but there is help...beware TMI to follow...

They prescribed me a hormone pill I have to stick up my hoo-hoo-dilly with my finger that will dissolve & I guess boost the growth of my lining. It's this news that put me in the Doubt Boat...that & the fact that my spermies haven't "shown up" at the clinic yet...things seemed to be falling into place so perfectly yet now it seems everything is going haywire...

Okay, I know...stop! Be positive...I must remain positive, hopeful...I'll try...

The Longest Week Ever...

Seriously! This has been the longest week ever!! And I even had Monday off work!! It's because I have to wait until Monday to get this show on the road...Monday is CD12 so that is when I start having my U/Ss & BTs to determine when it'll be best to inseminate...so this week has just dragged!!! Now I can't even imagine how I'll get throught the 2 week waiting period!! (The time after insemination before being able to determine if it takes)

I took my last dose of Clomid today...I hope it's doing it's job...I was very worried about taking it because I was afraid I'd react badly on it...but either it was a very mild dose or I just took it well because I feel generally fine. The 1st few days I felt sort of dizzy & woozy but that stopped...I've felt a bit bloated & had some crazy bowel activity (TMI, I know) but that could be because I have been eating more fruit & veggies than I usually do (trying to be healthy & all)...the 1 thing I do notice for sure is the discomfort in my lower back...I've had so few actual reactions that the paranoid side of me keeps thinking that it must not be working...I'll get the verdict Monday anyway so I might as well give my mind a break over the weekend...(yeah, right! I'm such a worry wart that won't happen!!)

I received my letter of confirmation & receipt from the donor clinic in the mail today...something about receiving that made me so happy & giddy!!! All these little things just make it more real...It hits me sometimes, "I'm actually trying to have a baby!" It really is a dream come true!

This time last year I determined that if I was going to meet that someone special, I would have to put myself out there...being a homebody, I had limited avenues to pursue this...I tried internet dating AGAIN! This time I even paid the cash & joined eHarmony...same results though...maybe I'm too picky, maybe my standards are too high...it wasn't until I made the decision to be a Choice Mom that I realized that I wasn't clicking with these guys because I wasn't really that interested in being in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have that soul mate thing with someone but I don't feel like I'm missing anything not having it either. It was the thought of not being a mother, not having & nurturing a child that was leaving a hole in my heart.

Now I am very clear headed about the fact that the 1st time probably won't work...I've read about so many women who go through 3, 5, 8, plus trys...but it's from reading these stories that I'm glad we (my RE & I) decided to get a little aggressive right away. I've been afraid to let myself get too excited because of this, I didn't want to be too disappointed when it didn't work. When I made the choice, I believed it would take many tries...so I was really curbing my excitement. Then a friend told me, "Get excited!! Allow yourself that. There are very few times in life you can get really excited like this so enjoy it! If it doesn't work, you deal & move on." Okay, so those weren't her exact words but that was the jist of it.

So I'm going to be excited & hopeful & positive. I use to live my life hoping for the best but expecting the worst but in this case I am going to hope for the best, expect the best and deal with the disappointments if & when they come...

P.S. I had a funny dream the other night: I was in this little car, someone else was driving, & there were like 10-15 kids in there with us just packed like sardines & I was very annoyed & couldn't understand why we didn't take more than 1 vehicle...ya think that might be my subconscience telling me that my ovaries are feeling full!! LOL!

The Kindness of Others...

I had such a great day today! 1st thing this morning I went down to the donor clinic to drop off my now notarized Open ID forms...the woman there was just wonderful! We chatted for a bit...she filled me in on their warranty & guarantee, explained the timeline of my swimmers being sent...answered all my questions...then gave me a big hug & made me cry when she said how proud she was to meet women like me who are taking control of the direction of their lives & choosing to be mothers rather than falling into the social norms & waiting for a man...she was so kind & genuine.

Now I have an extremely supportive circle of family & friends that have been overwhelmingly encouraging & excited with me...but coming from a stranger? It has a different effect...I've grown into a woman who doesn't put much weight into stranger's opinions of me. What do I care what "they" think of me? There's a line from a Neil Young song I love, "It doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you..." But I guess this only relates to when "they" think negatively of me because it sure felt good to have that validation & encouragement from a person I have never met & may never see again...

My brother really made my day today too...he told me how excited he is for me but the line that really touched me the most was:

"I have to admit, I'm pretty excited about having the opportunity to pay YOU back in the future for all of these favours!!! I'm 100% sure you'll have a girl and I'll get to spoil her!!!"

That is so awesome to hear! My brother & his family mean so much to me & to have him so excited for me just means the world!! Crying bout #2...

I'm on day 2 of taking Clomid (CD6) and am feeling some mild side effects...I feel kinda woozy & lightheaded...but that's it...for now...unless you count the crying. I'm not much of a cryer. Well, I mean, I tear up at a sappy commercial or movie, a touching Oscar speech, etc...but actually tears flowing? Not so much...but I can't pin point for sure if it's the Clomid or just the excitement...It's the depression I'm concerned about most since I have suffered from depression in the past. I don't feel depressed. I feel pretty giddy & happy...it's only day 2 though so we'll wait & see...

And so it begins...

Wow...so much going on...okay...start at the beginning-ish...

I had mentioned that when I called the donor clinic about ordering my swimmers, they were very wishy-washy. My RE said that the girl who answered the phone was probably new & didn't know what she was talking about...but it really made me think harder about my choices & I just wasn't confident with how things were looking on that front.

I thought I was sure that I wanted an anonymous donor but upon deeper reflection & the fact that my 3 top choices may or may not be available...and after conversation with the psychologist...I went back & started from scratch...looked at all the donor clinics again...really soul searched & realized that I couldn't take that choice away from my child, the choice of being able to look for their bio-father if they wanted to. I couldn't risk my child resenting me for my decision...if they never want to look at least they will know that I didn't take that choice away.

Also, as it turned out, my choices were better, more what I really wanted & this new clinic provided way more information for free right up front. It was then that I realized that I was so overwhelmed because I was trying to make such a huge decision & choice based on very limited information. How could I go with my gut when I didn't have enough info?

Well, today & submitted my choices to the clinic & lo & behold, my number one choice is available!!! Plenty available!!! Such relief...I have been in such turmoil over this & now feel like a weight has been lifted...& I feel really good about it...really good! And the woman I spoke to was so nice & kind & funny & encouraging...a much better experience than with the last.

Now, thank god I have today off work as I have to have my Open ID forms notorized in order for my swimmers to be released...I called a few offices from the yellow pages, no answer, no answer...then finally I reach someone & she was wonderful, no judgement, actual excitement! That felt good coming from a stranger!

I also had my CD5 ultrasound & blood work...full bladder!!! Those ones always get me! Anyway, everything looks good...10 follicles in the right ovary measuring about 1.0 & 8 follicles in the left one measuring 0.7...funny 'cause last month they were were the other way around...

I was also given my low dose of Clomid...so that rollercoaster is about to begin...I'm a little wary of how I'll react...I've done a lot of reading about it & it should be interesting...

Well...I have to get ready to head over to the notary...more later...

Decisions, Decisions...

Okay...where do I start...I'm a little overwhelmed by having such the weighty decision of choosing a donor...it's so hard to know the best choice...I'm usually a "go by my gut" kinda girl, just do what feels right...I'm not sure that'll work in this situation...

Anyway, I had my appointment with my RE today to discuss my investigative cycle results & how we're going to proceed. It was all pretty positive...he mentioned my above normal amounts of follicles but said it wasn't a concern. He was concerned though that my progesterone levels were low after ovulation but he said he would give me a prescription.

We also decided that I would take a low dose of Clomid just to increase my odds...since it is such an expensive procedure, I'll take all the help I can get...it also increases my odds of twins which is scary...I don't even want to think about that...I'll cross that bridge if I get there.

So now I wait for AF...any day now...then the fun begins...okay, so I'm zonked & am going to head to bed...tomorrow I see the psychologist, not sure what to expect there...should be fun.

Wow, what a weekend!!

Between earthquakes & gold medals this weekend just flew by!!

I have been house & dog sitting for the past 6 (count 'em SIX!) weeks while my aunt toured around South America...the good news is that she hit Chile at the beginning of her trip. The bad news, she's standed in Buenos Aires trying to get a flight home. Her original flight was to connect through Santiago & since all those flights were cancelled...I am still dog & house sitting...

And then that game! Talk about a nail biter!! Yeah, Canada!!! We owned the podium after all!

Anyway...news on the baby-making front...I finally got the nerve to have "the Talk" with my boss...I (of course) didn't tell her that I was TTC (trying to conceive) but felt a conversation was in order to explain my frequent doctors appointments & bruised arms. I love my job & my boss puts a lot of trust in me to let me do my thing work-wise & I didn't want her to think I was taking advantage or that I was becoming a flake.

It went well, I had worked myself up into such nervousness, it could only go better than I'd expected...on the advice of my very business-wise brother, I was honest but vague, assured her my work wouldn't suffer...she was very understanding & told me not to worry & as long as I kept her informed, everything was peaches.

Phew, glad that's out of the way...& this way if, I mean when I get pregnant I can explain that I didn't want to say anything in case it didn't work, etc...I mean, couples don't have to tell their boss that they're TTC, why should I, right?

So my next big step today was calling the donor clinic to see about ordering my...okay, what do we call it? specimen seems to scientific...sperm seems too crude...sample? whatever, I called & my number 1 choice is a new donor so they don't know if his stuff(?) is out of quarantine yet...my other 2 choices are no longer available. So I go back to my short list & name 3 more...my 1st choice out of that bunch is available & 1 other...that's okay I guess...but it doesn't matter anyway since both the donor clinic & the clinic where I'll have my IUI both say its too soon to order...which is confusing since my RE & the nurse at my clinic both said, "Oh yeah, order any time..."

I have an appointment with my RE on Wednesday anyway so I will double check & confirm then...I think I may check out another donor clinic too...