Mel over at Stirrup Queens
posted recently about a new site called Modamily & it really rubbed me the
wrong way…not Mel’s post but this new site. Admittedly, I haven’t followed any
of the links she provided so I am writing this solely based on the quotes in
her post.
I am not against the concept of
the site. Basically, it’s a social network matching site bringing people
together who want to co-parent as opposed to using an anonymous donor etc. I
believe it’s a fabulous option that could work for many people.
What I take exception to is
this: (copied from Mel’s post who copied it from the site)
“In
most cases, when using a sperm donor, a mother is resigned to being a single
parent. We feel that co-parenting provides more support to the child because it involves two
parents that are physically, financially, and emotionally committed. Healthy, happy, and balanced children
are what we are trying to achieve and statistically, having both a mother and
father within a child’s life dramatically
improves chances for a happy and balanced upbringing.”
I found this offensive on so many
levels. Firstly, I am not, nor ever have been, resigned to be a single
mother, hence the choice part of Single Mom by Choice. I am beyond grateful to
live in an era, society, culture that allows me this choice as an option. I
have had many feelings throughout this process; resignation was never
one of them.
Secondly, I find it hard to
accept that I could have more support from a co-parenting
situation, at least the type this site promotes, than I do now. I guess essentially
I am co-parenting Elena with my Mom since we live in the same household &
my Mom will be caring for Elena while I work. On top of that support, I have
numerous family & friends who are more than willing to look after Elena if
I need. And if we’re talking emotional support (for me or Elena), again I don’t
see how their situation is any more supportive than the one I’m in.
Which brings me to thirdly, I
am thoroughly offended at the implication made that my daughter will be a less
healthy, happy & balanced child based on my choice. I would never judge
anyone for the choices they make so am extremely insulted by the judgment implied
here. I don’t know how my daughter could be more loved or cherished by myself
or the people who surround & support us. Elena has her fair share of male
influence & a deep commitment from me & my family to ensure she never
feels lacking by not having a father.
Lastly, I resent the
implication that my choice is a consolation prize. “Poor Tiara, she wasn’t good
enough to snag a husband so had to resort to sperm donation.” Admittedly this
wasn’t how I expected my life to turn out, not because Choice Motherhood is a
second choice, but because it wasn’t an option I was ever aware of before a few
years ago. I, like many of my generation, grew up with the notion that you have
to meet Mr. Right (or Mr. Good Enough) in order to get married & have children.
So I spent copious amounts of my time, effort, emotions, meeting men, developing
relationships & working hard to make relationships work that were destined
to fail, all for the deep desire to have children & be a mother. If someone
had sat me down when I was eighteen years old & said, “Look Tiara, there
are more ways to become a mother than getting married.” If I had been made
aware of the options that would be available to me, I don’t believe I would
have devoted my twenties to trying to find Mr. Right. I don’t believe I would
have spent the first part of my thirties in such a deep depression, convincing
myself I must be worthless & unlovable because I hadn’t been able meet Mr.
Right.
When I choose Single
Motherhood, I didn’t give up on love. I took the desperation out of meeting Mr.
Right. I finally learned that one wasn’t dependant on the other & I could
be a mother, fulfill that dream & still hold hope that I’ll meet a life
partner someday. The most important part of this lesson I learned? Before, I
believed my happiness & the completeness of my life was contingent on this elusive
Mr. Right. I now know that my happiness solely rests in my hands & becoming
a mother has made me feel complete.
The fact that this site diminishes
my choices to promote their own is why it completely loses credibility with me.
Which is sad since I think the option of co-parenting is a great alternative that
many could benefit from.
There are many other issues
that come up regarding this site, so please, if you haven’t already, click over to Mel’s post. She is far more eloquent that me.
