Jealousy Sucks

Out of the 8 moms at Elena’s gymnastics class, 5 of them are pregnant…I thought I was past being jealous of pregnant women but no, it seems it’s been replaced by jealousy of women who get to have 2…or 3…or 5…it’s bad enough that I don’t relate to these women at all, being that they’re all at least 10 years younger than me…& married…now I have to smile politely while they discuss their pregnancies…of the other 2 moms that aren’t pregnant, 1 has started trying again (I suspect, based on her comments, that she might be pregnant but just not saying anything yet) & the other has 4 kids & is not having more children…then there’s me.

While they discuss & moan & giggle, I hug Elena close, so grateful to have her…& wallow in jealousy.

I don’t like feeling this way…it brings up other feelings I don’t like to feel…like guilt…I feel guilty for being jealous of not having more children, guilty that this implies that Elena isn’t enough…because Elena IS enough, her little life fills mine to overflowing with joy & contentedness.

I also feel sad…I don’t want to feel sad because it conflicts with that joy & contentedness. I have never in my whole life been happier than I am these days…so you understand why an undercurrent of sadness would annoy me. I’m sad Elena won’t have siblings…oh sure, she could decide to look for half siblings…but I’m sad that she won’t have any brothers or sisters to grow up with…and I’m sad that I don’t get to be pregnant again, breastfeed again...

This leads to feeling frustrated with myself because I really have come to terms with not having more children & knowing that decision is what is best for Elena & I. Knowing it’s the right decision isn’t the same as accepting it, I guess. I get frustrated because my mind wanders to “if only”…if only I’d become a SMC when I was younger, if only I had more time (biologically speaking), more money…

And those “if onlys” make me angry because, like I said, I have never been happier in my entire life. The only thing that could make me happier would be to be a SAHM…which, by the way, is another thing I’m jealous of: moms who get to stay home with their children. Elena is at such a fun age, despite the tantrums & obstinacy…& I hate having to be at work for most of her waking hours!!

Lastly, it’s the feeling of shame I get for being jealous…I have so much…I have what so many women want & don’t get...I’m ashamed for having it & wanting more.

Jealousy, guilt, sadness, anger, frustration, shame…I don’t want to feel this way…it’s a little grey cloud hanging over my otherwise happy & fulfilling life…I’d really rather just have the joy & contentedness.

I'm Not Going to Tell You

Every time I blog about how well anything is going, Elena will flip it on me…so…

I am not going to tell you how great Elena has been sleeping lately…I’ve phased out her afternoon nap…I started out by reducing it to only 1 hour, then no later than 2pm but after many nights of her being awake until 10 or 11pm, something had to give. Even staying up that late, she’d still be awake by 7-7:30am. As much as she seemed to need the rest of a nap, what was the point if she was only getting 8 hours of sleep at night? Without a nap, Elena is asleep by 7:30-8pm & will sleep until anywhere between 7-8am. Oh sure, she gets a wee bit grumpy come 6:30ish & bedtimes can still be challenging but I’ll take it since it affords me some much needed me time from 8pm until I head to bed about 10pm. The best part though is that she’s back to wanting to cuddle & have me rock her to sleep which I LOVE…selfish, I know.

I’m also not going to tell you how easy meals are now. Elena went through a phase recently where she would resist eating everything & anything…I tried giving her the chance to choose but that only worked half the time. She would fight & barely eat anything even her staples that she use to love. Thankfully she phased out of that & will now eat just about anything. She’s still not big on vegetables but I’d say she comes by that honestly since most of my family are not veggie eaters…she did however insist on trying some of my salad recently & liked it…now fruit…this girl cannot get enough fruit, she’ll eat just about any fruit & has even taken to not just eating Clementine oranges but peeling them herself!!

I am definitely not going to tell you that we seem to have a handle on tantrums lately. Elena definitely has her fair share of tantrums…she’s two after all…but using the Fast Food Rule & Toddler-ese from Happiest Toddler on the Block has made a world of difference & tantrums that use to run 5-10 minutes or longer can now be defused in moments…truly. The only time she has explosive tantrums is if I’m too lazy to employ these techniques…because I’m not going to lie to you, I feel pretty stupid doing it…especially if there are other people around. We’ve even gotten to the point that I don’t have to use Toddler-ese exactly, just verbalizing how she’s feeling seems to defuse the situation pretty quickly. And an added bonus, she prefers to curl up in my lap & let me hold her while she cries it out. A funny thing she does now, when she’s crying but no longer out of control upset, she’ll go to the mirror & look at herself crying, that cry turning into a dramatic, over the top fake cry…it’s hilarious!

What I am going to tell you…since it can’t be jinxed…is that I filed my taxes & thanks to having a dependent on a single income, I got a nice return…so I’ve rewarded us by purchasing another trip down south this winter…I got us a pretty good deal to Dominican Republic in November…I’m so excited! Anyone care to join us? Elena’s got her own seat this time so I’m hoping that will make the flight a bit easier. We’re also flying out of my town’s smaller airport so we won’t have to navigate a huge airport this time. It’s always nice to have something to look forward to!

Before that though, I am looking forward to this summer…if only we’d start getting some warmer weather!!!!

Picking a Preschool

I decided it would be a good idea for Elena to start preschool in September…that was the easy decision. I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to determine which preschool would be right for Elena.

As awesome as my Mom is for committing to care for Elena while I’m at work, it is a lot on her…more than that, Elena needs the opportunity to learn & socialize sooner than entering Junior Kindergarten. I believe her speech would improve if exposed more to other children her own age. I also believe that, no matter how much my Mother & I love Elena, it doesn’t change the fact that we have zero experience or training in early childhood education & don’t know the first thing about making sure Elena is learning what she needs to meet her best potential. I’m not just being a proud parent when I say that Elena is very intelligent & I know she needs more challenge & stimulation than what my Mom & I have to offer her.

I started out looking at Montessori schools…though very expensive, still affordable since I would be looking for just part time, 2 mornings a week. I believed they must be “the best”. I don’t know much about the Montessori philosophy & investigated these preschools purely based on that assumption that the must be “the best” because they were expensive & seemed, I don’t know, elite.

My brother convinced me that there were plenty of fine “regular” preschools & that I shouldn’t sell them short. Upon his suggestion I widened my search & looked at what else there was, including the “church basement” variety as he put it.

I was able to narrow the search down to 2 preschools that I would seriously consider…one in a centre type environment, the other a “church basement”.

The front runner in my mind from the start was the “church basement” one…though it was actually a synagogue. This piqued my interest since right off that would offer Elena an experience into another culture & religion. Theirs is a multicultural enrichment program. Their vision is to provide a safe, secure and loving place for children to learn, grow and develop. Their motto hooked me instantly, “The first pair of arms away from home should be the most loving”. Touring their classrooms, I was glad to see photos & quotes of Martin Luther King & Mahatma Gandhi among other along with various art prints. Meeting the teachers, I could feel the warmth & caring. The whole atmosphere was very family-like. They also have a Friday drop in program my Mom would be able to bring Elena to so that she is familiar & comfortable there come September. They have a fabulous outdoor area & get the kids out in the fresh air every day, weather permitting. I was also pleased with their non judgmental, practically non-reaction when I mentioned Elena was donor conceived. It came naturally to bring it up with them. Beyond that this was not new territory for them. They’ve had kids there from various back grounds & situations including twins with 2 moms. I just felt it in my gut that this was a good place.

I had to visit the other place…I couldn’t just pick the 1^st & only place I visited, right?

The Centre type place was good. I didn’t get a warm & fuzzy feeling there…but I didn’t get a bad feeling either. They’re located in a more upper class area & their price, though still less expensive than Montessori, reflected that. They didn’t have an outdoor play area or an outdoor program whatsoever. The owner was very friendly & obviously very knowledgeable, the other teacher just didn’t give off a good vibe…not a bad vibe…they both just came across a little condescending. The owner mentioned a lot of, “we’re thinking of doing this” & “I want to implement such & such”. She seemed to have a lot of great ideas but it came across as a little too much, it all seemed...forced. They also have a summer program Elena could attend but she would be on her own there right from the get go…I understand the logic of that but my Momma’s heart hurts at that thought.

Even as I’ve typed out these thoughts on both preschools, it was clear in my mind where I want Elena to begin her school experience…I bet you could tell too? What do you think? Any input or advice is very welcome…maybe I’ve missed something?

Elena Turns Two...

Elena’s 2^nd Birthday was awesome!! An absolute perfect day from beginning to end! This is how we started our day:

I stole the idea from Gille (I steal ideas a lot) & the video doesn’t even show the most precious part, she right away opens the door & calls for my mom as if to say, “Grandma, you have got to see this!!!!”

We then headed upstairs for breakfast & surprise #2…a larger than life Dora Balloon!!

After that we headed out to the Doctor’s office for Elena’s 2 year well baby visit…at a whopping 37 inches tall & 34 lbs, the Dr says Elena is the height & weight of an average 3 year old! It’s so precious to see her with other 2 year olds; she is usually a head taller than them all! I hope I can keep her from becoming self conscience about being a tall girl!

I was glad to be able to chat with the Dr about Elena’s language skills, or lack thereof…it’s not that I’m overly concerned as Elena definitely understands everything, much more than we sometimes give her credit for, but I worry that she’s lagging in vocabulary. I’ve mentioned before about Elena’s “Elenaglish” but wasn’t sure if that would count as speech…our Dr reassures me that any sound or “word” Elena uses consistently for something counts as a word…in this context, Elena has a vast vocabulary…it’s just we don’t understand 2/3 of it!! I grew up with a speech impediment & was in speech therapy until I was about 10 or 11 so I want her to have the benefit of that if she needs it. In my area there is an Early Words program. It is covered by our provincial healthcare & self referral so I’ve made that call, for peace of mind if nothing else. Our appointment isn’t until May though…

After the Dr we headed to Elena’s swimming lessons…Elena has lessons every Monday & my Mom takes her so I don’t usually have the benefit of going…I was worried that with me there, she would want me in the pool too, but I told her I’d watch from the viewing window & she was happy with that! She was so excited to have me there to watch & I was so glad to get to observe her. She really is a little fish & just loves the water! She jumps in, dunks her head & face, blows bubbles, slides down the slide, does her floats…she’s amazing! Aside from 1 public swim a month ago, I haven’t been in a pool with Elena since our trip in November & I am amazed by how far she’s come!!!

Next stop on our Birthday Extravaganza was home for lunch & a nap! When she woke up, we did presents & I gave her a Radio Flyer Balance Bike (this idea I stole from Claire)!!

Then it was time for cake!

"Cool cake! Can I touch it?!!?"

" 'kay...how 'bout now?"

"Now?"

"NOW!!!"

"Yummy!!"

In case you hadn’t picked up on it, Elena is all about Dora the Explorer lately!

It really was an awesome day!

This past Sunday, we got together with my brother & his family & that was a great day as well…we went to Maple Towne…very Canadian!! It was a beautiful day & we had a tease of Spring with 20 degree temperatures (Celsius, 68 degrees Fahrenheit for my US friends)!

There was an amazing play barn!

Yes, even at 20 degrees I made her
wear her toque...there was snow
on the ground still!

We had to cross a railway track to get from the Conservation Centre to the Sugar Bush & on the way back we got to see a train pass up close & personal! My 1^st thought was of Tate & I snapped a few photos…

If I hadn’t been so concerned with keeping Elena back, I would have had the presence of mind to video it…but I was so afraid she was going to run up to it! (I had a horrible flashback to a movie I watched as a child, The Dollmaker with Jane Fonda, in which a child was run over by a train. It scared the crap out of me back then & out of nowhere the image popped into my brain as this train passed.) On that happy note…

We also had our photos done…we’ve used the same photographer since Elena was born & she is amazing!

It really was the best 2^nd Birthday for Elena…I was most touched by how many people wanted to celebrate her birthday with us & spoil her with presents. We are blessed to have so many great people in our lives! Having so many people want to be a part of her birthday (both the day of as well as separate get togethers) really made me feel so very lucky.

The fact that Elena is now 2 years old is still sinking in for me…as the days & weeks pass, it doesn’t feel like they are going by too fast…I feel like I am drinking in every moment & enjoying life with Elena to the fullest (yes, even the rough patches)…but when I think about the fact that she’s been in my life for 2 years (plus 39 weeks & 2 days)…it’s unfathomable! A part of me feels that Elena’s always been a part of my life…then again, it feels like just yesterday I was pregnant! I am just so very grateful for every single moment.

A Year in Pictures...

 

Today is Elena's 2nd Birthday!!!!!

Let's see...where'd we leave off last year? Ah, yes...

 

March 4, 2012

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

January

February

 

Happy Birthday, my Precious Girl!!

I love you so very very much!

 

Marshmallows...for Breakfast

That’s what Elena had this morning.

Don’t judge.

I said no to her request for cookies, pudding & ice cream.

& I convinced her to have cherry yogurt first.

What happened to my good little eater? It’s not like she would eat just anything but she had a nice variety of foods she was happy to gobble up without complaint…now for almost 2 weeks she barely eats anything at all & is refusing even her most favourite staples!

Is this another byproduct of the terrible twos?

We did have a triad of issues pop up this week…1) her last set of molars are in. Thankfully I think that means all of them…I haven’t been able to get a good look & sticking my fingers in is dangerous stuff these days! 2) As always while Elena is teething, she’s ended up with cankers from chewing on her cheeks. 3^rd) She had pinkeye this week though I don’t see how this would affect her appetite except that she of course ended up with a minor cold along with it.

I’m more of a mind to suspect that her refusal to eat is more likely another way for Elena to express her independence. Or maybe it’s a little of both…either way I refuse to make meal time a battle ground…but I won’t let her just eat junk either. If she’s willing to eat junk & refuses proper food then it’s definitely a defiance issue & not an appetite issue, right?

My strategy for this (what I hope is a) phase? I’m remembering advice our Dr gave when I was introducing solids: It is up to me to offer healthy choices & it is up to me to offer these choices frequently…it is up to her how much she eats & when. She won’t starve.

This worked then & by not forcing the issue or getting stressed out, she became a very good eater & learned this wasn’t a button she can push with me. What I hate is that sometimes the only way to get her to eat the good stuff is a promise of junk…hence the marshmallows. It was the only way I could get her to eat the yogurt...& usually she LOVES yogurt!

Of course we’re still having other issues but I do feel better equipped to deal with them. Thanks to Shannon’s review , I have ordered Happiest Toddler on the Block & upon Mel’s suggestion I also ordered No-Cry Discipline Solution. (Plus a book for Elena’s Birthday, thanks for the suggestion, Gille!)

The one thing that is working really well is Toddler speak (?) where I verbalize to Elena what she’s upset for, “Elena doesn’t want to clean up the toys” which has headed off many a tantrum lately…however there are times when she goes off & I have absolutely no idea WHY she’s so upset or WHAT set her off!! That is when my patience is shortest & frustration is highest.

I know the biggest source of Elena’s frustration stems from her lack of vocabulary…she has her own language (Elenaglish, I call it) but I only understand her a third of the time.

Like tonight at dinner, I was asking what she wanted, another strategy for eating, she’s more likely to eat something if it’s of her choosing…anyway, she’s saying “Ba”…& I have no clue what she wants! But she keeps saying it over & over so I do what I often do, I ask her to SHOW me…well she walks me down the stairs to the garage door. I’m perplexed! Until I realize she’s guided me to the freezer (we keep it in the garage)…light bulb!! I ask, “Pizza?” She squeals with delight & responds, “Uh huh, Ba!!!” REALLY??!! How the hell was I supposed to know that Ba was Pizza??

Ah, toddlers…my books can't get here fast enough!!

Sleep Shenanigans

Seems there have been quite a few posts in the blogosphere lately on the topic of sleep…it’s comforting that moms seem to have sleep issues across the board & it’s not just an Elena & Me problem. We have our ups & downs…good nights & bad…but I feel like I have a better perspective now for dealing & definitely not being so hard on myself about it helps enormously.

A bit of sleep history...Elena was born & my hazy sleep deprived memory is that she didn’t sleep for 4 weeks & neither did I…oh I know we must have but all I remember is feeling like we’d never sleep again.

About 2 weeks old...see, she did sleep, I guess.

In hindsight I believe that Elena had reflux issues. When reading about babies with this, I see the symptoms Elena had & the best sleep during that time was when she was upright in her bouncy chair or while being held.

Also, when we saw the pediatrician at 4 weeks old, the Dr confirmed Elena had had a broken clavicle from birth. It had healed fine but would definitely have made her very uncomfortable those first weeks. I also took Elena to a chiropractor & she had a slight misalignment he was able to adjust & it did seem to make a difference. And we got a swing where she would sleep quite well.

Then there were her gas issues but getting her a soother, giving her gripe water & me drinking copious amounts of Fennel Tea helped in that department…but she still would NOT sleep in her bassinet but slept well if I was holding her…so that is what I did out of sheer survival & her stretches of sleep became longer & longer. I remember at one point she was sleeping for 10-12 hours or more…oh how blissful that was!!

At about 8-10 weeks I started shifting her from sleeping on me to on the bed…it was challenging. I heated her space with a heating pad, had the fan going for white noise, etc…I was never able to get her to sleep in her crib but had success putting her in my bed & so my decision to co-sleep.

I would nurse her to sleep & she would sleep on me while I watched TV until I was ready to go to bed. She would sleep better if I was close by so I got in the habit of often going to bed with her then reading by flashlight in the bedroom. During this time she would also nap on me in our easy boy as she would sleep longer than if I tried to put her down.

I forget when exactly but between 6 to 9 months, once she was mobile, we hit the challenge of her being safe in my bed without her crawling/falling out. I’m pretty sure it was a post by Gille that inspired me to sidecar the crib to my bed. The crib was convertible anyway from crib to toddler bed to double bed so I removed the one side & pushed it up against my bed, her mattress butted up against mine but slightly lower. This has worked out so well for us!

When Elena was 11 months & the end of my Mat Leave was fast approaching, I knew we had to get a handle on her sleeping on her own & not on me…at naps at the very least since I couldn’t expect my Mom to do this while I was at work.

I would still nurse/rock her to sleep but then I would always transfer her either to the bed, couch or even the floor but at least not on me…she transitioned fairly well. I still remember the day in February 2012 that she slept a first proper nap in bed & feeling so proud of her & me.

Asleep in the easy boy...not on me

Asleep on the floor...not on me

Napping in bed for the 1st time!!

Once we started weaning, she wouldn’t fall asleep while we were in front of the TV like we use to, too stimulating I’m sure. I moved my easy boy into our bedroom & started rocking her to sleep & my Mom would also do this for naps. We had a good long stretch of success with this. Oh sure, we had some bad nights but for the most part we did really well. I’d rock her & in 5-10 minutes she’d be out, I’d put her in bed & have the rest of the evening to myself, life was good.

Phew, that was more than a bit of a history, lol…anyway, then 20 months hit & Elena started to invent new & often creative delay tactics…she would fight it, she would thwart me in every technique I tried…I became more & more frustrated.

Since my confessional post, I started to look at things in a new light. I realized I’d set a standard of Elena falling asleep in 5-10 minutes & when it’d take 40 minutes or an hour I was feeling like a failure. It was Shannon who made me realize that if it takes 40 minutes than it takes 40 minutes, nothing wrong with that.

All of a sudden about 3 weeks ago, rocking wouldn’t work anymore, I’m talking 2 hours or more & Elena would still be wide awake. I tried CIO for 3 nights by putting up a gate in the bedroom door...with zero success & it reinforced in myself why CIO isn't a technique for us. Aside from how gut wrenching it was to hear Elena cry for so long, it was more than just her usual cry…she was seriously upset & hysterical. This is not how I wanted Elena to go to sleep. Ever. Not in such a state of distress. This was not how I wanted to end our day & very limited time together. She has her teenage years to cry herself to sleep, lol! For now, I want her to go to sleep in a state of calm.

For a few nights, I just went to bed but I knew I couldn’t start that again & besides, she would still be awake for hours! My SIL had made a comment that my brother would just tell their boys to stay in bed or there would be trouble & they did…I thought, “Yeah right, not my kid.” But after 3 or 4 nights of going to bed at 7:30pm, me drifting off then waking an hour later & Elena still being awake, me drifting off again & waking around 10pm & Elena still being awake…I was ready to try anything. I was missing my quiet evening me-time…time for myself to unwind & get things done.

So one night, we did our usual routine:

·         Bath (not every night though)

·         Watch “Bear in the Big Blue House” & have yogurt

·         Put on jammies

·         Brush teeth

·         Get into bed

·         Read no less than 3 books

·         Cuddle in the rocking chair

When she hit the point she usually starts fighting & resisting sleep, I put her in her bed, kissed her, told her I loved her, told her it was time to sleep & told her she must stay in bed…& I walked out of the room.

I went into the kitchen & made my lunch for the next day & waited…after a few minutes I went back in, she wasn’t asleep yet but she was in bed. I told her it was time to sleep & to stay in bed. I then went into the living room & waited…she was asleep within an hour.

Now she goes to sleep most every night on her own…some nights she falls asleep sooner than others…some nights I never know what I’ll find when I go to bed, like the night I found her like this:

Or this:

that's her feet sticking out of the crib bars

And my new favourite...things were really quiet the other night & I wishfully thought Elena had fallen asleep quickly...when I checked in on her:

Notice the Crayon Art on the wall behind her...it wasn't there when I put her to bed.

Some nights are better than others…a few she’s actually let me rock her to sleep like old times...she’s sleeping well most nights & it does make me pretty proud that she transitioned to putting herself to sleep without any force or coercion from me. I have had to threaten to put up the gate & have had to follow thru a couple of times as hard as that is on both of us…& I’ve learned that sleep will probably be an ever fluctuating piece of the parenting experience...it's not about success or failure though. It's more ebb & flow...good nights & bad...ever changing & tweeking of routines...