Out of the 8 moms at Elena’s gymnastics class, 5 of them are pregnant…I thought I was past being jealous of pregnant women but no, it seems it’s been replaced by jealousy of women who get to have 2…or 3…or 5…it’s bad enough that I don’t relate to these women at all, being that they’re all at least 10 years younger than me…& married…now I have to smile politely while they discuss their pregnancies…of the other 2 moms that aren’t pregnant, 1 has started trying again (I suspect, based on her comments, that she might be pregnant but just not saying anything yet) & the other has 4 kids & is not having more children…then there’s me.
While they discuss & moan & giggle, I hug Elena close, so grateful to have her…& wallow in jealousy.
I don’t like feeling this way…it brings up other feelings I don’t like to feel…like guilt…I feel guilty for being jealous of not having more children, guilty that this implies that Elena isn’t enough…because Elena IS enough, her little life fills mine to overflowing with joy & contentedness.
I also feel sad…I don’t want to feel sad because it conflicts with that joy & contentedness. I have never in my whole life been happier than I am these days…so you understand why an undercurrent of sadness would annoy me. I’m sad Elena won’t have siblings…oh sure, she could decide to look for half siblings…but I’m sad that she won’t have any brothers or sisters to grow up with…and I’m sad that I don’t get to be pregnant again, breastfeed again...
This leads to feeling frustrated with myself because I really have come to terms with not having more children & knowing that decision is what is best for Elena & I. Knowing it’s the right decision isn’t the same as accepting it, I guess. I get frustrated because my mind wanders to “if only”…if only I’d become a SMC when I was younger, if only I had more time (biologically speaking), more money…
And those “if onlys” make me angry because, like I said, I have never been happier in my entire life. The only thing that could make me happier would be to be a SAHM…which, by the way, is another thing I’m jealous of: moms who get to stay home with their children. Elena is at such a fun age, despite the tantrums & obstinacy…& I hate having to be at work for most of her waking hours!!
Lastly, it’s the feeling of shame I get for being jealous…I have so much…I have what so many women want & don’t get...I’m ashamed for having it & wanting more.
Jealousy, guilt, sadness, anger, frustration, shame…I don’t want to feel this way…it’s a little grey cloud hanging over my otherwise happy & fulfilling life…I’d really rather just have the joy & contentedness.