Out of the 8 moms at Elena’s gymnastics class,
5 of them are pregnant…I thought I was past being jealous of pregnant women but
no, it seems it’s been replaced by jealousy of women who get to have 2…or 3…or
5…it’s bad enough that I don’t relate to these women at all, being that they’re
all at least 10 years younger than me…& married…now I have to smile
politely while they discuss their pregnancies…of the other 2 moms that aren’t
pregnant, 1 has started trying again (I suspect, based on her comments, that
she might be pregnant but just not saying anything yet) & the other has 4
kids & is not having more children…then there’s me.
While they discuss & moan & giggle, I
hug Elena close, so grateful to have her…& wallow in jealousy.
I don’t like feeling this way…it brings up
other feelings I don’t like to feel…like guilt…I feel guilty for being jealous
of not having more children, guilty that this implies that Elena isn’t enough…because
Elena IS enough, her little life fills mine to overflowing with joy &
contentedness.
I also feel sad…I don’t want to feel sad
because it conflicts with that joy & contentedness. I have never in my
whole life been happier than I am these days…so you understand why an
undercurrent of sadness would annoy me. I’m sad Elena won’t have siblings…oh
sure, she could decide to look for half siblings…but I’m sad that she won’t
have any brothers or sisters to grow up with…and I’m sad that I don’t get to be
pregnant again, breastfeed again...
This leads to feeling frustrated with myself
because I really have come to terms with not having more children & knowing
that decision is what is best for Elena & I. Knowing it’s the
right decision isn’t the same as accepting it, I guess. I get frustrated because my mind
wanders to “if only”…if only I’d become a SMC when I was younger, if only I had
more time (biologically speaking), more money…
And those “if onlys” make me angry because,
like I said, I have never been happier in my entire life. The only thing that
could make me happier would be to be a SAHM…which, by the way, is another thing
I’m jealous of: moms who get to stay home with their children. Elena is at such
a fun age, despite the tantrums & obstinacy…& I hate having to be at
work for most of her waking hours!!
Lastly, it’s the feeling of shame I get for
being jealous…I have so much…I have what so many women want & don’t get...I’m ashamed for having it & wanting more.
Jealousy, guilt, sadness, anger, frustration,
shame…I don’t want to feel this way…it’s a little grey cloud hanging over my
otherwise happy & fulfilling life…I’d really rather just have the joy &
contentedness.
It's so hard to battle those little demons, isn't it? I think to some degree we all have them, whether we admit it or not. If it's not one thing it's something else. If it's not today, it's tomorrow. I honestly hope I don't have jealousy after this pregnancy is over, but a part of me has this feeling that every time I go to my OB for my yearly exam, I'll be jealous of all the pregnant bellies around me...even though we are done with 2. Don't feel bad about having those feeling, of course E is enough and no one would question the way you feel.
ReplyDeleteI can understand how you're feeling. Even though I'm pregnant right now, I still get jealous of women who talk about trying for their next one, knowing full well that this baby will be my one and only. I have the same feelings of guilt you do about that, but feelings are what they are. It's not wrong to wish that you could raise another child and give Elena a sibling. It certainly doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother.
ReplyDeleteYou know I hear you, sister! As you well know I've made the decision to pursue #2 and I'm thrilled to not be nagged by that desire anymore...but I know damned well that this could all go very badly, very quickly, and I will then have to face the unpleasant reality of knowing that I tried, and failed, for a second child, while watching all my friends have 2, 3 + and watching them get to grow up together. And knowing that had I been married, younger, etc etc, I could have made it happen. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. In my case, given I am much older than most bloggers here, I know my baby will be an only child. I feel bad about it too :-(
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel the same way, even after 2. (And yes, I know that isn't exactly the same thing--I don't mean to imply it is.) I remember after my 6 week follow-up OB appt, standing at the receptionist window and wondering why she wasn't making my next appointment. "Just give us a call next year for your annual." I was so sad that I was no longer an OB patient. Just a yearly GYN visitor. There's no explaining feelings. They just are. And yours, all of yours, deserve to be honored.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, when I brought home my second, I felt strongly that I'd ruined my first's life. No private school, no trips to Europe...nothing but a screaming sibling and perpetually sleep-deprived mother. And you know what? As great as life is being a mom to two...I sometimes still feel that way. Still think about the what-ifs. It's a crazy roller-coaster. You just have to let yourself feel and understand that thoughts/feelings come and go but a mother's love is forever. Your daughter couldn't ask for a better mom.
Don't be ashamed of your feelings. It's perfectly okay to be jealous when someone gets to have something that you want.
ReplyDeleteAnd wanting a sibling for Elena doesn't mean that she's not enough for you. It's obvious you love and cherish her, of course you'd want her to have a sibling to grow up with, someone to add even more love to both your lives.
I think it's okay to dream about (or mourn for) what might have been even while you are absolutely in love with what is.
I remember when the thought of a second child first crossed my mind and it was immediately followed by -when did J stop being enough? I struggled with that but I think what it is is that they are way more than enough and the greatest things that we sound like the little girl from that commercial - we want more, we want more. We know we have such a good thing that wanting to have more is only logical, right?
ReplyDeleteI still get jealous of certain situations and I hate that but like was mentioned above, you got let yourself feel it and work through it.
Hugs - I know just how you feel! I am constantly wishing I started this earlier, and wishing for two. For BB and for me. When I was pregnant with the baby I miscarried I also felt guilty, like - how could I do this to BB? I think parenting is riddled with guilt because you always want to do it better. Luckily it is also full of joy! And we are very lucky mummies!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I want to tell you all the things I get jealous of because there are lots. But mostly today I just want to tell you that I am in awe of you and think you are an amazing person and that I don't know how you do it as a single mom. And not just a single mom, but just a really really really good mom. She's so lucky to have you, and people should be jealous of you two.
ReplyDeleteI think it's okay (and good!) to honor those feelings that you have. They do NOT mean that Elena isn't enough, or that you're not grateful enough. Just because you came to a decision doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have regrets. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think it's normal. And I reckon that a lot of moms that have two go on to have regrets either that they didn't stick with one, or that they can't go on to have three. There will always be the path you didn't choose.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the best you can for Elena. And it won't be perfect. And that's okay. It will be more than good enough.
But it's okay to be sad.
I understand how you feel. I admit I stayed away from this post a while because I was in the I will not have a second child phase, and I am not yet ready to give up that dream. I go to a homeschooling group where most mothers are much younger and there always seems to be someone pregnant and/or someone who has just given birth. I do still very much hope to be a mother again, but am also starting to come to terms with the fact that maybe it won't happen.
ReplyDeleteI feel like jealousy sort of became a habit for me - a souvenir from my infertility. Even after my daughter, and even now that I'm pregnant again, I still have a reaction when I see pregnant bellies. It's very strange. I'm trying to retrain my brain to have a different response when I see pregnant people, but after those years of infertility, it's hard to feel anything different, even now that I have a child.
ReplyDeleteI totally get this. I don't think I'll ever process "normal" pregnant people the same way after all we've been through. I admire your honesty and bravery in dealing with these emotions head-on.
ReplyDeleteWhen my first was born I immediately (as in, the nurse was walking over to the scale to weigh him seconds after he was out) thought "I want another one." We want what we want, and sometimes there is no rhyme or reason - and it certainly does not mean that she isn't enough or that there is anything not-normal about how you feel.
ReplyDelete