It was 1 year ago today…I'd learned of my impending loss the day before but it was 1 year ago today that the pain & physical evidence of it started. I had never before experienced such all consuming physical & emotional pain at the same time. It was all so overwhelming…dealing with feelings of failure & self-blame, feeling so empty & lost…all while having to endure the anguish of my body expelling the life I had already begun to love. I secluded myself…turned inside myself & suffered alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to have to listen to their pity & platitudes…I didn’t feel like I deserved their love & compassion. I had started to question whether I should pursue this dream of motherhood. I hadn’t been prepared for this loss & grief. I endured those days of physical pain & emotional turmoil then stuffed it deep down inside & moved on…but the grief took longer to deal with…I’m still dealing…1 year later & I still grieve the loss of my 1st pregnancy…would it hurt more if I’d had subsequent losses? I don’t know…I’m sure it would…but does it hurt any less now?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Before Elena, I’d had a lot of experience with children of all ages…as a teenager, I babysat a great deal & even nannied one summer for a newborn…I have been very involved with both my nephews since their births & my very good friend has 2 boys that I also have been around since their births…as prepared as all of this experience made me feel, it’s so very different when it’s a child of my own that I’m dealing with…I had all of these preconceived ideas about how I would do things…a list of stuff I would & wouldn’t do…did you feel that whoosh? That was my preconceived ideas & list of woulds & wouldn’ts flying out the window!!
I never wanted to give a pacifier to my child…Elena uses a pacifier…She’s a comfort nurser & likes to be on my boob for comfort & will overeat to the point of making herself sick…I was afraid to give her a pacifier because of all the info out there that says it will interfere with breast feeding…it hasn’t interfered at all, she still breast feeds without any trouble & now, between feedings, when she’s fussy & wants to comfort nurse we have an alternative that works. She doesn’t always take the pacifier & that’s how I know she’s upset for another reason.
I never wanted to give my child “elixirs” like Gripe Water…I give Elena Gripe Water…she’s a gassy little girl & needs the help getting her toots out…watching her suffer & not being able to help her was heartbreaking for me…now that she doesn’t have to struggle to get her toots out, she’s a happier girl.
I didn’t think I’d need things like a rocking chair or baby swing…I have borrowed a rocking chair & bought a second hand swing…my back was killing me from having to walk & bounce Elena to comfort her…Elena is just as soothed & comforted now by us rocking in the chair. The swing has been great for when Elena is awake…now I don’t have to constantly hold her. Some of my favourite times now are sitting in front of the swing & having face to face interaction with Elena…she’s starting to smile & react to my voice…it’s the best time for me to read to her.
There’s a ton of other things too & I’m sure that there’ll be a ton more over the coming weeks, months & years…it’s made me learn not to feel guilty for changing my mind & exploring other options…& that would be the only advice I’ll ever offer to new Moms (& Dads)…don’t feel guilty for changing your mind & trying things you never thought you would. Follow your instincts & you’ll always do what’s best for your child.
Elena saw the Chiropractor on Wednesday last week & there were 2 spots on her spine that he adjusted…what a difference it made…she doesn’t seem to struggle as much to expel her gas & it doesn’t seem as painful for her to push it out. He also identified a spot on her mid-back that had a muscle knot & I’ve been rubbing it out with gentle pressure & she seems so much more comfortable.
Elena also saw the Pediatrician on Thursday for the results of her renal ultrasound…her right kidney is still dilated but still at just 3mm which means it hasn’t changed as she’s grown so there’s no cause for concern…we’ll check it again at 1 year. The Dr also weighed her & she’s 10 lbs 4 oz now!! She’s also grown a whole centimeter in length!
The best news of all this week…Friday night, Elena slept most of the night only waking up to feed then going right back down & she’s done that every night since!! She must be in a growth spurt too since she’s wanting to feed every 2 hours again…but she’ll sleep from 7pm to midnight or 1am so I get my butt in bed by about 8:30 or 9pm & get a good sleep & am able to get back to sleep after her feeds thru the night…it’s also fun having Elena awake & playful during the day.
Things are finally beginning to feel routine…less stressful & hard…& the weather is finally starting to get nice enough for us to get out walking!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
...and I had no idea...how did I miss this? I didn't hear a peep about Ms Taylor's passing until I was standing in line at the Pharmacy & saw the People's Magazine tribute to her...I was so shocked I turned to my Mom & said, a little too loudly, "Liz Taylor died?!?!?!" I would have expected there be a total media blitz a la Michael Jackson for her so am baffled that I missed this!!
Elena is One Month Old today!!! One Month already!! We're doing pretty good...Elena had her 4 week check up & she is doing great, weighing in at 9 lbs 7 oz now...she had her renal ultrasound on Wednesday...you may recall that when she was inutero, her right kidney had been dilated...we don't get results until this Thursday but Elena was a superstar & didn't cry at all!!
Elena still has her days & nights mixed up...we had a couple of rough nights last week...I was afraid she was becoming colicy but she's just gassy...I have started drinking fennel tea regularly & found some alcohol free all natural Gripe water that seems to be doing the trick...plus she'll sleep for 4-5 hours after being up during the night so that's a good stretch of sleep for me. I've made an appointment for Elena to see a chiropractor...I've read that they can help with gassiness...hopefully it'll help Elena.