Saturday, April 28, 2012

Sibling Rivalry

This is a post that has been swirling around in my head for quite some time…growing up I always believed that I would have no less than 6 kids…in my twenties I realized that 3 or 4 kids might be more practical…upon turning 30 I was losing hope but still thought 2 were in my future…as 35 approached I was starting to think there actually might be none & that was extremely hard to accept…but then hope reemerged when I decided to become a SMC.

It never occurred to me that I could have 2 children as a SMC…I’m not really sure why…it almost seemed, I don’t know, against the “rules” or something? That is why, even though I put on the appropriate, “I sure hope I don’t have multiples” front, I secretly hoped for twins, triplets even…I’m a little ashamed (& even afraid) to admit it that my decision to use Clomid instead of trying a few natural cycles was based on the increase chance of multiples.

After miscarrying, my perspective changed. I wanted a child & I wouldn’t tempt fate by wishing for more. The cycle I got pregnant with Elena, I had 1 follicle so I knew there was no chance for multiples. I wasn’t disappointed in any way…I just knew that it meant I’d have one child. Throughout my pregnancy it was always in the back of my mind that it would be the only time I would experience it. When I think back on labour & delivery, I sometimes catch myself thinking, “next time”…before I remember, there won’t be a next time…

When my periods started again in January, I couldn’t help but wonder…would it be possible to get pregnant again? The realization that I won’t ever know hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s put me in a bit of a funk lately…even though I know it’s what’s best for us. I can provide a very comfortable life for just the 2 of us…I am able to contribute to retirement savings, I’ve started an education fund for Elena…I’ve even began saving for future travel I dream of doing with Elena. I couldn’t do any of that if there were 3 of us…not to mention 100% of my love, attention, wisdom, etc.

Recently, curiosity got the best of my & I looked up Elena’s donor…just to see…he’s no longer available. Even if I wanted to, I could not create a full sibling for Elena…Elena will never have a full sibling. This made me start wondering if she would become interested in knowing half siblings…should I start looking now? Curiosity got the best of me again & I searched on the Donor Sibling Registry…only 2 entries, one from a couple looking for more vials of our donor…& an entry from the donor himself. I’m not sure how I feel about all of that…

Anyway, I am going to be a single mom of an only child. Most of the time I am just so grateful to be a mother at all; occasionally I feel regret seep in…regret that Elena will be an only child, regret I won’t get a second chance to experience pregnancy & labour…to deny it would be unfair to myself…but when I really start thinking about it, I believe in my heart that it’s the right choice for us. It wasn’t an easy choice to make…it’s been even harder to accept…but I think I am coming to terms with it. I just hope Elena understands…

Monday, April 23, 2012

Purple-Crayon-Poo Part Two

I called the Dr's office today to see if results were in on Elena's purple-crayon-poo sample...drum roll please...negative. When the nurse said this the 1st thought that went thru my mind was, "Negative for purple crayons?" But of course she meant the results were negative for any abnormalities. Which is good just means my kid has interestingly coloured know, just to keep things interesting.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

SMC on the Prairie

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, I LOVE Little House on the Prairie! It has been on repeats for a while on CTS & I have been watching some favourite past makes me smile that now Elena gets excited for that opening music & loves to watch Mary, Laura & Carrie run down that hill, she even giggles sometimes when Carrie falls.

Recently the 2 Part Episode, Remember Me, was on...this is the one where Patricia Neal stars as the Widow Sanderson, she's dying & asks Charles to find a family for her 3 children, John, Carl & Alicia. He does his best but is unable to find a family that will take all 3 children.

The part of the episode I found most interesting was that Charles considered allowing Mrs. Olsen's cousin from Minnesota to adopt Alicia...Mrs. Olsen's cousin was a SINGLE WOMAN. This is an episode written in the mid-seventies about life in the the 1870s. Though brief, it was nice to see a positive portrayal of a SMC, especially on my favourite show!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Good News

No, I haven't received results on Elena's purple-crayon-poo yet but thank you all so much for your comments. You know you've made some dear friends when they are as interested in your kid's poo-poo as you are, lol! And just for the record, it never occured to me to take photos so rest assured that you'll never see pictures of poo-poo on my blog!

The good news is regarding Elena's right may recall that in utero they identified it as being dilated & when she had an ultrasound at 1 month old it was still 3mm dilated. Well, Elena had an ultrasound again & no more dilation!! Yeah!!

We also learned Elena is 2 feet 8 inches tall now & 25 lbs! She's off the percentile chart for height & in the 98th percentile for weight...I guess that's what you get when you combine my 5'8" genes with Elena's donor's 6'4" genes! The Dr kept saying, "She's a tall girl!!"

I hope everyone is having a great Easter...Elena went on her 1st Easter Egg Hunt yesterday...what a blast! I have to say that yesterday was one of my all time favourite days since Elena was born! Just an all around perfect day!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Poo Poo

Be forewarned, this is a post about Elena’s poo-poo…yes, I choose to use the term poo-poo…sure I could use shit or stool but poo-poo makes me giggle in a way that shit or stool just don’t…anyhoo, I can’t remember if I ever blogged about or eluded to the fact that Elena has some funky poos…& I don’t mean that they smell…they do smell…but that’s not what I’m talking about…yet*…

Not too long after Elena started on solid foods, we had a bit of a scare wherein I thought there was blood in Elena’s poo-poo. You see, she started having black poos…so worried was I that I took her & her “bloody poo” diaper to the on-call Dr…said Dr looked at the “bloody poo” & my rambunctious, then 7ish month old & said everything seemed fine & to follow up with my Family Doc…I began collecting Elena’s poopy diapers & brought her & them to our Family Doc the following day…upon closer inspection it became obvious that these definitely weren’t bloody poos…to give you a visual it looked as tho Elena must have eaten a black or indigo blue or purple crayon. I can assure you with 100% certainty that Elena had not nor ever has eaten any crayons, let alone black, blue or purple ones. The Dr shrugged & dismissed it as nothing to worry about.

I worried…I’m a worrier…& Elena continued to have purple-crayon-poos…I adjusted her food…removed items, reintroduced them…nothing changed her purple-crayon-poos…except when she had that stomach bug & didn’t eat anything for 2 days, no purple-crayon-poos then…hummmm…so at every Dr appointment I would bring it up & question it & each time the Dr would shrug & say that’s just how Elena rolls…or poos…or whatever…

Cut to last week, my Mom took Elena to the Dr for her needles (because she was sick at her 1yr check up)…now I’m a little shady in the details since my Mom is just not a details person & she related the story to me but the Dr mentions that Elena appeared anemic** due to how pale she is but after checking Elena’s eyes disregards this idea & recalls that I too am very pale…however my Mom brings up the purple-crayon-poos & the Dr says, “Well we should run a test on that.” HELLO?!?!?!? Ya think!!! I don’t know what was different about what I’d been saying & what my Mom said but whatever, at least we were finally getting the purple-crayon-poos some attention!!!

I came home from work Thursday & my Mom presented me with a purple-crayon-poo-sample-collection-kit (that’s not the official name for it, BTW in case you were going to Google it)…& that was the highlight of my weekend. Never to be one to do anything half-assed either, I was sure to collect samples from the most purplest poos too! I’ll be interested to know what the results are…

*Don’t worry, I’m not actually going to blog about how much Elena’s poo stinks…this time anyway ;)
**Elena still gets iron fortified baby cereal every morning so I can be sure she receives her daily requirement since she’s not consistent with her meat intake.