Friday, October 10, 2014

1st Anniversary of my 39th Birthday

When I was turning 30, I did not want to acknowledge it...for a few years, I didn't say I was celebrating a birthday, instead I'd say I was marking the X anniversary of my 29th birthday. I didn't like who I was when I was 30 & I didn't like where I was in life. I had nothing I thought I'd have by that point in my life. I felt I had no purpose or direction. 

Now, today, I turned 40. I am glad to be forty....wait, what did I just say? Yup, you heard me correctly. I am glad. I feel like it's a huge accomplishment & I am proud to have made it here. There was a point in my life that I truly didn't think I'd see 40. And now here I am & I could not ask for anything better. I have a job that I enjoy, family & friends whom are priceless...& I have Elena. 

Today was an awesome day! I got to wake up to the smiles & giggles of my amazing daughter. After seeing her off to preschool, I got to go back to bed! And sleep for another THREE hours!! Talk about luxury!

Elena surprised me when she got home from school (with my mom's help, of course) with a bunch of balloons! And the most perfect card!

We then headed off to the Rockton World's Fair! Let me tell you, there is no better way to feel young when turning 40 than to ride a bunch of amusement rides with a 3 year old! It felt so amazing to laugh and scream with my little girl!

We then met up with some friends to watch the Demolition Derby...Elena had her first Funnel Cake & we got to ride some more rides (at night, in the dark! Elena was in awe!) before heading home. My exhausted girl was asleep before we left the parking lot & didn't even wake up when I carried her inside, put her into her pajamas & slid her into bed.

Today was the most perfect way to turn 40!!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I'm Late!!


Since I am neither TTC nor engaging in sexual activity of any kind for that matter, this is only significant to mention because my cycles have been wonky for a while & I want to talk about it.

Before TTC in 2010, my cycles were very regular, like clockwork, 28 days bang on. Upon getting my BFP in June 2010, I didn’t have another period until January 2012. They started out pretty normal until last year. They started getting shorter, averaging 24-25 days. They were light & only mildly crampy with barely there PMS symptoms.

This was during a time I was trying to reconcile myself to being one & done. It was a factor in helping me get to acceptance as I thought my body was telling me that it wouldn’t have happened anyway. It felt like easy logic.

I started getting vicious PMS…I’m talking major hormonal meltdowns. I felt out of control emotionally, like a raging lunatic. It reminded me of when I was pregnant & when I weaned Elena. It felt more than PMS too. It wasn’t just in the days leading up to my period either. It seemed to rear up around ovulation. I couldn’t trust myself. I convinced myself I was heading into perimenopause.

Then my cycles started inching back to 28 days and for the first time since before getting pregnant, I started getting tender breast, tender being an understatement. I mean, my girls! Ouch! It all felt like my body was primed for conception.

For months now time feels like it is on fast forward. Time feels marked by my cycles. One just seems to end when another starts. Even though I’m not TTC, I feel this pressure like I should be. That each month that passes is a waste of a last chance. A monthly reminder of what could have been. It’s frustrating because I’m truly content now with it being Elena & I. I do feel our family is complete.

I am now 3 weeks away from the first anniversary of my 39th birthday…oh fine, make me say it! My 40th birthday! I am, for all intents & purposes, comfortable in turning 40. Turning 30 was extremely hard because I was nowhere near where I thought I would have or should have been. Now, I have everything I’d hoped for…well except for romantic love but there’s still time for that….Any-hoooo, basically it feels like I’m living the dream…my dream, & then every month I get zapped, testing my resolve. I blame the hormones.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Apart at the Seams - Book Tour


This post is in participation with the Book Tour Lori is hosting for Melissa Ford’s new book, Apart at the Seams.

http://www.amazon.com/Apart-at-Seams-Melissa-Ford/dp/1611945038/


I greatly anticipated this book by MelissaFord; third in a series that includes Life from Scratch & Measure of Love. Apart at the Seams can be read on its own but if you enjoy it (& I know you would!) then do give Life from Scratch & Measure of Love a read too!

The main character in Life from Scratch & Measure of Love is Rachel. Apart at the Seams is written from the perspective of Arianna, Rachel’s best friend. Apart at the Seams follows the events from Measure of Love but from Arianna’s perspective. For me, it was a brilliant way to remind us all to try to see life from the other side of the coin.

What I love about Melissa’s writing is that she immerses me in the story. I become emotionally attached to her characters & find myself thinking of them long after I’ve finished the book, wondering how they’re doing as though they’re old friends & not works of fiction.

~~~~~

Three questions from the tour group & my answers:

1) Marriage is one of the main themes in the story. Do you think it is possible for a couple to share a long-term domestic relationship without actually being officially married? Why is our society so keen on the expectation of marriage in a romantic relationship despite the high divorce rates?

It is absolutely possible to share a long term domestic relationship without being officially married. Just because a couple doesn’t stand in front of their friends & family & say vows & make marriage promises doesn’t make their commitment to each other less valid. A marriage in and of itself is a private matter between the couple, why do they need to make such a public declaration to make it valid in the eyes of society?

2) Arianna tells Rachel, "I think there are people we should be with at different stages in our life, and maybe those stages stretch on for fifty years or maybe they're over in a few months" as a reason for not considering marriage. Do you think not knowing the span a relationship may last is reason enough to not commit completely?

I feel we would do ourselves a grave disservice if we didn’t allow ourselves to commit completely to a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, just because we don’t know the span the relationship will have. I can only imagine how shallow our interactions would be if we all applied this theory to our relationships. Knowing a relationship could have a short span feels like more of a reason for me to really put my whole self into it & get the very most out of it knowing our time would be fleeting as opposed to knowing a relationship will span fifty years & I know I have ample time to cultivate the relationship.

3) It feels as though Arianna would become irritated with Ethan for not doing things she needed him to do yet she often wouldn't verbalize clearly what it was she wanted or needed. Why do you think asking for exactly what you need makes you feel so vulnerable?

For me, admitting I “need” at all makes me feel like I’m failing, like I should be able to do it all & by admitting I can’t means I’m failing at it all. Feeling like I’m failing is a pretty vulnerable feeling. Which, logically, I find ridiculous because I would never think that of anyone who expressed a need to me or asked for my help. The last thing I would think of them is that they’re failing.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at LavenderLuz.com.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Hot Fun in the Summertime


Okay, maybe not “hot” fun…this summer has been oddly cool but that has made our weekend adventures more comfortable than the usual 40 degree humidity (that’s 104 Fahrenheit).

We went to FaeryFest again & of course Elena insisted on having her face painted again. The artists were more pro this time & Elena’s turned out beautifully:


 
I really like this festival. It has a very authentic medieval feel. The majority of people who attend dress up & really get into character. They have many vendor booths, especially since moving to a new, larger location, & some amazing artists sell their wares there.

My favourite part about this festival though is the authentic jousting. These aren’t actors, they use real lances & suits of armour, and it’s amazing.

 

video
 

After the joust they announced that you could pay $5 for a ride on the horses. Elena right away says she wants a turn…I was skeptical that she would go through with it but lined up none the less quite sure she’d chicken out at the last minute. Not my brave girl!!

 

We had an amazing time…though by the end of the day, Elena looked more like she’d attended an Alice Cooper concert:

 

This year Elena has shown an interest in trains so we decided to go to Day out with Thomas. I had been twice before with my nephews so knew Elena was at a perfect age to enjoy it & she sure did!



 

All day long, what Elena asked for most was a Thomas balloon…not just a regular balloon but a large, train shaped one!! I thought they would cost $30 but they were only $15 so I promised Elena we would buy one when we were leaving. Throughout the day we would see these balloons fly away followed by cries from a child. Finally, when we were on our way out, I bought one for Elena & warned her to be very careful. We went to the car & I was loading everything into the trunk. All of a sudden I heard a blood curdling scream that made my heart stop. I thought Elena had been hurt but in the instant I looked up I saw it…her balloon flying away!!! She was heartbroken & I felt awful! I knew I should have put the balloon directly into the car. I’d planned to yet got distracted…I felt so guilty. I’d promised her this balloon all day & she’d been so well behaved & had really earned it!! So I ran back in & bought her a second balloon…I guess getting her a balloon cost me $30 after all!!

Another exciting summer event…I took Elena to the movie theatre for the first time!!


 

We went to see Planes 2: Fire & Rescue & she had a great time! There were a few scary parts but she just covered her eyes…she got a little bored mid way through but hung in there & can’t wait for the next time!!

Elena & I went to visit our close friends. The boys (10 & 8 years old) adore Elena & the feeling is mutual!! They had baseball tournaments & we went to cheer them on. Well the weekend started off with a bang, literally! As we were leaving the baseball park Friday night Elena was running ahead, she was very excited as were we heading back to my friend’s house to go swimming. She turned to look back at us & ran right into a TREE!!! The impact was so hard; she bounced right off & landed on her bum!! Oh that cry!! I thought it was bad when she lost the balloon!!! This was much worse!!

Thankfully she wasn’t badly injured & we knew she was okay when she asked between sobs if she could still go swimming!!

Just minutes afterwards

That night

The next morning

The day after
 

One of our best days this summer was at the Cactus Festival…I’m not sure why it’s called the Cactus Festival; I didn’t see any cacti but we sure had fun!


 

We went to a water park for my company picnic this year & Elena got to try Mini Putting for the first time! We made it a good 7 holes & that was enough! Lol! I couldn’t convince her to use the club correctly. I mean, she’s played hockey, sort of…we’ll try again next year!


 

It was an amazing summer! I can hardly believe it’s already September! Everything feels like it’s in fast forward!

And now today is Elena’s Half-Birthday! I wanted to get her something special & fun but wracking my brain, I couldn’t think of anything…until…

Let me tell you something about my girl. She LOVES to go to the mall! She is the ultimate window shopper & it’s a great way to spend a rainy, cool day. She makes me so proud that we can go into any store, including The Disney Store, & not have her asking for a single thing & when I say it’s time to go she does so with a wave good bye! What is hilarious is, when I agree to go, she insists on dressing up!

 

We have 2 fancy dresses that were handed down to us & Elena loves to dress up in them. She calls them her twirly dresses. When I was off on Tuesday, I was in the next town over from mine for some errands & had a brainwave!! This town is a bit higher class & has an amazing second hand children’s clothing store…I went in & hit pay dirt! I found these 2 gorgeous twirly dresses for just $6.50 each!


 

But the biggest score was this beautiful princess dress…including Tiara for just $20!!

 

Elena was overjoyed!!! She couldn’t have been happier with her half birthday present!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

1st Day of School

 
I took yesterday off work so I could take Elena to her 1st day of school, a tradition I want to continue for as long as she'll allow me. She's still in preschool but will be going 4 mornings a week this year to help get her better prepared for kindergarten next September.
 
I can't wait to see what this school year brings! Elena is blossoming into such an entertaining little girl & with her language explosion (must post about this!) it is amazing to see her personality emerge. She is such a clever, witty child!
 
 
Outside our house with her backpack.
Doesn't she look like she could be
going to kindergarten!!

Thumbs up outside her school.

At her new cubby, smiling at her new teacher.


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Donor Information


I have always been of the mind that I would leave searches about Elena’s donor or donor siblings up to Elena. If, at any time, she decided she wanted to pursue this, I would help & support her. I had taken so many choices away from her & made choices for her that I wanted to leave this one solely to her. When Elena was born, I registered her birth with the sperm bank, pulled all the profile info I could off the bank website, I ordered Lifetime Photos of her donor & filed it all away for her.

I thought that would be it for at least 10 years…but I’ve been thinking a lot about it & yes, okay, obsessing just a little. “What if there’s info out there I need to know now?” “What if there are connections there now that will be “expired” when Elena asks?” Plus many, many other what ifs!

I decided it couldn’t hurt to at least register with the Donor Sibling Registry & with the sperm bank family forum. This way, if urgent info became available, I’d be in the loop & if Elena asks, I’ll be able to say, “Here you go, kiddo.”

Interestingly, her donor himself left a post on the DSR. This gave me some peace of mind & a sense of reassurance that I had picked the right guy. Mind you, that post was from 2009, but I was glad that if Elena wanted to make contact, she would be able to fairly easily…seemingly anyway. I mean, there was something about his profile when I originally picked him that made me feel like this was an altruistic choice, it was about more than money for him. He was 29 when he started donating, after all. There was a sense of maturity in his answers. There was a kindness in the answers to the essay questions that I didn’t feel with any other donor. This was important to me because I felt if Elena decided to make contact, she’d at least be encountering a kind man.

There are only 2 other posts; one on the DSR & one on the bank forum. The post on the DSR is just looking for more vials & makes no mention of offspring or success. The post on the forum mentions a son about the same age as Elena & just inquiring if there were any other children. This makes me just a little worried…only because, what if Elena has a deep desire to know half-siblings? What if that’s what her inquiries stem from? I’m afraid she’ll be disappointed. On the other hand, I guess it’s a bit comforting that she doesn’t have dozens a la Delivery Man.

I also feel…I don’t know…at peace that this is done. That I can, in good conscious, put it out of my mind knowing I have done all I can until such time that Elena starts asking questions. Who knows, maybe she’ll never be curious. I’m also comforted that it’s all in place in case something happens to me…but let’s not go there.

Friday, July 11, 2014

SMC Camping Trip 2014


Elena & I had the opportunity recently for a great adventure…we tagged along on a SMC Camping Trip in Idaho with 3 other moms & 4 other kids! And quite an adventure it was!! I am, by no means, a camper…the only camping I’ve ever done was in my 20s where I & hundreds of other 20 year olds would pitch tents for a long weekend, pack hot dogs & batches of Rice Krispies squares & drink all weekend! Not really the experience needed for actual camping. So I booked a cabin just to be on the safe side!

The first leg of our adventure involved flying to Boise, ID & shockingly, there are no direct flights from Toronto! Go figure! Elena & I would have our first experience with layovers & changing planes! We would also be renting a car in Boise, our first experience travelling with our car seat…for this, I am so grateful again for our amazing collapsible wagon. That thing is the best money spent when it comes to travelling with a child!


 
On all the flights except from Toronto to Minneapolis, I was able to upgrade our seats to the Economy Comfort…well worth the money to have the extra space!! I am so very lucky that Elena is such a good little traveler. We had to wake up at 2am to make our 1st flight! Elena was such a trooper & took it all in as an adventure. She wasn’t as impressed as I was when we got to see Air Force One on the tarmac in Minneapolis but she did think it was the neatest thing that our tray tables came out of our armrests!! She fell asleep mid way through the flight from Minneapolis Boise & slept right through the landing & didn’t wake up until almost everyone had left the plane. We were the last ones off which worked out great as our gate checked seat & wagon were waiting for us & by the time we got to baggage claim, there was our luggage just waiting for us!

Our good luck continued when we arrived at the car rental kiosk…they asked if I wanted a free upgrade. Of course I said, “Yes, please!!” & it was a good thing because we ended up with a Chevy Captiva. I’m not sure how I would have fit all our stuff in the Cruze we were originally booked for! We headed straight for the grocery store to load up on supplies then headed over to meet up with Claire, Fiona & Carys & head off to SilverCreek Plunge. I was very grateful to be able to follow her up as I was in awe of the mountains!! We just don’t have mountains like that here in Ontario!!

What an amazing site we ended up with! The cabin was nicer than some hotels I’ve stayed in!! Chryssa & Felix were there to welcome us & we got down to business of getting organized.

The Hill behind our site the kids like to climb

Elena waiting for fire!
 

Patty & Libby arrived not long after we did & we all got to know each other over dinner. Claire treated us all to Strawberry Shortcake to celebrate Fiona’s birthday…then we moved onto S’mores! This was Elena’s first experience with open fire & she was awed…but the long day & little sleep started to catch up with her, add in the sugar high & crash & she was ready for bed…except of course she wouldn’t settle down…& then the storm hit!! With the 1st clap of thunder, there was no way Elena was going to stay in the cabin alone to sleep which was a moot point once the rain started so we all called it a night.

We woke the next morning pretty early & I didn’t want us to wake the others so Elena & I headed out for a walk to check out the playground, hot-springs pool & surrounding area. When we got back to camp, Chryssa & Felix were up & the four of us took a little walk about until the others roused.
Elena & Felix warming up Saturday Morning

Carys & Elena giving Jayda some love

After a delicious breakfast we all headed to the amazing hot-springs pool! It was quite cold outside & it was hard to wrap my head around stripping down to a bathing suit…but oh how nice it was to dip into that 98 degree pool!


Later that afternoon we all went for a walk/hike & just enjoyed the afternoon.

The Gang!
 
It wasn’t long after dinner that I could see Elena was exhausted after a long day of fun & activity & I had no trouble getting her to sleep that night! We moms then spent the evening chatting & sharing stories until the fire burned down to just embers.

The next morning we were up early again & Elena & I took another walk around the park & visited the pool. I had promised her we’d go swimming after breakfast…but we all decided to head out earlier instead…I was feeling guilty for not letting Elena have a last swim but I didn’t really want to have to pack up wet towels & swimsuits…

On the drive back to Boise, we all stopped a little rest stop type place which had the best soft serve sundae bar Elena & I had ever experienced!!! This is where we all said our goodbyes & headed our separate ways with promises to keep in touch & already thinking of ideas for the next time!

I had booked a hotel by the airport to spend the night Sunday before our flights home Monday afternoon. We arrived early afternoon to check in & I was able to redeem myself to Elena for depriving her of a morning swim when we learned the hotel had a pool of its own!! On the way there all I could think about was a nice hot shower (the campgrounds didn’t have shower facilities!!) but upon learning about the pool, Elena & I jumped right into our suits & went swimming. I swear my kid is 1/3 fish!! After that we were famished so ordered in “Man Pizza” (this is what Elena calls pizza we have delivered) & she thought it was the most amazing thing that it was actually delivered by a GIRL!!


 

We had a great night’s sleep & woke early to enjoy another swim before getting ready & heading for the airport. Elena was not happy about leaving Idaho & insisted we should stay. When I asked her, “What about Gramma & Raina?” she said they should move to Idaho with us!!

On the way home we flew through Denver & we hit some pretty rocky turbulence coming into Denver. To the amusement of the other passengers, Elena enjoyed this very much “whooping” & “wee-ing” the whole time! We were delayed in Denver but were able to pass the time quickly as Elena made friends with a 6 year old little girl & they played until we were finally able to board. Elena was asleep within a half hour after takeoff & slept the entire flight home & like in Boise, didn’t wake up until the other passengers were almost all off the plane.

 

It was an amazing trip! It meant the world to me to get to meet & connect with 3 amazing SMCs…Elena loved getting the chance to play with 4 of the sweetest little kiddos & it meant a lot to me to have Elena see 3 other strong, amazing Choice Moms in action with their children.

We already can’t wait until next year!!
To see more photos, check our Claire & Chryssa's posts!