Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 In Review

As I sit here in my office at work...all alone since I am the ONLY person in the building today (it's a little creepy!)...I'm lacking the motivation to actually work & my mind keeps wondering back over this past year....

From the start, 2010 was already a big year for me as my birthday would fall on 10.10.2010...I'd been thinking about this fact for the last couple of years & wanted to do something special...as it turned out, I decided to become a Mother.

What I remember feeling a year ago, having made this momentous decision, was...terror! Okay, that's a bit over-dramatic...but I was scared...at that point, I had never heard the term "Choice Mom", I didn't know that IUI & IVF were two totally different things, I had no idea what Clomid was or that my menstrual cycle consisted of more than just Day 14-Ovulation & Day 28-Period or even that my period marked the BEGINNING of my cycle, not the end! I didn't know just how much I didn't know!

I remember that by around January 7th or 8th, I still hadn't made a call to any Fertility Clinics...by this point I had scoped out a few clinics in my area...I had learned that I needed IUI with Donor Sperm or TDI......I had started looking at Donor Banks...all I thought about was TTC (though didn't know about that acronym yet)...& I realized I was scared...scared to take that next step...scared of the unknown...

I realize now that fear has been my most predominant emotion in 2010...that makes me sad to admit. I've experienced a vast array of emotions this year...in any given year, for that matter...but as I reflect on 2010, fear has threaded itself  through every experience I've had this year...in so many ways, so many times this year, I have been gripped with fear, overcome with fear, brought to my knees by fear.

This year is also the 1st in my life that I have been told, numerous times, how courageous I am...interesting, don't you think? The year that I am most fearful, the year that I am fear's bitch, is also the year I find my courage...that's what courage is though, isn't it? Doing something despite your fear? That makes me a whole lot less sad...dare I say even a little proud? Makes the fear worth it, I think.

I wonder what emotion will dominate 2011...for 2011 is sure to be filled with many many emotions...but which will stand out most?

Friday, December 24, 2010

1 More Sleep!!!

As I sit here in my jammie-jams, enjoying the fact that I got to sleep in & thinking about Christmas...I can't help but be awed at how different this Christmas is from the so many Christmas' before...

For many many years now, Christmas has been bittersweet for me...Christmas has always been my favourite time of year...I just love the lights & colours, the music & cheer, getting together with family & friends...but for the last however many years Christmas has had an undertone of sadness & loneliness for me. Every Christmas that came & went was another reminder of what I felt were my failures...another year that I hadn't met my Prince Charming, another year past without starting a family of my own, the realization I may never be a Mother...that's the one that hurt the most. I mean, I can wait forever for my Mr. Right, there's no time limit on love...but my window to becoming a Mother (biologically speaking) was beginning to close.

I wanted to know what it was like to be pregnant...I wanted to know how it felt to have a baby move inside me...I wanted to experience labour & delivery...I wanted to experience breastfeeding...I wanted a beautiful little person to depend on me & call me Mama...& every Christmas that passed reminded me that I didn't have any of that & maybe never would.

It was last Christmas Eve that I told my Brother & Sister-in-law of my plans to be a Choice Mom...their support & encouragement were overwhelming & they, along with the rest of my family, have stood by me through it all this year.

Now, here I am, Christmas Eve & feeling my Daughter kick & flip inside me & it seems so surreal...if this is a dream, please don't wake me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

ICLW December

Well, it's been a few months since I participated in ICLW...I use the excuses that I've been too busy/tired...yes, okay a little lazy...but since I have most of this coming week off work...& a brand new laptop...I'm geared up & ready to comment!!

I've only been blogging for a short time...but the benefits I have reaped from this amazing online community are priceless. I don't know that I would have gotten through the dark time of my miscarriage without the support & kind words from readers. Equally, the heart-felt congratulations & words of encouragement when I found out I was pregnant again have meant just as much to me...it's been as much a joyous time (like hearing the heartbeat for the 1st time) as it has been a time filled with worryfear & anxiety...

So thank you to all for stopping by & for all your comments, advice, encouragement & blog love!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I've Been Spoiled!!!

What a weekend! Christmas started this weekend for me...

Since my one aunt is going away for Christmas, she, myself & my brother's family got together Saturday to celebrate & exchange gifts...for this Christmas I asked that instead of gifts for me, if everyone could buy baby stuff since every little bit helps...well they decided that since this would be my last Christmas on my own that they would spoil ME with gifts just for me, not my daughter...and spoil me they did! They bought me a new laptop!!!! Way more than I deserve or expected...when I ripped off the wrapping, I started bawling!! Then, as if that wasn't generous enough, the also bought me a new flat screen TV!!!

Both of these gifts are items I needed...my current computer is a dinosaur & after turning it on, I have to wait 45 mins to an hour for it to load up for use...then it can take 10-20 mins to load webpages...& it freezes all the time...my TV is a hand-me-down to begin with & works just fine but is the big old tube kind & most channels don't fit properly on the screen...but as much as I need a new computer & TV, there was no way I would have spent the money replacing them...my Daughter comes first & I would get her what she needs before these luxuries for me...& my family knew that...

I am just so overwhelmed by their generosity & thoughtfulness...my Daughter & I are just so lucky to have family that loves us so much & supports us so well...

Then, today I got together with one of my best friends, who lives out of town, for our Christmas...she conned me into going to Sears with some excuse or other but once we were there, she pointed out that all the baby stuff was on sale & proceeded to choose all kinds of stuff for my girl...she stocked me up with a ton of sleepers, receiving blankets, a tub seat, a thermometer, toys...a bunch of stuff I'm gonna need in the 1st weeks after my Girl arrives.

So again I am humbled & overwhelmed by the people in my life & their generosity...just overcome with emotion & gratitude...

Friday, December 17, 2010

Update: Test Results are in...

I can't believe how quickly my blood tests from Tuesday came back!!

Everything looks good...my Hemoglobin is on the low end of normal at 117 but since my White Blood Cell count is slightly elevated, this may be attibuted to a cold I may be fighting...I feel fine & didn't think I had a cold but I guess that means I'm fighting it well :)

More importantly my Glucose Tolerance was perfect...my fasting glucose level was normal & it was normal at 1 hour & 2 hours...yeah!!

One less thing to worry about...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

It's For Sure...

She's a Girl!!!

I've had a busy baby week...Tuesday I went in for my Glucose Tolerance Test...it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be...the fasting was difficult since if I don't eat as soon as I wake up, I get very nauseous & throw up, so that wasn't fun...but at least the solution I had to drink wasn't what I thought...I imagined it would be thick & milky...which would have made me gag & I'd probably throw up again...but it was more like orange pop & it was cold so I was able to drink it no problem...then I had to wait 2 hours, having my blood taken every hour...my Aunt brought me to the lab & waited with me as I wasn't sure how I'd feel & boy, was I glad she was there as having her to chat with made the time fly!! Fingers crossed everything comes back normal...

Then yesterday, I had my long-awaited ultrasound...I really, really needed to see my girl again & be reassured she was growing & developing well...& if she was still a girl, lol! If you'll recall from my 19 week scan, they made an educated guess that she was a girl, but couldn't say for 100% sure...well there's no doubt, she's a girl...the tech was able get a good shot of her privates & zoomed right in on the labia for me. She also took the time show me all her other parts too...spine, ribs, skull, brains, fingers, toes & a really great shot of her heart & valves...it was great! She's also still big for her stage...she's been measuring big all along & she's estimated to be about 3 lbs 2 oz...My mom thinks the tech said 3 lbs 6 oz, but I'd rather think she's not THAT big, lol! I hope she turns out tall & skinny instead of tall & chubby like me...

& without further ado, here she is...it's not the best scan as she's all curled up in a ball with her hands & feet up by her face...she was a Move-y McMoverson through the whole measuring phase of the scan but as soon as Mama wants her to smile for the camera, she clams right up...
Lastly, I couldn't close without mentioning that that this week marks 28 weeks! Such a milestone & with every week that passes, I can breath a little easier.

Friday, December 10, 2010

What I've learned...

Today holds a special memory in my heart...today was my due date with my first pregnancy. With this date coming up, I have been doing a lot of thinking & looking back & wondering. I wasn't sure how I would feel or if I would even remember...but as December approached & then the 10th got closer, it's been on my mind...I am sad thinking of & missing my little Tadpole, my baby that wasn't meant to be...but that makes me feel guilt...especially when I feel my sweet Girl kicking & moving around.

Miscarrying ranks up there in my top 5 worst life experiences...that goes without saying...there was a point that I didn't think I'd survive, physically or emotionally...that's when my mind turned to moving forward. I remember feeling that I MUST move on...I MUST NOT dwell...so that's what I did, I moved on, I didn't dwell & I tried again right away, as soon as my body would allow me to...my body was physically ready but I wonder now if I was emotionally ready...I wonder if I gave myself enough time to heal mentally & come to terms with my loss.

I wonder this because as joyous as my current pregnancy has been, there has been a constant undercurrent of fear, worry & anxiety. Fear of losing this baby too, fear of getting too attached 'just in case', fear of so much...& worry, worry I'm doing something wrong, worrying something is wrong, worrying I'm worrying too much...or not enough...& pretty constant anxiety, mostly irrational anxiety, like when I'm in the baby section of a store, am I tempting fate? anxiety over buying my stroller that if I do, it will cause me to miscarry again, anxiety to even 'name' her...with my 1st pregnancy, I affectionately called the baby my Tadpole...I haven't called this baby anything other than Baby or my Girl for fear of jinxing her. Heaped on top of all this fear, worry & anxiety is guilt...

For the most part I kept this all inside...partly because when I tried to talk about it, I was told I was being silly...mostly because I was even afraid if I admitted how scared, worried & anxious I was that it would cause things to go wrong.

It was during my prenatal classes that I learned that all of this fear, worry & anxiety wasn't silly...more importantly, I learned that this amount of anxiety can lead to worsened postpartum depression...so last month, at my Midwife appointment, I admitted my fears, worries & anxiety...She didn't tell me I was being silly, she didn't dismiss me...she took the time to listen & provide information to help put my mind at ease...she validated my feelings & made me feel less crazy & more supported...she decided & I agreed to a referral to the Women's Health Concerns Clinic at my hospital...this is a community psychiatry practice that focuses on women's mental health. I'm amazed at what a difference just knowing that help is in place has made for me.

It was through all of this too, that I learned that I can miss my Tadpole & be sad for that loss without lessening my love for my Girl...being joyful & excited with this pregnancy doesn't diminish my feelings for my first nor does it mean I've forgotten.

So today, I remember my Tadpole...my angel baby.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Love to Paige...

Please head over to The Turning of Paige...she needs our love & support right now.

We are all shocked and saddened by her loss. I just want to scream WHY?!!?

Paige, my thoughts & prayers are with you now & in the days & weeks to come.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

101 Days Left...

...and I think I'm ready...almost...I think...I have all the necessities anyway!



It seems Canada has jumped on the Black Friday Bandwagon...the stores here were having huge 3 day sales...& I bought a Stroller Travel System!!

I also bought the Infant-to-Toddler Rocker I really wanted. I bought a similar one for my Sister-in-Law when she had my 1st nephew & she got so much use out of it...

& I've also bought my Diaper Bag. I really wanted to get a nice bag since I had no intention of carrying it plus a purse. I searched high & low, far & wide & finally found one I loved:

The picture doesn't do it justice...It's made by Ju Ju Be & it has some bling & some sparkle plus it's versatile & practical.

Now that I'm broke, I have to shift my shopping to Christmas presents...at least I don't have too many people to buy for.

********************
Lo & Behold...another blog award! And such a cute one!!

Thank you so much to Gille, who awarded it to me...here are the rules:

Link back to the person who gave it to you (check)


Pass it on to five other blogs

Leave them a comment telling them about the award...so I am awarding this oh-so-cute award to:

Choice Mom
Exploring my Options for Motherhood
Fervently Wishing
The Baby Chase Project
Baby Time Bomb

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American blog friends!!



Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Loss

Please stop by Stork Stalking & offer Jay your love & support as she goes through this most recent heartbreaking loss.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Positive Baby Planning Progress

After the relief of knowing my daughter was doing just fine on Thursday, I realized I had to get my butt in gear & get some planning done...as of today, I am 24 weeks & think the next 16 weeks will probably fly by with Christmas & all...

I admit I have been hesitant to look too far ahead but I have reached a turning point & though I'll continue to worry, reaching 24 weeks & knowing that my daughter's chance of survival (if the worst happens) increases with each passing day does allow me to be a lot less anxious.

So I've made great strides in the Baby Planning process in the last few days...On Saturday I went & registered at Babies.R.Us...that was great fun but as someone had mentioned before, it was VERY tiring!! It had been suggested to me to register at Sears as well but aside from the free swag, I don't see the point. Besides, if someone wants to get me something off the registry but finds it cheaper elsewhere, by all means, get the cheaper price!!

My Mom came with me & she was funny...she complained that I wouldn't pick any of the stuff she thought I should...she also revealed that she'd been busy buying all kinds of stuff behind my back!! Sneaky Mommy!

On Monday, I made my Hospital Tour & Registration appointments...The Scheduler was a hoot! And it was a good thing I called when I did! She initially tried to book my registration for the end of February! I reminded her that I was due March 9th...she was able to squeeze me in for February 4th & booked my Hospital Tour for January 5th...a bit backwards but she said that was fine!

I've also narrowed my humongous list of names down to a short list of 5:
Hannah
Aislin
Grace
Julia
Layla
This may change, of course, but I am leaning toward 1 name in particular but I'm keeping that mostly to myself...for now...

I've saved the best news until last!! At my Midwife appointment she confirmed Baby's movement & kicking & we discussed that I may already be feeling some but am just not aware...So on Sunday afternoon, I was lounging quietly on the couch & started to feel what I had always discounted as gas...I laid very still with my hand on my belly over the place I was feeling it...and sure enough I felt a BOMP against my hand & then another BOMP!! Now gas definitely doesn't BOMP into your hand!!! What an amazing feeling!! I wanted to jump up & run upstarirs to tell my Mom but I also didn't want to move! So I laid there & felt it a few more times before she must have shifted & I couldn't feel anything anymore. It was so great though!

That's it for me! Take care everyone!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Warning: Pregnancy Update

I say this because many of the women I'm following are having some difficult times right now & want to give anyone not up for a pregnancy post the chance to click off...

Deep Breath....and Big Sigh...of relief that is...

I had worked myself up into quite the worrying mess lately & was so afraid something had gone wrong with my daughter...everything I read lately, from Baby Centre to What to Expect, all were saying I should be feeling Baby by now...but I wasn't...well, maybe not "wasn't" but I couldn't be sure...on top of this, hormones have been getting the best of me & I have cried more in the last 2 weeks than I had in the last 4 years!! Between the heartbreak of some of the women who's blogs I read, my own worry plus a touching encounter with a Veteren while buying my poppy, I thought I might dehydrate with all these tears!!

Today I had my Midwife appointment though & she put my mind at ease...hearing my daughter's heartbeat & her kicking away...like I said: Big Sigh of Relief! My Midwife reminded me that since I have an anterior placenta, I won't feel Baby distinctly as soon...but there were clear kicks & movement detected by the doppler which proved that I just wasn't feeling her. Now I just have to wait 5 weeks & I get to see Baby again, I have an U/S booked for Dec 15th...unfortunately I also have to endure the Glucose Tolerance test that week too...

Lastly I wanted to extend my congratulations to: Hopeful, Jay, & S...their BFPs were another reason I was brought to tears recently :)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Half Way There, Baby!!!

20 weeks today!!

Wow, I can't believe we're half way there! What a ride so far...things are going along fine...no cause for concern or worry...but that hasn't stopped me from being concerned or worried, lol!

I really can't wait until I can feel my Girl move on a regular consistant basis...I feel a nudge or a twinge every so often throughout the day but am never 100% sure it's Baby. Then, when I don't feel anything for a while, I get worried.

I went to my 1st Prenatal Class last night...hopefully it gets better because last night was pretty dry. The one thing that struck me was this list the nurse put up on the Top 10 Worries Expectant Mothers have...I was surprised that my worries didn't appear on the list (except for maybe 2 or 3) & there was a bunch of other things I'd never thought to worry about! Then I started to worry that I wasn't worrying enough...or that I was worrying about the wrong things...I know I have become a worrying mess since getting my BFP but this threw me to a whole new level. Then I stepped off that crazy train & remembered that I think I'm managing my worry pretty well...I've stopped Googling stuff since you most often find the worst case scenarios...I talk it out with those close to me so I can identify when I'm being irrational (which is most of the time) plus, their reassurance is comforting...I'm not afraid to discuss even my silliest worries with my Midwife so she can reassure me from a medical & professional point of view...but it's constantly there, like white noise, this worrying in the back of my mind...I'm not stressed out or anxious or anything...I just...worry.

Amusingly, they played a video last night & I thought, "Here we go, here comes the scary birthing video." Yet this video was all sunshine & rainbows & oh, look Baby just slid right out...I mean, Come ON!!! I've read enough Birth Stories & seen enough The Baby Story on TLC to know that the video they showed was not an accurate portrayal of what to expect!! I felt like telling the nurse, "Come on, Sister! Give it to me straight! No more of this fluff!!" Maybe they're just easing us into it...

Anyway, even though I have that Worry White Noise I am still enjoying being pregnant...okay, enjoy maybe isn't the exact right word...but it's still a worthwhile means to an end...& it is all still very facinating what our bodies do!!

Lastly...just a quick shout out to all you ladies in or just entering your 2ww (Rachel, Hopeful, Single Mom 2B, Jay, Baby Chase Project & S)...I'm hoping for BFP for all of you & sending positive baby thoughts your way!!

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Big Reveal!!

Okay, patient blog friends...here comes my big reveal!!

I'm a little hesitant though, as my wonderful U/S tech said she couldn't give a 100% answer to the gender question...so there is still a chance it could go the other way...knowing that I wanted to know, she kept her eyes peeled during the entire 45 minute appointment...the area was obscured by the umbilical cord a lot of the time...she was able to get a few glimpses & combined those with her technical & scientific markers & made her best educated guess. So even though she couldn't give me a 100% sure answer, she wouldn't have given me any answer if she wasn't somewhat confident...so...

I'm going to have a...DAUGHTER!!! Probably, lol!!!

That brings me to another realization this whole U/S brought on for me...all this time, I had been thinking in terms of Baby & Boy or Girl...but I am going to have a Daughter! A Daughter! OMG, a DAUGHTER!!! (Or a Son, but you get my drift...) It just seems so surreal to me! STILL!!

It's an odd feeling for a dream of mine to come true...I'm not being pessimistic or negative...I mean, my life hasn't always worked out the way I wanted, but it's always worked out & I am happy with the turn out (especially now!)...but for the most part, the things I've really really desperately wanted haven't worked out...I've dealt with a lot of disappointment...but this one dream, my dream of motherhood...the one dream I want more than anything I have ever before wanted or I believe I'll ever want...it's the dream that's coming true.

I'm having a Daughter!

P.S. I had boy's names picked out...girl's names? not so much...I'm so jealous of those of you who know what you're going to name your children!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Sex Party!!

Well, I was all excited when I got home last night to post that I was having a...

...a...then it dawned on me...there are those in my close network of friends & family that weren't at the party..so they don't know yet...do I want them to find out that I'm having a...{insert gender here}...by reading it on my blog?

So, dear blog friends, I have to hold off just a few more days before I let the cat out of the bag...but I couldn't resist a little teaser :)!!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10.10.10 - 10:10am

Today is October 10, 2010 - 10-10-10...my 36th birthday...and I have 150 days until my due date...I learned something significant about turning 36 that I just loved & had to share...I read Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens & she did this post back at her birthday about turning 36...it really spoke to me then & even more so now...this is a special, once in a lifetime thing to have a birthday fall on such a significantly numbered day then add to that that I am turning the significant age of 36 - my double life...and add to that, on my 36th birthday, my double life birthday I am actually carrying new life inside me. Somthing I had started to give up hope on last birthday...

It was last year's birthday that I first started considering becoming a SMC...if you had told me, "Tara, you'll be pregnant this time next year." I'd have told you that you were cracked!! Now look at me! 18 weeks, 4 days pregnant & 150ish days until I meet my child!!

This birthday could not have turned out more special!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

My Brother is throwing me a Sex Party!!!

Those are words I never thought I would say!!! True though...my nephew called me the other night, he had some stuff he needed to ask me, he is 7 & so adorable! Anyway, when we were finished talking he said Daddy wanted to ask me something...Turns out that my brother is extremely anxious to find out the gender of my Precious One! His enthusiasm brings tears to my eyes! For him to be this excited really means a lot to me...anyway, he knew I was finding out Baby's gender on Oct 12th & didn't want to wait until the following Sunday (the 1st potentially possible time for my family to get together) so he's decided to have everyone over to their place on Tuesday so we can have a big reveal! Luckily everyone in my family is available although his stance on that was if they couldn't come TFB!!

That means I am back to Plan A about finding out...my friend (who will also be in the delivery room with me) is coming to my appointment & my tech will divulge the juicy details to her & they will seal it in an envelope for me to take to the party & I will find out right along with my family!! I'm very excited!

I needed that excitement right now...my mind has been such a jumble lately. I have tried composing posts but haven't been able to organize my thoughts...but I will try.

I am 18 weeks today! I can't believe it! It was exactly 10 weeks ago today that I saw my Precious Baby & watched the heart beat away for the 1st time...only 10 weeks ago! It feels like a life time!

I have moments where fear absolutely grips me. What if something has gone wrong? I don't let myself dwell there long though since there is no rational or logical reason to warrant such worry.

Logically & rationally I remind myself that I'm experiencing (sometimes pretty intensely) round ligament pain & that wouldn't happen if Baby & uterus weren't growing...for the most part I'm keeping it together & not totally freaking out with worry or fear.

The thing is, from the beginning, none of this has seemed real...I've felt like I'm going through the motions & experiencing it all but am waiting to wake up & realize it's all been a dream...it's all very surreal to me & I have moments where I think, "Whoa, wait...I'm Pregnant? Really?"

A few weekends ago, I visited my friend for the weekend as she is moving & has all kinds of kids stuff to pass down to me.  The one thing she is lending me is very special...Her grandfather made, with his own 2 hands, a wooden cradle...a true family heirloom...and she has allowed me to borrow it for my Baby...I am so touched & honoured. She has been like a sister to me, I was her maid or honour...& now to have this honour...

And this cradle...wow! I mean it is BEAUTIFUL! It is a big wooden one...I mentioned my love of Little House on the Prairie...well this cradle looks exactly like the cradle Charles made in one episode...I think the one where they had their son but who died & Laura blamed herself...anyway, I'm sure you can picture this cradle, it's amazing.

My Mom helped me get it inside & since I wasn't prepared to move it into my bedroom just yet, I put it in my living room, out of the way. Well later that day I was drawn to it & walked over & stood over it & it all hit me like a bucket of ice water...I'm. Having. A. Baby. This cradle is going to hold my Precious One during their 1st months of life. For the 1st time it really felt real! The mixture of feelings...joy, awe, relief, fear, joy...I was so grateful to really be feeling something, and so strongly!

Now I have less than a week to wait before I see my Baby again & hear that precious heartbeat...I can make it, I know I can :)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The Versatile Blogger Award

To be nominated is nice...
So much more to be twice!

Thank you to Shannon & S for this award although coming up with 7 interesting things about myself will be tough...but it doesn't say they have to be interesting, lol!

So here are The Rules:
•thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
•share seven things about yourself
•pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
•contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award
 
Now here goes with my 7 things...
 
1)   I am completely & irrationally terrified of anything that flies (birds & bugs, I mean)! Though anything that flies terrifies me, bees, hornets & wasps cause me the most anxiety.
 
2)   I've been known to be a bit of a dare devil...I have been skydiving twice, handgliding twice, I took a flying lesson once...so even though I'm afraid of things that fly I'm not afraid to fly!!
 
3)   I learned to ride a motorcycle before I learned to drive a car & received motorcycle for my sixteenth birthday...I never followed through with getting my motorcycle license though.
 
4)   I hate, hate, hate to do the dishes I wish I had a dishwasher! However I love to do the laundry!
 
5)   I'm only at #5?!? Let's see...I enjoy travelling but have not been to nearly as many places I dream about going...my favourites of the places I've been are Prague, Lucerne, Nice & Barbados.
 
6)   I love to read...sometimes I have 2 or more novels on the go at one time...I couldn't choose any one author or genre as a favourite as that all depends on my mood at any given time.
 
7)   One of my all time favourite TV shows is Little House on the Prairie...watching this show with my mom & brother are some of my favourite childhood memories & I use to imagine Charles Ingalls was my Pa.
 
There we have it...now as for my nominations...most of who I follow have been nominated already so I'll just have to double up...
 
 
Have fun y'all!
 

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

How Very Practical!

My Useless Knowledge gadget strikes again!

Not sure how I feel about this one...part of me thinks, "How neat!" & the other part thinks, "That's just not fair!"

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

16 Weeks...Really!?!?!?

Not much going on for me...just, you know, baking a baby!

I'll be 16 weeks tomorrow & I've found the last couple of weeks very...unnerving. Basically because I don't feel anything...not in a bad way, it's totally natural (so I am constantly reminded)...it's just that phase in pregnancy where nausea & sick feelings are gone...I'm still tired but not that all consuming exhaustion of the early weeks...my appetite has abated & feels more normal...but it's still too soon to feel Baby moving...so I'm feeling...nothing. (I mean this physically, we'll get to the emotional stuff in a minute...)

I thought I felt Baby move on Saturday morning...I was poking around my belly & then all of a sudden felt, like, a...blip. I thought, "what was that?" Then it happened again...but since then, nothing. Since it is so early, plus my whole placenta placement thing...I'm pretty sure it was just gas & wishful thinking...

As for emotional feelings...I'm a mess...I've always been a sensitive person & my feelings can get hurt pretty easily but I never felt I was an overly emotional person...I mean, if you hurt my feelings, I wouldn't burst into tears & run sobbing from the room...I'd deal. Now, I can break down sobbing for the least little thing! It doesn't even have to happen to me...a girl at work has been going through a tough time & in the past, I'd feel bad & what not but now? I'm balling at the injustice she has to endure!!! And watching the news? Forget it! I can't even catch the highlight commercials without getting upset at some event or other!! Even things that aren't even sad make me cry!! If someone compliments me or even just thanks me, I'm stuggling to keep my composure! It really is pretty funny after the fact when I think about how I reacted to certain things but in the moment, it's pretty embarrassing!

Anyway, thanks to everyone for their advice & encouragement about registering...I have decided to go for it...why not, right? I am going to wait until after I find out Baby's gender though...

Which brings me to a little disappointment...originally my U/S was scheduled for October 7th...which would have been perfect since that was just before my birthday & Thanksgiving (in Canada;) so I'd be able to share the news when my family was gathered together...I had it all planned out. My friend would go with me to the U/S & my tech tell her the gender. She would then write it down & seal it in an envelope...then at Thanksgiving Dinner (which falls on my birthday this year) I would open the envelope & find out right along with my whole family!

What's that phrase, "the best laid plans" or something...don't I get a call from my clinic that my usual tech won't be in on the 7th afterall & the replacement is not qualified or some such...doesn't really matter since I'd rather go in when my usual tech is there anyway since she's been with me from the beginning & she is A-MAZ-ING...I love her to death!

Long story short (too late!) my U/S has been rescheduled until October 12th...which is fine (except for having to WAIT!!) but now I want to find out the gender on the 12th because who knows when I'll be able to gather my family together again for a big reveal!! I also don't want to just tell my family individually by text or phone call...I'll have to think of something...I was thinking of stealing an idea from Gille & bake cupcakes then fill the middle with either pink or blue icing & have everyone bite in at the same time to find out...who knows...


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

What a Beautiful Noise

I left my Midwife's office yesterday with one of those goofy grins you just can't wipe off your face...I walked to my car but it felt more like I floated there on a cloud...I was just so full of joy at having heard my precious little Baby's heartbeat for the 1st time...I started my car, switched on my iPod & what song comes on? What a Beautiful Noise by Neil Diamond (yes I have Neil Diamond on my iPod, don't mock!)

Needless to say, I had a fantastic appointment...I am feeling so good about choosing to go with a midwife...She had the results from last week's U/S & everything looks great! My blood work looked great...My placenta is growing in front which she said is fine but just means I may not feel Baby kicking & moving as soon as some due to the buffer & she also warned me that it may prevent us from hearing Baby on the doppler but my little one was front & centre showing off for Mommy with his/her strong heartbeat! She even showed me how to feel for my uterus which is kinda neat.

I'm debating about registering for Baby...my brother & sis-in-law asked if I was & before that I hadn't even considered it...sure it would be fun to do but I think it's be a little pointless...I mean, I don't have a lot of friends. I have a just a few very close friends & my family & that's it...I guess they'll want to give Baby a gift but whatever they choose, I would be grateful for & the necessities I'll get myself...so as fun as zapping all that stuff would be, it's seems sort of over indulgent to me...what does everyone else think?

Friday, September 3, 2010

FREE DRUGS...and other stuff

Okay, before I forget ('cause I do that a lot lately!) I've been meaning to post that I have 1 shot of Ovidril still in the package & kept in the fridge that I don't think I'll be needing. Now I don't know the logistics or legalities of shipping something like this but if anyone wants this it's yours for the taking...send me an email to: t(dot)like(dot)tara@gmail.com & we can work out the details!

Now the other stuff...I had my 13 week U/S on Wednesday...I was nervous going in for a number of reasons...this time I had to go to the hospital instead of my clinic & you definitely don't get the kind of personal attention you do at the clinic...but I was lucky, my tech turned out to be great. Her name was Paula, which right away I knew was a good sign since my S-I-L's name is Paula. I told her up front that I'd M/C back in April & was nervous & needed to know that baby was okay...as soon as she put the wand on my belly, she said, "there's Baby & there's the strong heartbeat. Everything looks perfect." I was so grateful that she put my mind at ease right away. She even adjusted the screen so I could watch while she took all the measurements & stuff so I got a good long look at my precious one moving about. Paula then went & got my Mom & took the time to show us all of Baby's parts, a nice close up on the face, spine, hands, feet, heartbeat...the only downside is they don't print pictures but it was enough for me to know Baby is still perfect & well. At 13 weeks Baby is measuring 13 weeks & 2 days & heart is still beating strong at 160 beats/minute.

It all feels really real now...that may sound weird but up until now, in my head Baby was more of an abstract concept...but now that I'm really feeling the tugging & stretching in my abdomen, now that my tummy is starting to protrude, I'm really starting to FEEL pregnant. Up until now, I didn't FEEL pregnant...oh sure, I had morning sickness & fatigue (understatement!) & stuff but that all felt more like I had the flu than that I was pregnant! I can't wait until Tuesday when I see my Midwife again as I'm hoping she'll use the doppler & I'll finally get to HEAR Baby! I've seen Baby's heartbeat but I have yet to hear it!

Okay everyone, have a fantastic long weekend! It's Ribfest here so y'all know where I'll be!!!


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

12 Weeks

I can hardly believe that I'm 12 weeks pregnant! This last week & a half or so has been a turning point of sorts...I've experienced a lot of tugging & pulling feelings in my lower abdomen & it seems as though my belly is protruding some...but I'm also extremely bloated & gassy so am not sure how much is Baby & how much is gas. I've been feeling quite uncomfortable lately...I feel very huge & constricted...on the upside the queasy feelings are gone...though I still experience food aversions. My breasts are now only mildly tender but are definitely denser & heavier...& yes, unfortunately bigger. Hormones are getting the better of me...I've been feeling almost like PMS. I also get pretty weepy for no reason...a song I've heard a million times before can now bring tears to my eyes & I can't explain why...I cry at just about every TV show I watch...like Big Brother! I mean that is the most ridiculous show yet I found myself crying at something stupid that happened on it! I watched Inglorious Basterds on Sunday & balled my eyes out at the beginning & a few other parts to! You know you're being affected by hormones when you cry at Quentin Tarantino films!!

I spent part of last weekend with my nephews (M, 7 & H, 5) & they are so funny about Baby. Very curious & very excited...while we were sitting in a cafeteria style place for dinner, a family sat at the table next to us & had a newborn who was crying up a storm...well M says to me, "You see that Tia (that's what they call me)...That's what you're going to get. I hope you're ready." And H has graciously offered to help with changing diapers, even the poopy ones! They have also come up with some interesting names...they are sure it will be a boy & have suggested "Ranger" & "Wolfgang"...My aunt is calling Baby "Raspberry" from when it was that size...when it became the size of a prune that just didn't have the same ring...

I've also told everyone at work about Baby...I'm hoping I didn't jump the gun but it just felt right to tell everyone & they are all very excited for me...it makes things easier since now they know why I'm tired all the time & why I can't change the water cooler bottle.

I do have my moments where I'm terrified something will go wrong. My next U/S is September 1st & it can't get here soon enough...I just need to be reassured that everything is okay with Baby...but really, for the most part, I can keep my fears at bay & I focus on all the signs that everything is perfectly fine.

Lastly, another HUGE congratulations...this time to Shannon on her BFP!! Another thing that made me cry this week...but I think this one was justified :)

Friday, August 20, 2010

Choice Mom Event in Toronto!!

I'm just so excited! There is going to be a Choice Mom event organized by Mikki Morrissette in Toronto on September 25th!! I have already registered & am so excited to go!

It was through her site that I was introduced to the Blogosphere & I just loved her book Choosing Single Motherhood! It's just an afternoon but it sounds like it will be a wealth of information. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to connect with other Choice Moms! I can't tell from the details if Mikki will be there or not but regardless I am extremely excited to be going!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Where did this week go?

What a week! I don't even know where it went!

Tuesday I went for another U/S...I was 9 weeks 6 days & Baby was measuring 10 weeks 2 days so growing wonderfully...still has a strong heartbeat of 160 beats/minute. Shelly, the tech, showed me a clear shot of the spine & I had no trouble identifying the heart. The best part of the appointment was seeing Baby kick & wave & spin around...just moving up a storm!! It was precious! It was just so amazing to see Baby looking so much more human. Soon I'll be feeling those kicks & spins & that just blows me away!

I also met with my Midwife for the first time. Last week I visited my family Dr to discuss prenatal care. I was still on the fence whether to receive care from him & an OB or go with a Midwife. My Dr was great & really took the time to discuss the pros & cons of either choice. He himself is pro Midwife as when he was doing deliveries he worked very closely with them. He also assured me that if at any time I changed my mind he would resume care no problem. So I met with my Midwife on Tuesday after my U/S & what a great experience. She's very excited & passionate...I admit I went in a little defensive half expecting her to be too new age for me but was pleasantly surprised. And the amount of information offered up was great! Even as great as my Dr is, he didn't have a package of pamphlets for me or a library of books & videos I could borrow from. Since I am all about the info, this was a huge selling point for me!

The only issue of contention was that she is very pro home birth & that is definately NOT something I'm interested in. We really didn't have time to discuss this though since there was so much to cover but I'll nip that idea in the bud on my next visit. I think home birth is an interesting concept & works for some women...but for me? My vision of child birth happens in a hospital. The good thing is that she explained her stance of respect for choice so I don't think she'll push me on the issue.

This week I also told a few more people about Baby...I told one of my Aunts that lives out West & she didn't believe me at first but once I told her the whole story she was very happy for more & is excited that my Due Date is near her birthday. I told a couple of girls from work & they can't wait to start shopping for Baby! My Mom has been telling more of her friends too.

The support & acceptance from everyone is unbelievable! Not a single negative reaction. My Mom's one friend asked, "Does she know who the father is?" assuming I got knocked up the old fashioned way...I wish someone would ask me that! I'd love to look them straight in the face & say, "No" before going on to explain the circumstances.

Another rite of passage this week, I went & bought some maternity clothes...my clothes are already getting pretty sung & uncomfortable. However, since I'll be biggest through the winter I bought long pants & jeans & it's still to warm to wear them & didn't think it made sense to buy capris' that I'll only be able to wear for a few more weeks before the weather changes. Now I can't wait for fall!!! Although I am a Fall/Winter lover anyway so I always can't wait for fall!

Lastly, I'd like to close with a HUGE congratulations to Paige on her BFP...I couldn't be more happy for you, Paige!

And to all the rest of you ladies that are knee deep into your 2ww, here's hoping you all get your BFPs too!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

This & That

It's been a fun week...I'm still floating on a cloud after my U/S...though it's hard not to be a "Nervous Nelly"...not surprisingly I've been having lots of twinges & discomfort in my lower abdomen & inevitably wonder, "Is this cramping?" It's always just gas or constipation...

After worrying about not having enough symptoms, it's like my baby said, "You want symptoms? You asked for it!!!" Aside from the unbelieveable exhaustion, I've been feeling the nausea...it's not what I thought it would feel like. Mostly it feels like I have the flu...but with constipation instead of diarrhea. As long as I have something in my stomach, I'm okay so I'm doing a lot of munching...

I am always hungry but I haven't had any cravings really...I have been experiencing some food aversions though...even that's not like I expected...I'll start to feel hungry & think, "Oh, I want some cookies!" But when I'm standing in the cookie aisle at the grocery store my stomach just turns over in protest...it's a weird feeling to want to eat certain foods but then feel like gagging when I actually try...

Even the exhaustion isn't anything I could have been prepared for...I am so tired beyond any kind of tired I have ever experienced! I use to be a party girl...I use to go out drinking 4 nights a week until 2 or 3 in the morning without missing any 8am classes or early work shifts & this was week after week! And I never remember feeling as tired as I do lately even after sleeping for more hours than I'm awake!!!

I find it all facinating! All the changes & feelings...it's just amazing!

We told my Brother's 2 sons about the baby on Saturday...M is 7 & H is 5 & their reactions were so fun! H is excited that he won't be the youngest anymore & kept telling me, "I can't wait for the baby to get here!" M was a bit more pensive about it & here's the conversation after he absorbed the info:

M: Daddy? Does this mean you'll be the Daddy?
Me & Bro: NO!

My brother went on to explain about different types of families, 1 Mommy, 1 Daddy, 2 Daddys, etc...after thinking about this for a moment he says to me:

M: I really think that's best. (meaning just me & the baby)
Me: Oh? why's that?
M: 'Cause that way, at dinner, you only have to make 2 dinners. When Mommy makes dinner, she has to make FOUR!

So precious! They are excited, to say the least & are both convinced it will be a boy & gave me some interesting name suggestions.

Here I am 9 weeks now...I saw my RE today & he is very pleased with my results from last week & said there was nothing to indicate any concerns & said he didn't think any further U/S were necessary...I asked him if he was SURE he didn't want to check...he smiled & asked if I would feel better if we did another U/S & I nodded emphatically so he booked me in for next week, just to put my mind at ease...although knowing he didn't think it necessary made me feel really good.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My Perfect Day


That's my perfect little baby! Adorable, right? Couldn't be more perfect either! Measuring exactly 8 weeks with a heartrate of 160 bpm!!

What relief...what absolute relief! They are also calculating my due date as March 10th now...I know, due date-shmue date...baby will come when baby is ready.

Because of my previous miscarriage, my RE wants to see me again, my appointment is next Wednesday. I also see my family doctor next Thursday. One benefit is that I get more ultrasounds & more opportunities to see my precious baby!!!

What an amazingly perfect day!!! My Mom came with me again & we both saw my baby for the 1st time together. It was such a special moment to share with my Mom. She has been unbelievably supportive through this whole journey...she & I have had our disagreements & rough patches but there has been one common thread...her unconditional love. No matter how I've ever disappointed her, she has always loved me fully & unconditionally. Growing up with that has given me an excellent example of how I want to be a mother. Oh sure, I have my own opinions about some stuff that differ from hers...but when it comes to love? She's an inspiration.

I wanted also to thank everyone for all their comments on my last post. It was so cathartic to write it & put it out there...Before writing it, I was afraid to admit I was scared...it felt as though I took the power of the fear away by facing it, admitting it, sharing it...then to receive so much encouragement & well wishes really bolstered me when I needed it. So thank you all.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

7 Weeks

Today I am 7 weeks pregnant...the last 3 weeks since I found out I was pregnant have been...stressful. I have put on a positive outward facade...but inside I have been full of turmoil & fear.

From the beginning I haven't felt like I was pregnant & I just keep turning over in my mind if it's actually true or if I am headed toward another heartbreak. I am afraid to allow myself to be hopeful in order to steal myself against possible disappointment...then I think it has to be okay this time & I'm cheating myself by not allowing myself to feel the joy...it's a vicious circle.

I have exactly 3 symptoms...THREE!

1st: I have to pee ALL THE TIME...that's a good sign, right? This must mean everything is progressing okay, right? Everytime I have to get up AGAIN to go to the washroom, I feel myself get a little hopeful...then I remember that I had to pee all the time last time too...vicious circle.

2nd: I am EXHAUSTED all the time! I am so tired I want to stab myself in the eyes...even after a full 6 hours straight of sleep (between getting up to pee) & lounging all day on the couch, I am still so very tired. This has to be a good sign, right? I don't remember being this tired last time...& I get a little more hopeful...then I start thinking that maybe I'm tired because of the emotional turmoil I'm in & if I believe this is a good sign, I'm just setting myself up for a huge fall...vicious circle.

3rd: My breasts have gotten very tender & in a different way from last time...last time they hurt from the beginning & I'm sure it was a side effect of the progesterone more than the pregnancy. This time they didn't start hurting until a few weeks in & it was different...for 3-4 days they felt like they were...buzzing & they felt itchy but from the inside then they became tender...that's gotta be good, right? And the tenderness was more from the inside than just the normal period-feeling tenderness...I was really getting hopeful with this one, it seemed like such a good sign...then this morning...nothing, gone! No more tenderness at all...

I would be lying if I said I wasn't still obsessing about my low hCG levels with my betas too...sure they doubled but they doubled last time too...& don't forget that I missed 3 doses of my progesterone when I was so sure my period was starting...what if my baby was developing fine then by my not taking those 3 doses I changed the course...

Deeper than that, the fear that grips me is that if I miscarry this baby too, that will indicate a bigger issue...to miscarry once can be chalked up to a fluke of nature...the statistics say that 1 miscarriage is not an indicator of anything & "at least your body knows how to get pregnant"...but 2 miscarriages?

I believe that things happen for a reason & what's meant to be will be...after going through the process of realizing & accepting that I won't meet my soul mate in time to have my dream family...then contemplating & deciding to not accept that this means I won't be a mom...by taking control of my life & going after my dream of motherhood regardless how untraditional the method...am I supposed to believe that after all of this I may be childless in the end anyway?

After my 1st miscarriage, I was so bent on moving on, not dwelling, moving forward...I felt that I deserved the hurt & heartbreak of my 1st miscarriage but that it had earned me a place in the motherhood club...that if I just tried again as soon as possible, I'd be pregnant & it would all be worth it...now here I am & I fear the fates are breathing down my neck saying, "Not so fast, lady!"

What am I to do? Don't get me wrong, I have allowed myself to daydream about this baby & imagine a healthy pregnancy & what it will be like...but I catch myself before I get to wishful because of the vicious circle...but I've realized one very important thing: trying to remain unattached won't make a loss hurt any less.

So I wait...exactly 1 week...next Wednesday I go for my U/S...the moment of truth.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Twit

I have mentioned before about my iGoogle Homepage & the Useless Knowledge gadget...well take a look at this pearl:


I'm glad I'm not a Goldfish!!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Very Excited!!

I can't even quite digest this all yet...I can't express exactly how sure I was that this cycle was a bust...but I am definitely pregnant!

I went yesterday for my 2nd BT & more than doubled...126.6 hCG...and as much as I would like it to be way higher, I have to remember that it's the doubling that matters & that it's higher than at this point last time!

I have my 7 week U/S on July 28th...25 days! It seems like so far away...more waiting...

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Twist of Fate

When I posted Monday evening, I just knew I was on the verge of getting my period. I was experiencing pretty intense lower back pain which is always my 1st warning that I'm about to start. Then late Monday afternoon I noticed my 1st signs of spotting...period was inevitable, right? I stopped taking my progesterone suppositories...what was the point, I might as well save them, right?

Tuesday morning (CD28), I expected to wake up to full flow...what did I wake up to? Nothing! Even my lower back pain had subsided...throughout the day I kept expecting it to come back...I mean, I wanted a CD1 so I could start the process for try #3!! But all day, NOTHING!

When I woke up this morning, still nothing! I was sure it was just taking it's time but just to put my mind at ease, I decided to take a HPT...I had a cheap one, why waste a good one, right?).

I took the test & got a 2nd line almost immediately! My 1st thought? WTF!!! I looked & looked again...I couldn't believe it!! And of course I started doubting it. How could this be? I had no symptoms whatsoever...no tender breasts, no nausea, nothing! The test was a cheap one, it was probably a false positive...

I quickly got ready & high-tailed it to my clinic for a beta...blood tests don't lie & I was sure it would come up negative...or maybe this was just a chemical...I mentioned I'd had no symptoms, right?

My nurse called at about 11:30am today...the verdict? BFP!! My 1st thought? WTF!!! I have a 51.98 hCG!!! She warned that my progesterone was very low...well, ya! I'd stopped taking it!!! I immediately hauled my ass home & deposited my suppository!!!

I can't even believe this. I was so sure this was a no go. When it felt like my period was starting, I wasn't surprised. I'm in shock that I've actually got a BFP! I don't know if it's even sunk in...

Then there's no guarantee it'll stick...I go back Friday to may sure my hCG doubles...it may not. Even though 51.98 is higher than this point last time, it's still not off the charts high...this could indicate another blighted ovum...last time I knew it wasn't my fault that I miscarried. This time? How can I not blame myself? If I had just kept taking my progesterone...okay, that's it. My 5 seconds are up...I let the fear in & now I am going to remain calm & positive.

Monday, June 28, 2010

No Need to Test...

Aunt Flo has been banging down my door all day...it also feels like she's drop-kicked me in my lower back!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed...but what else can I do but look forward to try #3?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

2ww Randomness

1 week down, 1 week to go...it hasn't been so bad as far as 2ww go...I'm experiencing the usual flop flopping of, "I think I feel pregnant" to "No way, this is a bust, I feel nothing"...

I bought some pregnancy tests yesterday...no, I didn't use any yet...I'm not ready to give up the dream...by not taking the test, I can still blissfully imagine that I am preggers...I bought the tests because they were on sale & thought that must be a sign...

Last weekend was dreadful...not because anything bad happened...it was actually nice in that sense, I was house & dog sitting so it felt like I was on a mini vacation...I didn't have to do anything but hang out with the dog, Murphy, a Westie who is an absolute sweetheart...it was dreadful because I didn't have much mental stimulation to distract me from thinking about whether I'm pregnant or not...I watched a bunch of movies & read a little, slept a lot...it was very relaxing & really was a great weekend but it was nice to get back to work on Monday.

Work has been extremely busy lately & I love it...1st because I love what I do & the people I work with & for & 2nd because it keeps my mind mostly occupied so I'm not obsessing...I can go whole minutes without thinking about it, lol!!

This coming weekend is a busy one (thank god!), I will be quite occupied...Saturday we're having a family BBQ at my house...which is CD25, 10dpiui, 3 days prior to expected AF...the soonest I could test...however, if I get a BFN, that'll ruin my mood for the BBQ & I don't want to do that...that takes me to Sunday, why not test then? Well, I'm taking my aunt to see The Tempest at the Stratford Festival starring Christopher Plummer on Sunday, I don't want to be bummed out for that!! So the very soonest I will test is Monday...

Also, to keep occupied, I am participating in my 1st International Comment Leaving Week...I am really getting a lot more out of it than I could have imagined...reading the inspirational stories of other women & their experiences & successes...even the heartbreaking stories are inspiring because of the unbelievable strength & bravery these women show both in how they deal with their situatons & for sharing it with the world...

Thank you to everyone for stopping by & offering your well wishes...but especially thank you to everyone for sharing these intimate parts of your lives.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Lucky Number 2

And so it begins...I am inseminated! I got the call from my nurse yesterday that I was surging...I felt a sense of satisfaction knowing I felt the symptoms of ovulation only to be confirmed by my BW...although now I still have an Ovidril shot I don't need...

My appointment was this morning & my Mom came along with me this time...I feel it's so special for her to be there with me now at the very beginning & then at the birth...although she wasn't in the room during the actual insemination, that would have been too weird...but I was glad to have her with me for the rest of the time.

I was also so happy that Nicole, the nurse who did my IUI last time was there again & was available to do it this time...minus all the drama! Everything worked out perfectly & now the wait begins.

I'm in such a different state of mind this time...I'm well aware of all the negatives & possible disappointments but I refuse to dwell on them now...there's no point...I've dealt with hard stuff in my life & worrying about it before hand never prevented it from happening nor made me more prepared to deal with it...

I'd rather fill my time in the next 2 weeks daydreaming about my upcoming positive beta & my 7wk U/S & hearing my baby's heartbeat for the 1st time...getting excited about blowing my co-worker's minds when I tell them I'm pregnant...I'm going to imagine which crib I'm going to buy & how I'm going to arrange everything...

Everything is all up to nature & fate now so I'm going to just be positive & zen...Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dear Follie,

I am so proud of you for working so hard & having a growth spurt...2.0! Way to go!

Now I want to prepare you because you'll be having some visitors in the next day or so...there will be millions of them but I want you to be hospitable...don't be overwhelmed, you only have to let 1 in so pick the best, stongest one & then get aquainted because you two will go on a little trip...

Hold on tight to each other & enjoy the ride because at the end I've prepared a nice soft place for you to land & when you get there, snuggle in & latch on tight & continue this awesome growing you've started already!

Then, nine months from now (give or take) I'll bring you into my world & continue to love you & nurture you for the rest of your life!

I love you, Follie!
Mommy

Monday, June 14, 2010

Another Quick One...

CD13 - All my hopes & dreams are pinned to 1 follicle!

Okay, way to over dramatic, lol! But it looks as though it's just the one that's growing, it's up to 1.7 now...1 is all I need!

My home page at work is the iGoogle personalized homepage & one of the gadgets I have is called "Useless Knowledge"...well guess what popped up today:


Just in case I needed to know...too funny!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Quick Update...

...had another U/S this morning...my follies on the right have gotten smaller so as the Tech said, the party is happening in my left ovary...however, they're not growing as dramatically as last time...1 is 1.6 now & the 0.8 grew to 0.9 but no change in the other 0.9...my lining is thickening nicely at 7.6...

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little discouraged...but keeping my promise to myself to stay positive, I reminded myself that I only need 1 good follie so I'm thinking positive grow thoughts for my little 1.6-er & if little 0.9-er wants to get big, I'm good with that too!

I go again tomorrow to see how we're doing...looks as though Wednesday will be the day...

Nightie-Night! (Yes it's only 8:07pm but I gotta get up at 4:30!!)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Looking Good, Kid...

Happy Weekend, Everyone!

I went yesterday for my CD10 U/S & BW...things are looking pretty good...3 follies in my right, still measuring 0.9 & 3 follies in my left now measuring 1.3, 0.9 & 0.8...it looks as though the left ones are the growers this month...my lining is doing well at 5.2 but I started Estrace last night just to be safe...looks as though insem will be Wednesday or Thursday...I'm getting very excited!!

 
I've made a lot of plans to keep busy this weekend plus to accomplish some stuff that I won't want to do after my IUI...I was up 1st thing this morning & did some deep scrub cleaning of my kitchen & bathroom...I'm taking my nephews to see the new Shrek movie later this afternoon...tomorrow I go in for U/S & BW then I'm going for a massage & I'm going to stop in to visit one of my aunts to help her with some stuff...I am also going to dye my hair!! Yup, not making that mistake again!

 
Also, the good thing about my U/S & BW on Sunday...I assumed I'd have to go into Toronto to their main offices since my office is usually closed on the weekend but they have started opening weekends for the last month or so...that's convenient!

 
I'm feeling really ready for this & my 2WW...I'm still all about the positive visualization & thinking good baby making thoughts...

Good luck to my fellow bloggers who are or are about to be in the 2WW as well!