Today I am 7 weeks pregnant...the last 3 weeks since I found out I was pregnant have been...stressful. I have put on a positive outward facade...but inside I have been full of turmoil & fear.
From the beginning I haven't felt like I was pregnant & I just keep turning over in my mind if it's actually true or if I am headed toward another heartbreak. I am afraid to allow myself to be hopeful in order to steal myself against possible disappointment...then I think it has to be okay this time & I'm cheating myself by not allowing myself to feel the joy...it's a vicious circle.
I have exactly 3 symptoms...THREE!
1st: I have to pee ALL THE TIME...that's a good sign, right? This must mean everything is progressing okay, right? Everytime I have to get up AGAIN to go to the washroom, I feel myself get a little hopeful...then I remember that I had to pee all the time last time too...vicious circle.
2nd: I am EXHAUSTED all the time! I am so tired I want to stab myself in the eyes...even after a full 6 hours straight of sleep (between getting up to pee) & lounging all day on the couch, I am still so very tired. This has to be a good sign, right? I don't remember being this tired last time...& I get a little more hopeful...then I start thinking that maybe I'm tired because of the emotional turmoil I'm in & if I believe this is a good sign, I'm just setting myself up for a huge fall...vicious circle.
3rd: My breasts have gotten very tender & in a different way from last time...last time they hurt from the beginning & I'm sure it was a side effect of the progesterone more than the pregnancy. This time they didn't start hurting until a few weeks in & it was different...for 3-4 days they felt like they were...buzzing & they felt itchy but from the inside then they became tender...that's gotta be good, right? And the tenderness was more from the inside than just the normal period-feeling tenderness...I was really getting hopeful with this one, it seemed like such a good sign...then this morning...nothing, gone! No more tenderness at all...
I would be lying if I said I wasn't still obsessing about my low hCG levels with my betas too...sure they doubled but they doubled last time too...& don't forget that I missed 3 doses of my progesterone when I was so sure my period was starting...what if my baby was developing fine then by my not taking those 3 doses I changed the course...
Deeper than that, the fear that grips me is that if I miscarry this baby too, that will indicate a bigger issue...to miscarry once can be chalked up to a fluke of nature...the statistics say that 1 miscarriage is not an indicator of anything & "at least your body knows how to get pregnant"...but 2 miscarriages?
I believe that things happen for a reason & what's meant to be will be...after going through the process of realizing & accepting that I won't meet my soul mate in time to have my dream family...then contemplating & deciding to not accept that this means I won't be a mom...by taking control of my life & going after my dream of motherhood regardless how untraditional the method...am I supposed to believe that after all of this I may be childless in the end anyway?
After my 1st miscarriage, I was so bent on moving on, not dwelling, moving forward...I felt that I deserved the hurt & heartbreak of my 1st miscarriage but that it had earned me a place in the motherhood club...that if I just tried again as soon as possible, I'd be pregnant & it would all be worth it...now here I am & I fear the fates are breathing down my neck saying, "Not so fast, lady!"
What am I to do? Don't get me wrong, I have allowed myself to daydream about this baby & imagine a healthy pregnancy & what it will be like...but I catch myself before I get to wishful because of the vicious circle...but I've realized one very important thing: trying to remain unattached won't make a loss hurt any less.
So I wait...exactly 1 week...next Wednesday I go for my U/S...the moment of truth.