Wednesday, July 21, 2010

7 Weeks

Today I am 7 weeks pregnant...the last 3 weeks since I found out I was pregnant have been...stressful. I have put on a positive outward facade...but inside I have been full of turmoil & fear.

From the beginning I haven't felt like I was pregnant & I just keep turning over in my mind if it's actually true or if I am headed toward another heartbreak. I am afraid to allow myself to be hopeful in order to steal myself against possible disappointment...then I think it has to be okay this time & I'm cheating myself by not allowing myself to feel the's a vicious circle.

I have exactly 3 symptoms...THREE!

1st: I have to pee ALL THE TIME...that's a good sign, right? This must mean everything is progressing okay, right? Everytime I have to get up AGAIN to go to the washroom, I feel myself get a little hopeful...then I remember that I had to pee all the time last time too...vicious circle.

2nd: I am EXHAUSTED all the time! I am so tired I want to stab myself in the eyes...even after a full 6 hours straight of sleep (between getting up to pee) & lounging all day on the couch, I am still so very tired. This has to be a good sign, right? I don't remember being this tired last time...& I get a little more hopeful...then I start thinking that maybe I'm tired because of the emotional turmoil I'm in & if I believe this is a good sign, I'm just setting myself up for a huge fall...vicious circle.

3rd: My breasts have gotten very tender & in a different way from last time...last time they hurt from the beginning & I'm sure it was a side effect of the progesterone more than the pregnancy. This time they didn't start hurting until a few weeks in & it was different...for 3-4 days they felt like they were...buzzing & they felt itchy but from the inside then they became tender...that's gotta be good, right? And the tenderness was more from the inside than just the normal period-feeling tenderness...I was really getting hopeful with this one, it seemed like such a good sign...then this morning...nothing, gone! No more tenderness at all...

I would be lying if I said I wasn't still obsessing about my low hCG levels with my betas too...sure they doubled but they doubled last time too...& don't forget that I missed 3 doses of my progesterone when I was so sure my period was starting...what if my baby was developing fine then by my not taking those 3 doses I changed the course...

Deeper than that, the fear that grips me is that if I miscarry this baby too, that will indicate a bigger miscarry once can be chalked up to a fluke of nature...the statistics say that 1 miscarriage is not an indicator of anything & "at least your body knows how to get pregnant"...but 2 miscarriages?

I believe that things happen for a reason & what's meant to be will be...after going through the process of realizing & accepting that I won't meet my soul mate in time to have my dream family...then contemplating & deciding to not accept that this means I won't be a taking control of my life & going after my dream of motherhood regardless how untraditional the I supposed to believe that after all of this I may be childless in the end anyway?

After my 1st miscarriage, I was so bent on moving on, not dwelling, moving forward...I felt that I deserved the hurt & heartbreak of my 1st miscarriage but that it had earned me a place in the motherhood club...that if I just tried again as soon as possible, I'd be pregnant & it would all be worth here I am & I fear the fates are breathing down my neck saying, "Not so fast, lady!"

What am I to do? Don't get me wrong, I have allowed myself to daydream about this baby & imagine a healthy pregnancy & what it will be like...but I catch myself before I get to wishful because of the vicious circle...but I've realized one very important thing: trying to remain unattached won't make a loss hurt any less.

So I wait...exactly 1 Wednesday I go for my U/S...the moment of truth.


  1. I totally get the not wanting to believe, the needing to be happy but also wanting to distance yourself to protect yourself in case anything goes wrong.

    We've been ttc for 11 years. All we have to show for it is alot of heartache oh and 8 miscarriages. Each one is harder than the last because with each new BFP I have hope that maybe, just maybe, this one will give us a living breathing baby.

    What each miscarriage has taught me is that because I don't know what it will bring, I revel in the moment. It doesn't matter if I'm pregnant for 6 weeks or 10 weeks, I enjoy everyday that I am.

    I wish you luck and hope that your u/s shows a healthy growing bubba with a strong heartbeat.


  2. Thanks for stopping by my blog, Tiara ... I know how anxious you feel, and I also know that even when you pass the mark where you miscarried last time, you may not feel much more secure. I hope that this pregnancy brings you joy, too ... but in the meantime, perhaps it's useful to do what someone else suggested in my own comments: to focus on the now, and the fact that a little life is growing inside of me. We can only take it one day at a time.

    Hoping for a great ultrasound ...

  3. I can't say I know what you are going through, because I don't. (I'm just starting in the trying process). But, I know, alot of mental anguish is about reliving the past hurts and fearing the unknown future. "Mind-talk" is very understandable, but it hasn't seemed to ever make me feel better. When, I'm so very caught up in my thoughts (that's all they are really, just thoughts out of control), I stop myself and focus on something in the moment, this moment right now, and take myself out of my head, so to speak. Because right now, everything is really just fine.
    So, next week, is next week, and you'll deal with whatever happens then..then. But right now, everything is ok.

    My best to you and your little peanut!


  4. I know how you feel, I always had these concerns- I felt this way the WHOLE nine months I was pregnant!! It is so scary being pregnant (for me it was a lot at least)...For me it wasn't like it is in the movies (a fun and fast) times it was (like when he kicked and stretched), but a lot of the time I worried because I just didn't know if this time I was going to be a mommy or not.

    The lesson I learned after everything is to document everything about what you are experiencing- journal or blog, you will feel better getting it out (I didn't blog as much as I wish I had during my pregnancy!!) and someday when you are a mommy you will enjoy looking back!!

    Your symptoms are real! They are GOOD! YOU ARE PREGNANT TODAY!! YOU ARE A MOMMY TODAY!! YEAH!!

  5. I'm with Madrecita...I felt this same way my entire pregnancy, too! The only advice I have, if you can call it actual advice, is to simply take it one day at a time, one week at a time, and just focus on that. The weeks and months will pass, and you'll be amazed that you're finally through your first, then your second, then your third trimester. There just aren't any guarantees, unfortunately, even once Baby gets here. But you are pregnant today, and that's worthy of celebration!! Yay!

  6. I can ease your mind about one thing - the 3 doses of progesterone you missed in the beginning. Progesterone just sustains the pregnancy - keeps the embryo implanted. So if missing a few doses was going to affect this baby, it would have back when you skipped them, with bleeding and a threatened or actual miscarriage (but not a missed one, it would have been obvious), so you would not be in this place now, agonizing over symptoms and anxiously awaiting your ultrasound.

    Chances are very good that all is well - believe that. And then remind me I said that when I'm in your position again. :)

  7. I had all those symptoms, too! They are very good signs. For what it's worth the 7th and 8th weeks were very tough emotionally. I really second guessed and questioned everything. By the 10-11th weeks though, I was bolstered by a wave of confidence and strength. All will be well--hang in there.

  8. Wishing you the very best in the coming weeks/months.

    An ICLW Visit from #107 (mfi, speedskating, strength)
    liddy @ the unfair struggle

  9. I have been - AM - in your shoes. We lost our last pregnancy too and with this one I was terrified of getting attached to it. I was so sure I was just going to lose it anyway so why get hopeful.

    Getting pregnant after a loss is a total mind "f" - you worry about everything, you think about everything, you compare everything to last time.

    What finally made me "relax" was a combo of a few things.

    1. I read a post about celebrating today for being pregnant. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Today you ARE pregnant.

    2. I wrote a post to my baby. I spoke to our child and that made it seem more real. I told him/her how much I want them and how hard we've tried to get them.

    3. I saw the heartbeat on an ultrasound.

    It's a long road, it's a struggle and you're not alone! I wrote a post just like this when I found out we were pregnant again.

    I hope you find comfort and joy in your pregnancy!

    ICLW #26

  10. After losing my 2nd pregnancy I came to the realization that every pregnancy after that one I will be in fear.
    It is a hard road, but you are part way there! I hope your u/s next week is wonderful.
    ICLW #40

  11. Your symptoms are solid evidence your pregnancy is progressing just like it should be. I don't blame you for questioning all of it though---your loss has definitely taken the wind out of your sail. The previous posts are all very well said. Take it one day at a time, as hard as that is. Try to focus and enjoy each day for what it is. Create a ticker or set up a system of check boxes where you check off every week, or every day if it makes you feel better.
    You are a mom --you're creating life in this very moment. And we all can't wait to read how your pregnancy unfolds week by week!
    Big hug!!

  12. Thanks for dropping by and saying hello on my blog! I agree with all the previous posters... right now, you ARE pregnant! You ARE a mommy... and once you see that sweet heartbeat next week, because you will, the stress will ease up!

  13. You sound normally pregnant to me! I'm jealous. ;) But I totally know where you're coming from; you and I miscarried our first not far apart in time. I'm not TTC again until late August or September, though, giving my body and the acupuncture some time to get to know each other.

    My best advice is to KEEP BUSY. If you are busy, you won't be thinking as much about what could be going wrong. I know that can be tough when you are so tired (I was *so* tired during my pregnancy, omg)...but if nothing else, start baby shopping, figure out your list of must-haves, to-do's, gather addresses for baby shower invitations, and all the million other productive, positive things you can do that will make this baby more of a reality in your mind. :)

    Stay positive, girlfriend, and hang in there!

  14. I wish you a lot of luck in this pregnancy. I hope you can start to enjoy it...*huge hugs*

    iclw #31

  15. Best of luck to you in this pregnancy. I hope that your nerves will be calmed and you can start to enjoy it soon!

    iclw #50

  16. Ooooh congratulations on the pregnancy!
    Before meeting my boyfriend I was on the same route you are now. Well, heading for it. I wanted a baby and if it meant no man, well so be it.

    I totally get your fear and anxiety. Don't forget to breathe deeply. It helps.

  17. Positive outward fascade is better than nothing. Fake it, til you make it....and you WILL both make it.

  18. I was terrified from the day I got the BFP to the day I brought her home and then some. It got so bad, that I had to will myself to take it one day at at time, and force myself to think positive. It was hard but I would have gone nuts otherwise. Hang in there and Congratulations.

  19. stopping by from ICLW

    I will be thinking of you and your little one, and checking in for good news next Wednesday!

  20. Try not to go crazy analyze every symptom! I know, easier said than done! Positive thoughts only!! Wishing you all the best! ICLW # 45 & 46

  21. I am hoping for good news next week. I understand completely the fear. I had 3 losses before I was able to have my son. Every little twinge sent me into panic mode.
    Your symptoms sound pretty solid. Keep thinking positive thoughts, and when you just aren't able to conjure up any, know that lots of other people are thinking them for you!

  22. It's hard being pregnant after a miscarriage, at least until you get to feel the baby and know he or she is there. And the sypmtoms.. do they mean this or that... I just hope you see a beautiful embryo next week!

    Oh, and about not taking the progestrone - I too didn't believe I was pregnant so I stopped taking them. Not only did I end up with a healthy young girl, but one that got too much progestrone in the womb as she was born with boobs and milk!

  23. I hope your ultrasound shows you a perfect baby with a beautiful beating heart! I'll bet you are on the edge of your seat waiting for it. Best of luck!

    ICLW #27

  24. Fingers and toes crossed for you!

    Happy ICLW! :)

  25. Wishing you good news for your u/s.

    ~Happy ICLW~

  26. Good luck to you. It is really hard not to get caught up in all of the mind games.

    I hope your u/s goes well Wednesday!

  27. Stopping by from ICLW...good luck and congrats on the pregnancy! Hopefully everthing goes well at your u/s next week!!!

  28. Visiting from ICLW. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope your u/s went well today.

  29. I'm here from ICLW. I completely understand where you're coming from, but your symptoms are definitely solid ones!! I'm wishing you a great pregnancy

  30. Congrats on your pregnancy, I hope it goes perfectly. I am during my first cycle since m/c twins and I am scared out of my mind. I don't think the fear goes away. ((HUGS))


  31. Sending you good vibes for a healthy road ahead.

    You and your little one are in my thoughts.

  32. You have beautifully captured the 'moving forward' part of recovering from a miscarriage while still feeling anxious. I'm so pleased it looks like things are going so well. x

  33. Here from the creme.

    I had to peek ahead to make sure that you were on your way to a happy ending. Whew! I'm so glad. Congratulations!


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