Aunt
Flo kicked down my door January 2nd & made it clear in no
uncertain terms that I will be her bitch in 2012…after 1 year & 7 months of
not having a period I knew it had to start sometime…I was actually a little
relieved only because in the 3 weeks prior I’d been feeling very weird &
off…I couldn’t explain it but just didn’t feel right, I wasn’t able to sleep, I
felt very on edge…well, obviously my hormones were running amok…it’s nice to
have an explanation for why I was feeling that way…but for 13 days…bleeding,
not spotting either but actual flow. Is that normal?
I was
sort of holding off weaning Elena in hopes of keeping Aunt Flo at bay but since
that’s now a moot point, I’ve cut out 1 feeding so far…ya, I know, big whoop!
But it’s taken me more than a month to work myself up to that. I kept saying I
needed to start weaning her but just couldn’t bring myself to start.
I’ve
been having mixed feelings about it…a big part of me really wants to stop
breastfeeding…I can’t really articulate why I didn’t…don’t…want to anymore…but
these feelings brought on very strong feelings of guilt…especially reading
other women expressing how much they were dreading weaning or missing breastfeeding
or sad they never could breastfeed. I was/am beating myself up that I’m taking
breastfeeding for granted...except that I don’t…take it for granted, I mean.
On
top of that, I’m agonizing over the emotional impact on Elena. Am I going to
make her feel abandoned…or will she feel like I’m pushing her away? In the
beginning, breastfeeding was a very intense bonding experience for me. It was
very important to me to be able to provide Elena’s sole source of nourishment
& because she nursed every 2 hours (or less) for the 1st 4
months, I relished in the one on one time.
Since
Elena started crawling (& even more so since she’s been walking) our
bonding seems to occur less while she’s at my breast & more while we share
laughs, play games, read books, snuggle…and breastfeeding has seemed to become
more of a necessary pause in the fun…except at her bedtime feeding, she only
nurses for 10 minutes or less then pops off with a smile & is ready to
play.
I’ve
started to think something’s wrong with me that I’m not getting the warm &
fuzzies about breastfeeding anymore. Like I should be grieving the end of this
chapter of motherhood…instead I just feel like…well, like it’s just time…this
confuses me because we worked so hard to breastfeed, Elena & I…many times
in those 1st few days & weeks I thought of giving up but we
persevered...& now I’m giving it up so easily? Well, not easily but I’m
okay with it.
So I’m
just a mess of emotion. Instead of having to accept that we’re almost done
breastfeeding, I guess I actually need to accept that I’m okay with it.
There
is one problem…Elena won’t drink milk. I started her on sippy cups ages ago
& she’s a champ…she drinks water all day…so I know she knows how to use the
cups but she won’t drink more than a sip or 2 of milk. To compensate, I’m
giving her yogurt regularly & about to try cheese so hopefully that’ll be
ok…
She’s
eating really well now…I’ve gotten over my choking fear. Elena has proven
herself to have a very good gag reflex & we are ever vigilant with what we
give her. I have taken Billy’s advice & we feed Elena off our plates now
too…my Mom is better at it than me but since starting this I’ve seen great
improvement in Elena’s chewing & biting, she’s even eating the baby
biscuits & Mum Mum crackers…she does well with toast too…I have to admit
that I’m at a bit of a loss with snacks…I don’t want to give her cookies all
the time & toast seems boring…I give Elena fruit at breakfast & fruit
& yogurt at lunch & dinner so it seems a bit much to give her fruit as
a snack too… so I’m asking for ideas!! Help me out ladies!!
