I need your advice…I’m asking for
your opinion…on a few things…all related to “The Daddy Question”
I have started telling Elena the
story of her…I’m interested in your thoughts…here’s what I tell her:
“I always wanted to be a mommy…I waited & waited & waited…until I couldn’t wait anymore. I thought & thought & I looked & looked & picked the very best donor. Then, I went to a special Doctor & he put the donor sperm into Mommy’s tummy & it combined with Mommy’s egg…& it grew & grew & got bigger & bigger…& became YOU!! I always wanted to be your mommy. I love you so very much & you make me so very proud”…then we kiss & cuddle.The funniest is that she gets so excited when we get to the part about the doctor & she squeals, “Doctor! Doctor!” She also loves the part about getting bigger & becoming her.
What do you think? Can I phrase
any of it any better? Am I missing any important info? Am I giving too much
info?
Elena is still calling my Mom “Daddy”
instead of Gramma. We never refer to her as daddy but my Mom does answer to it.
Initially, it felt as though Elena was just confusing sounds. For example, she
says doctor “gah-go”…but it has become apparent that she knows the difference
between “daddy” & “gramma”. At gymnastics, when a father is there, she will
point at them & say, “Daddy!” (I don’t mean she thinks this is her daddy, she is just pointing out he
is a daddy) When I encourage
Elena to say “Gramma”, she just looks at me slyly…I have even just made it a
non-issue, thinking she’ll just switch to Gramma…part of me feels as though
this is the name she has chosen for my Mom & it doesn’t seem to bother my Mom…so
why not just let Elena call her Daddy?
My concern is, now that Elena is attending
preschool, interacting more & more with other children & families, will
she be ridiculed for calling my Mom Daddy? It can be complicated to explain to
new people all the time that Elena means Gramma when she says “daddy”…when the
three of us are out together & Elena is calling “Da-dee!!!” & my Mom
responds we get some odd looks for sure. So what are the potential issues with
Elena calling my Mom daddy? Do you think I should worry less about what others
think & just let Elena call my Mom what she wants? What about when she gets
to kindergarten & older?
Elena has become very aware of
men lately; she points them out all the time & says, “Maaaan.” She will
also identify them as daddies. So she seems aware what a daddy is. Am I harming
her psychologically by allowing her to label my Mom “Daddy”? Daddy feels &
sounds so much like a term of endearment when Elena says it in reference to my
Mom. Am I harming her psychologically by forcing her to call my Mom “Gramma”?
What do you think? What advice do
you have for me? Because I am turning this all over in my head constantly &
would really love to hear some new perspectives.
I haven't been in your shoes (yet), though I have told my son his story many times. I had a hard time deciding if I should use the proper terminology (sperm and egg) right off the bat, or just gradually transition from kid friendly terms to technical/clinical terminology. It is hard to know how much they really understand when we use words for which they have no other context.
ReplyDeleteYes! I stuggled with which term to use for sperm. Seed just doesn't sound natural to me but sperm sounds so adult...I also wasn't sure between uterus & tummy but thought we'd have plenty of time to get specific, lol
DeleteI wouldn't worry about calling your mom Daddy. I agree she'll probably just switch to Gramma at some point. And I wouldn't worry too about ridicule. In preschool Fiona's classmates (age 3-5) became much more forward about comments, questions about her dad, etc. It has been a time of rapidly increasing awareness and questioning. So just wait until you're asked point blank by some 4 year old in front of a bunch of parents! I love the way you describe having her- I do it very similarly. I use both "baby seeds" and "sperm" for sperm (and egg for egg) and it cracks me up to hear Fiona talk matter of factly about sperm. We have the book "Just the Baby for Me" and it tells the story almost exactly as you describe in a really sweet way, but I see it is now unavailable on Amazon so not sure its in print still. Sounds like you are doing great!
ReplyDeleteNow that you mention it, I think I have that book tucked away. I bought a bunch just after E was born, Nan's Donuts, one from Mikki's sight...I'll have to dig those out
DeleteI wouldn't worry about it. I used to be daddy and my mom was pawpaw even longer. It's not so much a confusion as it is a preference and just a title at the moment. She could just want to call her that or she may enjoy the reaction. j enjoyed the reaction he would get from my mother. I think thats why it lasted longer. I just explained that I'm mommy not daddy and let it go. Eventually he switched back to mom and Lovey though he does love to tease her.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely worry less. If she remains attached to the name, let her and she'll stand up for herself rather than think something is wrong. That's just my opinion though.
She definitely got a lot of reaction when she 1st started but now we're all just use to it. But I do "correct" her often. Maybe if I back off that she'll gradually drop it
DeleteDon't worry about it. She'll use the 'right' word eventually. The cool thing is at this age she thinks families are gender neutral.
ReplyDeleteShe thinks families are gender/age and role neutral! So cool
ReplyDeleteOur versions are very similar but I do use seed instead of sperm. It seemed to fit because we also plant things in a garden so seeds growing in to something else was a familiar concept. As he gets older I'm sure we'll be updating the terms. Dresden over at creating motherhood blogged about father's day awhile back and it really was a lightbulb moment for me. She celebrates the parent (daddy) that her son might be someday. I used that idea to talk to O about how when he's older he might be a parent called dad. It really helped me to reframe my thoughts on talking about daddy or reading about daddy in books. It wasn't something that he doesn't have but something that he might someday become.
ReplyDeleteI love that daddy idea!
DeleteMy mom used the word "sperm" and I ended up getting it confused with "perm" (it was the 80s, after all) and thought getting pregnant had to do with perming one's belly button somehow. I also thought my belly button would get bigger and open as I got older. I think the key is having the conversation often and asking questions sometimes, not just having it once like my mom did.
ReplyDeleteNot exactly the same thing, but one of Sunshine’s first words was cat, and even though she knew the difference, she would call all the dogs in the neighborhood “CAT!” She enjoyed the reaction. She would even sometimes sign dog, and say cat. With that sly smile. I eventually began correcting her as if I got her joke. “Oh, Sunshine! You’re so silly! You know that’s a doggie.”
ReplyDeleteNormally I would say that if she can pick up on the fact that calling her "daddy" means something, that it gets a reaction, she may do it more instead of less if you draw attention to it. But as you say, it isn't just something contained inside the house. It's being said in a more public sense. I like Dora's advice above, especially correcting gently, so she understands that there is nothing wrong with getting things mixed up... by accident or on purpose.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry too much about her calling your mom "daddy." Don't give her to big of a response and if she's doing it for the reaction she'll stop. Eventually she'll figure it out.
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds good. I struggled with our "story" for awhile and then decided to go against the norm for SMCs and not have one. One night when I was telling her the story I realized that if she had a father in the next room her bedtime story would not include how she was conceived. Right now I stick to saying things that will lay the ground work for the "story." I say things like "I'm so glad I'm your mama" "I really wanted to be a mommy" and "I waited a long time before becoming a mommy." When we talk about families we'll talk about how our family is just a mommy and a child. As she grows older and more aware of daddies and where babies come from we'll talk about her donor and how I became a mommy.
I would just add, gently and when the time is right--"we don't have a daddy in this family--our family is a mommy, Elena and grandma family." Because she calls your mom "daddy" this is not as easy as it sounds (well, it's never easy for SMCs--we don't treat our children's conception stories lightly, do we?)
ReplyDeleteIt's been important here to remind the boys that we don't have a "daddy in our family" because they are close to their grandpa and have slipped up a couple of times and called him "daddy". I try to be VERY neutral when I remind them--I don't want to sound sad or lacking. I just want to present the facts (and perhaps the message that families come in all shapes and sizes.)
I think your story is LOVELY and agree with Lara about also saying to her that in our family we do not have a daddy, but we do have a mummy and daughter and a grandma.
ReplyDelete