Sunday, February 16, 2014


My greatest fear isn’t one I allow my brain to contemplate for too long as it hurts too much…that is a fear I won’t even talk about or write about…but it is every mother’s worst fear.
Second to that fear is one that I worry & think about often…I fear that something will happen to me, leaving Elena left without a parent. It's a reason keeping this blog is so important to me, so she has a window into my thoughts. I also keep a personal journal written to her. I take videos of us together, me talking to her…many many photos. All so that she’ll have them if I’m not around. I want to be sure to leave a clear record of how much I wanted Elena & how deeply I love her. I don’t want there to be any doubt in her.

I worry about this because long before I had Elena, long before I ever considered being a SMC, when I was young, I always had this…I don’t know…feeling. Not really a premonition, just…okay now I’m sounding crazy but hear me out…I always just felt that I wouldn’t grow old. And there was a time in my life that I wished for death to release me from the pain & depression I was drowning in. But life continued…life got better…life brought me here & now I fear & worry that I’ll still not grow old.…only now the stakes are higher.
My aunt was exactly my age now when she was diagnosed with her 1st cancer in 1983. After going through these last 8 weeks, I am so afraid of what can happen & how quickly it could happen. God, I hope I am turning 70 before my 1st real health scare...or older.
It hurts my heart to imagine Elena graduating high school without a parent, getting married, having children, navigating all of life’s ups & downs. I worry & worry & worry…& what am I supposed to do with that…keep healthy, give everything I have to making sure Elena is healthy & happy & loved. What else can I do?


  1. Oh, I hear you on this, I really do. I think about this all the time, too. But I think there's only so much anyone can do to precent the inevitable. And the inevitable can be anything - not just that we'll all die someday, but when, and how. I mean, there are people who eat incredibly healthily and exercise a ton who get cancer. And people who drive sober and at or under the speed limit who die in car crashes. And... you name it. So, I try not to focus too much on what I can do - I can do what I can do, and that's that.

    For what it's worth, I hope you're wrong about not growing old.

    And I had trouble commenting on your last post, because I was reading on my ipad and it's weird with commenting - But I'm so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. Sounds like your aunt had quite a life, with some major ups and downs. It's awesome that you were able to be there for her in her last weeks, and her last moments. It seems like she went peacefully and not alone, and that's worth a lot. In Judaism it's traditional to say "may her memory be a blessing". I do hope that for you, and for her.

  2. I can so relate to this blog. I can't say anymore. This topic frightens me too much.

  3. Having just read your previous post, I wonder if death is more on your mind than usual? Wouldn't be surprising.

    Of course we all have these terrible fears. But hopefully they aren't taking over most of your mental landscape. If they are, you might consider seeing a therapist to see if maybe you are depressed.

  4. Oh hon, those fears can eat you alive. And because we can never know what the future holds, they're even worse because they have the potential to just grow bigger and bigger and bigger unless you hold those thoughts at bay. I'm wishing you many more decades (and none of them filled with worry)

  5. I understand... completely. I just hope it will never be an issue and planned life insurance and a good guardian if it is. Nothing else you can do but hug and kiss her every day and reminder her how much you love her!

  6. I have the exact same fears too.

  7. Oh God. I know that first fear. I can't tell you how many times my heart just ached and the only thing I could do was think God don't let him leave me. Too real. When my family starting dying last year, I felt the same way and to be honest, I know that last fear too. You're doing all you can do. though it may never feel like enough, know that it is.

  8. Reading your post I grabbed my video camera to take some video of my daughter (playing with her cousin).
    I know that fear.. Hope we live long lives! (long and healthy, that is..)

  9. I'm so glad I found your blog! I am just beginning my journey and am so thankful for people like you who have documented their thoughts, feelings and emotions not only for yourself, but for others. Can't wait to get reading and see everything your story has to tell!


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