My greatest fear isn’t one I allow my brain to contemplate for too long as it hurts too much…that is a fear I won’t even talk about or write about…but it is every mother’s worst fear.
Second to that fear is one that I worry & think about often…I fear that something will happen to me, leaving Elena left without a parent. It's a reason keeping this blog is so important to me, so she has a window into my thoughts. I also keep a personal journal written to her. I take videos of us together, me talking to her…many many photos. All so that she’ll have them if I’m not around. I want to be sure to leave a clear record of how much I wanted Elena & how deeply I love her. I don’t want there to be any doubt in her.
I worry about this because long before I had Elena, long before I ever considered being a SMC, when I was young, I always had this…I don’t know…feeling. Not really a premonition, just…okay now I’m sounding crazy but hear me out…I always just felt that I wouldn’t grow old. And there was a time in my life that I wished for death to release me from the pain & depression I was drowning in. But life continued…life got better…life brought me here & now I fear & worry that I’ll still not grow old.…only now the stakes are higher.
My aunt was exactly my age now when she was diagnosed with her 1st cancer in 1983. After going through these last 8 weeks, I am so afraid of what can happen & how quickly it could happen. God, I hope I am turning 70 before my 1st real health scare...or older.
It hurts my heart to imagine Elena graduating high school without a parent, getting married, having children, navigating all of life’s ups & downs. I worry & worry & worry…& what am I supposed to do with that…keep healthy, give everything I have to making sure Elena is healthy & happy & loved. What else can I do?