The Weight by The Band was my Aunt’s all time favourite song. It held significant meaning for her. The night
that she broke down, she listened to this song over & over again & by
morning she admitted she needed help & was admitted to the nut house, as
she called it. I have always felt this was extremely brave of her. To admit she
needed help, to reach out.
I have been grieving her loss
deeply. It feels like a healthy grief, not excessive…it’s not a dark ugly
grief. I know that kind of grief; I experienced that when my Dad died. I’m
talking about it…I’m reaching out…I’m processing. It’s a long road for sure. As
my friend wisely pointed out, you don’t lose someone all at once, you lose them
in pieces over time. I know from experience that the hurt lessens. Right now it’s
right there, just under the surface. The hard part is I also know from
experience that I won’t ever miss her less.
The time spent caring for my Aunt,
& the time since her death, has been the single greatest external parenting
challenge I’ve had to face so far…at first balancing my time between my Aunt’s
needs & Elena’s & now balancing my need to be alone with Elena’s need
for me to be present with her. It has also been a challenge navigating how to
explain this all to a 3 year old.
Of course I have spent a lot of
time evaluating & reevaluating my life. Through this all, I have gained a
strength I didn’t have before. I have found confidence through having faced this
hard time & come out the other side…scarred yes, but also tougher,
stronger. I have learned valuable lessons about priorities & limits.
I have learned when to carry the
load, how heavy a load I can bear…& when I need to take a load off…
As cheesy as it sounds, I often feel that if we have been a witness to a loved one's strength in the final moments of their life (whether that be a day, week, month or years), we somehow absorb a bit of that strength after they leave us. And while strength doesn't ease the pain, it does remind us that we will one day feel more complete than we do right now because we have that piece of them with us at all times. I'm glad you are talking about the loss of your aunt. Surely it isn't easy, but it hopefully helps.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you--what a difficult time you've been through. Your strength is an inspiration to many and especially to your daughter.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear of your loss for your aunt.
ReplyDelete