Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Donor Information

I have always been of the mind that I would leave searches about Elena’s donor or donor siblings up to Elena. If, at any time, she decided she wanted to pursue this, I would help & support her. I had taken so many choices away from her & made choices for her that I wanted to leave this one solely to her. When Elena was born, I registered her birth with the sperm bank, pulled all the profile info I could off the bank website, I ordered Lifetime Photos of her donor & filed it all away for her.

I thought that would be it for at least 10 years…but I’ve been thinking a lot about it & yes, okay, obsessing just a little. “What if there’s info out there I need to know now?” “What if there are connections there now that will be “expired” when Elena asks?” Plus many, many other what ifs!

I decided it couldn’t hurt to at least register with the Donor Sibling Registry & with the sperm bank family forum. This way, if urgent info became available, I’d be in the loop & if Elena asks, I’ll be able to say, “Here you go, kiddo.”

Interestingly, her donor himself left a post on the DSR. This gave me some peace of mind & a sense of reassurance that I had picked the right guy. Mind you, that post was from 2009, but I was glad that if Elena wanted to make contact, she would be able to fairly easily…seemingly anyway. I mean, there was something about his profile when I originally picked him that made me feel like this was an altruistic choice, it was about more than money for him. He was 29 when he started donating, after all. There was a sense of maturity in his answers. There was a kindness in the answers to the essay questions that I didn’t feel with any other donor. This was important to me because I felt if Elena decided to make contact, she’d at least be encountering a kind man.

There are only 2 other posts; one on the DSR & one on the bank forum. The post on the DSR is just looking for more vials & makes no mention of offspring or success. The post on the forum mentions a son about the same age as Elena & just inquiring if there were any other children. This makes me just a little worried…only because, what if Elena has a deep desire to know half-siblings? What if that’s what her inquiries stem from? I’m afraid she’ll be disappointed. On the other hand, I guess it’s a bit comforting that she doesn’t have dozens a la Delivery Man.

I also feel…I don’t know…at peace that this is done. That I can, in good conscious, put it out of my mind knowing I have done all I can until such time that Elena starts asking questions. Who knows, maybe she’ll never be curious. I’m also comforted that it’s all in place in case something happens to me…but let’s not go there.


  1. There could also be lots of others out there doing what you're doing - just lurking and waiting to see who else posts first. :)

  2. After years of lurking, I found that one of J's donor sibling's parents posted on the DSR. Had that been the only way to contact, I would be disappointed as well since it wasn't till this year that they posted. I ended up posting a ling while back on a thread that has others looking for donor siblings. Four out of six families found us that way through a simple google search. My fear was that he'd want to know and couldn't. Now it's that he'll not want to know at all now that we're all in contact. Crazy how fears take shape.
    If you want to see the thread, let me know and I'll send it to you. Without it I would know of only two siblings not counting the one on DSR.

  3. I haven't found anything on DSR, and barely anything on the family forum for the bank. However, we have connected thru our banks FB page, and now are 13 families strong. We had a gathering last summer with 6 families, and will have a gathering of 10 families this summer. I was really unsure at first, but they have all been such a wonderful caring group!

  4. It is really nice that your donor reached out. Donating gametes is SUCH a momentous thing, and I honestly don't care for the idea of somebody doing it and never looking back.I don't know if I told you, but I created a yahoo group for my donor, and anybody who googles him will find our group. That way you are saved the fee on the DSR, but then the DSR is also more publicized. Currently little G has about 15 or so siblings, and we have a facebook group, which is a great resource for information, and there is always the option of meeting. I think some babies have met each other: it will be nice if they could become real friends. Some members from our group are also on the DSR, so we do have all bases covered.

  5. I think it's great to have all the info, you can decide if you want to use it later. I know I ended up with a KD in the end, but I did lots of research and had decided on anon before that. I came across heaps of case studies that indicated having the option to know was important for the kids.

    Thinking of your own mortality may sound a bit morbid,but also a good thing I think. I have thought about it lots too since a mum friend with a 2yo and a 4yo was killed outright in a car accident a couple of months ago. T has made me realise how fortunate I am for every day I have with BB , but also I want to be sure that he could have the best life he could without me if it came to it.

  6. Good job getting it all set up. This is one are where I have not really done much work. I want to leave it to Beanie to decide if/when she wants to seek out siblings Both my donors are anon and did not want identity disclosure which I was comfortable with. I did look the sperm donor on DR but did not find anything.

  7. Okay, I did not know that banks had "family forums". I believe we are still registered with DSR but I have not gone on their site for years. After reading your post, I'm thinking I have some homework to do.

  8. I haven't even checked the donor sibling registry, but now you've made me curious! Paloma's donor is open-ID and I kept his photos & essay. I imagine she will contact him someday but I've never really thought much about the siblings...


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