Conception-versary

It was three years ago today that my heart’s deepest wish started to become my dream come true. I can’t believe it’s actually been 3 years! As I mentioned last year, Father’s Day kinda sucks for me in a big way, this year being no different…but it’s also easier to bear when I have Elena to distract me…I do have to come up with a better label than “conception-versary” tho…I really like SurlyMama’s calling it their anniversary…any other suggestions?

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We do seem to be developing a tradition as we went to the Teddy Bear Picnic again…& had even more fun!! Just a really great day!

 

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I mentioned recently that Elena is calling my Mom “Daddy”…She says it, “Da-DEE”…we are trying to get her to say “Gramma” & we never say Daddy…well almost never, it’s hard sometimes when we’re distracted…it really is hilarious. I believe Elena senses the irony & feeds off our reactions…it’s made for some comical situations, like in the parking lot at Wal-Mart one day, it was raining & I was rushing us into the store & Elena calls out, “Daddy!!” As my Mom was lagging behind at the car & I responded, “Yes, yes, she’s coming!!” & got the craziest look from a woman loading her trunk! It really was funny! Anyway, I found this card & gave it to my Mom this morning for “Father’s” Day…

 

 

Hope you all had a great weekend!!

 

GRAB(ook) Club - Measure of Love

In Rachel's blog post in Chapter Sixteen she writes, "We should never sit idly by and say nothing. That isn't how we act with people we love; that's how we act with people we're indifferent about. For people we love, we hold them accountable, we push them to be their best selves."

 

Do you agree? Is it possible to meddle too much, even if it's for the right reason?

 

After you answer my question, please click over to read the rest of the book club questions for Measure of Love.  You can get your own copy of Measure of Love by Melissa Ford at bookstores including Amazon.

Easy for You to Say

I have been waiting for Elena to talk for so long…remember her alien voice? I thought for sure back then she’d be “talking” so soon…now here we are & she’s not talking how I expected she would be at this age…

This is a list of her vocabulary that we’ve been able to interpret:

Momma – Mami – Ma

Da-dee or Dada = Grandma – yes, she calls my Mom “Daddy”!

Gaw-cor = Doctor

Geesh = Cookie plus uses a very similar sound for cheese, cheek…& light, go figure

Boowa = Bubble & very similar sound for balloon

Boo = boots – both the Dora character & the foot wear

Eesh = teeth

Do-or = Dora

Do-or while shaking her head = she wants to watch Toopy & Binoo

Bwu = Blue

Bwu while shaking her head = any other colour other than blue

Buppy = up, which is strange since we never say “uppy”!

Nayna = Raina, my aunt

Na-nee = catch all sound that can mean many different thinks

Bwa – another catch all sound that can mean different things

Meh = can mean “what’s that” but is also a catch all sound with a myriad of meanings

For animals, she’ll often make the animal sound rather than attempt the name…and the rest of her communication is made up of grunts, gestures & jibberish. I’m not sure if she’s stringing words together, likely she is but I only understand a word or two. She will say a word while shaking her head meaning “not that” & she'll get frustrated if you’ve missed the head shake & give her the thing she didn’t want. She is trying to sing which is absolutely precious but loves most when we sing songs with actions like Wheels on the Bus, Zoom Zoom, Itsy Bitsy Spider, etc to which she participates animatedly. I’ve even been spared the dreaded toddler habit (so far) of “NO!” If you recall, she use to say, “Nien!” then, “Niet” but for the most part she’ll just shake her head. What breaks my heart is when she’ll hold my face in her hands, looking at me pleadingly as she repeats the same sound that obviously means something to her but I just don’t understand. Often we get by with me asking her to show me what she means but sometimes what she’s saying isn’t showable & she gets so frustrated…but worse than that, sometimes she gets this look of abject defeat...it guts me!

And that’s the thing! She is SO expressive, even with her lack of language. I can only imagine what it’ll be like when she adds words to all that expression! Her preschool teacher said it perfectly, her emotions are written all over her face!

I know in my heart that Elena will come around to talking but there was that part of me that wondered, “what if?” What if there is some issue? What if I’m hindering her in any way?

We have a wonderful program in my province, Early Words…at Elena’s age, I was able to self refer & have Elena assessed by a Speech Pathologist, all covered under our healthcare.

We were sent a package of assessment forms to fill out prior to our meeting with the Speech Pathologist. The form had a number of lists of words & we needed to mark if Elena understood them or understood & spoke them…seeing it all out on paper like that was interesting…she understood pretty much every word on each list…& the ones she didn’t had more to do with not being exposed to that item than not knowing it, words like babysitter’s name, playpen, coffee…or words we just don’t use, like bad (I’ve avoided using that term feeling it is too negative) & owie/boo boo, we just say hurt, cut, bump, etc…

The first thing the SP mentioned was how surprised she was to see how expressive Elena was. Based on the paperwork, she expected a child that would be a lot more reserved & quiet…& the longer we were there, the more Elena became comfortable & opened up. The SP was impressed with how well Elena had adapted to express her wants, needs & opinions while lacking the language skills to do so.

The SP got right down on the floor to play & interact with Elena & observed that she didn’t try to mimic in any way which generally kids do a great deal. She also found it interesting that instead of pointing at things & labeling them, she brings them to me & has me identify them…basically Elena would make little to no effort to venture out of the small cluster of sounds & words she knows to try new & different ones…but she wants to know, Elena definitely has a thirst for knowledge.

Basically the SP diagnosed that it was entirely fault, I was hindering her! Oh, it’s not as bad as that sounds, lol! You see, I had decided that I would never talk baby talk to Elena…I would always use proper words & language, plus, until very recently, Elena was rarely with children her own age. She was left with nothing to emulate & mimic. My language was too difficult & she just didn’t have the ability to form the sounds needed to speak like me…

The SP explained that I (& my Mom) needed to speak more simply to Elena. She’s not suggesting using baby talk in any way, instead just simplifying how we speak. For example, when Elena would bring me something, like a ball, asking what’s this (Elena knows what a ball is, this is just an example) I would respond with a full sentence, “That’s a ball” & that is too many sounds for Elena to try to mimic so she just doesn’t. Instead I just need to say, “Ball” pause & say it again, “Ball” & pause again then say it a third time…there’s no need to ask her, “Can you say Ball?” or tell her, “Say Ball”…the pause is when she can try & she will in her own time.

Another example is when we play, I would have a running dialogue going…"Okay, let’s go play bubbles! This is so much fun! Look at them all! Pop them! There you go! Now you blow! Wow, great blowing…” Elena of course would understand all of this & participate excitedly…but it left her no room to try to learn the words! The SP suggested that I dial it way back…say, “Bubbles! Pop! Blow!” leaving lots of pauses & chances for Elena to mimic me.

In the week since our appointment, I have become hyper aware of how I speak to Elena & really realize that I talk to her like I would anyone else…& I’m now making a concerted effort to speak more simply. Already I’ve noticed a difference!! She is trying to mimic me more & her sound repertoire seems to be expanding quickly!

Having her in preschool in September will make a world of difference too, I am sure. She has been going to the school Fridays with my Mom for a drop in group. I had last Friday off so got to take her & see her interact with her friend, who talks quite a bit. It was amazing seeing Elena attempting the words this little girl was saying!

I really just can't wait to hear what Elena has got to say! I swear, I will never complain that she is talking too much! If I do, you have my permission to slap me!

Baby Wearing

So I'd always wished I'd explored baby wearing more when Elena was born. I think it would have been good for us.

It looks like she's way ahead of me, lol!

Jealousy Sucks

Out of the 8 moms at Elena’s gymnastics class, 5 of them are pregnant…I thought I was past being jealous of pregnant women but no, it seems it’s been replaced by jealousy of women who get to have 2…or 3…or 5…it’s bad enough that I don’t relate to these women at all, being that they’re all at least 10 years younger than me…& married…now I have to smile politely while they discuss their pregnancies…of the other 2 moms that aren’t pregnant, 1 has started trying again (I suspect, based on her comments, that she might be pregnant but just not saying anything yet) & the other has 4 kids & is not having more children…then there’s me.

While they discuss & moan & giggle, I hug Elena close, so grateful to have her…& wallow in jealousy.

I don’t like feeling this way…it brings up other feelings I don’t like to feel…like guilt…I feel guilty for being jealous of not having more children, guilty that this implies that Elena isn’t enough…because Elena IS enough, her little life fills mine to overflowing with joy & contentedness.

I also feel sad…I don’t want to feel sad because it conflicts with that joy & contentedness. I have never in my whole life been happier than I am these days…so you understand why an undercurrent of sadness would annoy me. I’m sad Elena won’t have siblings…oh sure, she could decide to look for half siblings…but I’m sad that she won’t have any brothers or sisters to grow up with…and I’m sad that I don’t get to be pregnant again, breastfeed again...

This leads to feeling frustrated with myself because I really have come to terms with not having more children & knowing that decision is what is best for Elena & I. Knowing it’s the right decision isn’t the same as accepting it, I guess. I get frustrated because my mind wanders to “if only”…if only I’d become a SMC when I was younger, if only I had more time (biologically speaking), more money…

And those “if onlys” make me angry because, like I said, I have never been happier in my entire life. The only thing that could make me happier would be to be a SAHM…which, by the way, is another thing I’m jealous of: moms who get to stay home with their children. Elena is at such a fun age, despite the tantrums & obstinacy…& I hate having to be at work for most of her waking hours!!

Lastly, it’s the feeling of shame I get for being jealous…I have so much…I have what so many women want & don’t get...I’m ashamed for having it & wanting more.

Jealousy, guilt, sadness, anger, frustration, shame…I don’t want to feel this way…it’s a little grey cloud hanging over my otherwise happy & fulfilling life…I’d really rather just have the joy & contentedness.

I'm Not Going to Tell You

Every time I blog about how well anything is going, Elena will flip it on me…so…

I am not going to tell you how great Elena has been sleeping lately…I’ve phased out her afternoon nap…I started out by reducing it to only 1 hour, then no later than 2pm but after many nights of her being awake until 10 or 11pm, something had to give. Even staying up that late, she’d still be awake by 7-7:30am. As much as she seemed to need the rest of a nap, what was the point if she was only getting 8 hours of sleep at night? Without a nap, Elena is asleep by 7:30-8pm & will sleep until anywhere between 7-8am. Oh sure, she gets a wee bit grumpy come 6:30ish & bedtimes can still be challenging but I’ll take it since it affords me some much needed me time from 8pm until I head to bed about 10pm. The best part though is that she’s back to wanting to cuddle & have me rock her to sleep which I LOVE…selfish, I know.

I’m also not going to tell you how easy meals are now. Elena went through a phase recently where she would resist eating everything & anything…I tried giving her the chance to choose but that only worked half the time. She would fight & barely eat anything even her staples that she use to love. Thankfully she phased out of that & will now eat just about anything. She’s still not big on vegetables but I’d say she comes by that honestly since most of my family are not veggie eaters…she did however insist on trying some of my salad recently & liked it…now fruit…this girl cannot get enough fruit, she’ll eat just about any fruit & has even taken to not just eating Clementine oranges but peeling them herself!!

I am definitely not going to tell you that we seem to have a handle on tantrums lately. Elena definitely has her fair share of tantrums…she’s two after all…but using the Fast Food Rule & Toddler-ese from Happiest Toddler on the Block has made a world of difference & tantrums that use to run 5-10 minutes or longer can now be defused in moments…truly. The only time she has explosive tantrums is if I’m too lazy to employ these techniques…because I’m not going to lie to you, I feel pretty stupid doing it…especially if there are other people around. We’ve even gotten to the point that I don’t have to use Toddler-ese exactly, just verbalizing how she’s feeling seems to defuse the situation pretty quickly. And an added bonus, she prefers to curl up in my lap & let me hold her while she cries it out. A funny thing she does now, when she’s crying but no longer out of control upset, she’ll go to the mirror & look at herself crying, that cry turning into a dramatic, over the top fake cry…it’s hilarious!

What I am going to tell you…since it can’t be jinxed…is that I filed my taxes & thanks to having a dependent on a single income, I got a nice return…so I’ve rewarded us by purchasing another trip down south this winter…I got us a pretty good deal to Dominican Republic in November…I’m so excited! Anyone care to join us? Elena’s got her own seat this time so I’m hoping that will make the flight a bit easier. We’re also flying out of my town’s smaller airport so we won’t have to navigate a huge airport this time. It’s always nice to have something to look forward to!

Before that though, I am looking forward to this summer…if only we’d start getting some warmer weather!!!!

Picking a Preschool

I decided it would be a good idea for Elena to start preschool in September…that was the easy decision. I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to determine which preschool would be right for Elena.

As awesome as my Mom is for committing to care for Elena while I’m at work, it is a lot on her…more than that, Elena needs the opportunity to learn & socialize sooner than entering Junior Kindergarten. I believe her speech would improve if exposed more to other children her own age. I also believe that, no matter how much my Mother & I love Elena, it doesn’t change the fact that we have zero experience or training in early childhood education & don’t know the first thing about making sure Elena is learning what she needs to meet her best potential. I’m not just being a proud parent when I say that Elena is very intelligent & I know she needs more challenge & stimulation than what my Mom & I have to offer her.

I started out looking at Montessori schools…though very expensive, still affordable since I would be looking for just part time, 2 mornings a week. I believed they must be “the best”. I don’t know much about the Montessori philosophy & investigated these preschools purely based on that assumption that the must be “the best” because they were expensive & seemed, I don’t know, elite.

My brother convinced me that there were plenty of fine “regular” preschools & that I shouldn’t sell them short. Upon his suggestion I widened my search & looked at what else there was, including the “church basement” variety as he put it.

I was able to narrow the search down to 2 preschools that I would seriously consider…one in a centre type environment, the other a “church basement”.

The front runner in my mind from the start was the “church basement” one…though it was actually a synagogue. This piqued my interest since right off that would offer Elena an experience into another culture & religion. Theirs is a multicultural enrichment program. Their vision is to provide a safe, secure and loving place for children to learn, grow and develop. Their motto hooked me instantly, “The first pair of arms away from home should be the most loving”. Touring their classrooms, I was glad to see photos & quotes of Martin Luther King & Mahatma Gandhi among other along with various art prints. Meeting the teachers, I could feel the warmth & caring. The whole atmosphere was very family-like. They also have a Friday drop in program my Mom would be able to bring Elena to so that she is familiar & comfortable there come September. They have a fabulous outdoor area & get the kids out in the fresh air every day, weather permitting. I was also pleased with their non judgmental, practically non-reaction when I mentioned Elena was donor conceived. It came naturally to bring it up with them. Beyond that this was not new territory for them. They’ve had kids there from various back grounds & situations including twins with 2 moms. I just felt it in my gut that this was a good place.

I had to visit the other place…I couldn’t just pick the 1^st & only place I visited, right?

The Centre type place was good. I didn’t get a warm & fuzzy feeling there…but I didn’t get a bad feeling either. They’re located in a more upper class area & their price, though still less expensive than Montessori, reflected that. They didn’t have an outdoor play area or an outdoor program whatsoever. The owner was very friendly & obviously very knowledgeable, the other teacher just didn’t give off a good vibe…not a bad vibe…they both just came across a little condescending. The owner mentioned a lot of, “we’re thinking of doing this” & “I want to implement such & such”. She seemed to have a lot of great ideas but it came across as a little too much, it all seemed...forced. They also have a summer program Elena could attend but she would be on her own there right from the get go…I understand the logic of that but my Momma’s heart hurts at that thought.

Even as I’ve typed out these thoughts on both preschools, it was clear in my mind where I want Elena to begin her school experience…I bet you could tell too? What do you think? Any input or advice is very welcome…maybe I’ve missed something?