Feeling Defeated

I don’t even know where it started...maybe with how little success I’m having getting Elena into her crib…maybe it’s that I’m feeling exhausted with having to breastfeed every 2 hours (or less) & being concerned I’m just not producing enough to satisfy Elena...maybe it's what I perceive as criticism from family members…I don’t know…I do know that these are “Fun Problems” & I’ll take them over the myriad of other problems I could be having…I’m left feeling so defeated & tired though…

Oh, breastfeeding…I am so very grateful that I am able to…the closeness & bonding time it allows me to share with Elena is priceless…the way she stares up into my eyes as she nurses is so precious…the convenience of not having to mix formula, wash bottles, heat bottles works well for my lazy ass & saving the expense on formula is such a blessing right now with money being so tight…I worry that I’m just not good enough…what I mean is that my milk isn’t good enough…Elena nurses about every 2 hours but usually it’s more like every hour & a half…rationally, I know she’s fine…she’s growing well, man is this kid growing!! She’s getting heavier & more roly-poly & it seems like she grows longer (taller?) everyday!! She’s already grown out of some of her size 6 months clothes!!! A drawback with her nursing so often is that it limits us for going out…though she takes a bottle well from other people, she will not take one from me…so if I go out alone, which most often I do, we have to either A) make sure there’s a place to nurse her while we’re out or B) not stray too far from home as we can only be gone for an hour & a half tops…that’s very limiting & a little isolating…there’s not as many places to nurse while we’re out as I thought there’d be.

Then there’s the crib issue…I was so naïve to think that I’d just be able to put Elena in it & she’d just take to sleeping in it without any problem…for every nap I lay her into the crib & she wakes within minutes & won’t be soothed to stay…the longest she’s made it (asleep) was 20 minutes…She doesn’t cry or get upset or anything & I’ve left her in there awake for 15-20 minutes hoping she’d fall asleep or at least become comfortable being there. I’ve tried a dozen techniques of placing her down…I’ve tried staying in the room, I’ve tried leaving right away…I’ve tried using a heating pad to warm her place before putting her down…I’ve waited until she’s deep asleep before putting her down…I’ve tried laying a t-shirt of mine down hoping the scent would trick her…I’ve tried running a fan for white noise like we have at night…nothing works! I’m at my wits end & ready to give up but know it’ll just get harder...

Then I’m questioning why I’m even putting so much pressure on us both to use the crib! A big part of me feels like I’m only doing it because everyone (my family) seems to think I should…I mean, Elena is sleeping just fine in my bed!! She naps really well in my bed & sleeps 8-10 hours through the night!! Why mess with that? It’s not like I have a partner that shares my bed & we have to worry about our relationship or intimacy or whatever…I know I always said I wouldn’t co-sleep but can’t I change my mind? The night before last (the 1^st (& only) night I put Elena in her crib at night) as I watched her sleep through the bars of the crib while I lay in my bed, it made me really sad…really, really sad. When I read about the negatives of co-sleeping, all that’s listed is the detriments to a couple or safety issues…well I don’t need to worry about the couple issues & I have been very diligent in making Elena’s sleep space safe…the benefits, however, seem to be plentiful…so am I just using these as an excuse to take the easy route? I don’t think so…

Everything I’ve done for Elena so far, every decision I’ve made, I’ve done research & asked advice but bottom line, I’ve trusted my gut…when I’ve considered stopping breastfeeding, my gut says, “NO!!!” When I think about keeping Elena in my bed, my gut says, “Yes”. I know that’s not a popular choice but I feel it’s the best choice for us.

I even feel better already having put it all out there! What do you all think?

The Soundtrack to My Life

I’ve always felt like the songs on my iPod are the soundtrack to my life…okay, not all the songs. I mean Epic by Faith No More or In One Ear by Cage the Elephant don’t have much meaning other than they’re a good freakin’ songs…but a lot of the songs on my playlist have deep sentimental meaning for me.

Since Elena was born, I’ve been reevaluating my Favourites Playlist. I’ve realized that a lot of songs just aren’t the sentiment my heart is singing now…like Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day, Desperado by The Eagles, Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday, One by Three Dog Night, Possibility by Lykke Li just to name a few…I still love these songs…they’re just more gloomy for my current state of mind. I’d rather listen to Good Mother by Jann Arden, I’m On My Way by The Proclaimers, On The Radio by Regina Spektor, Ordinary Day by Great Big Sea or ‘S Wonderful by Ella Fitzgerald…these are better examples of songs that reflect the joy in my heart.

One year ago today marked the beginning of this fabulous life I now live. One year ago I wrote this post to my one viable Follie…the next day, one year ago today, sperm was sent to meet egg & my life began to change forever. Elena began this very day last year. There was one song that I listened to repeatedly during that time…the lyrics spoke what my heart felt. The song? More Than Life by Whitley…this verse particularly:

“To touch something real,
Will help your wounds heal,
Like the sun on your face,
The dreams of starry nights.

And we are homeward bound,
And I, I want this more than life…”

I listen to it now & it still makes me cry…I’ll never hear that song without feeling all the hope, fear & excitement of last year. This day last year, I dreamed & prayed that today I would be holding my child in my arms, kissing her beautiful face, reveling in her precious smile & that is exactly what I’m doing today.

Three Months

Elena turned 3 months old yesterday & what better way to spend the day than at the Choice Mom’s event in Toronto! It was such a great day! Meeting Mikki Morrissette was such an honour & connecting with other Choice Mom’s was amazing. I even met Lisa Rebecca from “The Clock Finally Started Ticking” & her beautiful daughter Scarlett. I thought Elena had big blue eyes! Scarlet has stunningly large blue eyes! It was such a great day…I also found out about a monthly support group for Choice Moms in Toronto so am looking forward to joining that!

Elena is still growing in leaps & bounds…she changes every day & is really developing her personality. It’s pretty clear she’s going to have a temper, just like me. My Mom thinks this is justice, lol! If I don’t feed her soon enough or pick her up when she wants me to, she screams bloody murder. She’s having to deal with a lot of frustration now…because she’s learning it’s possible to do things, she gets frustrated when she can’t. Like rolling over…she knows she can, she’s done it by accident…but she can’t quite figure out that she’s getting her arm in the way when she tries. Also, since she now like to bring EVERYTHING to her mouth, she gets very frustrated with her mobile toys since she can’t pull them to her. Elena is very interested in the TV now. She loves colourful vibrant shows. My Mom has a large screen HD TV & Elena loves watching it, especially Nascar which make her Grandma proud!

I got my hair all chopped off recently…while I was pregnant, my hair became so thick & luscious…it is now falling out like crazy! It’s driving me crazy & is one of the few things I miss about being pregnant. I had it cut short so that Elena doesn’t keep grabbing handfuls of hair. I don’t really like it but it serves the purpose for now…& it’ll grow back.

Another Choice Kid was born!! Welcome to the world, Haven!

Lastly, here’s a photo of Elena…I finally caught a smile!!!

Moments...

First, I want to clarify last week’s title…when I said it was boring, I meant boring for y’all, not for me…every moment I have with Elena is precious & a dream come true…yes, even the screaming crying & poopy diaper moments. So I really appreciate that you don't think it's boring either.

Elena is still sleeping like a super star going for at least a 7-8 hour stretch each night or like last night where she slept from 12:30 straight thru to 9:30 this morning! Then she fell asleep while feeding & slept until 11:30am!! She’s actually been sleeping a lot these last few days so I think she’s in a growth spurt…even though she’s breast feeding like a champ, I’m worried I’m not producing enough…I haven’t supplemented yet but I’m thinking about it. I just don’t know what to do. During the day she feeds every 2 hours still…she’s not starving by any means; you should see how big this kid is, lol!! I’m just worried that Elena needs more.

Elena is still trying so hard to giggle but hasn’t quiet got it yet but she’s so close! She smiles like crazy & is such a flirt!! And her babbling! OMG her babbling is hilarious! She’s so serious sometimes like whatever she’s saying is of the utmost importance…she also will “sing along” with me! The kicker though is that as soon as I flip the camera on to record her, she clams right up & just stares deadpan into the camera! This makes me laugh but also frustrates me to no end!

She’s rolled over from tummy to back 4 times now…ya, you read that right….she’s not a genius or anything though…all 4 times she did it by accident & surprised herself by doing it…the look on her face was priceless! When she actually tries to do it, she gets her arm in the way & then gets so frustrated that she can’t roll over. When she’s on her back she doesn’t even try to roll over…but she loves when I pull her up into a sitting position.

What’s weird is that now that Elena is sleeping so well, I find I have so little time to read blogs & am woefully behind & apologize for that and for not commenting as often as I want to. During the day, Elena is awake a lot of the time so I am keeping her entertained & she’s entertaining me. She only takes quick naps so when she does I run around like crazy getting something to eat, throwing in a load of laundry, washing a few dishes, putting clothes away…I’ve got into the habit of using my iTouch & the Google Reader app to read posts while I’m breast feeding but that makes commenting difficult. Basically, the reason I’m explaining all this is because I want to thank everyone who reads, whether you comment or not, I really appreciate it…I also want to thank all of you bloggers for writing & sharing.

I have been so overwhelmed lately with how complete my life feels now…I had felt for years that I was floating through life without any real purpose or direction…I had put everything I had into my career hoping to feel fulfilled but never did…I invested huge amounts of effort & energy into a couple of long term relationships only to realize I was more invested than he was…I explored religious & spiritual avenues for purpose…none of these things filled that place inside me that felt so empty. Now, finally, I feel complete. I feel that my life has purpose & direction. I am overwhelmed by how grateful I am for this life that has been entrusted to me. Love is too small a word…watching Elena discover the world & having the opportunity to lead her along fills me with a degree of joy I never felt possible.

Boring Post - 11 Weeks

I couldn't think of a better title & since this'll just be a boring baby post I thought I'd warn you up front :)

Elena is 11 weeks old today...wow! 11 weeks! I think I say that every week but I can never believe how quickly time seems to be passing. Also how much Elena changes from week to week. I keep having to remind myself that she's only 2 1/2 months old as she seems to be growing up so quickly.

2 or 3 weeks ago, I put Elena in her Excersaucer for the 1st time & she couldn't even touch the bottom & didn't even take notice of the toys on the tray (since she started holding her head up early on, she's very strong with it but I put her in the seat backwards so the back of the seat can support her, a tip a fellow mother gave me)...now she already touches the bottom & is just figuring out how to bounce & she is mesmerized by the toys & has figured out how to make them rattle.

We have one of those playmats with the stuff hanging overhead...Elena does not like this...she won't spend much time on her back or her belly when she's awake to begin with but she does not like to be underneath the hanging toys at all. I'm worried she'll never learn how to turn over if she won't spend any time on her back or belly.

She's already pulling herself forward when she's sitting in her chair or swing...I use to just sit her in them & not bother with the restraints (I know, bad Mama) but I can't do that anymore now that she tries to sit forward...I joke that she's working on her 6 pack they way she uses her abs lately, lol! When you hold her on your lap, she sits right up, you really have to be careful!

Sleep has still been really good & pretty consistant...the last 2 nights she's gone a 8 hour stretch of sleep from 1am-9am!! What a treat for me!! She's sleeping in bed beside me now so I really get a great sleep since I know she's safe & she's comforted by me being so close.

My work had a Shower for me recently...they like to hold them after a baby is born so everyone can meet the baby...we were totally spoiled! The benefit of working in the Finance Department, they know how to stretch a budget!! They bought us our crib & the mattress!!!...plus a carrier, this neat night light shaped like a turtle that projects stars onto the ceiling & a bunch of clothes! I'm most grateful for the crib as that was a big expense I now don't have to worry about...I am procrastinating putting it together though as I'm not ready to try to transition her in it yet...selfish I know but I want to keep her close just a little longer.

What else is going on? Elena is trying so hard to laugh! She does this huge, wide mouthed smile then this high-pitched squeal...it's so cute. She works really hard at her babble too...watching her form her lips around the sounds is adorable.

I feel like there's a million other things I wanted to post about but for the life of me can't think of them now...but will as soon as I post this, I'm sure, lol!

Have a good long weekend everyone!! (is that just in Canada this weekend?:)

A Pleasant Surprise

For the last few days, like most of you I'm sure, I have been anxiously awaiting news from Shannon over at Chasing Rainbows...so you can imagine how pleasantly surprised Elena & I were when we arrived home yesterday from our errands to find a package on our doorstep. Lo & behold it was a gift from Shannon & Chiquitito:

We were so touched & grateful! And even more pleasantly surprised to learn that Chiquitito had been born!!! Congratulations Shannon & welcome to the world Finnegan!

Elena had a wonderful day for our Mother's Day walk-a-thon...We got to see the Midwives that delivered her & had beautiful weather:

This photo isn't an indication of how Elena felt about the day...I just think it's a funny picture & had to share, lol!

Elena is 10 weeks old today...we're really doing well now. Elena must have heard me complaining about her night owl ways as for the last 5 nights, she's slept from 10pm-3am, wakes, feeds then sleeps until 8am!! Knock wood that she keeps this up!!

She's already started drooling like crazy! I thought this strange to happen so soon but have learned that it's normal...I just hope this doesn't mean she'll start teething early!!

She's found her hands & is mesmerized by them...She'll also wave them at me with this look on her face like, "Look Ma! Look what I have!!" She seems so proud of herself...it's too cute!

And now I'll leave you with a proper photo of Elena...

What's the Haps...

It amazes me how time seems to be flying by yet ticking by slowly all at the same time...how can that be? Elena has changed so much! Can you believe that she's already 8 weeks old? She'll be 2 months on Wednesday!

Life is easier...not easy but easier...fun...& fulfilling. Elena is a bit of a night owl...she's sleeping for at least one 4-5 hour stetch a day which is great but she also seems to like to be up from 1am to 4 or 5 am...not fun! She sleeps with me all the time now...another thing I said I'd never do! It's a matter of survival really...Elena will sleep longer & more soundly if's she's on my chest or cuddled into my side...so that's how we sleep. It got to the point where did I want to stand on my convictions or did I want to sleep...I wanted to sleep...so what if she turns out to be twelve years old & still sleeping with me, lol! Now that Elena is 8 weeks old I was going to start moving her towards sleeping on her own but today she had her immunization shots & is feeling pretty yucky so I think I'll wait a few days.

Elena has graduated from the Midwives care to our family Dr...she is now 12.4 lbs & 23.2 inches long...she's in the 70th percentile for weight & 90th percentile for height...I don't really get this "percentile" thing...what I mean is why everyone is so concerned with what percentile their kid is in but I am glad to know that she is developing & growing well.

She was such a trooper during the whole visit...she didn't cry or fuss while being examined, she didn't pee on me while out of her diaper & even though she screamed bloody murder while being stuck with the needles, she quieted quickly. Her poor little thighs are red & swollen & she's definitely uncomfortable but the Infant Tylenol seems to be doing the trick.

Elena really is so much fun nowadays...she's smiling like crazy & she reacts to my voice & follows me with her eyes...if she's crying while being held by someone else, she instantly calms when I take her which feels awesome...she's a happy baby most of the time...though when she's in a mood, she can SCREAM. I think she may have a bit of a temper! She's starting to coo & babble which has me in stitches! I think she'll be a talker like me!

You can tell by her weight that she's an excellent eater...she's exclusively on breastmilk...which is good & makes things easy for me but she feeds pretty much every 2 hours which is a bit exhausting but I'd rather feed on demand right now then have her cry if I try to stretch it out. I'm such a dummy too...last week she was really fussy & crying more than usual & I couldn't figure out why...then I realized that, duh, she was hungry! She use to empty just the one breast during a feed but now she often takes both.

She seems to be managing her gas issues pretty well & I'm not needing to give her as much Gripe Water now. I'm still very careful with what I eat so as not to aggravate her but that helps with my weight loss...I'm telling you, the breast feeding diet is amazing! I've lost another 5 pounds & weigh 10 pounds less than I did when I started TTC! I can't wait until the weather finally gets nice enough for us to go out walking then the weight will just drip off!

Elena & I went to a Mommy & Me group a few weeks back...I wasn't impressed. I'm not much of a joiner to begin with & am very shy when I don't know anyone...well this group was obviously an established group of women who have been meeting together for a while & they made no effort to include me. The facilitator didn't even introduce me to the group & not one woman asked what my or Elena's name was...out of the 8 women there, 2 approached me...one asked how old Elena was & the other asked if I was breastfeeding & when I responded yes, she said, "Good" & turned away. Not a fun experience to say the least. I then inquired about the seminars they run like Baby Massage, Baby Yoga, etc & was told that everything was booked until June & then just waiting lists after that! I did some digging & found out about another group run in another part of my city so am going to try that one this week & hope it's a better group of women.

Elena, my Mom & I are participating in a walk on Mother's Day that my Midvives Group is sponsoring in support of Save the Mothers called Footsteps for Change. I'm very excited to participate in such a worthy cause...I just hope the weather is nice.

That's it for us...we're pretty boring these days but loving every minute!