It was 1 year ago today…I'd learned of my impending loss the day before but it was 1 year ago today that the pain & physical evidence of it started. I had never before experienced such all consuming physical & emotional pain at the same time. It was all so overwhelming…dealing with feelings of failure & self-blame, feeling so empty & lost…all while having to endure the anguish of my body expelling the life I had already begun to love. I secluded myself…turned inside myself & suffered alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to have to listen to their pity & platitudes…I didn’t feel like I deserved their love & compassion. I had started to question whether I should pursue this dream of motherhood. I hadn’t been prepared for this loss & grief. I endured those days of physical pain & emotional turmoil then stuffed it deep down inside & moved on…but the grief took longer to deal with…I’m still dealing…1 year later & I still grieve the loss of my 1st pregnancy…would it hurt more if I’d had subsequent losses? I don’t know…I’m sure it would…but does it hurt any less now?
It's amazing how you can feel such joy for one child, and such sadness over the loss of another, all at the same time.
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I've been told you never really get over the loss of a child. The pain is always there, it just changes over time, becoming more bearable.
ReplyDeleteWhile you celebrate the life you've created (Elena), I believe your grief for the loss of your first child honors them. Allow yourself to feel it--let it come up and out. I hope by getting it out, it will become more bearable for you.
Thinking of you, T.
I'm sorry that you have to carry this grief Tiara, the memory of great pain is never forgotten, but I hope that there will come a time in the future when this anniversary can be marked without that pain overwhelming you. Take care hon xx
ReplyDeleteHave been catching up on your posts - am pleased Elena and her mum are doing so well! xx
~hugs~
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