This is a post
that has been swirling around in my head for quite some time…growing up I
always believed that I would have no less than 6 kids…in my twenties I realized
that 3 or 4 kids might be more practical…upon turning 30 I was losing hope but
still thought 2 were in my future…as 35 approached I was starting to think
there actually might be none & that was extremely hard to accept…but then
hope reemerged when I decided to become a SMC.
It never occurred
to me that I could have 2 children as a SMC…I’m not really sure why…it almost
seemed, I don’t know, against the “rules” or something? That is why, even
though I put on the appropriate, “I sure hope I don’t have multiples” front, I secretly
hoped for twins, triplets even…I’m a little ashamed (& even afraid) to
admit it that my decision to use Clomid instead of trying a few natural cycles
was based on the increase chance of multiples.
After
miscarrying, my perspective changed. I wanted a child & I wouldn’t tempt
fate by wishing for more. The cycle I got pregnant with Elena, I had 1 follicle
so I knew there was no chance for multiples. I wasn’t disappointed in any way…I
just knew that it meant I’d have one child. Throughout my pregnancy it was
always in the back of my mind that it would be the only time I would experience
it. When I think back on labour & delivery, I sometimes catch myself
thinking, “next time”…before I remember, there won’t be a next time…
When my periods
started again in January, I couldn’t help but wonder…would it be possible to
get pregnant again? The realization that I won’t ever know hit me like a ton of
bricks. It’s put me in a bit of a funk lately…even though I know it’s what’s
best for us. I can provide a very comfortable life for just the 2 of us…I am
able to contribute to retirement savings, I’ve started an education fund for
Elena…I’ve even began saving for future travel I dream of doing with Elena. I
couldn’t do any of that if there were 3 of us…not to mention 100% of my love,
attention, wisdom, etc.
Recently, curiosity
got the best of my & I looked up Elena’s donor…just to see…he’s no longer
available. Even if I wanted to, I could not create a full sibling for
Elena…Elena will never have a full sibling. This made me start wondering if she
would become interested in knowing half siblings…should I start looking now?
Curiosity got the best of me again & I searched on the Donor Sibling
Registry…only 2 entries, one from a couple looking for more vials of our
donor…& an entry from the donor himself. I’m not sure how I feel about all
of that…
Anyway, I am
going to be a single mom of an only child. Most of the time I am just so
grateful to be a mother at all; occasionally I feel regret seep in…regret that
Elena will be an only child, regret I won’t get a second chance to experience
pregnancy & labour…to deny it would be unfair to myself…but when I really
start thinking about it, I believe in my heart that it’s the right choice for
us. It wasn’t an easy choice to make…it’s been even harder to accept…but I
think I am coming to terms with it. I just hope Elena understands…
ALthough I know I might be in the same boat I have not closed the door all the way yet on another sibbling. She has 23 donor siblings and likely much more ( not sure how I feel about that), he was a popular guy. I suppose if he is still available I may try (before I turn 42). If he is not, then she will be my one and only.
ReplyDeleteKnowing Elena's donor was no longer available helped me decide for sure...
DeleteYou know I've blogged extensively on this topic. Even though my mind is pretty well made up on just having the one, I'm sure I'll always wonder "what if". It's a tough issue. But I know for me unless my circumstances drastically change (finding a partner or making a lot more money) it just isn't practical...then there's the thought of enduring another labor ((shudder))
ReplyDeleteI agree, if I had a partner or more money my mind would change...
DeleteI always assumed I would go for two. I didn't like the idea of having an only child. But now that I have one, I can't imagine having another. I don't know if she has any donor siblings. There aren't any on the registry and I got the impression our donor wasn't very popular. I still don't like the thought of her being on only child, but I feel like I got so lucky with her I don't think I could be as lucky twice.
ReplyDeleteI agree with not wanting to push my luck
DeleteI wanted several children for the longest time too. I still do. Not practical = understatement of the century for me. It won't happen. Being okay with that is hard but far easier than regrets. I'm not there yet, the being okay part.
ReplyDeleteElena will be just fine. You've got a great life set up. She'll understand the what and the why as she gets older.
Thank you for saying Elena would understand, I sure hope she does
DeleteYes, that is a hard decision to make, but I think good for you for looking deep inside your heart and following what is true for you.
ReplyDeleteI do know in my heart it's what is best for us but I'm still working on being ok with it
DeleteI've been thinking of you since I read your post yesterday, but I didn't have the chance to reply. I had gone back and forth many times before deciding to T42. It certainly is a very personal and difficult choice to make. I was going to ask you if you had considered T42 with a different donor, but you answered that in a reply to someone else. Believe me, I think all the time how lucky I am with Scarlett and wonder if I should tempt fate by T42. In any case, you have a lovely little girl. Here's to you two making a lifetime of memories together :)
ReplyDeleteI have thought about another donor but I can't quite articulate why I don't want to do that.
DeleteWhile I can't yet relate to your post-baby experiences regarding emotions and finances I can relate to the sad process of whittling down the number of children you think you'll have because growing up I used to want at least five kids too.
ReplyDeleteBut like Little One said having a second baby or not having a second is a very personal decision and I am glad you are coming to a place where you are happy with the way things are. At the same time I can't help but be a little sad reading this post. Giving up a dream like that is just so damn hard.
Thank you for understanding how sad I've been feeling about not T42. It's not that I am sad with my life or that Elena isn't good enough, I'm just afraid she will resent me for not providing a sibling for her.
DeleteI'm so behind in my reading that I didn't see this before I posted on the same topic today. I just found out my son's donor is in severe limited supply and then struggled with the importance of him having a full blooded sibling. It's a tough call. Especially when you tie in the financial issues. It's definitely a personal choice but I admit I've chosen to reduce my contribution to my retirement fund in hopes to have a second child. To me it was a worthwhile sacrifice for not just me but for Gavin as well. I have three siblings and I can't imagine not giving my son the ability to have the same bond that I have with my siblings. I think its even more important when I think about him not having a dad around. Even if Gavin's donor wasn't available, I would still try for a second child based on the benefits of having a sibling.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't feel guilty about your decisions. It's what's best for you and Elena. I shouldn't say this because I hated when people said this to me so please forgive me if this iritates you but have you considered being a foster parent? I'm not sure how it works in Canada but in the US the goverment covers the cost to support your foster child. This would allow you to give Elena the sibling experience without causing you to be stress out over financial issues. Plus it's a wonderful gift to give a needy child a good home with a great mom, even if it's just for a short time.
I agree with you about the benefits of having siblings. I value my relationship with my brother so very much & hate that Elena won't have that. As I mentioned above, I fear she will resent me for making this choice.
DeleteInteresting post. I always wanted 2 children even though I only started trying at 39. I even hoped for twins actually. Fast ffd 4 years later and now I will be lucky if I even have one :-(
ReplyDeleteI would love for my future child to have a genetic sibling (I am using DE)...but I dont think that will happen.
I do have to say, Tiara, that you are a very responsible parent and are looking out for yours and her future. If this is what you feel comfortable with, Elena will be fine with it too.
Thank you for recognizing how important it is to me to provide financially for Elena & I. In no way do I believe money makes things right or better but it sure does make a difference if you have it than if you don't. With just the 2 of us we will be secure & comfortable, if there was 3 of us we would be struggling to make ends meet & I would be stressed about that a great deal of the time.
DeleteWhen contemplating T42, we're going to have worries no matter which we chose. It's hard being a single mom - I've wondered if Finn will resent me for having a second if I'm lucky enough to have another.
ReplyDeleteHopefully they'll grow up knowing that we made the best decisions that we could, and love us for trying our best to do the right thing for them.
I totally get it!! I am planinig on #2 but not for 2-3 years still. Mainly due to the cost of day care. I am lucky though that the IVF route I took left me with many viable frozen embryos. So I don't have to worry about my eggs or getting more donor.
ReplyDeleteAs for the donor siblings... as you know I have recently met one of Elsie's and I am plannign to meet more. She is 1 of 13 on DSR. But another mother asked the bank and there are 20+ families registered. It maybe you chose the same donor as families that are hesittant to be "public" about it. But you may find as the children themselves get older, they may come forward on their own.
I agree with Shannon... Elena will know how much you love her and that you are a great mom!!