All By Myself...

I am spending my 1st night away from Elena tonight...she is at home with my Mom & I am away for a work conference...it's 1 night...it already feels like a life time...I feel guilty...guilty because I'm looking forward to a bed all to myself...guilty because I don't think I feel guilty enough...I'm afraid she'll be sad & feel abandoned but I'm more afraid she'll hardly notice I'm gone. I'm worried she'll act out in retaliation. I hate that I still have to complete a full days work tomorrow before I get to see her again...more than anything, I am tired & am going to go to sleep...

Our Conception-versary/Father's Day Weekend

Enjoying the view at the Teddy Bear's Picnic

Thank you all for your supportive comments on my last post. Losing my Dad changed me profoundly. It was losing him that made me wake up & stop taking life for granted…I stopped just existing & began creating a life worth living. I am deeply saddened it took losing him to make the positive changes my life needed & it hurts that he’s not here to see how far I’ve come. I know he would be so very proud of me…more than that, I know he would have absolutely adored Elena. She would have completely charmed him & he would have been wrapped so tightly around her little finger!

Speaking of Little Fingers…what a saga her hurt finger became! You remember what it looked like when she went to the Dr:

Well it got worse before it got better…This was last Wednesday:

She was finally feeling better by Friday & started eating regular foods again…but she split her sore finger open on a toy…which revealed how completely inept I am at bandaging:

Slowly but surely it is getting better:

None of this stopped us from having an absolutely awesome weekend!

Saturday we went to a Teddy Bear’s Picnic…most of the activities were above her age but she loved the freedom of being allowed to run around & explore…She had her very 1^st Pony Ride…oh was she proud of herself!! She also experienced her 1^st Petting Zoo…being up close & personal with the sheep & goats was a bit overwhelming at 1^st but after her initial fear, she mustered her courage & ran at them screaming, herding them all into a corner then danced around the now empty corral with an attitude of, “I win!! How you like me now, bitches!” It was hilarious! She also had her 1^st experience in a Bouncing Castle & oh the pure joy on her face! Priceless!

Sunday we headed States Side for a shopping trip…she was a trooper & had another 1^st of riding on those coin operated mall rides…followed closely by a total meltdown once we ran out of coins, sigh.

After a long meandering drive (to allow for Elena to nap) we checked into our hotel & after a quick snack, headed straight to the pool for the rest of the afternoon. She was in her glory & I enjoyed seeing how far she’s come with her water talents as I hadn’t been to a pool with her since I went back to work.

Monday we packed up & headed to IHOP for an awesome breakfast (we don’t have IHOP in Canada!!)…before heading home we went to Target & scored a TON of great summer clothes for Elena plus I stocked up on all my favourite things we can’t buy here (like Vanilla Coke & Oreo Pop Tarts!!)

We got home in time for lunch & then headed back to the Dr for follow up on her finger…he was glad to see improvement. Elena was obviously worn out since she went to bed without any complaint & was sound asleep before 8pm!!

The Hardest Part

I haven’t really talked about my Dad here on my blog…he’s a hard subject for me to discuss…but I feel it’s time to share…I grew up as Daddy’s Little Girl…I spent a lot of time with my Dad…I was his little helper…he was an overprotective Dad which caused a lot of conflict while I was a teenager…he & my Mom separated when I was 18 & that led to our relationship being strained further…as I turned thirty we began to heal our fractured relationship re-establish the close relationship we once had…and then…

The Day Everything Changed

Monday, February 6^th, 2006…that was the day the bottom fell out of my entire world…I was at work…I was a receptionist at a Real Estate office then…it was late afternoon…my brother called…not completely unusual but not common either...he asked if I could take his call in one of the offices…now that was unusual & clued me in that something was up…he stumbled on his words…my always articulate & well spoken brother stumbling over his words…another clue something serious was up…and then he said it, “Dad died”.

My memory is fuzzy after that…I know I screamed...or cried out because the next thing I knew my boss was standing beside me asking what was wrong. I told her between sobs…body wracking, gut wrenching sobs & she just held me…I remember apologizing for getting mascara all over her shirt…I remember asking if it was okay if I went home…

The days following are even more of a blur…it was a horrible nightmare…suddenly, under tragic circumstances, my Dad was dead & that just didn’t make sense to me...I had just talked to him the day before! We had made plans for the following weekend!! Instead of those plans, he was gone & I was at his funeral...how was that possible??!?…I survived the torturous visitation…I endured the funeral…& then was expected to just get back to life.

The first couple of minutes every morning were bliss because in those first couple of minutes I would forget what had happened & believe my Dad was still alive…the next few minutes after that were agony as I relived the loss every morning…every. single. morning…then the nightmares started, night after night…

Could it be Worse

May 31^st, 2006…this would have been my Dad’s 60^th Birthday…instead of the huge party we would have thrown I was drowning in grief…& just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, all the Father’s Day paraphernalia saturated every place I went…mocking me…taunting me…reminding me that I didn’t have a Dad anymore…every other 1^st followed…my 1^st birthday without him…Thanksgiving…Christmas…exciting life events that made me grab my phone to call him before realizing I couldn't... 

The Healing Begins

During this time I saw my Dr, was prescribed an antidepressant, joined a support group…& even though I never thought it’d be possible, the fog started to lift, the pain started to ebb…then Father’s Day was approaching again & the mocking & taunting resumed…Every year it was a double punch, my Dad’s Birthday closely followed by Father’s Day…

Fast forward to 2010, 4 years had gone by & that Father’s Day would be very different…I was 4 days into my 2WW…& we all know how that turned out…this time of year that I use to dread is now very closely tied with an anniversary I deeply cherish, Elena’s conception.

The Future

Knowing how hard it is to get thru Father’s Day without a Dad, I worry how Elena will feel…I don’t want her to feel left out or like she’s missing out…so my intention is to take Father’s Day & turn it into something different yet just as special for Elena…we will celebrate her conception & I will remind her how deeply grateful & proud I am that she’s my daughter…we will also, in our own way, express our appreciation to our donor. I know many people think many things about sperm donors but I am very appreciative that our donor decided to donate…& I want Elena to know this & understand it…and what better time than at Father’s Day & her Conception-versary.

**The title of this post comes from the Coldplay song…last year I wrote about how I always have a Soundtrack to my Life...the Coldplay album, X&Y was my Soundtrack during 2006, especially that song & Fix You.

The Verdict Is...

...it's not Hand, Foot & Mouth...Dr prescribed antibiotics for her finger, which is definitely a tissue infection...he said the sores in her mouth are from the teething & the sores on the outside are just coincidence, maybe from all the drool (they look like pimples)...but the antibiotics will take care of everything...he advised against the benedryl/MOM mixture & just advised to let her eat as she tolerates, whatever she tolerates & encourage fluids...thankfully it's nothing too serious...my baby girl gets her 1st ever prescription & medication...at 15 months that's not too shabby.

Now I must get myself off to bed & try to catch up on some sleep...thank you all again...I may just be weepy from exhaustion but this blog community is awesome & I really appreciate the show of concern & words of advice & encouragement.

Quick Update...

First of all, thanks so much for all your comments, advice & encouragement...if there's one thing you can count on in this world, it's the blog world to have your back...sincerely, thank you.

It hadn't even occured to me that Elena may have HFM Disease but it seems this may be the case...I had wondered if maybe her fever was related to her infected finger...it's been low grade, around 99.0 - 100.9...but at her 1am dose (Advil) last night, no fever...

My Mom called me this morning (since I leave for work before Elena wakes) & the fever is still gone but she has sores around her mouth now...she is calling our Dr's office as soon as it opens at 9am...

As a side note, the photo I posted of Elena's finger may have been a bit deceiving, looking a bit worse than it does...I had taken it just after we had soaked it in antiseptic...what a trooper Elena was for that! Not a peep or a tear & kept her finger in for a good long time to let it do it's work.

Thanks again, everyone, for your help & advice...will keep y'all posted...

Need Advice, Please!!

Elena has had one heck of a weekend...the poor kid is teething, all four of her incisors are coming in at the same time...her gums are red & swollen...she's been running a fever all weekend...she also has a cut on her left hand ring finger that has become infected & is also red & swollen...the worst of it tho is she has canker sores on both sides of her tongue, presumably from chewing her tongue because of the teething...this is where I need advice...Elena is resisting drinking anything since is hurts her tongue to suck...aside from applesauce & yogurt, she won't eat anything else & those have to be COLD, so obviously they're soothing to her tongue...short of feeding her ice cream until they heal, what else can I do for her? Does anyone know of any canker remedies that would be appropriate for a 15 month old...

And since I didn't share any purple-crayon-poo photos, I thought I'd share one of her disgustingly infected finger:



A Sign of Technological Times

Elena is obsessed with phones, she loves to play with them...in an effort to keep her from playing with the real ones, aside from the plastic toy ones, we have dozens of old phones scattered all over the house...cordless ones, classic ones, even old cell phones...what kills me is, with the cordless or cells, as often as she'll put them to her hear & mimic talking to people, she'll hold them in front of her & using both thumbs, will punch away at the buttons...obviously texting away to her imaginary friends, lol!!!

Head to Toe

It has been a while since I’ve done a proper update on Elena…she is changing so rapidly, it’s hard to keep up! So I thought, since she is 15 months old today (how did that happen?!!?) I would do a complete head to toe update…with pictures no less!

She loves her books!

From the Top

Though Elena’s hair is steadily growing thicker & longer, unfortunately it seems she has inherited my thin hair…it seems to be curling in the back but it’s too soon to tell if she’ll have curls since the top is bone straight.

Elena has this endearing habit of rubbing her ears to sooth herself…she sucks her fingers & rubs her ears…she does this when she’s tired or if she’s feeling anxious…the endearing part is that if I’m holding her, whether to rock her to sleep or to comfort her, she’ll reach up & rub my ear instead of her own…even in her sleep she’ll reach over & rub my ear…

Elena isn’t talking much yet…she says “all done” appropriately & and she’s saying “Mama” to address me now but other than that, there are no discernible words really…she’ll say “ga” in reference to the garbage…& she does say “yuck” but only when prompted. She certainly makes herself clear tho using grunts & groans, whines & babbles…this can be tedious, especially when she’ll point at a table full of stuff & grunt, “uh” indicating that she wants something on that table. It gets frustrating trying to decipher what it is she wants…I don’t want to rush her growing up but I kinda can’t wait until she can talk…I know what you’re going to say, “you’ll regret saying this once she’s talking & doesn’t stop” but to be honest, I’m really interested in what she’s got to say.

Watching TV...never traditional, my kid!

Down the Hatch

Elena is a good little eater…she has her likes & dislikes to be sure but she’s pretty great about trying stuff & has quite the appetite for the stuff she loves. She’s feeding herself more & more & by letting her, she eats a lot more…more often than not if she’s fussing & refusing to eat, it’s because she wants to do it herself. She doesn’t quite have the dexterity for spoons or forks but she’s getting better.

It has been more than a month since I weaned Elena. She was obviously ready since she never looked back. She has a yogurt or some milk before bed & hasn't shown any signs that she misses it at all. I was so afraid she would feel rejected or wouldn't understand but nope, she was obviously ready. I, on the other hand, have not adjusted well...but we'll leave that for another post...

What girl doesn't love her Cabbage Patch?

Sleepy Time

We seem to go thru phases with Elena’s sleep…up until about a week ago, Elena would go to sleep easily by 8:30 & sleep straight thru until 7am…she would nap every afternoon for about 1 ½ to 2 hours…it was awesome…oh how I miss those days…now, for the last week, she has been resisting going to sleep, still being awake at 10:30 or 11pm…the last 2 nights, I fell asleep before she did, waking at 12:30am with a start & not knowing when she’d fallen asleep. The upside is that every other time we have gone thru a sleepless phase, she’s gotten teeth so I remind myself that it’s just temporary…I noticed yesterday that it looks like her incisors are coming in…hopefully we’ll be back on track soon.

Back when she use to sleep...sigh

What Else…

So what else is there to report…I’m sure once I hit publish, I’ll think of a million things I should have mentioned…I love how Elena’s personality is really developing…she is such a character & so funny…she’ll do ridiculous things that she knows are funny & then laughs & laughs!! And well, you saw her determination & fearlessness. That fall didn’t deter her from continuing to take the stairs like the “big people”.

Speaking of that video...many of you commented on how big Elena looked and yes she is quite tall! She is 3 inches shy of 3 feet tall already!! & it's mostly all leg & just keeps growing up, she's been 27 lbs for the last however many months & already in 2T clothes which is a bit complicated since tho they are long enough, clothes are big in the waist...thankfully it's summer time & she looks adorable in sundresses!

Well, that’s all I can think of for now…