Saturday, June 16, 2012

The Hardest Part

I haven’t really talked about my Dad here on my blog…he’s a hard subject for me to discuss…but I feel it’s time to share…I grew up as Daddy’s Little Girl…I spent a lot of time with my Dad…I was his little helper…he was an overprotective Dad which caused a lot of conflict while I was a teenager…he & my Mom separated when I was 18 & that led to our relationship being strained further…as I turned thirty we began to heal our fractured relationship re-establish the close relationship we once had…and then…

The Day Everything Changed

Monday, February 6th, 2006…that was the day the bottom fell out of my entire world…I was at work…I was a receptionist at a Real Estate office then…it was late afternoon…my brother called…not completely unusual but not common either...he asked if I could take his call in one of the offices…now that was unusual & clued me in that something was up…he stumbled on his words…my always articulate & well spoken brother stumbling over his words…another clue something serious was up…and then he said it, “Dad died”.
My memory is fuzzy after that…I know I screamed...or cried out because the next thing I knew my boss was standing beside me asking what was wrong. I told her between sobs…body wracking, gut wrenching sobs & she just held me…I remember apologizing for getting mascara all over her shirt…I remember asking if it was okay if I went home…
The days following are even more of a blur…it was a horrible nightmare…suddenly, under tragic circumstances, my Dad was dead & that just didn’t make sense to me...I had just talked to him the day before! We had made plans for the following weekend!! Instead of those plans, he was gone & I was at his was that possible??!?…I survived the torturous visitation…I endured the funeral…& then was expected to just get back to life.
The first couple of minutes every morning were bliss because in those first couple of minutes I would forget what had happened & believe my Dad was still alive…the next few minutes after that were agony as I relived the loss every morning…every. single. morning…then the nightmares started, night after night…
Could it be Worse
May 31st, 2006…this would have been my Dad’s 60th Birthday…instead of the huge party we would have thrown I was drowning in grief…& just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, all the Father’s Day paraphernalia saturated every place I went…mocking me…taunting me…reminding me that I didn’t have a Dad anymore…every other 1st followed…my 1st birthday without him…Thanksgiving…Christmas…exciting life events that made me grab my phone to call him before realizing I couldn't... 
The Healing Begins
During this time I saw my Dr, was prescribed an antidepressant, joined a support group…& even though I never thought it’d be possible, the fog started to lift, the pain started to ebb…then Father’s Day was approaching again & the mocking & taunting resumed…Every year it was a double punch, my Dad’s Birthday closely followed by Father’s Day…
Fast forward to 2010, 4 years had gone by & that Father’s Day would be very different…I was 4 days into my 2WW…& we all know how that turned out…this time of year that I use to dread is now very closely tied with an anniversary I deeply cherish, Elena’s conception.
The Future
Knowing how hard it is to get thru Father’s Day without a Dad, I worry how Elena will feel…I don’t want her to feel left out or like she’s missing out…so my intention is to take Father’s Day & turn it into something different yet just as special for Elena…we will celebrate her conception & I will remind her how deeply grateful & proud I am that she’s my daughter…we will also, in our own way, express our appreciation to our donor. I know many people think many things about sperm donors but I am very appreciative that our donor decided to donate…& I want Elena to know this & understand it…and what better time than at Father’s Day & her Conception-versary.

**The title of this post comes from the Coldplay song…last year I wrote about how I always have a Soundtrack to my Life...the Coldplay album, X&Y was my Soundtrack during 2006, especially that song & Fix You.


  1. Oh wow, how very tragic for you to lose your dad. I cannot relate, but I can certainly feel your loss. This is a very touching blog post. I agree with you that we should celebrate the wonderful gift our donors have given us. Without them there would be no babies. Thinking of you this Father's Day!

  2. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a loss. I lost my mom in 2006 very suddenly also and went through many of the same emotions you did, the biggest one not thinking it was real and catching myself wanting to call her to talk. That first year was the hardest for me as well, but I'm glad to hear it's gotten easier for you and I love that you are taking a positive spin on Father's Day for your sweet girl.

  3. It's wonderful that such a sad time of year has turned into a happy time thanks to Elena's donor - and the miracle that is your little girl. Hugs to you both this father's day.

  4. Thank you for sharing the story of your dad, I'm sure it was difficult for you. I hope that you will tell Elena all about him, that way his memory will continue to live on in the next generation. I have often thought about how I will approach father's day with my son, I haven't quite figured out what will be our tradition, but like you I also plan to honor the donor somehow.

  5. I'm so very sorry about the loss of your father. I'm sure that was - and still is - a huge loss. But it's also nice to hear how you've been able to turn this time of year into a positive one, as well. I'm sure Elena will just love hearing all about her grandfather. And I love the idea of honoring the donor, too. What a nice way to "include" them, since they are so important in helping to create our children!

  6. This weekend must still be hard for you--what a terrible tragedy and while you are healing in a very positive way, the loss of your father will always be just that, a loss. You are a wonderful parent and your little girl is very, very lucky to have you. You will always be able to give her a little bit of her grandfather as you share your memories of him.

  7. I am so sorry about your Dad but I am happy that now such a wonderful, beautiful little girl's conception has turned that time from tragic to amazing. And what a wonderful way to honor your father and Elena's donor.

  8. This is such a touching post. So sorry about your Dad. But I am glad that you are able to make this day into something special for yourself and Elena.

  9. I am so sorry to hear about your dad.
    Love how you decided to dedicate Father's Day to a day about her conception and donor!

  10. I'm sorry to hear about your dad :( Elena is very blessed to have you and your donor!

  11. Tiara...I'm so sorry about your daddy. Your love and devotion to him and his memory just radiate off your post. How beautiful is that!! And what a wonderful way to celebrate Father's Day for your sweet Elena!!


Your comments are greatly appreciated so I've turned off the verification!