Obligatory Christmas Post

Nothing this Christmas has worked out the way I envisioned it back in October when I first started thinking about it…The worst part, & where all my negativity stems from, is we have a major family health crisis come up just a week before Christmas that has sent me into a tailspin…I’m still reeling. Don’t worry, Elena & I are just fine & in perfect health…this all concerns a member of my extended family.

She hadn’t been feeling well for some time but nothing specific. She was deeply exhausted all the time, she was having odd discomfort in her head, not headaches per se, but an achiness that made her vision feel off…recently she started experiencing serious vertigo…all little things that, by themselves, seemed harmless…but hindsight being 20/20 all make so much sense now.

December 17^th, after a long day’s work, she was settling down for the evening when she started to feel very weird…all of a sudden her mouth & tongue started to twitch & spasm uncontrollably…she was frightened & called out to her friend who was staying with her…the friend called 911 & they were thinking maybe she was having a mini stroke. She was rushed to the hospital, a CAT scan done immediately then they sent her straight for a chest x-ray. I’m not sure if it was before or after a Doctor had been in to talk to her, but she had another episode of twitching & spasms & they were identified as seizures, not a stroke.

The night of the 17^th, I had been exhausted…for the life of me, I can’t remember why now…but I had gone to bed with Elena at 7pm…when I woke for work at 4:30am, I got the messages. I rushed right over to the hospital. I didn’t know what to expect but was not prepared for what I heard.

She was awake when I arrived, about 5:30am, she gave me her account of what had happened then she told me what the Doctor had told her…brain tumor, chest x-ray showing a mass on her lungs…more tests needed to identify the primary sight & what is on her lungs…

A biopsy of her liver was done on the 20^th…on the 23^rd, while I was with her, she had another seizure…it was very scary to witness.

The morning of the 24^th, I was getting Elena & I ready as we were planning on visiting her to have our  little Christmas together…she texts me at 7:45am that she’s just been told that they are taking her to the cancer hospital in my town for a 9am appointment. That’s the only information we’re given. I assure her I will meet her there at 9am…my Mom steps up, as usual, & takes care of Elena plus offers to drive me & drop me off so I don’t have to find parking…Elena, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why she is now not allowed to come with me to visit her…how do you explain this type of thing to a two year old? She cries all the way there while I apologize over & over again…what else can I do?

We are brought in to a see a Radiology Oncologist…he looks to be no older than 28, which makes me feel very old. He is very nice but doesn’t sugar coat anything. He shoots straight & though it is hard to hear, we appreciate his candidness.

She is full of cancer…there’s a lot of it…in her lungs, liver & of course the brain tumor. There is no cure, but they will treat her as she tolerates to keep her with us as long as they can while maintaining her quality of life. She is too unwell to consider chemo at this time & since all her symptoms stem from the brain tumor, they’ll treat that…with radiation, which has its own risks…it will cause the tumor to swell before it gets better…this could mean more seizures…and…

I am being purposefully vague to try & protect her identity but she is a family member & I am her next of kin. Her care falls to me. I am sick at the thought of what she has to face…I am scared to be the one to have to face it with her. I am scared to think about any of it…it’s all so overwhelming…

Elena…she is just too young to understand…but she does understand that I am not here when I should be, that when I am here, she doesn’t have my full attention while I return emails & send texts & take phone calls…she’s acting out & it’s killing me that a lot of what precious time we do have together is spent with me giving her timeouts & her having tantrums. I am not being the mother I want to be…the mother she deserves…

I did stay home with her on Christmas Day & we had our family dinner & I gave her my (mostly) undivided attention…it was a really good day…a Christmas we’ll remember…but not for the reasons I had wanted…