Marshmallows...for Breakfast

That’s what Elena had this morning.

Don’t judge.

I said no to her request for cookies, pudding & ice cream.

& I convinced her to have cherry yogurt first.

What happened to my good little eater? It’s not like she would eat just anything but she had a nice variety of foods she was happy to gobble up without complaint…now for almost 2 weeks she barely eats anything at all & is refusing even her most favourite staples!

Is this another byproduct of the terrible twos?

We did have a triad of issues pop up this week…1) her last set of molars are in. Thankfully I think that means all of them…I haven’t been able to get a good look & sticking my fingers in is dangerous stuff these days! 2) As always while Elena is teething, she’s ended up with cankers from chewing on her cheeks. 3^rd) She had pinkeye this week though I don’t see how this would affect her appetite except that she of course ended up with a minor cold along with it.

I’m more of a mind to suspect that her refusal to eat is more likely another way for Elena to express her independence. Or maybe it’s a little of both…either way I refuse to make meal time a battle ground…but I won’t let her just eat junk either. If she’s willing to eat junk & refuses proper food then it’s definitely a defiance issue & not an appetite issue, right?

My strategy for this (what I hope is a) phase? I’m remembering advice our Dr gave when I was introducing solids: It is up to me to offer healthy choices & it is up to me to offer these choices frequently…it is up to her how much she eats & when. She won’t starve.

This worked then & by not forcing the issue or getting stressed out, she became a very good eater & learned this wasn’t a button she can push with me. What I hate is that sometimes the only way to get her to eat the good stuff is a promise of junk…hence the marshmallows. It was the only way I could get her to eat the yogurt...& usually she LOVES yogurt!

Of course we’re still having other issues but I do feel better equipped to deal with them. Thanks to Shannon’s review , I have ordered Happiest Toddler on the Block & upon Mel’s suggestion I also ordered No-Cry Discipline Solution. (Plus a book for Elena’s Birthday, thanks for the suggestion, Gille!)

The one thing that is working really well is Toddler speak (?) where I verbalize to Elena what she’s upset for, “Elena doesn’t want to clean up the toys” which has headed off many a tantrum lately…however there are times when she goes off & I have absolutely no idea WHY she’s so upset or WHAT set her off!! That is when my patience is shortest & frustration is highest.

I know the biggest source of Elena’s frustration stems from her lack of vocabulary…she has her own language (Elenaglish, I call it) but I only understand her a third of the time.

Like tonight at dinner, I was asking what she wanted, another strategy for eating, she’s more likely to eat something if it’s of her choosing…anyway, she’s saying “Ba”…& I have no clue what she wants! But she keeps saying it over & over so I do what I often do, I ask her to SHOW me…well she walks me down the stairs to the garage door. I’m perplexed! Until I realize she’s guided me to the freezer (we keep it in the garage)…light bulb!! I ask, “Pizza?” She squeals with delight & responds, “Uh huh, Ba!!!” REALLY??!! How the hell was I supposed to know that Ba was Pizza??

Ah, toddlers…my books can't get here fast enough!!

Sleep Shenanigans

Seems there have been quite a few posts in the blogosphere lately on the topic of sleep…it’s comforting that moms seem to have sleep issues across the board & it’s not just an Elena & Me problem. We have our ups & downs…good nights & bad…but I feel like I have a better perspective now for dealing & definitely not being so hard on myself about it helps enormously.

A bit of sleep history...Elena was born & my hazy sleep deprived memory is that she didn’t sleep for 4 weeks & neither did I…oh I know we must have but all I remember is feeling like we’d never sleep again.

About 2 weeks old...see, she did sleep, I guess.

In hindsight I believe that Elena had reflux issues. When reading about babies with this, I see the symptoms Elena had & the best sleep during that time was when she was upright in her bouncy chair or while being held.

Also, when we saw the pediatrician at 4 weeks old, the Dr confirmed Elena had had a broken clavicle from birth. It had healed fine but would definitely have made her very uncomfortable those first weeks. I also took Elena to a chiropractor & she had a slight misalignment he was able to adjust & it did seem to make a difference. And we got a swing where she would sleep quite well.

Then there were her gas issues but getting her a soother, giving her gripe water & me drinking copious amounts of Fennel Tea helped in that department…but she still would NOT sleep in her bassinet but slept well if I was holding her…so that is what I did out of sheer survival & her stretches of sleep became longer & longer. I remember at one point she was sleeping for 10-12 hours or more…oh how blissful that was!!

At about 8-10 weeks I started shifting her from sleeping on me to on the bed…it was challenging. I heated her space with a heating pad, had the fan going for white noise, etc…I was never able to get her to sleep in her crib but had success putting her in my bed & so my decision to co-sleep.

I would nurse her to sleep & she would sleep on me while I watched TV until I was ready to go to bed. She would sleep better if I was close by so I got in the habit of often going to bed with her then reading by flashlight in the bedroom. During this time she would also nap on me in our easy boy as she would sleep longer than if I tried to put her down.

I forget when exactly but between 6 to 9 months, once she was mobile, we hit the challenge of her being safe in my bed without her crawling/falling out. I’m pretty sure it was a post by Gille that inspired me to sidecar the crib to my bed. The crib was convertible anyway from crib to toddler bed to double bed so I removed the one side & pushed it up against my bed, her mattress butted up against mine but slightly lower. This has worked out so well for us!

When Elena was 11 months & the end of my Mat Leave was fast approaching, I knew we had to get a handle on her sleeping on her own & not on me…at naps at the very least since I couldn’t expect my Mom to do this while I was at work.

I would still nurse/rock her to sleep but then I would always transfer her either to the bed, couch or even the floor but at least not on me…she transitioned fairly well. I still remember the day in February 2012 that she slept a first proper nap in bed & feeling so proud of her & me.

Asleep in the easy boy...not on me

Asleep on the floor...not on me

Napping in bed for the 1st time!!

Once we started weaning, she wouldn’t fall asleep while we were in front of the TV like we use to, too stimulating I’m sure. I moved my easy boy into our bedroom & started rocking her to sleep & my Mom would also do this for naps. We had a good long stretch of success with this. Oh sure, we had some bad nights but for the most part we did really well. I’d rock her & in 5-10 minutes she’d be out, I’d put her in bed & have the rest of the evening to myself, life was good.

Phew, that was more than a bit of a history, lol…anyway, then 20 months hit & Elena started to invent new & often creative delay tactics…she would fight it, she would thwart me in every technique I tried…I became more & more frustrated.

Since my confessional post, I started to look at things in a new light. I realized I’d set a standard of Elena falling asleep in 5-10 minutes & when it’d take 40 minutes or an hour I was feeling like a failure. It was Shannon who made me realize that if it takes 40 minutes than it takes 40 minutes, nothing wrong with that.

All of a sudden about 3 weeks ago, rocking wouldn’t work anymore, I’m talking 2 hours or more & Elena would still be wide awake. I tried CIO for 3 nights by putting up a gate in the bedroom door...with zero success & it reinforced in myself why CIO isn't a technique for us. Aside from how gut wrenching it was to hear Elena cry for so long, it was more than just her usual cry…she was seriously upset & hysterical. This is not how I wanted Elena to go to sleep. Ever. Not in such a state of distress. This was not how I wanted to end our day & very limited time together. She has her teenage years to cry herself to sleep, lol! For now, I want her to go to sleep in a state of calm.

For a few nights, I just went to bed but I knew I couldn’t start that again & besides, she would still be awake for hours! My SIL had made a comment that my brother would just tell their boys to stay in bed or there would be trouble & they did…I thought, “Yeah right, not my kid.” But after 3 or 4 nights of going to bed at 7:30pm, me drifting off then waking an hour later & Elena still being awake, me drifting off again & waking around 10pm & Elena still being awake…I was ready to try anything. I was missing my quiet evening me-time…time for myself to unwind & get things done.

So one night, we did our usual routine:

·         Bath (not every night though)

·         Watch “Bear in the Big Blue House” & have yogurt

·         Put on jammies

·         Brush teeth

·         Get into bed

·         Read no less than 3 books

·         Cuddle in the rocking chair

When she hit the point she usually starts fighting & resisting sleep, I put her in her bed, kissed her, told her I loved her, told her it was time to sleep & told her she must stay in bed…& I walked out of the room.

I went into the kitchen & made my lunch for the next day & waited…after a few minutes I went back in, she wasn’t asleep yet but she was in bed. I told her it was time to sleep & to stay in bed. I then went into the living room & waited…she was asleep within an hour.

Now she goes to sleep most every night on her own…some nights she falls asleep sooner than others…some nights I never know what I’ll find when I go to bed, like the night I found her like this:

Or this:

that's her feet sticking out of the crib bars

And my new favourite...things were really quiet the other night & I wishfully thought Elena had fallen asleep quickly...when I checked in on her:

Notice the Crayon Art on the wall behind her...it wasn't there when I put her to bed.

Some nights are better than others…a few she’s actually let me rock her to sleep like old times...she’s sleeping well most nights & it does make me pretty proud that she transitioned to putting herself to sleep without any force or coercion from me. I have had to threaten to put up the gate & have had to follow thru a couple of times as hard as that is on both of us…& I’ve learned that sleep will probably be an ever fluctuating piece of the parenting experience...it's not about success or failure though. It's more ebb & flow...good nights & bad...ever changing & tweeking of routines...

Carry On

There is no way I will ever be able to express how much it meant to me to receive the outpouring of support, encouragement & advice after my last post. For two months, every tantrum & every time Elena hit me, every night she would fight sleep, each defiant behavior was magnified…I’d created this unattainable parental standard…it all had become so big in my head...I’d allowed myself to become so overwhelmed by it all…I had lost sight of any successes we’d had.

As soon as I hit Publish, I felt a weight lift from my chest…when I woke up that Wednesday morning to your comments, I cried…& cried & cried. I felt a renewed sense of confidence…I’d gained a new, more realistic perspective…knowing Elena’s behavior isn't abnormal…the realization that I was already employing a lot of your excellent advice…

It was also that Wednesday that I hear this song for the 1^st time:

 

If you’re lost and alone

Or you’re sinking like a stone

Carry on

May the your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry on

Oh sure, I know it’s not about parenting & is a bit dark but the chorus just…uplifts me. By no means have all of our troubles been resolved…I still don’t feel like I deserve a World’s Best Mom mug quite yet…but we’re making headway…we have as many successes as we do setbacks but I am trying to measure myself by the success, not the setbacks & of course seeing them as setbacks instead of failures was a good first step.

That Was a Lie

Okay, maybe not an outright lie…not a bald-faced lie…bigger than a little white lie though…really more a lie by omission…a misleading truth if you will…

What am I talking about? In my last post when I wrote that the predominant emotion for 2012 was Confidence…that was misleading…when I was looking back over the whole year, I struggled to pin point one emotion…2010 & 2011 were so easy to define…but 2012, it took a lot of thought…I wrote numerous variations before settling on Confidence & hitting publish, substituting many emotions & explanations.

The cause of this indecision is the last 2 months…it seems that Elena has taken the term “Terrible Twos” to heart as it feels like she’s gone bat-shit crazy since turning 20 months. These last 2 months have taken the Confidence I found in the first 10 months of 2012 & obliterated it.

It feels dishonest to me that I haven’t blogged about it before now but it’s been a slow burn building. I was so caught up in planning our trip then sharing about our trip…I didn’t want to mar my Christmas posts with negativity…plus the Sandy Hook Tragedy really walloped me when I was already feeling so emotionally fragile.

I was (and still am) really scared to write about it all…I don’t want to admit out loud what I’ve already concluded in my head…but it’s killing me keeping it inside…and yet I sit here & still just can’t make my fingers type what I need to say. It’s part of my personality to always put on a brave happy face…try to paint every situation in a positive light…tell people what I think they want to hear…I’ve been more honest here on my blog than I ever thought myself capable but even as I reread past posts, I see where I didn’t fully reveal how I was feeling or hid behind sarcasm giving a post a lighter note than what I really felt.

I have to be brutally honest now because I really need support & I need advice & I need encouragement & just admitting those things is almost as hard as admitting that…I’m failing as a mother. I’m failing Elena & I’m failing myself. It’s killing me. The only thing I ever deeply & desperately wanted was to be a mother. I was so sure I would be so good at it. Being a mother has made me feel complete. Being a mother has given purpose to my life. To realize that I’m failing is killing me. Elena deserves better. I love her beyond comprehension & that is how I know that she deserves better than me. If I’m doing so poorly now, how are we going to get thru the next 2, 5, 10, 18 years.

The Issues

She’s hitting still…mostly just me…we were doing really well for so long…until 2 months ago…she hits usually out of anger or frustration but often, out of the blue, for no discernible reason at all. Like the other night: I just got her out of the bath & was drying her off. We were playing a variation of peek-a-boo with the towel making crazy faces & she was laughing hysterically. We were having such a great time, face to face, both of us laughing…then she smacks me…HARD…right across the face. WHY? It hurt my heart more than my face for sure but why would she hit me? When she hits out of anger or frustration I get that…it’s not okay & I tell her so but I get it…why does she hit me in the midst of fun? Nothing I do, no technique I try, seems to impress upon her that hitting is NOT okay….that is our worst issue.

She fights going to sleep at night. She fights it with every fiber of her being no matter how tired she is…aside from all the delay tactics & shenanigans prior to settling down, once she’s drifting off, she’ll literally shake herself, shake her head to wake herself up. I suspect that this is a manifestation of separation anxiety since she knows that 5 mornings out of 7 I’ll be gone when she wakes up. It got worse after us being away together for a whole week & now again after I was home over Christmas. I tried the “Super Nanny Technique” (that’s where I learned it) where I put her in bed, tell her good night, kiss her & leave. When she gets out of bed the 1^st time, I tell her good night & walk her back to bed…the 2^nd time & subsequently after that I just walk her back to bed without talking to her (theory is she’s looking to engage me & by refusing she gets the point)…it did work & she put herself to sleep in bed but in the last 2 months, it’s become a game that she can keep up for hours (7-11pm or longer) at which point I am exhausted & just want to go to bed myself. I have tried putting her to bed earlier, based on the theory that she’s over tired, to no avail…Since we don’t use a crib, I’ve even tried putting a gate on the bedroom door & attempted CIO. I couldn’t…I just couldn’t. I tried cutting out her afternoon nap, which worked in that she conked out at bedtime but she was a grouchy horror show between mid afternoon & bedtime, she really needs that afternoon nap…though I am strict in only letting her sleep 1 hour & never past 2pm or else we’re doomed for sure at bedtime. Some nights out of pure exhaustion I just go to bed with her which isn’t a habit I want her to get use to either…not that it works anyway & I’m sure that I’m asleep before she is.

She is purposefully disobedient. She does things she KNOWS she’s not allowed, touches things she KNOWS she’s not supposed to…I know this is not unique to Elena, that all kids do this…but no amount of discipline seems to get thru to her…& there’s another issue, the frustration I have with the lack of discipline options I have for her age. She’s too young to understand long term punishment, there has to be immediate consequence. I can’t wait until she’s old enough to be given time out & understand it…how awful is that. I do use positive encouragement, catching her doing good things & heap on the praise, telling her how proud I am when she listens or obeys or asks nicely, etc. It does seem to have an effect & gives me hope.

The bottom line is my patience…its wearing thin. Don’t think I’m giving up, I never will. I will always keep going & trying to do better. It’s just that I feel so defeated that all the techniques & ideas I had about this phase aren’t working. I’m frustrated that I can’t reason with Elena. I’m hurt that she lashes out at me even when we’re having a good time. I’m ashamed that I lose my temper with her.

Now that I’ve written it all out, the issues seem so much smaller than they did in my head. But that doesn’t change how badly I’m dealing with it all. Why can’t I get thru to her? Why can’t I make her understand? Why doesn’t anything work? I’m failing. Am I a bad mother? No, absolutely not. Am I a good one? It doesn’t feel like it.

2012 In Review

I’ll get to the review part in a minute…I have been off work since the 21^st of December & you’d think that would mean I’d have oodles of time to blog about our Christmas…turns out not so much. Elena is demanding all of my waking attention…so a quick catch up…

Christmas Eve we attempted a new tradition…baking!! We made Chocolate Macaroons (I tried to find a recipe online to link to but none were as good as mine so if you want my recipe, email me & I’ll send it to you), Rice Krispies Treats & Sugar Cookies…all turned out delicious though Elena took very little interest in any part of the process no matter how much I tried to engage her. Oh well, we’ll try again next year…

We exchanged our traditional Christmas Eve gifts of new pajamas & a Christmas story book then headed out to my Mom’s church for their Candle Light Service…I couldn’t help but remember last year & how Elena was perfecting walking & had such a ball walking around the place…this year she was running around! She only made it 20 minutes into the service before she became too antsy & we had to leave.

Getting her to bed was quite a fight & I was so frustrated by the time she was asleep. I sure was glad that I’d already wrapped all the presents & put together the kitchen Santa was bringing her! Once I moved everything under the tree, I couldn’t help but get caught up in the peace & the lights & my irritation melted away.

Christmas morning was magical. Elena had a good night’s sleep & seemed to just know it was a special day. When she saw that Santa had brought her a kitchen & my Mom had a doll stroller & crib set for her, she was beyond excited!!  She didn’t have much interest in opening any of her wrapped presents & it took a lot of encouragement to get her going but eventually she did…at times it was kinda like watching paint dry though as she was very meticulous about ripping every shred of wrapping from each present…tedious but so precious.

After a great nap, Elena was ready for round 2…the rest of my family arrived & we exchanged gifts & had a delicious dinner…so really, a perfect Christmas.

My favourite thing during this week though was after the snow storm we had & getting Elena out in it…since last year she was too little, this was her 1^st experience really…& she may not have liked the beach or the sand but my girl? She loves the snow!!

 

Now here we are, New Years Eve…& I’m reflecting on 2012…in last year’s In Review, I anticipated that 2012 would be full of changes & challenges & I was right. This year was definitely challenging what with adjusting back to work & the constant flux of my baby becoming a toddler. I know we have been thru a lot of growing pains this year but as I sit here & look back…it’s all the awesome times we’ve had: Elena’s 1^st birthday, Easter, the Teddy Bear Picnic, swimming all summer, the Ice Cream Festival, Rib-Fests, gymnastics, the Rockton Fair, our 1^st vacation that come to mind…all of those good times plus all the little things too like the silly games, the giggles & belly laughs, the cuddles, the kisses, those little things that I don’t remember the details of but that have left the deepest mark on my heart.

And the predominant emotion? In 2010 it was Fear, in 2011: Awe…for 2012? Confidence. This year I have learned to trust my gut, to be okay with making up my mind & changing my mind & even learning to have confidence in my uncertainty. I have learned to trust I know what is best for Elena & I & not to hesitate in the face of criticism or judgment. I am very much looking forward to 2013 but like last year I find myself quite content just being in the here & now.

 

Happy New Year, Everyone
I wish you all the very best in 2013.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town...

…Elena is none too impressed…again! If you remember last year, Elena did just fine until I stepped away for the photo, but at least we got a picture…this year? No amount of trying has resulted in a photo.

Our 1^st try was at the mall…we’d been talking about Santa for a few days & I’d told her about sitting on his lap for a photo. We arrived at the mall & I showed her Santa’s Village (He hadn’t arrived yet). I asked if she wanted to wait to see him, she said yes. Santa arrived in all his fan fair. Elena was precious! She was in awe! She sank to one knee & held my hand tightly, her mouth a big “O”. I asked her again if she wanted to wait to meet him, she said yes…we then waited FORTY-FIVE MINUTES!! My rambunctious kid waited patiently for 45 minutes watching everyone else have their turn, me chatting with her about when it would be her turn & asking her, “Are you going to sit on Santa’s lap?” her always answering yes.

Then it was our turn…I started to lead her toward Santa & she stopped dead & wouldn’t budge, waving her hand in true diva style…she was not having it! I was standing halfway between her & Santa & she wanted to come to me but was wary to get too close to Santa. She finally bolted & ran into my arms. As I was carrying her past Santa, telling her it was ok, she didn’t have to sit on his lap, Santa offered her a colouring book. She took that from him with a smile then insisted I keep moving! It was hilarious but at the same time, did we have to wait FORTY-FIVE MINUTES for this?!!? She could have just told me no right off, lol! So needless to say, no picture!

The most fun this season so far was my work’s Children’s Christmas Party…they really go all out…there was face painting, cookie decorating, crafts & each child gets a gift. They also had a photographer & yep, you guessed it, Santa Claus!!

Elena was intrigued & curious this time…she wouldn't get close to him but would hover near him…she spent a lot of time sitting on the floor watching everyone else get their photos. I let her be, hoping that she would warm up & we’d get a photo…this Santa was great too! When there was a lull of people he would try coaxing Elena over, chatting & joking with her, tempting her with his bells. I even went & stood with him talking, hoping she’d come over…no dice. This wasn’t a few minutes either; this was over the ENTIRE afternoon!! This is the best we got:

I love it of course since we don’t get all that many photos together…it was suggested afterward & I wish we’d thought of it then, but we should have had Santa sneak into the photo behind us though Elena did have an eagle eye on him so it probably wouldn’t have worked!

The best part of the day by far was the entertainer they had…Elena loved him & he was great at engaging the kids! Just look at the fun she had:

 Now keep in mind, that video was what? 30 seconds? She danced like that the whole 45 minutes he was up there!! Of course that was between quick runs over to see what Santa was doing!! She’d also do this hilarious dance where she’d bend over & put her hands on the floor then bounce her butt…hilarious!! It was such a great day!

So no Santa photos…oh well! I certainly wasn’t going to force her! Here are some of the photos from the shoot we did for our Christmas card:

 Last but not least, here are the photos we got on our vacation:

Remember

Like most everyone else, I have had a heavy heart weighed down by grief since Friday. I am grateful Elena is too young to understand why her Momma was crying so much this weekend & why I hugged her so tightly. My mind has been filled with thoughts for those parents who have lost their babies. I worry about how many of them are carrying the guilt of a rushed drop off at school that morning or an angry word being the last they spoke to their child. There’s nothing that I can write that is much different than all that has already been written. But I want to do SOMETHING, have to do something, before I can move on to my life & begin savoring the joy that is my daughter in a new & deeper way.

I am taking up Dyke in the Heart of Texas plea to remember one name. After reading the names & a bit about each of the 20 children, I choose OliviaEngel.