As I sit here in my jammie-jams, enjoying the fact that I got to sleep in & thinking about Christmas...I can't help but be awed at how different this Christmas is from the so many Christmas' before...
For many many years now, Christmas has been bittersweet for me...Christmas has always been my favourite time of year...I just love the lights & colours, the music & cheer, getting together with family & friends...but for the last however many years Christmas has had an undertone of sadness & loneliness for me. Every Christmas that came & went was another reminder of what I felt were my failures...another year that I hadn't met my Prince Charming, another year past without starting a family of my own, the realization I may never be a Mother...that's the one that hurt the most. I mean, I can wait forever for my Mr. Right, there's no time limit on love...but my window to becoming a Mother (biologically speaking) was beginning to close.
I wanted to know what it was like to be pregnant...I wanted to know how it felt to have a baby move inside me...I wanted to experience labour & delivery...I wanted to experience breastfeeding...I wanted a beautiful little person to depend on me & call me Mama...& every Christmas that passed reminded me that I didn't have any of that & maybe never would.
It was last Christmas Eve that I told my Brother & Sister-in-law of my plans to be a Choice Mom...their support & encouragement were overwhelming & they, along with the rest of my family, have stood by me through it all this year.
Now, here I am, Christmas Eve & feeling my Daughter kick & flip inside me & it seems so surreal...if this is a dream, please don't wake me.