As I sit here in my office at work...all alone since I am the ONLY person in the building today (it's a little creepy!)...I'm lacking the motivation to actually work & my mind keeps wondering back over this past year....
From the start, 2010 was already a big year for me as my birthday would fall on 10.10.2010...I'd been thinking about this fact for the last couple of years & wanted to do something special...as it turned out, I decided to become a Mother.
What I remember feeling a year ago, having made this momentous decision, was...terror! Okay, that's a bit over-dramatic...but I was scared...at that point, I had never heard the term "Choice Mom", I didn't know that IUI & IVF were two totally different things, I had no idea what Clomid was or that my menstrual cycle consisted of more than just Day 14-Ovulation & Day 28-Period or even that my period marked the BEGINNING of my cycle, not the end! I didn't know just how much I didn't know!
I remember that by around January 7th or 8th, I still hadn't made a call to any Fertility Clinics...by this point I had scoped out a few clinics in my area...I had learned that I needed IUI with Donor Sperm or TDI......I had started looking at Donor Banks...all I thought about was TTC (though didn't know about that acronym yet)...& I realized I was scared...scared to take that next step...scared of the unknown...
I realize now that fear has been my most predominant emotion in 2010...that makes me sad to admit. I've experienced a vast array of emotions this year...in any given year, for that matter...but as I reflect on 2010, fear has threaded itself through every experience I've had this year...in so many ways, so many times this year, I have been gripped with fear, overcome with fear, brought to my knees by fear.
This year is also the 1st in my life that I have been told, numerous times, how courageous I am...interesting, don't you think? The year that I am most fearful, the year that I am fear's bitch, is also the year I find my courage...that's what courage is though, isn't it? Doing something despite your fear? That makes me a whole lot less sad...dare I say even a little proud? Makes the fear worth it, I think.
I wonder what emotion will dominate 2011...for 2011 is sure to be filled with many many emotions...but which will stand out most?
What I remember feeling a year ago, having made this momentous decision, was...terror! Okay, that's a bit over-dramatic...but I was scared...at that point, I had never heard the term "Choice Mom", I didn't know that IUI & IVF were two totally different things, I had no idea what Clomid was or that my menstrual cycle consisted of more than just Day 14-Ovulation & Day 28-Period or even that my period marked the BEGINNING of my cycle, not the end! I didn't know just how much I didn't know!
I remember that by around January 7th or 8th, I still hadn't made a call to any Fertility Clinics...by this point I had scoped out a few clinics in my area...I had learned that I needed IUI with Donor Sperm or TDI......I had started looking at Donor Banks...all I thought about was TTC (though didn't know about that acronym yet)...& I realized I was scared...scared to take that next step...scared of the unknown...
I realize now that fear has been my most predominant emotion in 2010...that makes me sad to admit. I've experienced a vast array of emotions this year...in any given year, for that matter...but as I reflect on 2010, fear has threaded itself through every experience I've had this year...in so many ways, so many times this year, I have been gripped with fear, overcome with fear, brought to my knees by fear.
This year is also the 1st in my life that I have been told, numerous times, how courageous I am...interesting, don't you think? The year that I am most fearful, the year that I am fear's bitch, is also the year I find my courage...that's what courage is though, isn't it? Doing something despite your fear? That makes me a whole lot less sad...dare I say even a little proud? Makes the fear worth it, I think.
I wonder what emotion will dominate 2011...for 2011 is sure to be filled with many many emotions...but which will stand out most?
I think the reason we experience fear is to learn to overcome it. I think G-d or life or whatever, puts difficulty and challenge in our way to give us the strength to grow. You should be proud, soon-to-be-mommy, you've grown a lot. And if that's not what life's about, I'm not sure what is. Happy New Year to you :)
ReplyDeleteI'm excited to hear what 2011 brings for you... I see a lot of JOY in your future! Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteI remember that fear. When I first went to the fertility clinic and they told me they had no donor specimens adequate for IUI and that there were only 4 donors that I could chose from for IVF, I totally freaked out. It took another entire year, and the generous gift from a known donor, to start my IUI journey. My fear is back now that I am down to my last two frozen sperm samples, now that I am 40, now that I realise my fertility is questionable.
ReplyDeleteIt is courageous to go through this process on your own. To confront your fear and keep true to your course. I am so very, very happy that you have had such great success Tiara. 2011 is going to be a wonderful, exciting and probably frightening at times (!) year for you. Enjoy it.
Happy New Year!
I once read the quote: "Courage is fear that has said its prayers." Wishing you a happy, healthy New Year!
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year, Tiara! And Pinkratulations! This year (2010) has been eventful for me as well.
ReplyDeleteP.S....I got here from the ICLW comment you left for me!