Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 In Review

As I sit here in my office at work...all alone since I am the ONLY person in the building today (it's a little creepy!)...I'm lacking the motivation to actually work & my mind keeps wondering back over this past year....

From the start, 2010 was already a big year for me as my birthday would fall on 10.10.2010...I'd been thinking about this fact for the last couple of years & wanted to do something it turned out, I decided to become a Mother.

What I remember feeling a year ago, having made this momentous decision, was...terror! Okay, that's a bit over-dramatic...but I was that point, I had never heard the term "Choice Mom", I didn't know that IUI & IVF were two totally different things, I had no idea what Clomid was or that my menstrual cycle consisted of more than just Day 14-Ovulation & Day 28-Period or even that my period marked the BEGINNING of my cycle, not the end! I didn't know just how much I didn't know!

I remember that by around January 7th or 8th, I still hadn't made a call to any Fertility this point I had scoped out a few clinics in my area...I had learned that I needed IUI with Donor Sperm or TDI......I had started looking at Donor Banks...all I thought about was TTC (though didn't know about that acronym yet)...& I realized I was scared...scared to take that next step...scared of the unknown...

I realize now that fear has been my most predominant emotion in 2010...that makes me sad to admit. I've experienced a vast array of emotions this any given year, for that matter...but as I reflect on 2010, fear has threaded itself  through every experience I've had this so many ways, so many times this year, I have been gripped with fear, overcome with fear, brought to my knees by fear.

This year is also the 1st in my life that I have been told, numerous times, how courageous I am...interesting, don't you think? The year that I am most fearful, the year that I am fear's bitch, is also the year I find my courage...that's what courage is though, isn't it? Doing something despite your fear? That makes me a whole lot less sad...dare I say even a little proud? Makes the fear worth it, I think.

I wonder what emotion will dominate 2011...for 2011 is sure to be filled with many many emotions...but which will stand out most?


  1. I think the reason we experience fear is to learn to overcome it. I think G-d or life or whatever, puts difficulty and challenge in our way to give us the strength to grow. You should be proud, soon-to-be-mommy, you've grown a lot. And if that's not what life's about, I'm not sure what is. Happy New Year to you :)

  2. I'm excited to hear what 2011 brings for you... I see a lot of JOY in your future! Happy New Year!

  3. I remember that fear. When I first went to the fertility clinic and they told me they had no donor specimens adequate for IUI and that there were only 4 donors that I could chose from for IVF, I totally freaked out. It took another entire year, and the generous gift from a known donor, to start my IUI journey. My fear is back now that I am down to my last two frozen sperm samples, now that I am 40, now that I realise my fertility is questionable.

    It is courageous to go through this process on your own. To confront your fear and keep true to your course. I am so very, very happy that you have had such great success Tiara. 2011 is going to be a wonderful, exciting and probably frightening at times (!) year for you. Enjoy it.

    Happy New Year!

  4. I once read the quote: "Courage is fear that has said its prayers." Wishing you a happy, healthy New Year!

  5. Happy New Year, Tiara! And Pinkratulations! This year (2010) has been eventful for me as well.

    P.S....I got here from the ICLW comment you left for me!


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