Today holds a special memory in my heart...today was my due date with my first pregnancy. With this date coming up, I have been doing a lot of thinking & looking back & wondering. I wasn't sure how I would feel or if I would even remember...but as December approached & then the 10th got closer, it's been on my mind...I am sad thinking of & missing my little Tadpole, my baby that wasn't meant to be...but that makes me feel guilt...especially when I feel my sweet Girl kicking & moving around.
Miscarrying ranks up there in my top 5 worst life experiences...that goes without saying...there was a point that I didn't think I'd survive, physically or emotionally...that's when my mind turned to moving forward. I remember feeling that I MUST move on...I MUST NOT dwell...so that's what I did, I moved on, I didn't dwell & I tried again right away, as soon as my body would allow me to...my body was physically ready but I wonder now if I was emotionally ready...I wonder if I gave myself enough time to heal mentally & come to terms with my loss.
I wonder this because as joyous as my current pregnancy has been, there has been a constant undercurrent of fear, worry & anxiety. Fear of losing this baby too, fear of getting too attached 'just in case', fear of so much...& worry, worry I'm doing something wrong, worrying something is wrong, worrying I'm worrying too much...or not enough...& pretty constant anxiety, mostly irrational anxiety, like when I'm in the baby section of a store, am I tempting fate? anxiety over buying my stroller that if I do, it will cause me to miscarry again, anxiety to even 'name' her...with my 1st pregnancy, I affectionately called the baby my Tadpole...I haven't called this baby anything other than Baby or my Girl for fear of jinxing her. Heaped on top of all this fear, worry & anxiety is guilt...
For the most part I kept this all inside...partly because when I tried to talk about it, I was told I was being silly...mostly because I was even afraid if I admitted how scared, worried & anxious I was that it would cause things to go wrong.
It was during my prenatal classes that I learned that all of this fear, worry & anxiety wasn't silly...more importantly, I learned that this amount of anxiety can lead to worsened postpartum depression...so last month, at my Midwife appointment, I admitted my fears, worries & anxiety...She didn't tell me I was being silly, she didn't dismiss me...she took the time to listen & provide information to help put my mind at ease...she validated my feelings & made me feel less crazy & more supported...she decided & I agreed to a referral to the Women's Health Concerns Clinic at my hospital...this is a community psychiatry practice that focuses on women's mental health. I'm amazed at what a difference just knowing that help is in place has made for me.
It was through all of this too, that I learned that I can miss my Tadpole & be sad for that loss without lessening my love for my Girl...being joyful & excited with this pregnancy doesn't diminish my feelings for my first nor does it mean I've forgotten.
So today, I remember my Tadpole...my angel baby.
For the most part I kept this all inside...partly because when I tried to talk about it, I was told I was being silly...mostly because I was even afraid if I admitted how scared, worried & anxious I was that it would cause things to go wrong.
It was during my prenatal classes that I learned that all of this fear, worry & anxiety wasn't silly...more importantly, I learned that this amount of anxiety can lead to worsened postpartum depression...so last month, at my Midwife appointment, I admitted my fears, worries & anxiety...She didn't tell me I was being silly, she didn't dismiss me...she took the time to listen & provide information to help put my mind at ease...she validated my feelings & made me feel less crazy & more supported...she decided & I agreed to a referral to the Women's Health Concerns Clinic at my hospital...this is a community psychiatry practice that focuses on women's mental health. I'm amazed at what a difference just knowing that help is in place has made for me.
It was through all of this too, that I learned that I can miss my Tadpole & be sad for that loss without lessening my love for my Girl...being joyful & excited with this pregnancy doesn't diminish my feelings for my first nor does it mean I've forgotten.
So today, I remember my Tadpole...my angel baby.
Here's to your Tadpole!
ReplyDeleteSending prayers for you and angel, Tadpole. I'm so proud of you for talking to your midwife about your feelings (I hope that doesn't sound too patronizing), and prioritizing your mental sanity and that for your future babe. You're a strong woman, Tiara, and I totally admire you. :)
ReplyDeleteTiara, you are doing great.. This whole process is a whirlwind and we try our best to get through it. Soon you will be a mommy. Sending prayers to Tadpole.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that someone told you that you were being "silly" to feel anxious about your pregnancy, they were wrong. It is entirely normal to worry about things that may (or may not) go wrong, especially when you have had a previous miscarriage. Even my friends who have not had any fertility problems or miscarriages have worried throughout their pregnancies.
ReplyDeleteOlder, professional, & single mums do have increased risk of PND. I think it's wonderful that you have organised support in advanced, and in my professional experience; women who are well informed, supported & prepared for PND are less likely to actually experience it.
Thanks for your support Tiara :)
Bless your little tadpole. Thinking of all three of you tonight.
ReplyDeleteWorry during pregnancy is pretty normal, but it's definitely intensified after living through a loss like we had to. I worry every single day, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't still have my sanity if I didn't have my doppler!
ReplyDeleteRemembering your Tadpole today and celebrating the little girl that's kicking around inside you right now!
Good for the prenatal classes that taught you your fear isn't silly (and I think it's totally understandable that after experiencing a loss that you would have those fears and worries) and good that you will be able to see someone and talk about it.
ReplyDeleteAnd though a bit late, remembering Tadpole!