Thursday, April 28, 2011

Does it Hurt Any Less?

It was 1 year ago today…I'd learned of my impending loss the day before but it was 1 year ago today that the pain & physical evidence of it started. I had never before experienced such all consuming physical & emotional pain at the same time. It was all so overwhelming…dealing with feelings of failure & self-blame, feeling so empty & lost…all while having to endure the anguish of my body expelling the life I had already begun to love. I secluded myself…turned inside myself & suffered alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to have to listen to their pity & platitudes…I didn’t feel like I deserved their love & compassion. I had started to question whether I should pursue this dream of motherhood. I hadn’t been prepared for this loss & grief. I endured those days of physical pain & emotional turmoil then stuffed it deep down inside & moved on…but the grief took longer to deal with…I’m still dealing…1 year later & I still grieve the loss of my 1st pregnancy…would it hurt more if I’d had subsequent losses? I don’t know…I’m sure it would…but does it hurt any less now?

4 comments:

  1. It's amazing how you can feel such joy for one child, and such sadness over the loss of another, all at the same time.

    ((hugs))

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  2. I've been told you never really get over the loss of a child. The pain is always there, it just changes over time, becoming more bearable.

    While you celebrate the life you've created (Elena), I believe your grief for the loss of your first child honors them. Allow yourself to feel it--let it come up and out. I hope by getting it out, it will become more bearable for you.

    Thinking of you, T.

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  3. I'm sorry that you have to carry this grief Tiara, the memory of great pain is never forgotten, but I hope that there will come a time in the future when this anniversary can be marked without that pain overwhelming you. Take care hon xx

    Have been catching up on your posts - am pleased Elena and her mum are doing so well! xx

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