2013 In Review

It’s surreal to me that this is my 4^th In Review post. Looking back at 2013, I feel as though I’ve come so far this year. In 2012 I felt I’d gained my confidence yet, in the end, I didn’t have the confidence to be honest about how things were at the end of last year.

This year, I promise to be honest…Life with Elena has been extremely fun…& extremely frustrating!! What is it with Elena & this time of year? It’s not lost on me that Elena started acting crazy about the same time last year as she has this year. Is it some weird Seasonal Affective Disorder…who knows but the girl is certainly expressing her independence & opinions! I’m pretty good dealing with her…but man, it drives me crazy when she doesn’t listen to me! Elena is beyond her years in developing the talent of selective hearing that usually doesn’t appear until adolescence! For the most part though, if I can keep my patience in check, we get by just fine.

One of the biggest issues we had last year was her sleep & how she would fight bedtime. As I learned, sleep with a toddler is always evolving. We went a good long time with easy, peaceful bedtimes…then just in the last month or so, she starts all these games & silliness at bedtime…until finally, one night I’d had enough, I didn’t want to yell & scream & fight with her but I wasn’t going to stay while she futzed around…so I told her enough, to stay in bed & go to sleep & I walked out…I went back in a few minutes later, feeling guilty for leaving her & she was fast asleep. This happened a couple more times before it dawned on me, she fights bedtime because bedtime means our time together is over & more often than not, I won’t be there when she wakes up. She is so tired & needs her sleep but doesn’t want to give in…but if I say good night & leave, she’s asleep in minutes!!

Behaviour is still a big issue…we’ve started making good use of time outs…I’m not altogether convinced these make any sort of impact on her…last year, I bought the book, No Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley…but haven’t read it yet…I’m thinking I need to make the time now!!

Through all of these things this year, I have held onto the lessons & advice I got back at the beginning of this year…accepting that I don’t have to be perfect…believing I am a good mom, not just despite my mistakes but because of my mistakes. I’ve really learned that my mistakes make me better…Like I said, I really feel like I’ve come so far this year. More than that, I feel like I have come into my own. It’s a really good thing because 2014 is going to be a difficult year. I know that as any of the previous versions of myself, I would not be able to deal with & get through what I will have to in 2014. But the person I am now, I am ready to face it.

Obligatory Christmas Post

Nothing this Christmas has worked out the way I envisioned it back in October when I first started thinking about it…The worst part, & where all my negativity stems from, is we have a major family health crisis come up just a week before Christmas that has sent me into a tailspin…I’m still reeling. Don’t worry, Elena & I are just fine & in perfect health…this all concerns a member of my extended family.

She hadn’t been feeling well for some time but nothing specific. She was deeply exhausted all the time, she was having odd discomfort in her head, not headaches per se, but an achiness that made her vision feel off…recently she started experiencing serious vertigo…all little things that, by themselves, seemed harmless…but hindsight being 20/20 all make so much sense now.

December 17^th, after a long day’s work, she was settling down for the evening when she started to feel very weird…all of a sudden her mouth & tongue started to twitch & spasm uncontrollably…she was frightened & called out to her friend who was staying with her…the friend called 911 & they were thinking maybe she was having a mini stroke. She was rushed to the hospital, a CAT scan done immediately then they sent her straight for a chest x-ray. I’m not sure if it was before or after a Doctor had been in to talk to her, but she had another episode of twitching & spasms & they were identified as seizures, not a stroke.

The night of the 17^th, I had been exhausted…for the life of me, I can’t remember why now…but I had gone to bed with Elena at 7pm…when I woke for work at 4:30am, I got the messages. I rushed right over to the hospital. I didn’t know what to expect but was not prepared for what I heard.

She was awake when I arrived, about 5:30am, she gave me her account of what had happened then she told me what the Doctor had told her…brain tumor, chest x-ray showing a mass on her lungs…more tests needed to identify the primary sight & what is on her lungs…

A biopsy of her liver was done on the 20^th…on the 23^rd, while I was with her, she had another seizure…it was very scary to witness.

The morning of the 24^th, I was getting Elena & I ready as we were planning on visiting her to have our  little Christmas together…she texts me at 7:45am that she’s just been told that they are taking her to the cancer hospital in my town for a 9am appointment. That’s the only information we’re given. I assure her I will meet her there at 9am…my Mom steps up, as usual, & takes care of Elena plus offers to drive me & drop me off so I don’t have to find parking…Elena, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why she is now not allowed to come with me to visit her…how do you explain this type of thing to a two year old? She cries all the way there while I apologize over & over again…what else can I do?

We are brought in to a see a Radiology Oncologist…he looks to be no older than 28, which makes me feel very old. He is very nice but doesn’t sugar coat anything. He shoots straight & though it is hard to hear, we appreciate his candidness.

She is full of cancer…there’s a lot of it…in her lungs, liver & of course the brain tumor. There is no cure, but they will treat her as she tolerates to keep her with us as long as they can while maintaining her quality of life. She is too unwell to consider chemo at this time & since all her symptoms stem from the brain tumor, they’ll treat that…with radiation, which has its own risks…it will cause the tumor to swell before it gets better…this could mean more seizures…and…

I am being purposefully vague to try & protect her identity but she is a family member & I am her next of kin. Her care falls to me. I am sick at the thought of what she has to face…I am scared to be the one to have to face it with her. I am scared to think about any of it…it’s all so overwhelming…

Elena…she is just too young to understand…but she does understand that I am not here when I should be, that when I am here, she doesn’t have my full attention while I return emails & send texts & take phone calls…she’s acting out & it’s killing me that a lot of what precious time we do have together is spent with me giving her timeouts & her having tantrums. I am not being the mother I want to be…the mother she deserves…

I did stay home with her on Christmas Day & we had our family dinner & I gave her my (mostly) undivided attention…it was a really good day…a Christmas we’ll remember…but not for the reasons I had wanted…

Still Remembering

I made a promise a year ago & I have stayed true to that promise. I think of Olivia very often. I think of her parents & wonder how they are coping missing their little girl every day. I think of her little brother & how hard it must be for him to understand that his sister is gone. I often think of all the families in Newtown. My thoughts & prayers are with them as they endure this painful anniversary.

I Don’t Even Know Where to Start…

I have all the same excuses reasons you read about all the time for not having blogged in a while. My last post (aside from the Crème de laCrème reminder…which you still have time before the December 15^th deadline to submit, BTW) was September 24^th…So much has happened since then…I’ve had plenty to say but never enough time to sit down & coherently articulate what is on my mind. When I would have time to write, I just couldn’t organize my thoughts enough or decide on which of the many topics on my mind I wanted to focus on…& time continued to pass & many things continued to happen…& the more time that passed, the harder it was to compose a post…Life has felt so busy…I know by the disarray of my home that spare time has been minimal. Yet as I sit here, I am at a loss as to what has kept me too busy to blog…well, that’s not completely true…I know what has kept me from blogging but none of it is interesting enough to blog about! Instead of trying to play catch up, I will start fresh right now with a clean slate.

The biggest news lately was our big vacation! Elena & I went to the Dominican Republic for a week!! We stayed at the Grand Bahia Principe LaRomana…& this trip was 100% better than last year!!!

I feel so very lucky that Elena is such a great traveler! Our flight was at 5:40am which meant getting Elena out of bed at 4am…thankfully (& surprisingly) she went to bed extra early the night before without fuss! She has been obsessed with the dark since the time change & was so excited at the promise that we would be going on the plane in the dark! She did amazingly on the plane, hardly fussing at all & even taking a 40 minute nap! I had a whole bag of tricks to keep her busy plus we had seat back TVs that all kept her entertained during the 4.5 hour flight.

That's a Walmart toy flyer she studied for a good 45 minutes!!

 

Aside from a couple hiccups (no air conditioning in our room the 1^st night & Elena falling of the slide & getting a fat lip on the 2^nd day) our vacation was absolute perfection!! I don’t have a single complaint about the entire trip…Spending 7 days with Elena was an absolute treat! Don’t get me wrong, Elena had her moments, she is 2.5 after all, but when all you have to do all day is swim, play on the beach & eat, this leaves little time for her to tantrum.

Speaking of swimming…Elena swims on her own now!!! That’s right, at 2.5 she swims! What’s funny is she doesn’t quite realize that she can swim. She jumps in & swims to me then wants me to help her swim back to the side!! I have some great video but Blogger won't let me upload it :(

I was also very happy that she’s gotten over her aversion to sand & we were able to play on the beach this year!! She & I are very good hole diggers! She even played in the ocean!! Of course she did this on the day I didn’t have my camera with us!! I still caught some great beach fun!

 

Lastly, I have to rave about one of the single best purchases I have ever made! Last spring, I found the “On the Edge Marketing” Folding Wagon online. It is an awesome alternative to a stroller! Now that Elena likes to walk as often as ride, this has been fantastic!! There’s plenty of space for diaper bags, lunch bags & depending on ages/sizes, can fit 2-4 children comfortably! It folds flat & takes up less space than our collapsible stroller!! It meets airline standards to be checked at the gate same as a stroller…& was a dream to have in the airport!! Being able to load all our bags plus Elena into it while navigating the terminal, security & customs was awesome!! It also made life at the resort so much easier! We would load it up every morning with our swim bags, beach toys, snacks…& it made getting a dawdling toddler from point A to point B so much easier!! There is only 1 drawback…no brakes, so you have to be mindful where you stop. Also be prepared to be stopped by other parents & grandparents everywhere you go!! We get stopped at least 2-3 times to be asked where we got it, how much it cost & a dozen other questions! I don’t mind raving about it though!! Oh, & in case you were wondering, I have no affiliation with “On the Edge Marketing” or any seller or dealer for the wagon in any way…it’s just an awesome product I had to rave about!!

 

I’ll leave you with a few of our favourite moments…

 

It's that time again...

Don't forget to submit yours...



Daddy Questions

I need your advice…I’m asking for your opinion…on a few things…all related to “The Daddy Question”

I have started telling Elena the story of her…I’m interested in your thoughts…here’s what I tell her:

“I always wanted to be a mommy…I waited & waited & waited…until I couldn’t wait anymore. I thought & thought & I looked & looked & picked the very best donor. Then, I went to a special Doctor & he put the donor sperm into Mommy’s tummy & it combined with Mommy’s egg…& it grew & grew & got bigger & bigger…& became YOU!! I always wanted to be your mommy. I love you so very much & you make me so very proud”…then we kiss & cuddle.

The funniest is that she gets so excited when we get to the part about the doctor & she squeals, “Doctor! Doctor!” She also loves the part about getting bigger & becoming her.

What do you think? Can I phrase any of it any better? Am I missing any important info? Am I giving too much info?

Elena is still calling my Mom “Daddy” instead of Gramma. We never refer to her as daddy but my Mom does answer to it. Initially, it felt as though Elena was just confusing sounds. For example, she says doctor “gah-go”…but it has become apparent that she knows the difference between “daddy” & “gramma”. At gymnastics, when a father is there, she will point at them & say, “Daddy!” (I don’t mean she thinks this is her daddy, she is just pointing out he is a daddy) When I encourage Elena to say “Gramma”, she just looks at me slyly…I have even just made it a non-issue, thinking she’ll just switch to Gramma…part of me feels as though this is the name she has chosen for my Mom & it doesn’t seem to bother my Mom…so why not just let Elena call her Daddy?

My concern is, now that Elena is attending preschool, interacting more & more with other children & families, will she be ridiculed for calling my Mom Daddy? It can be complicated to explain to new people all the time that Elena means Gramma when she says “daddy”…when the three of us are out together & Elena is calling “Da-dee!!!” & my Mom responds we get some odd looks for sure. So what are the potential issues with Elena calling my Mom daddy? Do you think I should worry less about what others think & just let Elena call my Mom what she wants? What about when she gets to kindergarten & older?

Elena has become very aware of men lately; she points them out all the time & says, “Maaaan.” She will also identify them as daddies. So she seems aware what a daddy is. Am I harming her psychologically by allowing her to label my Mom “Daddy”? Daddy feels & sounds so much like a term of endearment when Elena says it in reference to my Mom. Am I harming her psychologically by forcing her to call my Mom “Gramma”?

What do you think? What advice do you have for me? Because I am turning this all over in my head constantly & would really love to hear some new perspectives.

Two & a Half?!!?

Yup, that’s right! Today is Elena’s Half Birthday!! Sounds about time for an update, no?

Yesterday was a big day…Elena started preschool!! She’ll be going 2 mornings a week & I know this will be so very good for her. It killed me not to be there, to not be the one to drop her off…I’d always imagined taking the morning off work to drop her off on her 1^st day of school…but my Mom had been taking her to the drop in program her teacher ran all summer…so Elena was comfortable & familiar going…if I had gone, Elena likely would have made a fuss…but my Mom did me proud & took LOTS of pictures!!

When I got home from work, I asked her what her favourite part of school was & she said, “Buwee” Huh? & she said it again with earnest enthusiasm…but I had no idea what she meant…so she said it louder…because isn’t that what we all naturally do if someone doesn’t understand us? I still have no idea what Buwee is but I’m glad she enjoyed it so much whatever it was!

It is obvious that language is still a challenge for us…and the major source of frustration for both Elena & I. Her receptive language is remarkable…mine, not so much, lol! At least of her language…I understand so little of what she’s trying to say…& now she’s speaking in 2 & 3 “word” sentences, so it’s getting even harder to understand…some of the time I know intuitively what she is trying to say & that feels good. It’s also amazing when she says something clearly & I stop dead & say, “Did you just hear that?!!?”

The other challenge is that so many of her “words” sound exactly alike…like buwee, bwue, bwoon, & other variations…she could be saying blue, balloon, bubble…but when I correctly identify what she’s saying, boy do we celebrate!!!

Tomorrow we see another Speech Pathologist to be reassessed to make sure we still qualify to attend the program available for Elena…I’m anxious to hear her thoughts. The program sounds amazing. There are 6 Parent only Sessions plus 4 Individual Video-Practice Sessions.

She is a very tall little girl! It's hard to get her to stand still long enough to get an exact measurement but she's about 38 inches tall. She's solid too at 36 pounds...

She eats very well with minimal complaint...pizza is definitely her favourite! Every night we don't have pizza, she says "No buppy, Momma"...buppy means pizza, by the way...she's not big on breakfast but will usually have fruit & yogurt when encouraged...she also loves V8 Fruit Smoothies. She also has enjoyed her fair share of popsicles this summer & has become an expert pudding pop maker! She is so proud to share them, knowing she'd made them herself.

Physically she is very active...she has come so far this summer with her balance bike & has mastered coasting. The park is one of her favourite places & she has no fear on any of the structures. She loves to jump & will jump on or over just about anything!! We couldn't get back to gymnastics soon enough!! Which starts back up this Saturday.

And swimming! This little kid is a fish!! She loves being in the pool & she doesn't even use her water wings any more!! She's tall enough that the water in the kid's pool comes to her chin & in the deeper pool, she's fine with a noodle.

She is so precious playing with her dolls. She is so sweet, cuddling them, kissing them, swaddling them & when she puts them to sleep, we all have to "shhh". She also loves to play with her mega blocks & her Little People sets. She loves to read & be read to...she loves stickers & finger painting.

All in all, our life is good. We’ve had an amazing summer together…so many awesome memories. We have so much to look forward to this fall & winter too!

Happy Half Birthday, my precious little girl!!

Her Cheese Face

1st Day of Preschool at her own cubby -
again with the cheese face!!