Disappointment

Well...today did not go as I had hoped it would. It turns out my Tadpole just couldn't hang on...the U/S showed an empty gestational sac...I knew something was wrong when the tech kept quizzing me about if I had my dates correct...then she said she had to confirm some info with the nurse...so at that point I knew...

I think I've always known...I know that's easy to say now but I knew, I really did. Everyone kept telling me not to be negative but it wasn't a matter of being negative...it was just an intuition, an instinct, a feeling in my heart...

The worst part now, after the disappointment, is waiting...more waiting...a miscarriage is inevitable...I'll have to wait & see if it'll occur naturally or if I'll have to go in for a D&C...the Dr wants me to go into the clinic tomorrow morning for a pregnancy BT...I don't really understand the point of that...I'm guessing it's to see if my hCG levels are decreasing...

I, of course, consulted Dr Google & have learned quite a bit...this happens all the time & in no way indicates anything wrong with me or any problem with my donor or our compatibility...nor does it mean that I did anything wrong & there isn't anything I could have done differently...& I confirmed with my nurse that this isn't an indication there is anything wrong with me or my ability to have children...I will be able to try again as soon as this hurdle is crossed...and a hopeful stat: 90% of women have a full term, perfectly healthy pregnancy after their 1st miscarriage.

I've given myself the permission to greive this loss...to be honest, I feel like I deserve this...I've felt that this 1st try just seemed too easy, like I hadn't earned it...does that make sense? I don't mean that in the negative way it sounds, I guess I'm rationalizing...

What scares me right now is the fear of how long I'll be expected to wait for a natural miscarriage...because emotionally & psychologically I am okay right now but if I'm expected to wait weeks? I can't imagine the emotional toll that will take. And to be frank, I just want to move on...get on with try number 2...I don't mean that to sound cold...I am grateful for this experience with my Tadpole & feel deep sadness for my loss...but it wasn't meant to be. I am greiving but I will not dwell.

Anticipation

I have journaled since I can remember...I have diaries & journals from as early as 3rd & 4th grade...it has always been a way for me to deal with whatever happened to be going on in my life...to get it out of my head so it wouldn't bottle up...yet today? I am at a loss to express how I'm feeling.

Excitement is too small a word...there doesn't seem to be words big enough or profound enough to describe the anticipation I feel for tomorrow. Tomorrow I get my 1st meeting with my little tadpole...I will hear her little heartbeat for the 1st time...I will see his tiny little developing body...I am overcome with emotion at this dream come true.

There was a time not long ago that I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never know the love of a child of my own. That realization broke my heart...the thought of never experiencing life grow inside me was unbearable. Now I am so overwhemingly grateful for the era I live in & the people who surround me that allows for this dream to come true.

We don't have to resign ourselves to societies traditions...we don't have to follow some predetermined order to things. Like every woman, I have doubts about if I'll be a good enough mother but there is no doubt in my mind that I will have more love for my Tadpole than I ever thought myself capable.

Tomorrow has seemed so far away & I couldn't wait for it to get here...now? I want to slow time down...to savour every emotion & relish in every thought that tomorrow will bring.

Time Passes Like Ketchup Out of a Bottle

I am in a much better place mentally than I was last week...my friend totally changed my perspective of how I was approaching this whole being pregnant thing. She explained I was wasting time worrying so much about what could go wrong & missing what was going right...she said if I wasn't careful, I'd miss the whole joy of being pregnant. The lightbulb went off! There isn't anything more I can do to keep my little tadpole happy except be happy myself!!

Once that realization dawned on me, I have been very much enjoying everything! The sickness, the tender boobs, the tiredness...all reminders of how blessed I am!! Oh, that & the HPT I do every couple of days, just to double check...yup, still preggers. :)

I am having some minor doubts that Tadpole is really mine though...s/he doesn't seem to like chocolate or sweets!!! I'm not really experiencing any cravings, just really hungry...but if I even THINK about eating chocolate or sweets, I feel like I'll gag!! Now, I have always had a sweet tooth & chocolate, pastries, cakes, etc have been my vice & at time my reason for living, lol! So feeling such strong aversion to all things sugary & sweet is very strange!! But a good thing, I guess since now I'm not tempted to over-indulge...I even thought maybe it was all in my head so yesterday I bought an Aero bar & ate it...bad idea!!! To say the least!!!

I have another dilemma...my hair. I coloured it just before my IUI but the roots are coming in now which I could handle, except so is the grey...so I did some internet research & some sites say it's okay to colour your hair as long as it's in a ventilated area, some sites are four score against it, some say the non-permanent ones are okay, some say none are safe...so I asked the pharmacist yesterday & he made a good point, there's no sure evidence either way so better safe than sorry, don't do it. That's a bummer! I'm gonna look pretty haggard come December!! If anyone has any suggestions or advice on this, I'm all ears!!

5 weeks 1 day

I meant to write yesterday on exactly 5 weeks...but was too tired! That's the story of my life these days...if I'm not feeling completely exhausted, then I'm feeling pretty cruddy...but mostly both at once! In no way am I complaining though...I will suffer whatever I have to as long as my little Tadpole just sticks with me!

Some interesting symptoms I thought I'd share...some TMI to follow but bear with me...1st, I've noticed my skin's a lot dryer than usual...another thing I feel is bloated & gassy...I feel like I have a nervous stomach all the time...the one thing that's hard to deal with is the heartburn. I have acid reflux & usually take Prevacid as needed & that was usually once or twice a month...however, I couldn't find any conclusive information whether it was safe to take while pregnant (basically there hasn't been any testing either way) so I figured, better safe than sorry...but boy am I suffering! A lot of the time, I feel like my period is going to start...& my boobs are still tender & I swear have gotten bigger! Which is the last thing I need since I've always been large-busted to begin with!!

I talked to my boss the other day...I actually have 3 bosses but directly report to 1 of them...I really trust & respect her & didn't like hedging around the truth with her. She gives me a lot of freedom & I didn't want her to feel I was taking advantage...anyway, my reason for telling her, aside from the previous, was because I was afraid that if I do miscarry, it would be so much harder to come clean about it all at once...so I told her & she was so awesome! I mean, I am grateful everyday that I have a job I love & bosses that are so great...but she was amazing! So excited & happy for me & proud that I would take matters into my own hands to become a mom...

Now for the scary part...I am constantly terrified that this has all been some kind of mistake, a mix up with blood tests...but then I take a HPT & it's still positive...but then I remember this story on the soap opera I watch about this girl who wanted a baby so badly that she convinced herself she was pregnant, they called it an hysterical pregnancy...so then I think maybe that's what all these symptoms are, they're psychosomatic...but then I remind myself that I don't live in a soap opera...so then my mind takes me to worrying about if I can hang onto my little Tadpole...I am overcome sometimes with fear that I'll miscarry...I try really hard to remain zen, calm & positive...& every day that I don't see any signs of AF allows me to be just a little more hopeful...& I thought the 2ww was torture?!?! This week has seemed like a year...was it only Monday that I found out for sure?

BFP!!!

My little tadpole has decided to stick around for a while...s/he likes me, s/he really, really likes me!

I had my 4th BT this morning & they called to let me know that I more than doubled again...a whooping 192.4!! No more BT needed! I go on the 27th for my 1st ultrasound to hear the heartbeat!! I can't even tell you how excited I am!! I can't even believe that this took on my 1st try!!! Completely not what I had expected but oh, what a blessing!!! I really am in utter disbelief!!

Thank you to everyone for all of your positive thoughts & encouragement!

Hopeful!!

1st, thank you to everyone for your encouragement & positive thoughts!

I went this morning for my 3rd BT & then just came home to relax & enjoy this beautiful weather!!!

I just got the call & I more than doubled!! I'm at 93.24 now!! So I am remaining hopeful! My little tadpole hasn't given up on me just yet...

Double, Double, Toil & Trouble

I had my 2nd blood test yesterday...I didn't double, not even close...I went from 23.39 to only 38.63...& it's not so much the low numbers that concern me. They're not the worst for this stage...it's the lack of significant increase...it just doesn't bode well.

My emotions have run the gambit...raging at the inequity...to frustration...to acceptance...from the moment I started this journey, I never expected it to be easy...I've never done anything the easy way...I've learned all of my life lessons the hard way...so when this IUI, my 1st try, was going so "easily" (I mean, a positive on the 1st try?)...it just didn't seem, I don't know, right.

I have read so many heartbreaking stories of other women's journeys & many have happy endings...& I still have hope I'll have a happy ending too...but this emotional rollercoaster I'm on now is harder than I expected & I expected it to be really hard!

I'm really not sure how to feel at this point...part of me feels like a definate negative would have been better than this maybe positive...but that would be easy & it's not supposed to be easy!! I'm just not ready to give up on this little tadpole, not yet...it's the waiting that's killing me. If it's not going to work out, then I just want to get moving on try #2.

Maybe tadpole is indecisive, just like me...taking it's time to settle in...maybe it's just not meant to be...maybe this was just a dress rehersal, a practice run for my body...my frustration is with the lack of anything I can do...except wait...I go again on Saturday for another BT...here's hoping for a huge result!!