Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Well...today did not go as I had hoped it would. It turns out my Tadpole just couldn't hang on...the U/S showed an empty gestational sac...I knew something was wrong when the tech kept quizzing me about if I had my dates correct...then she said she had to confirm some info with the nurse...so at that point I knew...

I think I've always known...I know that's easy to say now but I knew, I really did. Everyone kept telling me not to be negative but it wasn't a matter of being negative...it was just an intuition, an instinct, a feeling in my heart...

The worst part now, after the disappointment, is waiting...more waiting...a miscarriage is inevitable...I'll have to wait & see if it'll occur naturally or if I'll have to go in for a D&C...the Dr wants me to go into the clinic tomorrow morning for a pregnancy BT...I don't really understand the point of that...I'm guessing it's to see if my hCG levels are decreasing...

I, of course, consulted Dr Google & have learned quite a bit...this happens all the time & in no way indicates anything wrong with me or any problem with my donor or our compatibility...nor does it mean that I did anything wrong & there isn't anything I could have done differently...& I confirmed with my nurse that this isn't an indication there is anything wrong with me or my ability to have children...I will be able to try again as soon as this hurdle is crossed...and a hopeful stat: 90% of women have a full term, perfectly healthy pregnancy after their 1st miscarriage.

I've given myself the permission to greive this loss...to be honest, I feel like I deserve this...I've felt that this 1st try just seemed too easy, like I hadn't earned it...does that make sense? I don't mean that in the negative way it sounds, I guess I'm rationalizing...

What scares me right now is the fear of how long I'll be expected to wait for a natural miscarriage...because emotionally & psychologically I am okay right now but if I'm expected to wait weeks? I can't imagine the emotional toll that will take. And to be frank, I just want to move on...get on with try number 2...I don't mean that to sound cold...I am grateful for this experience with my Tadpole & feel deep sadness for my loss...but it wasn't meant to be. I am greiving but I will not dwell.


  1. Oh, no. I'm so, so sorry. It's important to grieve and I can see why you are impatient for the next step. I went through something similar on my first try. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. I'm so sorry. Loss hurts no matter how early or late in pregnancy. Huge hugs to you.

    I hope it happens quickly so you can move on to healing. Take it easy and be gentle with yourself.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you during this time...

    I understand you're trying to rationalize everything but I do not believe you deserve this in any way. Your pregnancy gave me hope that I could get pregnant on the first try too. We all hope for the best the moment we decide it's what we want.

    I hope your faith and hope remain strong. You deserve it.

  4. I am so sorry. So very sorry. It's such a terrible thing - to get pregnant and then to lose it, and it really doesn't matter if it was on the first try or the gazillionth one.
    I hope you miscarry soon enough so to be able to go ahead with attempt no.2 as quickly as possible.
    And you know they say about a body that got pregnant once, is a body that knows how to get pregnant!
    Sending big hugs, and grieve all you need, but not because you didn't deserve this pregnancy ("too easy"), but because you are going through a loss.

  5. Oh nooooo! :( :( :(
    I'm so sorry for your loss. Hang in there, babe. xoxo

  6. Thank you everyone...the kindness of strangers...it means so much.

    I'm doing alright, it has started so at least I don't have to wait & wait...

    Again, thank you so very much for your kind words.

  7. I'm very sorry to hear this and agree with all the comments. I wish it had turned out differently and I don't blame you for being scared of the waiting. I do think you have a good chance for the next cycle.

  8. Awwww, I'm so sorry. It's just not fair.
    You're right - you have the right to grieve. Take care of yourself right now. Pamper yourself as much as possible as you process and deal with what is to come.
    I hope your body helps you out and you won't have to wait long.


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