Still No Flo...

I really wanted to be able to post that Aunt Flo had arrived & I was on my way to try number 2...I was feeling sort of PMS-y last week & the last 2 days feel sort of like the beginning crampiness but still NOTHING!!!

I am really trying to remain zen about the wait, reminding myself that my body is just taking care of it's self & making it's self extra ready for next time...yada yada yada...blah blah blah...but I just can't help but hear the doubts in the back of my brain, "That was you last good egg" "Your period will never start" "You'll just keep miscarrying" "You'll never be a mother"...

It's been a blessing that work has been so busy so that I get a 9.5 hour distraction from it all...I also reminded myself that it's only been 4 weeks too...logically & rationally there's no reason to believe something is wrong...

Unfortuately Logic & Rational aren't always companions of mine!!

On a funny note...I am amazed by people sometimes (most of the time)...I'm an early bird & was up this morning at about 6:30am...(that's sleeping in since I get up at 5am during the week)...I'm lounging on the couch & I start hearing this loud vibrating...at 1st it sounds as though it's coming from upstairs...I go up to investigate & realize it's coming from outside & the neighbour behind me is jack-hammering his patio!!! AT 7:30am ON A SATURDAY MORNING!!!! Now it doesn't bother me since I'm already up but I can just imagine what the other neighbours must be feeling! How inconsiderate can you be?!?!?! Baffles me!

Has Anyone Seen My Aunt Flo?

Because she's M.I.A...I've been waiting & waiting for her to arrive & fear she may be lost!  

I think that's one thing anyone who is going to start TTC should know (because I wasn't prepared for it), whether they are a single gal like me or in a couple, they need to know that the 2ww is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to waiting during this process.

"Destiny is a Fickle Bitch" ~ Benjamin Linus

This is one of my favourite Lost quotes...well Time is pretty fickle herself!!! It amazes me that my 1st IUI was ONLY 2 months ago today, yet my miscarriage seems like a lifetime ago & it has ALREADY been 3 weeks since then...in some ways it seems like time is standing still, then in other ways I cannot believe it is already almost June!!!

I will admit that as much as I want to get moving on try #2, I am also a little afraid...afraid there won't be a BFP this time, afraid there will be, afraid I'll miscarry again, etc...I was also afraid to call the Donor Clinic for fear my Donor wouldn't be available any longer...well I finally got my nerve up to call today...Relief! My donor is still available!! The nurse said there are quite a few vials available...since I don't know when I'll need it though, I wasn't sure if I could order now, which led to a funny conversation:

Me: Since there are many vials available, can I just wait?

Nurse: Well, yes but you never know...These things go in spits & spurts.

Me: No pun intended, right?

We had a good laugh about that! She was great though, she placed an order for me for June 7th so that a vial would be kept on hold for me, just in case, but if I need it sooner (which I doubt) then I can call again.

I am so relieved to have this taken care of...I was afraid I would have to go back to the Donor-Picking-Drawing-Board...I also feel that using the same donor again will boost my odds.

That's it for me for now...if anyone does see my Aunt Flo, can you direct her my way?

Non-TTC Post

Just a quick one for information purposes only...not sure it even matters but hey, what the hell...I am still getting use to the World of Blogging, the Blogisphere if you will...when I 1st set mine up, I wasn't so sure about it all...trying to come up with a Blog Name? so hard!

Anyway, I had my posts "signed" as Me Plus One & always assumed it was because that is the title of my blog...when I started posting comments on other blogs it would show "Me Plus One" & I thought that was odd but figured it just linked somehow to my blog...well, I have just discovered that it's part of my settings & I can change it!!

Long story short (too late!!)...I have changed my blog/comment "signature" to Tiara...sort of a nickname I acquired but we'll save that long boring story for another day!

So if you were wondering who this Tiara chick is...it's me :)

Happy Mother's Day!!

This is just a quick one...I wanted to wish all the Mothers & Mothers-to-be out there a very happy day!

Here's hoping that I will be celebrating next year with a newborn!!!

Very Hopeful

Wow! I feel 110% better...for a number of reasons...1st, I was back to work on Monday & even though I was still crampy & uncomfortable but it was so good to be back there...I love my job & love the people I work with...no one knows about my TTC plans there except my bosses & 1 coworker so it was good to just focus on work.

Then, today, I went to my clinic for a follow up H/S & blood work & to see my RE...so much information to share!! My U/S showed I had pretty much expelled everything so no need for a D&C...thank god!!

I am so grateful for having such a great RE...he just exudes confidence that when he explains things, I just know I can trust him. He explained that my miscarriage was basically just bad luck. My tadpole just wasn't right chromosomally (is that a word?) so it just didn't develop...there was nothing I could do differently.

He also looked over all of my results (except today's as they weren't available yet) & said they all look really good. He did identify that my ovaries over produce which can diminish my follicle quality. He explained he wasn't so concerned since I had 3 really good follicles with my last cycle but to decrease my chance of a 2nd miscarriage, he put me on Metformin which is a diabetic medication but has been known to aid & increase fertility.

A concern I had was regarding the "infection" they swabbed for that I took antibiotics for before my 1st IUI...I can't remember what the name of it is but it is known to cause miscarriage...just to be safe, we swabbed again today in case it hadn't cleared up.

When I asked if I should change donors he said absolutely not...he advised I should stick with him since we know he can get me pregnant. I have to admit, I'm afraid to check as I'm scared he won't still be available...

The really exciting news was that he advised we can try again on my very next cycle! No need to wait!! He explained that often the advice to wait is more for the emotional factor than any basis in biology & since the odds of conceiving on the next try are so good, why wait? I am so glad I don't have to wait!! And of course they'll monitor everything, if it's not optimal, we'll skip it & try the next one.

Once I got home, my nurse called as my RE was able to look at today's results & agreed I'd expelled everything & would probably start my next period within the next 2 weeks! Wow, I didn't expect so soon! I still show a positive hCG of 8 but that will decrease to nothing.

It goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway:) I am on cloud 9!! I can't even explain it! I don't want anyone to think I take this miscarriage lightly or don't feel an immense loss...those are feelings I deal with internally but I can't allow myself to dwell on my loss. I prefer to look forward to the blessings ahead of me rather than the grief behind me.

I want to close this post with my heartfelt gratitude to all of you for the encouraging comments & support, both from my family & friends as well as my new cyber-friends. You all will never know how grateful I am I didn't have to go through this alone. Thank you!

What day is it?

I had lost all sense of time...these last several days have been a fog of pain. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it...it's been excrutiatingly painful & each day has been worse than the last...until today. Yesterday was definately the worst.

When the cramping & spotting started Wednesday afternoon, I was just grateful I wouldn't have to wait for it to begin...I believe it's been the progesterone supplements that prolonged this pregnancy as long as it did because when I got the results Tuesday I didn't bother taking a suppository that night or on Wednesday...the results from my blood test Wednesday showed my progesterone level as very low considering I'd been on the supplement...so it seems to me once I stopped, nature was able to take it's course.

Thursday was when the bleeding started in earnest & the pain was worse than the worst period I'd ever had...late in the evening, the cramping subsided & I went to bed early since I was exhausted...I had a good night's sleep & woke up Friday morning feeling alright...how naive because by late morning the cramping started again & intensified & was 10x worse than Thursday...I won't get into too much detail about the bleeding except to say that there has been A LOT.

Friday evening the cramping subsided again & after enjoying a beer (because I could) I went to bed early & had a good night's sleep...I woke Saturday morning thinking the worst must be behind me. I decided to venture out to the pharmacy as it dawned on my that I could dye my hair!! Well, I was out less than 20 minutes & the pain hit me like a freight train...I couldn't think straight so picked a dye & headed home...& mother-of-god! the cramping was 10x worse than Friday!! I was actually reduced to tears & could barely move most of the day...I would have liked to sleep except the pain was just too intense.

The fog seems to be clearing now & the cramping feels more like it did on Wednesday when it started...which is a walk in the park compared to Friday & yesterday...so I dyed my hair this afternoon...I definitely picked the wrong colour & now look ridiculous but at least the grey is gone...

Physically the last several days have been a nightmare...but emotionally? Emotionally, I have been okay...I am sad for this loss but this isn't devastating...I have endured worse & learned the truth of the phrase, "this too shall pass" and always there are better things to come...& I believe the best is ahead of me because this time next year I could very well be a new Mom!!!

Thank you all for you kind words & encouragement...they have meant so much to me.