Twist of Fate

When I posted Monday evening, I just knew I was on the verge of getting my period. I was experiencing pretty intense lower back pain which is always my 1st warning that I'm about to start. Then late Monday afternoon I noticed my 1st signs of spotting...period was inevitable, right? I stopped taking my progesterone suppositories...what was the point, I might as well save them, right?

Tuesday morning (CD28), I expected to wake up to full flow...what did I wake up to? Nothing! Even my lower back pain had subsided...throughout the day I kept expecting it to come back...I mean, I wanted a CD1 so I could start the process for try #3!! But all day, NOTHING!

When I woke up this morning, still nothing! I was sure it was just taking it's time but just to put my mind at ease, I decided to take a HPT...I had a cheap one, why waste a good one, right?).

I took the test & got a 2nd line almost immediately! My 1st thought? WTF!!! I looked & looked again...I couldn't believe it!! And of course I started doubting it. How could this be? I had no symptoms whatsoever...no tender breasts, no nausea, nothing! The test was a cheap one, it was probably a false positive...

I quickly got ready & high-tailed it to my clinic for a beta...blood tests don't lie & I was sure it would come up negative...or maybe this was just a chemical...I mentioned I'd had no symptoms, right?

My nurse called at about 11:30am today...the verdict? BFP!! My 1st thought? WTF!!! I have a 51.98 hCG!!! She warned that my progesterone was very low...well, ya! I'd stopped taking it!!! I immediately hauled my ass home & deposited my suppository!!!

I can't even believe this. I was so sure this was a no go. When it felt like my period was starting, I wasn't surprised. I'm in shock that I've actually got a BFP! I don't know if it's even sunk in...

Then there's no guarantee it'll stick...I go back Friday to may sure my hCG doubles...it may not. Even though 51.98 is higher than this point last time, it's still not off the charts high...this could indicate another blighted ovum...last time I knew it wasn't my fault that I miscarried. This time? How can I not blame myself? If I had just kept taking my progesterone...okay, that's it. My 5 seconds are up...I let the fear in & now I am going to remain calm & positive.

No Need to Test...

Aunt Flo has been banging down my door all day...it also feels like she's drop-kicked me in my lower back!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed...but what else can I do but look forward to try #3?

2ww Randomness

1 week down, 1 week to go...it hasn't been so bad as far as 2ww go...I'm experiencing the usual flop flopping of, "I think I feel pregnant" to "No way, this is a bust, I feel nothing"...

I bought some pregnancy tests yesterday...no, I didn't use any yet...I'm not ready to give up the dream...by not taking the test, I can still blissfully imagine that I am preggers...I bought the tests because they were on sale & thought that must be a sign...

Last weekend was dreadful...not because anything bad happened...it was actually nice in that sense, I was house & dog sitting so it felt like I was on a mini vacation...I didn't have to do anything but hang out with the dog, Murphy, a Westie who is an absolute sweetheart...it was dreadful because I didn't have much mental stimulation to distract me from thinking about whether I'm pregnant or not...I watched a bunch of movies & read a little, slept a lot...it was very relaxing & really was a great weekend but it was nice to get back to work on Monday.

Work has been extremely busy lately & I love it...1st because I love what I do & the people I work with & for & 2nd because it keeps my mind mostly occupied so I'm not obsessing...I can go whole minutes without thinking about it, lol!!

This coming weekend is a busy one (thank god!), I will be quite occupied...Saturday we're having a family BBQ at my house...which is CD25, 10dpiui, 3 days prior to expected AF...the soonest I could test...however, if I get a BFN, that'll ruin my mood for the BBQ & I don't want to do that...that takes me to Sunday, why not test then? Well, I'm taking my aunt to see The Tempest at the Stratford Festival starring Christopher Plummer on Sunday, I don't want to be bummed out for that!! So the very soonest I will test is Monday...

Also, to keep occupied, I am participating in my 1st International Comment Leaving Week...I am really getting a lot more out of it than I could have imagined...reading the inspirational stories of other women & their experiences & successes...even the heartbreaking stories are inspiring because of the unbelievable strength & bravery these women show both in how they deal with their situatons & for sharing it with the world...

Thank you to everyone for stopping by & offering your well wishes...but especially thank you to everyone for sharing these intimate parts of your lives.

Lucky Number 2

And so it begins...I am inseminated! I got the call from my nurse yesterday that I was surging...I felt a sense of satisfaction knowing I felt the symptoms of ovulation only to be confirmed by my BW...although now I still have an Ovidril shot I don't need...

My appointment was this morning & my Mom came along with me this time...I feel it's so special for her to be there with me now at the very beginning & then at the birth...although she wasn't in the room during the actual insemination, that would have been too weird...but I was glad to have her with me for the rest of the time.

I was also so happy that Nicole, the nurse who did my IUI last time was there again & was available to do it this time...minus all the drama! Everything worked out perfectly & now the wait begins.

I'm in such a different state of mind this time...I'm well aware of all the negatives & possible disappointments but I refuse to dwell on them now...there's no point...I've dealt with hard stuff in my life & worrying about it before hand never prevented it from happening nor made me more prepared to deal with it...

I'd rather fill my time in the next 2 weeks daydreaming about my upcoming positive beta & my 7wk U/S & hearing my baby's heartbeat for the 1st time...getting excited about blowing my co-worker's minds when I tell them I'm pregnant...I'm going to imagine which crib I'm going to buy & how I'm going to arrange everything...

Everything is all up to nature & fate now so I'm going to just be positive & zen...Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

Dear Follie,

I am so proud of you for working so hard & having a growth spurt...2.0! Way to go!

Now I want to prepare you because you'll be having some visitors in the next day or so...there will be millions of them but I want you to be hospitable...don't be overwhelmed, you only have to let 1 in so pick the best, stongest one & then get aquainted because you two will go on a little trip...

Hold on tight to each other & enjoy the ride because at the end I've prepared a nice soft place for you to land & when you get there, snuggle in & latch on tight & continue this awesome growing you've started already!

Then, nine months from now (give or take) I'll bring you into my world & continue to love you & nurture you for the rest of your life!

I love you, Follie!

Mommy

Another Quick One...

CD13 - All my hopes & dreams are pinned to 1 follicle!

Okay, way to over dramatic, lol! But it looks as though it's just the one that's growing, it's up to 1.7 now...1 is all I need!

My home page at work is the iGoogle personalized homepage & one of the gadgets I have is called "Useless Knowledge"...well guess what popped up today:

Just in case I needed to know...too funny!

Quick Update...

...had another U/S this morning...my follies on the right have gotten smaller so as the Tech said, the party is happening in my left ovary...however, they're not growing as dramatically as last time...1 is 1.6 now & the 0.8 grew to 0.9 but no change in the other 0.9...my lining is thickening nicely at 7.6...

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little discouraged...but keeping my promise to myself to stay positive, I reminded myself that I only need 1 good follie so I'm thinking positive grow thoughts for my little 1.6-er & if little 0.9-er wants to get big, I'm good with that too!

I go again tomorrow to see how we're doing...looks as though Wednesday will be the day...

Nightie-Night! (Yes it's only 8:07pm but I gotta get up at 4:30!!)

Looking Good, Kid...

Happy Weekend, Everyone!

I went yesterday for my CD10 U/S & BW...things are looking pretty good...3 follies in my right, still measuring 0.9 & 3 follies in my left now measuring 1.3, 0.9 & 0.8...it looks as though the left ones are the growers this month...my lining is doing well at 5.2 but I started Estrace last night just to be safe...looks as though insem will be Wednesday or Thursday...I'm getting very excited!!

 

I've made a lot of plans to keep busy this weekend plus to accomplish some stuff that I won't want to do after my IUI...I was up 1st thing this morning & did some deep scrub cleaning of my kitchen & bathroom...I'm taking my nephews to see the new Shrek movie later this afternoon...tomorrow I go in for U/S & BW then I'm going for a massage & I'm going to stop in to visit one of my aunts to help her with some stuff...I am also going to dye my hair!! Yup, not making that mistake again!

 

Also, the good thing about my U/S & BW on Sunday...I assumed I'd have to go into Toronto to their main offices since my office is usually closed on the weekend but they have started opening weekends for the last month or so...that's convenient!

 

I'm feeling really ready for this & my 2WW...I'm still all about the positive visualization & thinking good baby making thoughts...

Good luck to my fellow bloggers who are or are about to be in the 2WW as well!

Excitement & Trepidation

Okay...let's get the details out of the way...I went yesterday for my CD3 U/S & BW...Things look good: 6 follicles in my right ovary measuring 0.9...8 in my left measuring 0.6...this is less than normal but still good so I think the Metformin is doing it's job...my lining is 4.0...I started my Clomid, 50 mg a day for 5 days...now I'm a little confused because both my nurse & the RE on duty yesterday told me to start taking it yesterday which was CD3 but I thought you were supposed to take Clomid on CD5...but they haven't led me wrong yet so I'll trust them...

I'm really excited to be trying again & feeling this forward motion...but I'm also a little anxious as well...I'm afraid to get too excited because I know how much a disappointment can hurt...I'm not being negative, I'm really not...but it wouldn't be honest if I didn't address my fears...in the last few weeks since miscarrying, when the pain of loss consumes me, I wonder if I really want to be in a position to possibly go through it all again...however, the thought of never being a mom is more heartbreaking...when compared to that, it's worth the risk.

So being a true Lost fan, I'm going to take Jack Shephard's advice & let the fear in...but only for 5 seconds...1...2...3...4...5...now for the next 24 days, I am going to be all about positive visualization & thinking good baby-making thoughts.

As for the negative self-talk, Hopeful shared a very good point that I think all of us need to hear:

After I told a friend I was the queen of negative self talk, she asked me:

Would you say those same things to a me?

It was a life changing moment because I would NEVER say those things to a friend. Her point was well taken. We need to be just as nice to ourselves as we are to others.

It was life changing for me as well...I will never allow myself to do this to myself anymore...when I catch myself & reverse my thinking & remind myself how lucky I am.

Finally!!

Aunt Flo has finally made her way to my place & I can finally get this show back on the road!!

I tell you, I haven't been so happy to start my period since that time in my early twenties when I thought I was pregnant! Oh, how the times have changed!!

CD1, yahoo!!! CD3 U/S & BTs booked for Friday!! Yippee!!!