2010 In Review

As I sit here in my office at work...all alone since I am the ONLY person in the building today (it's a little creepy!)...I'm lacking the motivation to actually work & my mind keeps wondering back over this past year....

From the start, 2010 was already a big year for me as my birthday would fall on 10.10.2010...I'd been thinking about this fact for the last couple of years & wanted to do something special...as it turned out, I decided to become a Mother.

What I remember feeling a year ago, having made this momentous decision, was...terror! Okay, that's a bit over-dramatic...but I was scared...at that point, I had never heard the term "Choice Mom", I didn't know that IUI & IVF were two totally different things, I had no idea what Clomid was or that my menstrual cycle consisted of more than just Day 14-Ovulation & Day 28-Period or even that my period marked the BEGINNING of my cycle, not the end! I didn't know just how much I didn't know!

I remember that by around January 7th or 8th, I still hadn't made a call to any Fertility Clinics...by this point I had scoped out a few clinics in my area...I had learned that I needed IUI with Donor Sperm or TDI......I had started looking at Donor Banks...all I thought about was TTC (though didn't know about that acronym yet)...& I realized I was scared...scared to take that next step...scared of the unknown...

I realize now that fear has been my most predominant emotion in 2010...that makes me sad to admit. I've experienced a vast array of emotions this year...in any given year, for that matter...but as I reflect on 2010, fear has threaded itself  through every experience I've had this year...in so many ways, so many times this year, I have been gripped with fear, overcome with fear, brought to my knees by fear.

This year is also the 1st in my life that I have been told, numerous times, how courageous I am...interesting, don't you think? The year that I am most fearful, the year that I am fear's bitch, is also the year I find my courage...that's what courage is though, isn't it? Doing something despite your fear? That makes me a whole lot less sad...dare I say even a little proud? Makes the fear worth it, I think.

I wonder what emotion will dominate 2011...for 2011 is sure to be filled with many many emotions...but which will stand out most?

1 More Sleep!!!

As I sit here in my jammie-jams, enjoying the fact that I got to sleep in & thinking about Christmas...I can't help but be awed at how different this Christmas is from the so many Christmas' before...

For many many years now, Christmas has been bittersweet for me...Christmas has always been my favourite time of year...I just love the lights & colours, the music & cheer, getting together with family & friends...but for the last however many years Christmas has had an undertone of sadness & loneliness for me. Every Christmas that came & went was another reminder of what I felt were my failures...another year that I hadn't met my Prince Charming, another year past without starting a family of my own, the realization I may never be a Mother...that's the one that hurt the most. I mean, I can wait forever for my Mr. Right, there's no time limit on love...but my window to becoming a Mother (biologically speaking) was beginning to close.

I wanted to know what it was like to be pregnant...I wanted to know how it felt to have a baby move inside me...I wanted to experience labour & delivery...I wanted to experience breastfeeding...I wanted a beautiful little person to depend on me & call me Mama...& every Christmas that passed reminded me that I didn't have any of that & maybe never would.

It was last Christmas Eve that I told my Brother & Sister-in-law of my plans to be a Choice Mom...their support & encouragement were overwhelming & they, along with the rest of my family, have stood by me through it all this year.

Now, here I am, Christmas Eve & feeling my Daughter kick & flip inside me & it seems so surreal...if this is a dream, please don't wake me.

ICLW December

Well, it's been a few months since I participated in ICLW...I use the excuses that I've been too busy/tired...yes, okay a little lazy...but since I have most of this coming week off work...& a brand new laptop...I'm geared up & ready to comment!!

I've only been blogging for a short time...but the benefits I have reaped from this amazing online community are priceless. I don't know that I would have gotten through the dark time of my miscarriage without the support & kind words from readers. Equally, the heart-felt congratulations & words of encouragement when I found out I was pregnant again have meant just as much to me...it's been as much a joyous time (like hearing the heartbeat for the 1st time) as it has been a time filled with worry, fear & anxiety...

So thank you to all for stopping by & for all your comments, advice, encouragement & blog love!

I've Been Spoiled!!!

What a weekend! Christmas started this weekend for me...

Since my one aunt is going away for Christmas, she, myself & my brother's family got together Saturday to celebrate & exchange gifts...for this Christmas I asked that instead of gifts for me, if everyone could buy baby stuff since every little bit helps...well they decided that since this would be my last Christmas on my own that they would spoil ME with gifts just for me, not my daughter...and spoil me they did! They bought me a new laptop!!!! Way more than I deserve or expected...when I ripped off the wrapping, I started bawling!! Then, as if that wasn't generous enough, the also bought me a new flat screen TV!!!

Both of these gifts are items I needed...my current computer is a dinosaur & after turning it on, I have to wait 45 mins to an hour for it to load up for use...then it can take 10-20 mins to load webpages...& it freezes all the time...my TV is a hand-me-down to begin with & works just fine but is the big old tube kind & most channels don't fit properly on the screen...but as much as I need a new computer & TV, there was no way I would have spent the money replacing them...my Daughter comes first & I would get her what she needs before these luxuries for me...& my family knew that...

I am just so overwhelmed by their generosity & thoughtfulness...my Daughter & I are just so lucky to have family that loves us so much & supports us so well...

Then, today I got together with one of my best friends, who lives out of town, for our Christmas...she conned me into going to Sears with some excuse or other but once we were there, she pointed out that all the baby stuff was on sale & proceeded to choose all kinds of stuff for my girl...she stocked me up with a ton of sleepers, receiving blankets, a tub seat, a thermometer, toys...a bunch of stuff I'm gonna need in the 1st weeks after my Girl arrives.

So again I am humbled & overwhelmed by the people in my life & their generosity...just overcome with emotion & gratitude...

Update: Test Results are in...

I can't believe how quickly my blood tests from Tuesday came back!!

Everything looks good...my Hemoglobin is on the low end of normal at 117 but since my White Blood Cell count is slightly elevated, this may be attibuted to a cold I may be fighting...I feel fine & didn't think I had a cold but I guess that means I'm fighting it well :)

More importantly my Glucose Tolerance was perfect...my fasting glucose level was normal & it was normal at 1 hour & 2 hours...yeah!!

One less thing to worry about...

It's For Sure...

She's a Girl!!!

I've had a busy baby week...Tuesday I went in for my Glucose Tolerance Test...it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be...the fasting was difficult since if I don't eat as soon as I wake up, I get very nauseous & throw up, so that wasn't fun...but at least the solution I had to drink wasn't what I thought...I imagined it would be thick & milky...which would have made me gag & I'd probably throw up again...but it was more like orange pop & it was cold so I was able to drink it no problem...then I had to wait 2 hours, having my blood taken every hour...my Aunt brought me to the lab & waited with me as I wasn't sure how I'd feel & boy, was I glad she was there as having her to chat with made the time fly!! Fingers crossed everything comes back normal...

Then yesterday, I had my long-awaited ultrasound...I really, really needed to see my girl again & be reassured she was growing & developing well...& if she was still a girl, lol! If you'll recall from my 19 week scan, they made an educated guess that she was a girl, but couldn't say for 100% sure...well there's no doubt, she's a girl...the tech was able get a good shot of her privates & zoomed right in on the labia for me. She also took the time show me all her other parts too...spine, ribs, skull, brains, fingers, toes & a really great shot of her heart & valves...it was great! She's also still big for her stage...she's been measuring big all along & she's estimated to be about 3 lbs 2 oz...My mom thinks the tech said 3 lbs 6 oz, but I'd rather think she's not THAT big, lol! I hope she turns out tall & skinny instead of tall & chubby like me...

& without further ado, here she is...it's not the best scan as she's all curled up in a ball with her hands & feet up by her face...she was a Move-y McMoverson through the whole measuring phase of the scan but as soon as Mama wants her to smile for the camera, she clams right up...

Lastly, I couldn't close without mentioning that that this week marks 28 weeks! Such a milestone & with every week that passes, I can breath a little easier.

What I've learned...

Today holds a special memory in my heart...today was my due date with my first pregnancy. With this date coming up, I have been doing a lot of thinking & looking back & wondering. I wasn't sure how I would feel or if I would even remember...but as December approached & then the 10th got closer, it's been on my mind...I am sad thinking of & missing my little Tadpole, my baby that wasn't meant to be...but that makes me feel guilt...especially when I feel my sweet Girl kicking & moving around.

Miscarrying ranks up there in my top 5 worst life experiences...that goes without saying...there was a point that I didn't think I'd survive, physically or emotionally...that's when my mind turned to moving forward. I remember feeling that I MUST move on...I MUST NOT dwell...so that's what I did, I moved on, I didn't dwell & I tried again right away, as soon as my body would allow me to...my body was physically ready but I wonder now if I was emotionally ready...I wonder if I gave myself enough time to heal mentally & come to terms with my loss.

I wonder this because as joyous as my current pregnancy has been, there has been a constant undercurrent of fear, worry & anxiety. Fear of losing this baby too, fear of getting too attached 'just in case', fear of so much...& worry, worry I'm doing something wrong, worrying something is wrong, worrying I'm worrying too much...or not enough...& pretty constant anxiety, mostly irrational anxiety, like when I'm in the baby section of a store, am I tempting fate? anxiety over buying my stroller that if I do, it will cause me to miscarry again, anxiety to even 'name' her...with my 1st pregnancy, I affectionately called the baby my Tadpole...I haven't called this baby anything other than Baby or my Girl for fear of jinxing her. Heaped on top of all this fear, worry & anxiety is guilt...

For the most part I kept this all inside...partly because when I tried to talk about it, I was told I was being silly...mostly because I was even afraid if I admitted how scared, worried & anxious I was that it would cause things to go wrong.

It was during my prenatal classes that I learned that all of this fear, worry & anxiety wasn't silly...more importantly, I learned that this amount of anxiety can lead to worsened postpartum depression...so last month, at my Midwife appointment, I admitted my fears, worries & anxiety...She didn't tell me I was being silly, she didn't dismiss me...she took the time to listen & provide information to help put my mind at ease...she validated my feelings & made me feel less crazy & more supported...she decided & I agreed to a referral to the Women's Health Concerns Clinic at my hospital...this is a community psychiatry practice that focuses on women's mental health. I'm amazed at what a difference just knowing that help is in place has made for me.

It was through all of this too, that I learned that I can miss my Tadpole & be sad for that loss without lessening my love for my Girl...being joyful & excited with this pregnancy doesn't diminish my feelings for my first nor does it mean I've forgotten.

So today, I remember my Tadpole...my angel baby.

Love to Paige...

Please head over to The Turning of Paige...she needs our love & support right now.

We are all shocked and saddened by her loss. I just want to scream WHY?!!?

Paige, my thoughts & prayers are with you now & in the days & weeks to come.